Anyone with an 11 year old daughter.

[AndRu]

Our daughter is 11 and in the last year at junior school. In the next few weeks she has her SAT’s before moving to a comprehensive in September. This is a stressful time for her and her class-mates. There is something going on at school that is causing her misery. She has lost the sparkle in her eyes and isn’t the talkative, happy person she was just a few months ago. It’s painful for my wife and I to see her like this.

Last night we began to find out some of what’s going on. It appears that among the girls in her class there are in ‘cliques’ that stick together. If you have a disagreement with any one person then you aren’t allowed to talk or interact with the others in a gang. You become “incommunicado” with those girls. This has happened to my daughter and a couple of girls that she (and we) thought were good friends have cut her off completely. We tried to find the reason but she simply can’t explain it. Either she has suddenly become a devious liar that can hoodwink her parents or she’s telling the truth.

I don’t understand the girl’s attitude. They’re all the same age (10 – 11) and, according to what we found out last night, all of the girls have the gang mentality. Girls A, B & C can’t talk to D, E, F & G because B has looked in a funny way at F. It really is this bad. We might be able to understand this attitude if we lived in a city but we don’t. We live in small village with a school that caters for 150 children. Is this kind of awful behaviour common in young girls? My son, who is at the same school and is 9 tells us that all the boys “just play footy” or other games – he has best friends but there are no boy gangs.

I’m sorry this is a long read but we feel really helpless. We’ve asked her to talk to her teacher to see if she can help. Does anyone else have experience of this kind of thing? It’s heart-breaking for us :cry:

 

[wils]

I'm sorry no helpful advice just a for you and your DD. Girls can be so cruel

 

[gilld]

I'm afraid this is very common behaviour in girls of this age. It's very hard to watch your child going through it but in time she will be one of the "in" crowd and sadly someone else will be "out". I'm sure it's because girls tend to mature more quickly that these unkind behaviours develop.

I don't have any suggestions for you, just hope it all passes quickly. Keep telling her how lovely and loved she is and that soon it will be someone else's turn.

 

[wideeyes]

yes..I remember it being like this at primary school...girls have always behaved like this. I wonder if it is a stage in there development!
best wishes for you dd..hope it blows aver soon.

 

[sharon78]

Yes I have an 11year old daughter,and unfortunately they do fall out with friends more than the boys do.I must admit tho it doesnt normally bother DD,she just goes off and plays with someone else,however our school does have just over 400 children,so they have a lot of friends,they tend to have a few different groups of friends.
How about out of school activitys,does your DD go to any,I find this helps them to mix with other children and have fun together.Mine go Swim Club,Dancing,Girls Brigade,Sunday School,Choir,Roller Skating on a Saturday Night.I find they meet a lot of nice different girls.Some a year older which im hopeing will look out for her when she moves to secondary school.
for you all,Im sure it will pass,it is awful when you can see your children are not happy.Try and have a family fun weekend to cheer her up,ask what she would like to do invite a friend round.
Hope this helps

 

[alisonbestford]

I too agree that girls can be so cruel

I remember being miserable around the same age as your DD and it wasn't until I was settled at secondary school that things seemed to settle down - I think the 'offending' girls became too interested in boys to make our lives a misery........

 

[disneyholic family]

yes yes yes, typical horrible girl behavior (and some women as well actually)...

boys are so much easier....they just beat each other up and that's the end of it....

this might sound like a radical suggestion, but perhaps your daugther might benefit from seeing a psychologist?
I know that sounds very american of me, but seeing a pyschologist really helped my daughter......basically all she did was talk about her insecurities....

the funny thing is, anyone who knows my daughter would think she coudln't possibly be upset over anything.....she's always been the smartest, prettiest, best figure, best athlete, a singer, etc etc etc etc...with lots and lots and lots and lots of friends....
but inside she was teeming with worries ....she was just able to hide it from the outside world...

i thought the psychologist idea was ridiculous....i've never seen one in my entire life.....i've always dealt with my insecurities on my own...
but she was so upset i figured she could try it...
and i was amazed at how helpful it was..

of course, then you have the problem of finding a good one..

it should be a woman (since women are more likely to understand)...
you might ask your doctor if he/she knows a good female child psychologist...

but FIRST you need to ask your daughter if she'd like to speak with someone....

and you have to make it clear that she's NOT nuts....it's just to speak with someone totally nonjudgemental about her feelings...

just a thought....

