Anyone else watch Dr. Phil today?

[Disney Enthusiast]

Originally posted by tonyswife
Do you realize how insulting it is for you to say SAHMoms don't have an independant adult identity? Really, There are plenty of scenarios in which a family is better off with a stay at home parent, financially and otherwise.

No one should judge another family based on how they choose to parent their kids. Both SAHM and WM have pros and cons.

I'm glad you are happy with your choice, I'm just as happy with mine.

Well said Tonyswife. That was very insulting and I can't understand for the life of me why people must put others down like that.

I, too, work out to stay healthy, only I must get my workout in after my DH gets home around 8 or 9 PM. Until 2 wks ago (when my DD FINALLY slept thru the night) I was up at least twice thru the night feeding her. My DH gets up at 4:00 to go to work and I with him to send him off w/ a kiss. If I watch TV, it's after the kids go to bed. My DH is supportive and wonderful and I wouldn't be able to keep up if not for his love and support. And I have wonderful friends as well which keep me independent and in the loop. I keep up w/ current events and think I'm doing a pretty good job. And I am reading a chapter a night of a really good book too. I have kept my identity and have friends who are both SAHM and WM, all of which are interesting to me.

I love what I do and wouldn't change it for the world. But the decision should be made to do what's best for that particular family. And none of us have the right to question or judge other families. I respect both WM and SAHM and so should all of us.

 

[tonyswife]

Originally posted by Pugdog007
I think the bigger issue for SAHM's is that they aren't prepared to support themselves if their marriage falls apart or something worse happens.

Everyone should be able to support themselves, IMO.

ALL SAHMs? What about WAHMs who work minimum wage or close to it jobs? Are THEY prepared to support themselves if their marriages fall apart or worse? I really don't think this is an exclusively SAHM issue.

BTW, everyone should read, "The Two Income Trap" It is NOT an anti working mother book, but rather a book about the false security of being totally dependant on two incomes.

 

[Disney Enthusiast]

Originally posted by Pugdog007
I think the bigger issue for SAHM's is that they aren't prepared to support themselves if their marriage falls apart or something worse happens.

Everyone should be able to support themselves, IMO.

I understand your sentiments, but I guess I am willing to take the gamble. My DH and I are working toward common goals and want our children to have a SAHM just as we both did. I can always go back to work when my kids go to school, just as my Mom did, but I'll make that decision when the time comes. I do all the payroll and acctg work for our contracting company so I keep my mind working and I have a background in education and the service industry and can always get a job in one of those areas if our life doesn't work out as planned. But so far we are so happy and we are living better than we could have dreamed because we are working together for our family to make this situation the best possible one for us.

 

[mom2alix]

Originally posted by tonyswife
ALL SAHMs? What about WAHMs who work minimum wage or close to it jobs? Are THEY prepared to support themselves if their marriages fall apart or worse? I really don't think this is an exclusively SAHM issue.

BTW, everyone should read, "The Two Income Trap" It is NOT an anti working mother book, but rather a book about the false security of being totally dependant on two incomes.

I agree about "The Two Income Trap". It was a really interesting book. Whether both parents work or not, living on the equivalent of one income is a smart move. Being dependent on both incomes in order to pay the mortgage is a scary position to be in.

The SAHM's I know are former licensed family therapists, registered dieticians, teachers, etc. (you get the drift). All have kept up their professional certifications and could go back to work if they chose (or needed to). Just because someone is a sAHM is no reason to assume she would have a hard time supporting herself.

We also have ample life insurance on both DH and me (it would cost him a lot to replace my non-monetary contributions too)!

 

[Disney Enthusiast]

Originally posted by mom2alix

We also have ample life insurance on both DH and me (it would cost him a lot to replace my non-monetary contributions too)!

That is so true! My DH and I save paying someone $40,000 to do what I do for the business, and that doesn't include what I do as a SAHM. His accountant just explained how much he would have to pay for a Nanny if something happened to me, and we now have insurance as well. I'd say I'm a 6 figure income girl!

 

[huey duey & luey]

Originally posted by Disney01
[ Most independent, intelligent adults can figure out how to carve 10-15 minutes to maintain basic hygiene...If they can't, then they need to take a parenting class as well as a time management class. [/B]

I was trying so hard to stay out of this thread but I MUST respond to this. I have 2 1/2 year old triplets and when they were first born let me tell you there were literally days that I barely ate or slept let alone showered. It just wasnt high on my list of priorities. If I had a free minute it was usually spent doing laundry, washing bottles or pumping. I was alone from 830 in the morning until 930 at night., and when my dh came home all I wanted to do was sleep. BTW I hold a masters degree from NYU. I think with that the amount of time I put into parenting I can RUN a parenting class. I would love to see you last 1 day in my home and then maybe you would be a little less judgmental.
For what it is worth I feel that the decision to work or stay home is completely personal and I would never judge nor fault anyone for the decisions they made
Tara

 

[luvmk]

Tara--You are the perfect example of why people don't know what is best for each family. I couldn't imagine what your days must have been like.

