Anybody have any good jokes?
- Thread starter MBeds
- Start date
FullStride
Mouseketeer
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2006
- Messages
- 222
MBeds said:
TO BE 6 AGAIN
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
observing
his wife turning back
and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked
what
she'd like to have for
her Birthday.
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still
looking
in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made
her a nice big bowl of
Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags
theme
park. What a day ! He
put her on every ride in the park; the Death
Slide,
the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything
there was. Five hours
Later they staggered out of the theme park. Her
head was reeling and her
stomach
felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered
her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,
and
her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she
wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, Well Dear,
what
was it like being six again ??
Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression
suddenly
changed.
I meant my Dress Size, you dumb "mule" !!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is going to get it
wrong.
AllyandJack
* Here is where a picture of my girls would be, if
- Joined
- Nov 27, 2001
- Messages
- 4,068
I don't have any that are fit to be told here! Maybe someone could link some of the threads about humiliating moments or something like that. Those are awesome and always good to get you out of a slump.
I'm sorry you're feeling down.....things are stinking over on this end, too, so
to you.
I'm sorry you're feeling down.....things are stinking over on this end, too, so
to you.
A young man in Salem, Mass had fallen desparately, head-over-heels, in love. But the object of his emotions had no similar feelings. No matter what he tried, no matter what gifts, no matter how sincere, no reciprocal feelings were ever evident.
Obviously, he had to turn to more serious options. One of the Witch's Covens in the area was renowned for creating potions and powders to 'help' someone fall in love. But he was dissappointed to learn that fear of local authorities had caused the witches to all but cease such activities.
But, they told him, there was another option, not yet frowned upon by the local morality police (only because they were not familiar with its influence).
One of the single most powerful love-inducing spells could be applied by burying an enchanted tablet in the target-lady's path each day, and then being in her sight as she walked over it. The actions had to be repeated each day for a week. Full of hope, he took the packet of pills, and departed.
Each pre-dawn he would dig a shallow hole next to her front walk, and wait 'til she appeared. Then he would stand nonchalantly by as she went on her morning way.
On the seventh day, she paused, and then spoke to the young man. About a month later they were married. Unlike many forbidden tales such as this, they pretty much lived happily ever after.
The young man returned one day to the Coven, just to tell the witches how much he appreciated what they had done. "Not anything special..", one of them replied. "Oh yes", said another..
(ok.. prepare thyself....)
"Nothin says lovin' like somethin' from the Coven,
And pills buried says it best".
Obviously, he had to turn to more serious options. One of the Witch's Covens in the area was renowned for creating potions and powders to 'help' someone fall in love. But he was dissappointed to learn that fear of local authorities had caused the witches to all but cease such activities.
But, they told him, there was another option, not yet frowned upon by the local morality police (only because they were not familiar with its influence).
One of the single most powerful love-inducing spells could be applied by burying an enchanted tablet in the target-lady's path each day, and then being in her sight as she walked over it. The actions had to be repeated each day for a week. Full of hope, he took the packet of pills, and departed.
Each pre-dawn he would dig a shallow hole next to her front walk, and wait 'til she appeared. Then he would stand nonchalantly by as she went on her morning way.
On the seventh day, she paused, and then spoke to the young man. About a month later they were married. Unlike many forbidden tales such as this, they pretty much lived happily ever after.
The young man returned one day to the Coven, just to tell the witches how much he appreciated what they had done. "Not anything special..", one of them replied. "Oh yes", said another..
(ok.. prepare thyself....)
"Nothin says lovin' like somethin' from the Coven,
And pills buried says it best".
Annette_VA
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2004
- Messages
- 7,441
This will make you smile
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1102708
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1102708
Galahad
.....an appointment
- Joined
- May 22, 2000
- Messages
- 11,464
Posted this on another thread that didn't last very long but it's still very funny:
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have
had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and
from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on,
and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything
when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all
of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and
became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How
come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES.
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have
had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and
from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on,
and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything
when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all
of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and
became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How
come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES.
Annette_VA
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2004
- Messages
- 7,441
Galahad said:
Hardly anyone has not heard of the exploits of archer William Tell, and even those who immediately think of the Lone Ranger theme are at least aware of some guy named Tell that was immortalized in music.
A number of students researching several significant musical personalities were surprised, when digging through old belongings of the Tell family, to find apparel that looked uncannily like bowling shirts. One of the old cloth shirts had William over the pocket, and another had Robert, which coincidentally was the name of William Tells eldest son.
Further research proved fruitless, as no further information was available about any non-archery sporting activities of the family, and worst of all, the backs of the shirts had almost totally decayed and were completely unreadable.
So, not only were the students unable to obtain more details about the Tell family adventures in kegling, but they also were not able to determine . (ok .hold on .)