 

[alisonbestford]

this might sound like a radical suggestion, but perhaps your daugther might benefit from seeing a psychologist?

This was suggested to my mum when I was experiencing a similar thing and she just 'tut tutted' it out of the window

I agree with Beth that it would probably have helped but this was 30 years ago........

 

[Lisash]

Sadly I think that's what girls are like. My DD is now 17 and she is still always falling in/out with various friends. In the beginning I used to worry when she fell out with friends as it made her very miserable too but half the time these things blow over so quickly it's not worth worrying about and in no time at all it will be another argument and then you'll probably find your DD will be part of the 'in' group anyway. I know it's not easy but it's best not to make too much of a big thing of it then she will learn to let a lot of it go over her head. In reality it's always good to encourage her to have a wide circle of friends so she doesn't feel excluded when stuff like this happens. Hope she's soon feeling better

 

[Madjock]

Yes absolutely. I remember for the whole of my DDs 11th year not only did she go through exactly what you just described but so did her friends. It is very, very common. I think you have to put it down to all the changes that are going on in their lives, they're leaving school, starting a new senior school, their losing some of their friends, trying to make some new ones and then their hormones are all over the place. All of this affected DDs behaviour at home and we had some real problems with her attitude and behaviour, she'd always been really good and easy up until this.

The only words of consolution I have is that she did grow out of it, when she and her friends turned 12 they seemed to turn back into quite nice reasonable human beings again. They certainly all seemed to settle down and now they mostly all stick together as friends (but still with the odd falling out of course but that's just girls for you ). 11 to 12 was a tough year.

I know how difficult it is when you're going through it but it does pass you just have to ride out the storm with your DD.

 

[mandymouse]

I agree with all the above comments. Girls can be horrible, and I even remember what some were like when I used to go to school. My youngest DD has been to hell and back with some of the girls in her class. Back in October, my daughter was invited to her friends dads 40th birthday party, as she was going to her youth club, she told them that she couldn't go. When she got back to school all her so-called friends weren't talking to her and even now they are not on speaking terms. Thankfully my DD had quite a wide range of other friends and has gone back to some old ones. Unfortunately she learned the hard way about trying to go round with the 'popular' girls ~ they may be popular, but they aren't always nice

I really hope that everything works out well for your daughter, and when she starts her new school she will be meeting a whole new set of people that will become her new friends

 

[AndRu]

Thank you so much for all your help here. I've been worried all morning thinking about this and it's stopping me from working. We have got something nice planned for the weekend to try and take her mind off things. I'm not glad that other people have suffered / are suffering like us but it's comforting to know that we're not alone. No one could ever truly explain how difficult parenting can be. For me, this smile means a lot - thank you.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your answers and will be showing these to my DW this evening.

 

[Spook]

Hi, I really feel for you. My DD was fine in year 6 but years 8 and 9 were hell. Thankfully now everything is fine (fingers crossed). During the difficult times I was in contact with the school who were a great help and support. I know my DD's primary school would have taken a very dim view of what is going on with your DD, can you speak to the headteacher or class teacher about it.

Jan

 

[natalielongstaff]

My dd is 8 and im just starting to see some of this attitude among the girls ! i remember it happening when i was at school as well

you sound like you have a great relationship with your dd and im sure that will help her

 

[mark&sue]

The good thing is she is starting a new school soon and can try to put it all behind her.

My DD12 finds she has more friends on the teenage DIS board this year!


Susan

 

[ely3857]

Hmmm, Looks like growing up is the same no matter when & where you do it .

My last year at Middle school was a nightmare for this very reason but as others have already said You grow out of it and dont give in to the bait after a while.



Jodie

 

[AnitaCB]

At my daughters' school they have a counsellor who helps with situations like these. Is there anything similar at your school? I do think it's a girl thing and having two daughters I see it alot. I have taught my girls that what goes around comes around and these so called 'friends' will get their come uppance when no one wants to be with them. I've also told my daughters to never treat other people like it because they know how much it hurts.

On a positive note I posted a similar message a couple of months ago about my youngest DD. We did the same as you, a special day out to forget about it etc. Now we have persuaded her to make new friends, had some of them round for tea, and she seems much happier now. Hope there is a little light at the end of the tunnel for your daughter and hopefully they may go to different secondary schools at the end of year six.

Good luck to her for her sats

 

[Ware Bears]

for your DD