Anyone else have a spirited child?

[labdogs42]

I have determined that AJ (my 3 year old DS) is a "spirited" child. I bought the book and it is him for sure! He's very intense, very focused, hates change, and can really wail when things don't go his way. I'm trying to learn how to help him learn to make transitions and how to deal with change (of course, I'm kind of the same way, so change is hard for both of us!) with less meltdowns. Some days we do well, some days, not so much. Today was one of the not so great ones.

I know some folks here must have kids like this. Does anyone have any suggestions? How do you deal with your spirited child? What sets them off?

For example, AJ seems to like me to wear my pajamas 24/7 (of course, this would be great, but we can't all wear our pj's all the time). He has a total meltdown if I get dressed in the morning (screaming, crying, yelling, "I don't like your clothes, I like you in your jammies!!"). I used to think it was because it was a sign that I was going to work and he was going to daycare, but he even flips out when we're staying home for the day and I get dressed. I have tried explaining that he isn't going to school and I just want to be dressed, I have tried ignoring the meltdown (hard, but he gives up eventually), nothing seems to change the behavior. It has come to the point, where I just hate to get dressed in the morning because I know what is coming!

I'm thinking this is a little more than regular three year old behavior. I think it is just "spirit", I hope it isn't anything else! Anyone dealing with something similar or dealt with it in the past? I could really use some help here! (oh yeah, if you had perfect kids who listened to your every word, please don't feel the need to tell me about them here -- thanks!)

 

[DawnM]

Wish I had answers for you. My oldest was exactly like that at age 3. I seriously worried that he would be kicked out of preschool! He got in trouble a few times and we did see a therapist for a while.

He is now 10 and still has issues with all that you have mentioned, but he has added maturity to it and the meltdowns are farther apart and often can be dealt with in a more positive way (don't get me wrong, we still have days like today where I am not sure he will live to see 11.....he sure knows how to push buttons!)

My son is also a hyper focus-er (I know, not a real word). I really think this can be a great advantage, esp. as an adult. He would be the perfect Engineer.....won't eat, sleep or stop until the project is DONE! It doesn't always work while being a kid though.

Dawn

 

[staci]

My son has his quirks ( he is 4). He has never adopted well to change.

For instance, we have to come home down our street from the north. If we come from the south, he has a meltdown. He also must eat with a fork with 4 prongs or he wont eat (we have some 3 pronged forks). He stopped speaking and started stuttering for about 4 weeks after dd was born (scared the life out of me). He is never BAD on purpose, he just gets very upset and worked up easily. He is an extremely sensitive child.

I find if I am really predictable with him it helps. I explain what is going to happen in advance of any changes. I also try to push the limits a bit when I can. We are working right now on the coming home a different direction thing - I will purposly tell him I want to show him something (a blue house, a nice dog, etc) and will drive the other way home. We have actually gotten to the point that is not happy about it, but he doesnt cry.
I try to stick to a routine that he and I both know. We talk each evening about the plans for the next morning, and I regularly check in with him during the day. Every morning we have a very predictable schedule - up at 8, watch Super Why from 8-8:30 with a cereal bar and milk, then potty, then dressed, then out the door for preschool.

I find if I stay one step ahead of him with maintaining a schedule and keeping him posted, his quirkiness all but disappears.

HTH!

 

[doodlesmommy]

I know exactly which book you are referring to and exactly which temper tantrum you witness daily! My best friend gave me that book when my son turned 3. We made a huge move to Europe that year and it turned him from a calm child to one that was simply, well unpredictable. That book taught me how to slow down and re-word things and to effectively communicate with him better. It helped soooo much. I couldn't walk in a store with him because it was too overwhelming. That is where I would experience the break downs. (At least you get them in the comfort of your home with no one watching. LOL!!) To this day before we go in Target I have to give the speech and then the countdown before we leave. He is nine now and it may comfort you to know I haven't experienced one of those breakdowns for at least five years and it helped me be a better Mom to our second child when she came along. You're a great Mommy for reading this book.

 

[DawnM]

I have read this book too and I do love the authors. They wrote some teacher/discipline books as well.

I wish I could say the techniques worked as well on my son as it does on yours. They did help, but they were certainly not a cure-all.

