Anyone having a hard time dealing w/elderly parents?

[fantasymagic]

My mom passed away @ 2 years ago; she had Alzheimers, and that whole journey was very difficult.

Anyway, my dad seemed to be adjusting okay. He wanted to come over every night for supper, which I thought would just be for awhile. But it continued. And I do all the bills, paperwork, just give him an allowance, etc. He's in good physical health.

Anyway, this year, he seemed to get more "needy." This past Saturday, I took the kids and their friends to the pool and water slides at the athletic club in town. It's a membership only. While my daughter and I were in the pool, we noticed my dad wandering around. I asked him what was up and how he got in there. He had told one of the staff he needed to find us, so she brought him back. He told me he got so lonely, he just had to come and find us. The thing is, he was at our house right before we left to come to the pool, so it wasn't like it was a long time since he saw us. I told him that we could get a guest pass and he could come with us, but that he couldn't just wander around and try to find us.

I've tried to get him to do things at the local senior center, but he won't. He says we're his only family and he just wants to be with us. He keeps asking to live with us.

I'm the only child, so it's just me to deal with all of this. I love my dad dearly, but every day is getting really hard to deal with.

Sorry, popdaddy, long post.

Anyone else have elderly parents who really are having a hard time? Thanks.

 

[TLinden16]

I know what you are going through. I just lost my mom in January and my dad is very lonely. I live with him, and I take care of all of the household chores, bills, etc. When I get home from work, he just wants me near him so he has someone to talk to, but I can't stay downstairs with him because he smokes, and the smoke really gets to me.

My dad doesn't really have any friends or any interests in life except for gambling, which he can't afford to do every day. He keeps on making comments like "I'm not long for this world" and telling me that he doesn't want to wear a tie when he is in the casket after he dies. It gets tough to hear.

My mom was always very reliant on my dad. She had mobility issues, and wouldn't do anything for herself (even though we tried to get her to be more active). She wouldn't even walk to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal for herself. My dad did everything for her because it was easier than listening to her.

Just take it a day at a time and hang in there. I know it's not easy

Karen

 

[fantasymagic]

Thanks, Karen.

I appreciate your thoughts. I think it's something you have to experience to understand. I never thought it would be something I would be dealing with.

 

[C.Ann]

My Mom..

My Dad died 16 years ago from colon cancer and I truly believe my Mom has been furious with him ever since - for leaving her - and the anger has just been eating away at her for all these years..

Right after Dad died, Mom insisted that I go out to dinner with her every single day and take her shopping every single day - even though I had a family at home to take care of.. I felt bad for her, so at the expense of my family, I complied.. Five months after Dad died she decided she couldn't live in that house anymore so she bought a townhouse about 15 miles away from me and closer to my older sister.. At that point, she started demanding all of my older sisters time..

When it became too much for my older sister, Mom decided to move into a Senior Complex - although she kept the townhouse and had one of my brothers rent it out.. (By then, another brother had moved into the townhouse right behind Mom and Mom does NOT like that brothers wife at all.. Neither does anyone else, but that's beside the point..)

Once at the complex (she had a beautiful apartment of her own), she started in with the demands on everyone again.. Although there were all kinds of senior activities, senior trips, buses to take her shopping (although she still had her own vehicle and could drive all over the place), she didn't want to do anything "alone" and just couldn't understand that we had jobs, kids, husbands, etc., that needed our attention too..

Then she started suffering from dementia - getting very forgetful, etc., - and demanded that my older sister let her move in there with her and her DH.. My older sister and Mom have always been very close and enjoy all of the same things, so Sis said yes - thinking it would be easier for her to spend time with Mom and Mom would be happy..

Wrong! Mom them demanded every SECOND of my sister's time and started hitting her, screaming at her, accusing her of all sorts of things, and in general just being a witch, for lack of a better word.. The dementia progressed and some of us felt it was time to look into assisted living for her, but others disagreed.. So, Mom got really ticked off and moved back to her townhouse..

Last year we finally had to take her car away from her (she was a real danger on the roads; was getting lost while driving; etc.) and now she is REALLY climbing the walls.. She demands; she screams; she cries; and she just does not understand that her kids can't be with her 24/7.. She refuses to acknowledge that we have families; children; grandchildren; health issues; jobs; etc..

