Anyone ever use "tough love" with their older kids? UPDATE!

[wdwnutze]

It's been a long weekend. Actually a long month or so in our house. My son will be 20 next month and I finally had to try some tough love on him. I won't go into detail but he has managed to get in quite a bit of trouble. How do I get over feeling so badly? Part of me just wants to hug him but the other part of me wants to choke him! I will have to stay strong but every time I think about him I'm in tears! Life is so much easier when they are young.
UPDATE: I was able to do what I needed to do today and I stayed strong (with the help of a really good friend). I had my son sent to a 30day treatment program. I hope he will be able to start getting his life in order. It was tough to sit across a court room with him in handcuffs and shackles while he looked at me and asked me "Why would you do this?" My answer was "Because I love you". His other option was 30days in jail. I stand by my decision and I hope eventually, he will understand. It is what he needs. I left him with an "I love you" and a hug and kiss and hope he remembers it. It was a very emotional day and one I hope to never have to repeat.

 

[Robinrs]

Oh yes...

My Mom's favorite line was Little children little problems, Big children, BIG problems.

As parents we love our kids, but we have to what I call the "bad guy". Tolerance of wrong things sends the message that they can do it again and still get away with it. I know you don't want that.

Keep in mind that a few days of consistent "tough love" or discipline can change a lifetime of problems.

Feeling bad about it is what we do. Just don't let him know! Cry in your room or hit a pillow but be strong around him. He'll get the message.

God bless and major hugs,

Robinrs

 

[goofy4tink]

My dd, now 27, has been the recipient of tough love more than once. When she had just graduated from high school, she got in with some not so great people and her life just spiraled downward. At one point it was so bad that she was stealing from me. After the third credit card theft, I reported it to the police. THey arrested her at her work place. Well, long story short....she is now a terrific pre-school teacher and tells me all the time how much she appreciates how hard it was to do what I did. But, that it in fact turned her life around. So hang in there. One day it will most likely turn around. At least it did for us. But it sure is hard to do at the time.

 

[MsDisney23]

I have a 19yr old as well away at College, and I have also used to TL. it does work, but know you must stick to your guns. Good Luck, it does get better.

 

[powellrj]

Its amazing how someone you love so much can make you sooooo crazy. We used tough-love on my oldest DS and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. His last year in high school and his first year of college where the hardest. Finally at the end of his first year of college I had enough. You DO SOMETHING or you move out. Well, the war started and HE DID SOMETHING. He joined the Army on the 2nd day of the war. It's been really hard, because I miss him more than I ever thought I could miss anyone.
He has grown up so much in this past year. I worry about him all the time, buy my DH reminds me that he made the choices from high school on. Sometimes they put you in the position that tough love is your only option. Good luck and just try to remember that this too shall pass ( maybe just a little slower than you had hoped)

 

[Dan Murphy]

Yes, absolutely.

 

[C.Ann]

Many years ago I was the co-coordinator for our local chapter of Tough Love - along with one of the high school teachers in our area.. It was a very enlightening experience - to say the least..

There are so many misconceptions about troubled teens/young adults and their parents.. People often assume that it's bad parenting, low income, single parenthood, etc., that cause these youths to act out and nothing could be further from the truth.. The parents we worked with were rich, poor, and everything in between.. Doctors, lawyers, ministers, teachers, psychiatrists, single parents, intact parents, grandparents with guardianships, and on and on..

Although we were involved with many aspects of dealing with these troubled young folks (attending court appearances with the parents; standing in for parents who couldn't bear to see Johnny arrested for the umpteenth time; providing short term respite care for the kids who could no longer reside at home; etc.) I think the most important service we provided was just
being there for the parents when they didn't know where else to turn and providing the support and encouragement that they needed in order to "stick to their guns".. Unlike counselors or therapists, we were available 24 hours a day - 7 days a week.. If someone felt the need to call us in the middle of the night - even if it was just to talk or cry - they were encouraged to do so.. Not a meeting went by that didn't include a whole bunch of crying and second-guessing of choices that had been made - or needed to be made..

I stayed active in our chapter and co-chaired weekly meetings for almost 6 years and I have to say it was a very grueling - but also extremely rewarding - period in my life.. The "success" stories far outweighed the "less" successful ones and I'm happy to say that the majority of those kids grew up to be responsible, productive adults who now have very good relationships with their parents..

Guilt is the hardest part of being a parent and even under the best of circumstances, we always manage to find something to feel "guilty" about.. However, we do have a responsibility to raise our children in a manner that will produce in law-abiding, responsible young adults and being "tough" - and demanding a certain standard from them - is a big part of that.. To do anything less is not only a disservice to them, but a disservice to society as well..

The best advice I can give anyone is to love your children enough to say no... Find someone who will support you in your attempts to deal with a problematic child and then stick to your guns no matter what.. If you allow your guilt to override what you KNOW is best for them, you will end up in a never-ending circle of manipulation, deceit, and unimaginable heartache.. Better to be tough now than sorry later..