For whom the Tells bowled .
A number of students researching several significant musical personalities were surprised, when digging through old belongings of the Tell family, to find apparel that looked uncannily like bowling shirts. One of the old cloth shirts had William over the pocket, and another had Robert, which coincidentally was the name of William Tells eldest son.
Further research proved fruitless, as no further information was available about any non-archery sporting activities of the family, and worst of all, the backs of the shirts had almost totally decayed and were completely unreadable.
So, not only were the students unable to obtain more details about the Tell family adventures in kegling, but they also were not able to determine . (ok .hold on .)
For whom the Tells bowled .
salmoneous
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- Joined
- Nov 10, 2005
- Messages
- 6,466
This one is rated PG-13:
There's a group of buddies at work who golf every week. One day a woman in the office asks to join them. They kinda groan, but she assures them she plays well and won't hold them back. So they agree, telling her to meet at the first tee 6:30 Saturday morning.
"6:30?" she asks, "That may be a problem. I'll try, but I might not be able to get there until 6:45."
She does show up at 6:30 and does play well, beating the boys soundly.
"Same time next week?" she asked.
"See you at 6:30"
"Probably, but it may have to be 6:45"
The next week she shows up at 6:30, but this time carrying left-handed clubs. She isn't quite as smooth playing from that side, but she still wins. "Same time next week?"
Well, the guys didn't like getting beat by a woman, and sure didn't like getting beat by a woman playing wrong-handed. So they practice all week and get focused for the upcoming match.
The next week she isn't there at 6:30, showing up at 6:45 with her right-handed clubs. It's good that she is playing right-handed, because the boys are playing their best. She just manages a narrow victory.
By now they've gained some respect for each other and all the animosity is gone. So they head to the clubhouse for a few drinks. One of the guys gets up the nerve to ask what is up with the right and left handed clubs. She explains that she's always been ambidextrous and likes to mix things up to even out her muscles. The guy goes on to ask how she decides which way to play each day. Since she's had a few drinks, she decides to tell them
"My husband sleeps in the nude. On mornings when I am up early to golf, I pull back the sheet and see which way he is "leaning". If it's to the left, I play left-handed. If it's to the right, I play right-handed".
"What do you do if he's pointing straight up in the middle?"
"On those days, I get here at 6:45".
There's a group of buddies at work who golf every week. One day a woman in the office asks to join them. They kinda groan, but she assures them she plays well and won't hold them back. So they agree, telling her to meet at the first tee 6:30 Saturday morning.
"6:30?" she asks, "That may be a problem. I'll try, but I might not be able to get there until 6:45."
She does show up at 6:30 and does play well, beating the boys soundly.
"Same time next week?" she asked.
"See you at 6:30"
"Probably, but it may have to be 6:45"
The next week she shows up at 6:30, but this time carrying left-handed clubs. She isn't quite as smooth playing from that side, but she still wins. "Same time next week?"
Well, the guys didn't like getting beat by a woman, and sure didn't like getting beat by a woman playing wrong-handed. So they practice all week and get focused for the upcoming match.
The next week she isn't there at 6:30, showing up at 6:45 with her right-handed clubs. It's good that she is playing right-handed, because the boys are playing their best. She just manages a narrow victory.
By now they've gained some respect for each other and all the animosity is gone. So they head to the clubhouse for a few drinks. One of the guys gets up the nerve to ask what is up with the right and left handed clubs. She explains that she's always been ambidextrous and likes to mix things up to even out her muscles. The guy goes on to ask how she decides which way to play each day. Since she's had a few drinks, she decides to tell them
"My husband sleeps in the nude. On mornings when I am up early to golf, I pull back the sheet and see which way he is "leaning". If it's to the left, I play left-handed. If it's to the right, I play right-handed".
"What do you do if he's pointing straight up in the middle?"
"On those days, I get here at 6:45".
My dog Trouser is normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He chases tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He is a dog without a care. But on a fateful autumn afternoon, it would be different.
Trouser and I were out walking, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Sensing the sheer horror of the situation, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify things. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg.
Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit. In one of those terrible lesson that life teaches us from time to time, Trouser learned...
(yep, here it comes.....)
A mime is a terrible thing to taste.
Trouser and I were out walking, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Sensing the sheer horror of the situation, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify things. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg.
Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit. In one of those terrible lesson that life teaches us from time to time, Trouser learned...
(yep, here it comes.....)
A mime is a terrible thing to taste.
Boo'sMom
<font color=teal>Talks to the people in LK's head<
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2002
- Messages
- 17,049
my all time favorite joke:
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"
(are you ready?)
(are you sure?)
(here it comes!!!)
The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"
(are you ready?)
(are you sure?)
(here it comes!!!)
The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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