Dawn

I know exactly which book you are referring to and exactly which temper tantrum you witness daily! My best friend gave me that book when my son turned 3. We made a huge move to Europe that year and it turned him from a calm child to one that was simply, well unpredictable. That book taught me how to slow down and re-word things and to effectively communicate with him better. It helped soooo much. I couldn't walk in a store with him because it was too overwhelming. That is where I would experience the break downs. (At least you get them in the comfort of your home with no one watching. LOL!!) To this day before we go in Target I have to give the speech and then the countdown before we leave. He is nine now and it may comfort you to know I haven't experienced one of those breakdowns for at least five years and it helped me be a better Mom to our second child when she came along. You're a great Mommy for reading this book.

 

[labdogs42]

He is nine now and it may comfort you to know I haven't experienced one of those breakdowns for at least five years and it helped me be a better Mom to our second child when she came along. You're a great Mommy for reading this book.

That is a comfort to me. I hope that someday I will be able to get dressed without having to warn him!!

 

[bumbershoot]

From what you've described he sounds alright to me. Not the tranquil child my friends all seemed to have (all girls, by the way), but OK.

Now, if he ever attacks you while at a festival like my guy did, and you suddenly realize he just had a lollipop or something like I figured out, and you post about it, THEN I will be urging you to look for high fructose corn syrup, and related items, in his diet, and figure out if the flip-outs happened shortly after he ate/drank things containing that evil ingredient (and related ingredients), but just from what you've described, it sounds OK.

 

[doodlesmommy]

As DawnM said, it is not a cure all. You have to work with the information in the book and your son's personality to see what works best for you. I found that the more I involved Bryce in some of the decisions (i.e. which outfit, etc)the better off I was in the long run. Hang in there. If it doesn't get a little better, talk to your pediatrician.

 

[Minnie M6]

That book saved my sanity! I love the positive label and felt that it described DS in a way that really didn't imply that he was hyper, difficult, etc. It's been a while since I pulled it out from the shelf but I know it talked a lot about persistence as a character trait- this was my biggest problem with DS when he was younger. He would get locked in on an idea and I would get into a battle with him every time. I knew that this would serve him well later in life, but it was so hard to take sometimes. He is now 9, and while he continues to be a challenge, it does get better with age. I was so afraid that school would be a bad experience, but it turned out that he responded very well to the structure of school, and his behavior is always better with others than it is with me. (Although he is still stubborn- recently told his teacher who was gently suggesting that he needed to write smaller and less sloppy, "this is just how I write, I have written like this since Kindergarten"- very resistant to change).

I'm glad you found the book, I read lots of parenting books and this was one of the best!

 

[r4blessings]

I also have a child that is very challenging, although not in the way that you describe. She is child #3 and very, very strong-willed and determined and strives to have the upper hand. But also like many pp mentioned, this can serve her well as she gets older. And I was totally unprepared, since two older ds's were not at all willful.

Anyway, just a tip for you.....try getting up ahead of your ds and getting dressed so that you are dressed already when he awakes. If you take away the "transition" of jammies to clothes it might change the dynamics of the morning. I found out with dd(who is 4 now) that avoiding the argument or the power struggle if it was possible (for instance not something that was non-negotiable like health and safety issues) made things a lot easier. I had to change my way of thinking about winning/losing power struggles with sometimes taking the path of least resistance when possible.

Hope this helps, and even if it doesn't, a ton of us moms have been/are in your shoes!

 

[Camno's Mama]

My ds is also like this...has been since about the time he turned three...he is now four and a half. I try to talk to him about things while he's calm...it doesn't do much good once he gets started. When he does get started, I just wait it out and then give him the attention he desires once he's calm. Also, talk to him about it at total off times. For example, why do you get so upset when I change my jammies? What do you like about my jammies? Are there things you like to do when I'm in them? And maybe tell him that you really like wearing clothes, too. That it makes you feel nice and that if you always wore jammies you wouldn't get to wear all of your pretty clothes or something. Sometimes, my ds takes pity on me when I tell him that certain things make me feel special! I've been able to handle his outbursts better because, due to those "off time" conversations, I understand better why he's doing it.

As for the jammies thing...my guess would be that you are probably more relaxed when in your jammies. You might be more likely to cuddle and just hang out. Maybe just be more conscious of that when you are dressed. I know that I'm more relaxed in my jammies!