I see you are taking your children to WDW soon. Have a magical first trip!


Rachel

 

[mom2alix]

Tara - I'm sure you have time management down to a science by now! Good luck with your Disney trip. I'm sure you'll all have a blast. DD is the same age as your kids and they are just so much fun at this age!

 

[AnnetteF]

I didn't see the Dr. Phil show but I have heard this debate many times before. I am now a SAHM. I am 40 and just had my first child 6 months ago. Before that I worked for many years in the financial industry. I thought my jobs were pretty stressful. For me, the decision to stay home with my daughter was made because I simply could not imagine not seeing her for 10 hours of the day, 5 days a week. I love being with her and even though we miss the money from my income, FOR ME it was the only decision I could have made. I have great respect for WM's and know that they are faced with a whole different set of challenges every day that I'm sure I couldn't even imagine. However, I have to say that I work harder now than I ever have in my life. When I think about my job before, I used to go in in the morning and there were a few responsibilities that needed immediate attention but after that, I was free to enjoy a cup of tea and leisurely read my e-mails. I could plan what I wanted to get done that day in an orderly fashion. I feel like now, I work from morning until night with only a few "breaks" when the baby is napping and then I'm playing catch up on household chores. When my husband is home, he will watch the baby for a short time if I need to do something but it's clear that the baby is my responsibility. During my pregnancy I gained 45 pounds but I've since lost 60 pounds without dieting - just my day to day activity running around with the baby. That never happened when I was parked at my desk 9 hours a day. My nails were polished once for her Christening Day and that was two coats of polish that I threw on very quickly and actually quite sloppy the night before after my DD was asleep. I plan to someday go back to work someday when my daughter is older but for now, I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't feel that I have lost my identity and I feel confident that I could go back to work anytime it became necessary for whatever reason, either to the company I worked for before or elsewhere. A career or money will always be there - my daughter will only be a little girl for a short time.

 

[disykat]

I also thought Dr Phil was not as supportive of SAHMs. He kept pointing out the horrible things the SAHM, but not pointing out the equally horrible things the WM said. I wonder what his wife thought.

I have never understood the big deal - let people make their own choices. Why people have to say nasty things about the other side to justify their own choices mystifies me. Of course people think their own choice is best - why else would they have chosen it!

I did have a problem with the part about the WM upset at PTA, etc. If she was in charge of the PTA she could have the meetings whenever she wanted IMO (apparently the majority at her sons school wanted daytime). In our case the majority of our PTA are teachers and right after school works best. Why not start an evening group and coordinate with the daytime group so that everyone can be involved - instead of sitting around whining about being excluded. I truly can't imagine a PTA not wanting the help.

 

[momof2inPA]

Originally posted by Disney01
Yes, your correct on both counts. It is a choice and one that everyone has a right to make. And, it is somewhat insulting. However, it is also my opinion. Most of my female friends and relatives who have chosen to stay at home do seem to lose some of the qualities that made them independent, interesting, fun females. They just become "Moms"-and very boring ones at that. For example, most of them state how they have to rise at 5:30 or 6:00 am to get up with the kids and don't have time to even take a shower! Well, I get up at 3:45 a.m. every morning so I have time to not only take a shower, but also fit in a long work out, before getting my son off to school. Most independent, intelligent adults can figure out how to carve 10-15 minutes to maintain basic hygiene...If they can't, then they need to take a parenting class as well as a time management class.

I call this a "Sex and the City" mentality. We must all sit at cafes drinking lattes and smoking during lunchtime with our designer shoes to be interesting people. Sweetie, it was just a show. My reality as a SAHM is so much deeper and sweeter than that, but you could never understand.

Let me ask my kids if they would rather spend the day with their loving mom or in daycare.

 

[huey duey & luey]

Originally posted by luvmk
Tara--You are the perfect example of why people don't know what is best for each family. I couldn't imagine what your days must have been like.

I see you are taking your children to WDW soon. Have a magical first trip!


Rachel

Thanks Rachel
It is actually their 2nd trip we went in oct2002 when they were 8 months old we are hoping this trip runs a little smoother lol
Tara

 

[huey duey & luey]

Originally posted by luvmk
Tara--You are the perfect example of why people don't know what is best for each family. I couldn't imagine what your days must have been like.