Sadly, I have to say that I don't get over there much to see her now.. She is far to volatile and thinks nothing of screaming at me, punching me, slapping me in the face, kicking me, etc.. (She was very high-strung like this even when I was a child, but it seemed to subside in her 40's or so..)

My sis has pretty much backed off too - for the reasons stated above.. My oldest brother just removed himself from the situation by packing up and moving to Florida.. My younger brother and his wife (the ones who live behind her) drop in about once a week.. Other than that, they have "hired" my sister-in-law's Mom to come in twice a week and take Mom out wherever she wants to go.. That's not enough though - she wants to go ALL the time..

Mom is in her 80's now - healthwise she's great except for being unsteady on her feet - but she's becoming more and more forgetful.. She insists there are "bugs" all over her house and is constantly scrubbing and cleaning in the wee hours of the morning.. She is forever accidentally setting off her Life Alert necklace and she's getting meaner by the minute.. Sis and I feel it's time for her to go in some sort of nursing home - our 2 brothers don't agree..

I don't know what the answer is.. I only know that I can't tolerate being beat up by my own mother..

I don't know what the answer is for you and your Dad, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone.. There are others out there struggling with these situations and I guess all we can do is "the best we can do.."

Hugs,
C.Ann

 

[babylisa4]

I am also an only child. My dad died 11 years ago (today actually). Anyway, I will say that my mom also did not want to go to the senior center at a nearby church. She had been a couple of times and didn't like it . Finally though something must have happened and she got to going and now she gets there about 9AM for lunch! They also have to pack meals for the home bound so she feels like she has an important job. She finally got connected to a little group of people and they play cards. This is the only place she goes(and still drives there herself- its about a mile away) but that place is a lifesaver for me. I see her on weekends, do her shopping, cooking and anything else stressful like coordinate her plummer or whatever the crisis of the day is. During some times when she had her hip replaced and wasn't going to the sr. center I worked really hard at getting her back into that groove. Each time she would be out for a couple of days for some reason, I can see her starting to say those same things like I'm not going to be able to go anymore for some reason etc. Its a daily battle. I also started going with her to her Dr. appts and TELLING the dr. that I thought she was depressed. Finally they started giving her Celexa and she will say it is a lifesaver. I went through several years after daddy died though before we got to this point so don't give up. You have to help them find that niche to get connected and feel needed. That is the basic human need to feel needed and if you can get him hooked on that you will be on your way. My youngest son recently went off to college and I can certainly relate to how it would be if I didn't have my spouse. So picture yourself in that situation- its probably hard for you since you are still responsible for younger kids. You may have to find some volunteer group and go with him- in Oklahoma we hve something like sr. volunteers or something and if you can just get him connected to one other person that can blossum to add someone else. The place my mother goes has a "director" that really has a heart for older people and she gives them some "little" job that helps them start thinking that if they didn't go there wouldn't be anyone to do that job. I'd just say- keep looking for opportunities and you and your kids might have to go with him for a few days this summer. Maybe tell him- you will go with him once a week for a while if he will go. (My mom's place is one of those that you could arrange ahead of time and pay $1 for your meal. It's worth the effort and will pay off in first of all your dad being happier and you will be too because he won't depend on you so much. Just don't give up. I think that men might be harder but at my mom's place the few men that are there get lots of attention from all of the widows and they need the men to do some of the "harder" little jobs. Don't give up.

 

[Robinrs]

I took care of my elderly parents for years before my Mom died in 2002 and my Dad died 6 months later.

Right now I work in a independent senior living center. I spend most of my time talking to the children of aging parents. The frustrations can be real and sometimes unbelievable.

Your Dad is going through a mental and physical change in his life. He may be lonely. It may not make sense to you and probably never will but realize that it is a natural progression of a widower. Try to seek a senior counseling site or counselor who can tell you what to expect and the options.

God bless. I so wish I still had my Dad to take care of. Take advantage of the time you have left with him.

As for him going to the local senior center, you can suggest it but not force it. We offer lots of social activities for our seniors and only approx 10% partake in them. Most prefer to be one on one with someone special than with strangers or crowds. They become so much like dependent children at this time. It takes time and patience to handle it but remember, they did it for you.

 

[fantasymagic]

I think maybe I'll see if our county has a social worker and see if there are any other options. Or maybe check into the anti-depressant.