Try not to worry. I think they all go rough patches...some last longer than others. I just try to be really patient and cross my fingers that we won't be having the same battles when he's 25!

 

[brymolmom]

I have one very mild asperger's child ds5 (very tough with transitions, very in need of routine) and one very challenging child dd4. It sounds like your ds is a mixture of my two.

One question - what is your discipline technique? I know with my 'high spirited'/challenging one - I needed to start strict guidelines with action - consequence very early - She had some timeouts even before she was two. And then it has been up to dh and I to stick to it so that she knows the boundaries and consequences. When she shows her 'spirit' - it might mean missing her TV show or not getting to play in the basement, etc. So she can make that choice. And I have been very concerned about teaching her appropriate behaviors as she will be starting Kindergarten in September and being 'high spirited' is not an excuse for disrupting a classroom (well, no more so than an average Kindergartener at least).

Some ideas about the PJ's - try making a chart or list about the morning routine and have ds cross each one out as it is done (you can laminate it and use dry-erase markers to make it reusable) - include: get out of bed, brush teeth, get dressed (for each of you). Sit down and go through the 'new' chart and new routine. Maybe with the fun of being able to cross out each one - it will give him something else to focus on besides being upset about it. Some of the pp's ideas are good too. If none of them works - I would personally tell him - I will get dressed now, if you're upset - that's ok - but go to your room until you settle down. Maybe without you as his 'audience' he will decide it isn't such a big deal and settle down quickly.

 

[juliana_sd]

I love that book. It's become second nature to me by now to handle things they way they suggest. And I can tell if I start to slip! Consistency is key.

 

[kacaju]

love, love, love that book!! I can remember reading in the car (dh was driving) and I read the section about change and how some kids would freak if you told them you were getting hamburgers and instead you gave then a hot dog (something to that effect)
OMG my #2 dd. God Fobid we told her we were going to stop at McDonalds and instead we stopped at Burger King. My MIL used to think we were *spoiling her* by *giving into her*
Once we started to take the time and explain EXACTLY what we were doing that day she became a much better child. I clearly remember her being 4 and we were out. I told her we were going home and half way home I remembered I needed to stop at Kohl's. I was able to talk to her before hand, ask her if it was OK to stop and WOW... what a huge difference. I was able to run in and get what I needed without the fight I would have had if I just stopped without letting her know the what and why we needed to stop!!

She is 12 and to this day wants to know at night what are we doing the next day.

 

[labdogs42]

Some ideas about the PJ's - try making a chart or list about the morning routine and have ds cross each one out as it is done (you can laminate it and use dry-erase markers to make it reusable) - include: get out of bed, brush teeth, get dressed (for each of you). Sit down and go through the 'new' chart and new routine. Maybe with the fun of being able to cross out each one - it will give him something else to focus on besides being upset about it. Some of the pp's ideas are good too. If none of them works - I would personally tell him - I will get dressed now, if you're upset - that's ok - but go to your room until you settle down. Maybe without you as his 'audience' he will decide it isn't such a big deal and settle down quickly.

I was thinking of doing a chart, too. I think I"ll do that today.

I have tried being dressed before he wakes up, but that is often just as big of a nightmare. As soon as he sees me in my clothes, he starts wailing. It is horrible. Of course, it doesn't happen EVERY time I have my clothes on, so it is hard to know what is working and what isn't.

I do tend to let him cool off upstairs or in another room if he gets upset when I get changed. I just wish I could avoid the whole turmoil!

Now, on a positive note, I have managed to get dressed this morning without incident (so far). I warned him I was going to get changed, went upstairs and changed, and he didn't lose it. Of course, HE still needs to get dressed and actually go to school!

Oh yeah, today we are taking fruit to school for their Easter Party. DS didn't want me to send the apples and strawberries (his favorites), but he was OK with taking green grapes and pineapple. I'm letting him win that battle. I hope the other kids like green grapes and pineapple! (AJ actually doesn't like the green grapes. I bought them because they were on sale and he wouldn't eat them because he, "eats red grapes, not green ones". That's why he is OK with them going to his friends! ) But, if taking green grapes helps him get out the door easier this morning, so be it!!