I see you are taking your children to WDW soon. Have a magical first trip!


Rachel

Thanks Rachel
It is actually their 2nd trip we went in oct2002 when they were 8 months old we are hoping this trip runs a little smoother lol
Tara

 

[dumboiu]

Originally posted by momof2inPA
Let me ask my kids if they would rather spend the day with their loving mom or in daycare.

BINGO...............well said, momof2inPA......

 

[totalia]

Personally, I'd NEVER stay at home to take care of the kids. It feels too much like giving up myself for them and I simply can't do it. I love kids but I'M important too.

My mom was a stay at home mom. I have to say, though she loved being at home with us, and she considered us all of her life and loved us dearly, she gave up her dreams to do it. She was never entirely happy with her life because of that.

I don't think she made a worthwhile trade. We'd have done just fine if she had worked part time and gone to college like she had always wanted to do. Right up until she died, I always wished I could give her what she had given up. I think she would have felt more whole as a person instead of a singular identity as "the girls mom."

 

[decker96]

Totalia -- I totally understand what you're saying, and you make a good point. But it's not that way for all SAHM. I can honestly say I did not give up any of my dreams to stay home with my kids. I graduated from college and went to graduate school. I still have my own identity and do things just for myself. I just decided that when my kids were born I wanted to stay home with them full-time.
It's not that way for everyone and that's totally fine. I'm not against moms working. I think everyone needs to choose what's right for them. I just get upset when one side feels the need to criticize the choices the other side has made. There is no "right way". Fighting about it is unecessary and doesn't solve anything anyway.

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

Every person is different, each family is unique and whatever works for you is just fine with me. There are good working moms and awful SAHM's and the reverse as well. Most us just do the very best we can in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in.

I help take care of my grands so that my daughter can have the best of both worlds, she has a career and a mom who fills in the cracks so she can do so without guilt. I love being able to do that for her. BTW, this is the same dd who hated me for being a SAHM. LOL I must be the only mom who had that happen. Might have had something to do with the fact that I was there to watch over her difficult teen years and did not back down. Was well worth it.

I just dropped by cause I saw that there were 666 people who had read this thread and wanted to bump it up to get rid of that number. LOL

I hope everyone is living their dreams, whatever they may be.

SG/Linda

 

[mom2alix]

I absolutely agree decker96. Totalia - if you don't think you'd be happy at home, you should definitely do what is right for you. A happy, fulfilled mom is most important for a child, whether that means a mom who happily stays home or a mom who pursues her career while the child enjoys high quality day care. Staying at home and being miserable isn't doing the kids or the mom any good.

I think our generation has a lot more moms who actually are choosing to stay home, not giving up their dreams. We're pretty fortunate that women have a lot more options than they did in the 70s. At least the moms I know who stay home had careers before they had kids and have options to go back to those careers once their kids are older if they choose to do so. We don't feel like we're missing out on anything and if anything feel pretty lucky to have the choice to stay home. There are a lot of people who say they would like to, but can't afford it.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

I have no idea why we as women attack each other on this issue! We have fought very hard to have the choice to do either.

Here is what I say about me as a SAHM:

I admire women who work and keep their houses running - but when your kids aren't in the house all day making a mess - there is less to do around the house. I know when your kids come home they make a mess and you spend your time cleaning that up - but just like you spend every minute you are home picking up after everyone - I spend my ENTIRE day doing this!

Because I am a SAHM more is expected from me at school - which I gladly do - my neighbors who work ask more of me for their children - I am called on to do things that working moms are not.

On top of that - I volunteer, work part time at my church 2 nights a week and have to find someone to watch my kids for ANY activity I want to do from 9-5 - which is usually my SAHM friends who I watch their kids in return.

I use my education daily - I keep up on political and current issues, I teach my kids to read and write, I help them with their homework, I help plan fundraisers at school and for local charities, I keep my family's budget, I give counsel to my husband and friends. I show my children that being educated and able to socialize with all levels of society is very important. My husband is in politics and last week I was at a dinner party with a congressman - don't tell me I am not using my college degree when I support my husband at his work events with lawyers and doctors.

Personally - I don't think I could get up early enough to get my two kids ready and out the door for me to be at work on time. I truly admire women who can.

Let's admire the choices that we as women are allowed to make and stop attacking women who make a choice different than we do.

 

[Hannahsmom]

I am really overwhelmed by the response to my little 'ol thread!! I really didn't intend to start a debate, honest!

I don't think anyone ever wished they worked more in their lives when the end comes.