 

[arminnie]

My mother died 6 years ago and I moved in with my dad 2 years ago (moved 2000 miles). I did not realize how lonely he was. When I first moved in he would come talk to me if he saw a light on - even if I thought I was just getting up to let the dog out - he was ready to have a conversation.

That has passed, but he still complains like crazy about my traveling so much. It's not that he really minds my being gone but he is convinced that I am going to die in a plane crash.

I have made it a point to live my own life even though I am living with him. He has gotten SO much better. He used to go to the mall to visit with the mall walkers every morning for an hour or so but for the last year he has also been going to the senior center to play cards twice a week. Just two weeks ago he started going to another senior center 10 miles away and has started working out on the machines. I never cease to be amazed. He's making new friends at 83.

 

[Jeanny]

he' s lonely and he's afraid to be alone. I know it's hard, I was my Dad's caregiver for 6 years before he died in January 2002. Being the only daughter, I took care of him, the only time my brothers showed up was if he had to be admitted to a hospital..... It's tough, but he needs to get a hobby, have you shown him the DisBoards?? This will really occupy his time!!!

 

[fantasymagic]

I looked back over my post and I certainly look like I was whining. My oldest son graduated from high school this weekend and he's going away to college in a couple of months. I'm worried about him. My middle son, who has had several open heart surgeries and missed a lot of school is a freshman and was having a difficult time with school - we got his grades this weekend and they were really bad. I'm worried to death about him.

So, I think I'm getting really stressed out. I appreciate everyone getting me back on track. Most of the time it's fine, but this weekend got the best of me. Perhaps it's time for a trip to WDW. By the way, we went there with my dad in 2002 and he loved it. Now THAT's what I need to focus on.

Thanks and pixiedust to all of you!

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by fantasymagic
I looked back over my post and I certainly look like I was whining.

----------------------------

Not "whining" - just "venting" - and we all need to do that from time to time..

We're always here for you.. Sometimes it's easier to talk to people who aren't personally involved in the situation..

 

[LScot]

Please don't call it whining. I am caregiver to my grandmother (90yo) when my parents go to FL for 6 months during the winter. Sometimes I need to vent also. Doesn't mean we don't love them. Hang in there. I know it is hard somedays!

 

[fantasymagic]

I just love you all to pieces.

 

[froglady]

Welcome to the Sandwich Generation.

I too am dealing with an elderly parent, and dealt with two of them prior to my Dad's death two years ago.


I was fortunate as my church offered a course on dealing with elderly parents. (As a sad aside, one of my friends who attended the course died last year, before the elderly parent!)

One of the statements that the social worker made has really stayed with me, and has saved my sanity! "All some really own are their needs, and no matter how much you do, it will never be enough. Decide how much time you can give, and stick to it! Yes, they raised you, but your first priority has got to be to your spouse and children."

Sometimes, you even have to resort to tough love. My mother started doing the same thing, so I told her that it was apparent that she couldn't live alone, so I would investigate nursing homes. That cut down on the demands immediately.

And as cruel as it seems, I did remind her that my grandmother ended her days in a nursing home, and they never did as much for their eldery parents as I've done. They were too busy working and raising their family.

Vent away! I'm fortunate that I have neighbors who are going through the same thing, so we can complain to each other.

 

[Scratch42]

Just when we think we all alone dealing with a situtation, here we have "Family" that can put it into perspective for us so that we can carry on!

I too am dealing with this type of situation and just remember, do make time for yourself! It's amazing how one little thing that you do for yourself will allow you to deal with what seems like a hopeless situation.

Great Big Bear

Hang in there, you are not alone!

Scratch

 

[Chattyaholic]

Aw sweetie, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

I'm an only child too, and starting to deal with the issues that go along with parents getting older. Thankfully they are still pretty much able to do most things on their own but I know the day will come when I will have to be doing more for them.

It's really a shame your Dad won't get involved in the local senior center, my parents live right down the street from ours and they are there nearly every day, go on the sponsored bus trips, have potlucks, etc.

Does your Dad like to play cards or bingo? Maybe it would be possible for you to go along with him to the center a couple of times, to introduce him to the place. Maybe if he would go he would enjoy it.

I really don't have much actual advice for you, just wanted to give you a little cyber-support. I hope you get some good advice from others here.