 

[momo3hods]

I have a five-year old who was diagnosed with PDD last spring. He had many tantrums and has many quirks - clothes can not get wet, schedule can't change too much, everyone must follow directions, hates to be "spoken to" (will cry and scream uncontrollably)

Things have gotten much better for him in the past two years. The biggest help was a wall schedule I made with pictures and words of the task. I started him out with a complete schedule: get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, go to school (with a picture of a school bus), eat lunch, play outside, pick up his sister, and so on. The tasks all had velcro on them so he could put them up and take them down when complete. His schedule could also change each day and it helped him prepare for what was coming...

 

[Kanga+2Roos]

I haven't heard of this book before--can you please tell me the title & author? I have been at my wits end for years with my DS6 since he is so prone to meltdowns over the silliest things--I need help! I have always wondered if he was a perfectionist or if he just plain gets frustrated easily because of the way he reacts to things. When he is in school he is fine according to the teacher which blew me away when I had my first parent-teacher conference. It must be something with being on a schedule at school. When I questioned his doctor about this she just asks how he is in school & if there aren't any issues there she just says it's a boy thing. He is such a sweet little guy when he is calm--I just could never understand why he got upset at the drop of a hat!

I'm going to run out & get that book ASAP--this may give me some answers that I've been looking for! I'm glad I'm not alone on this!

 

[Manda]

He is never BAD on purpose, he just gets very upset and worked up easily. He is an extremely sensitive child.

I'm glad to hear someone else say that. I try to explain this to people all the time. I hear other people talk about how their kids throw tantrums and they are just doing it to manipulate or get their way and how I should just ignore him or walk away, etc. But he's not just screaming to get his way. It might seem like a silly reason to be upset to someone else, but he's legitimately upset and sad and that's why he's crying. It's not his fault he's emotional and sensitive and I'm not going to punish him for that. I'm not going to give him whatever he's upset about necessarily, but I'm not going to scold him for being upset when I say no either. I was/am the same way and I remember crying like that when I was a kid. My Mom would say something and it was like I could just feel the sob burst out of my chest. I couldn't stop it and I was truly upset. I didn't care how trivial it seemed.

Since I only have one child, I never realized until recently that most other kids aren't quite as thrown off by change as my son is. I'm so used to over-explaining things to him and preparing him for changes. When we were at Disney in September, I took my niece - they were both 4 years old (4 weeks apart). My niece requested to ride Peter Pan and we walked over there and it was a 60 minute wait and we didn't have time to wait. I took a huge deep breath and walked over to begin to explain this to her and prepared for the conversation and potential melt-down that I'm used to with my son. I started in... "Violet, the wait for Peter Pan is very long...", before I could even start in on the rest of my spiel about why we were going to have to change our plan, she just said 'Okay.' And then just carried on as it this change in plans was no big deal. I was shocked.

 

[mom2att]

My 7-year-old is my spirited one. We're still learning together how to get through transitions and make everyday life acceptable, but things are a lot better now than they were when he was 3 and 4. I've found the following books, in addition to the Spirited Child book already mentioned, very helpful:

The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross W. Greene

The Sensory-Sensitive Child by Karen A. Smith and Karen R. Gouze

Also, as another poster mentioned, food sensitivities are sometimes a behavior trigger with these kids. I know my son is a different kid when he has foods with artificial flavors and colors in his diet, and the result is not pretty. He can actually be halfway reasonable when we are careful with what he eats.

I wouldn't change my son for anything, but I can say with certainty that he is just wired differently than most kids. My dd and younger ds are sooo easy in comparison!

 

[Aneille]

I've read that book which helped but didn't fix things for us.

This book was the right fix for our family. Now I may have had a better understanding at the point when I read it. My child was also a bit older when I read this. She had just turned 5 I believe.

The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

I know alot had to do with her growing up but a lot of the problem was I was getting upset. I just started letting some things go, mentally noted all the things that got her bothered and started helping her notice the issues and start being able to fix them herself.

Tuesday she got upset with what was happening in a video game and she actually said "Mom, I need help, I am getting too upset and my emotions are too much". She said this and you could hear everything about to boil over and explode.

I gave her a hug and she shut the game off. She was about to yell at her sister because she was frustrated in the game, and instead she recognized the feeling, got a hug and a lot of praise from her Mom.