Hang in there.. It will be okay as long as you don't waiver in what you KNOW is the right thing to do..

 

[MAC3]

I am mortified as I read this as the parent of an almost 12 yr old DD. But I just wanted so say {{{HUGS}}} to all you parents of teens.... I'm not looking forward to the journey myself.

Hang in there.

Lisa

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by MAC3
I'm not looking forward to the journey myself.

Lisa

-------------------------------------------

It's perfectly natural for teens to "push the envelope" - to see just how far they can go before someone calls them on it.. It's really not all that different than the stage they go through as toddlers - except when they're teens you have the added problem of outside influences..

I've always said I would rather go through the "terrible two's" a million times over than go through the "terrible teens" once!!!!!!

It's tough - but it can be done..

 

[frannn]

She works hard being a good parent to her two boys, one of which will be 19 in a few weeks. He is intelligent, and good at sports, etc. He started on a bad path a few years back and has been on and off since. Also on and off work. Her DH bought him a used car (as long as he did the right thing and to get back and forth to work, etc). He has since messed up. They don't know what to do. I'm only around them once a month, and I'm sure this is easy for me to say, but I think she is there for him too much. For example, the kid's going to be 19, so she's having a family b'day party for him. He's still living at home, but isn't he a bit too old for that? They have taken him to Drs, bailed him out of trouble, etc. I hope for her sake, they can find a middle ground where she gets to have some piece of mind. As long as she keeps picking up the pieces, etc, when will he ever learn to face the consequences for his actions?

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by frannn
As long as she keeps picking up the pieces, etc, when will he ever learn to face the consequences for his actions?

------------------------------------

Never..

To a "Mom" a 19-yr-old is still a child.. To the rest of the world he is an adult - and expected to act as such.. He needs to pay the consequences for his actions - no matter how awful those consequences might be.. Until he does, everyone else around him will pay the consequences instead..

 

[goofy4tink]

Some one on these boards has a great line in their sig area...
I will prepare my child for the path, not the path for my child.
(Or something like that) It kind of sums up what we try to do for our kids. You try to make them strong enough to make good choices as they grow up. If you smooth out all the bumps in 'the path' of life, you are not doing them any favors. They have to fall down, pick themselves up and learn from their mistakes. So....
C.Ann....thank-you for all that you have done to help soooo many people. I'm sure you have made a huge difference in a lot of lives, in ways you may never know.

 

[wdwnutze]

Update on the 1st post.

 

[CEDmom]

My mom had to use tough love on 2 of my brothers. It was really hard but in the end all has worked out. They are both hardworking, upstanding citizens and 1 is a husband and father. They both have good relationships with my mom and have even thanked her for being so tough.

Good luck.

 

[CamColt]

Oh my! How incredibly difficult that must have been. Just know you did the right thing and pray that he will realize it someday soon.

 

[Minnesota!]

You did the right thing. You did what my mom did not learn for years.

My brother started dealing drugs at 12 or so. Was in JDC from then on for various things - truancy, drugs, intent to distribute, breaking and entering. I was the only one who turned him in. Mom did not. She didn't have the heart. I called the cops, I showed them where in his bedroom the stash was hidden. He is now 22, and currently serving out a sentence at a MN Prison. My mom looks back and regrets that she did not get tough with him from the get go. Especailly now that he has a baby on the way that he will miss the birth of. You need to nip it in the bud from the beginning. As painful as it was to see him, and to hear his questioning of your motives, you did the right thing. I have been on your side of the table TOOOO many times in the last 10 years. It doesn't get easier.

 

[Keli]

Oh my, that sounds like the most incredibly hard thing for a parent to have to do. I am so sorry that it came down to this for you and I applaude you for having the courage to help your son in this way. What a tough day.

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

I think we feel guilt at what our children do because lets face it, many people are out in the world who are judging our moves as parents. I've seen it happen on these boards, where people hold up their successful children and say "if you did it MY way, your child wouldn't be in this kind of mess"............

so that's where a lot of guilt comes in.

I personally believe that Tough Love is named so because it's the toughest for mom/dad to dole out. We've had to give it to my child a few times. She's doing much better after having learned that SHE ALONE is responsible for her messes!
She has learning disabilities to blame her life problems on but so far she's not using them as an excuse.

I don't think our daughter would have learned a thing if she hadn't been allowed to FEEL all the consequences of her decisions/choices.

Good luck to you and your son. I think most kids DO grow up and out of these "phases".......I'll keep you in my thoughts. *hugs*

 

[wendyl]

wdwnutze:

I think you are so brave--and Thank God there are parents like you out there.

 

[yourtravelpro]

We love our kids so much, sometimes it just hurts! You did the right thing, he will realize it someday when he has children of his own.