Any words of encouragement ??

[EdiePA]

Okay, fair warning, this will be a long post ...

I've been separated from my ex and divorced for three months. We both still attend the same church. I left for a while last year, but I truly missed my church family and singing in the choir.

Last night at our Contemporary service, the Christian Ed. Dir. (who I felt was a friend) came down from the front during prayer and share time to ask me if it was okay to ask for prayers for my ex, who is suffering a recurrence of cancer. I felt embarassed and singled out, and there was no right answer. Had I said, "No" then I would be a horrible person, but in saying, "yes" I was opening up myself to all the questions. I really hate being put on the spot.

Then, after the service people came up to ask what is wrong with my ex and to tell me that I had to "be there" for him. This really hurts -- he left me for someone else. (Who bailed once he was free). I realize that he has no family except our sons, but he had me, my sister and BIL and my parents and he CHOSE to walk away from all of us. The only ones in all of this that I feel I have to support and "be there" for are my sons.

Am I being too sensitive?? Should ex's be expected to answer questions about their ex?

Any ideas would help. I've cried all day and still have no idea where to go from here or what to do.

 

[Serena]

Do not do this to yourself. Your ex put you out of the picture, and you can tell those busybodies so. He left you. I hate it when we are made to feel that we didn't do enough either before, during or after and we have to suck it up for the man that left. I don't think so. It's ok to feel sympathy, but that's it.
Please don't tear yourself up over this.
If those people care so much, give them his number and address and they can take care of him. It's not your job anymore.

 

[Rajah]

Originally posted by Serena
Do not do this to yourself. You ex put you out of the picture, and you can tell those busybodies so. He left you. I hate it when we are made to feel that we didn't do enough either before, during or after and we have to suck it up for the man that left. I don't think so. It's ok to feel sympathy, but that's it.
Please don't tear yourself up over this.
If those people care so much, give them his number and address and they can take care of him. It's not your job anymore.

I agree.

 

[MosMom]

Yeah, I think that was a horrid position to put you in. I also agree fully that he walked away from those who loved him. As the saying goes...He made his bed. Be there for your sons if they are having a hard time dealing with this but you don't have to be there for him.

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

We both still attend the same church.

Last night at our Contemporary service, the Christian Ed. Dir. (who I felt was a friend) came down from the front during prayer and share time to ask me if it was okay to ask for prayers for my ex, who is suffering a recurrence of cancer. I felt embarassed and singled out, and there was no right answer. Had I said, "No" then I would be a horrible person, but in saying, "yes" I was opening up myself to all the questions. I really hate being put on the spot.

Why did he ask your permission if he could ask for prayers for your ex if your ex is still a member of the church? And to be honest, I can't understand why it would bother you. It's church, not the grocery store, praying is what you do in church. If you don't want to take part, don't. I can't understand why you would be offended by it.

 

[nativetxn]

Be kind to him but don't feel like you have to "take care of him." That is no longer your job and that was his choice, not your choice.

I know this must be a very difficult time for you. I'm sorry.

Katholyn

 

[EdiePA]

Gymnastics Mom,

I was offended just because of that -- it was church, it was prayer time, just pray for him if that's how you are led. You don't know to ask me if you can do it or if it will "bother" me. Can you imagine my embarassment having this person walk all the way to me (I was sitting in the back) and then ask for prayers for my ex.

Edie

 

[MosMom]

Right! If he is a member of the church, then just pray for him! You don't need to ask his ex wife! That was nonsense.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

She asked you in front of the congregation if it was "ok" to pray for him? What would she have done if you said no?

I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable for the way that was handled. Go eat some ice cream and slam some things around while muttering nasty things about her. That always makes me feel better.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

If it were me, I'd hope for his good health and wish him the best, but I would not go to comfort him and I would explain to anyone who asked that he left me and my children for another woman and walked away from us, and that I forgive him but will not take him back. It was his choice to leave.

I have an ex who is a complete psychopath and if he were ill and someone asked me if it was okay to pray for him, I would say yes and I would mean it because I don't want to see anyone, no matter how horrible they were to me, suffer.



You should not have been singled out.

 

[goofy4tink]

And while prayers are being said for your ex, you might want to add some of your own for the insensitive Christian Ed person who made you feel singled out. That was uncalled for. Just pray for crying out loud...you don't need to ask permission. I don't blame you for feeling like you do.

 

[Dan Murphy]

The Christian Ed. Dir. was TOTALLY off base in what s/he asked you, IMO. And no reason you have to answer to anybody, nor feel umcomfortable, it is the past.

 

[Disney Doll]

The Christian Ed. person was an idiot. If he felt the need to pray for oyur ex, he should have, without all the fanfare!

As far as supporting your ex, I'd certainly not wish him any ill, and certainly if oyu could find it in oyur heart to pray for him as the father of your children, then do so. But he is no longer your repsonsibility, and I would make that clear to anyone who tried to make me feel otherwise. A good stock response "Had he not chosen to put me out of his life, I'd would be there for him. I wish him no ill, but my primary concern is my children".

As another poster said, if all the other church members are so concerned that your ex needs "support" then perhaps they can offer it.

 

[Pugdog007]

Personally, I would take the Christian Ed person aside next time you see them, and tell them you feel what they did was inappropriate and made you feel uncomfortable.

 

[Serena]

Great idea. What he did was wrong.

 

[Esmerelda]

I agree that this person was waay out of line and making you uncomfortable like that was not necessary at all. Its not any of his concern what you do...its your business. I would set him straight next time I ran into him in private.

(laughing here....thinking that as my ex walks into church (any) that the holy water just simply sizzles....as he is also about as sick as they get.....)

Esmerelda