Any way to respond to this besides ignore it?

[mrsklamc]

I'll try to make a long and complicated story short but here it goes;

By all accounts my grandmother was a fairly nice person early in life, other than having some trouble with the way grandpa (her husband) doted on my mom (oldest dd.)

Grandma and Grandpa's youngest child, my uncle, was born with cerebral palsy, which for years Grandma blamed on my Grandpa having her drive a farm truck a short distance while she was pregnant. When my DSister and D-SIL started having babies grandma railed against c-sections and how the baby had to go through the birth canal for their brain to develop properly and all sorts of nonsense. In ALL situations my grandma has a need to not have done anything remotely wrong, and her reaction to the C-Section issue makes me think that possibly it was suggested for my uncle and she refused, and needs desperately to believe that he wouldn't have been fine if she had consented (the cord was around his neck.) Whatever the cause, since that time, grandma has become a bitter, controlling, angry person.

Grandpa passed away 2 years ago, and Grandma has taken to saying to me "Your marriage is so much like me and Grandpa's. Our marriage would have been perfect if your uncle hadn't been crippled." Well, first of all, she was yelling at him constantly for one thing or another that he hadn't done to her liking, he just had the patience of a saint, he'd apologize and go 'work' in the barn for hours. And secondly, she expects me to SAY something in response to this. I have no idea what. I've tried "Oh, really?" or something equally noncommittal, I've tried not saying anything which eventually she can't stand and goes on to some other topic. The phrase just bugs me a lot, for one thing, and I don't know what it is she's looking for me to say, for another. There are some pretty eloquent DISer's out there so I thought someone might have a suggestion as she says it EVERY time I talk to her and it's just really awkward for me.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd probably ignore it. At this point it sounds like the rantings of a bitter older lady and you're not going to change how ro what she thinks.

"Oh really" is probaby a good response...then change the subject.

 

[mrsklamc]

I'd probably ignore it. At this point it sounds like the rantings of a bitter older lady and you're not going to change how ro what she thinks.

"Oh really" is probaby a good response...then change the subject.

I kinda figured. She just keeps SAYING it and I wish I had some kind of clue what she's looking for in response. Oh well.

 

[Imzadi]

Let's start from, how do you WANT to respond?

Do you want her to stop? You say she does eventually because she can't stand your silence.

Do you want her to know you don't agree?

Do you want her to know, no, your marriage is nothing like her's was?

Is the comment about your uncle what's bothering you? that it is NOT his fault?

Are you hoping to change her opinion? To see the thruth at this late stage in life, that her marriage was a failure because of a lot of things she did & didn't do, that it was not your uncle?

Do you think it's going to help anything if she does realize the way it really was? Ot will this just hurt her, this late in life?

What is the OUTCOME you want? Then we can help with a response to her.

I kinda figured. She just keeps SAYING it and I wish I had some kind of clue what she's looking for in response. Oh well.

How about just asking? "Grandma, you keep saying that. What do you want me to say?"

 

[We_Love_Disney]

Why not "Grandma, how is similar? Tell me how perfect it was? Do you really thing DH and I have a perfect marriage?"

Having a disabled child seems to have taken the wind out of Grandma's sails and left her bitter for what might have been. I wonder if her feeling that way has left her feeling little bit guilty. Maybe she thinks that you have that chance that she thinks was whisked away in the blink of an eye.

 

[mrsklamc]

I'm under no illusion that I'm going to change her mind about anything. She will straight up lie to avoid admitting she was ever wrong about anything in her entire life.

It's just an odd thing to say, I guess, and I wish there was a kind way to point out to her what a bizarre statement that is. For me, the two things are completely unrelated. But, given her personality, you guys are reinforcing what I guess I already knew- nothing to do but ignore it/change the subject. Otherwise it will turn in to a variation of this conversation we had when last we talked:

Grandma: First she said she was going to dinner with her dad for lunch on Sunday, and NOW it's dinner on Saturday. She's always lying.
Me:Maybe her plans just changed, and she didn't feel the need to tell us.
Grandma: (an aside to my aunt, about me, in a staged whisper.) People say the most hateful things.

 

[Imzadi]

Okay, you just need a hug , a stiff drink , and maybe a Valium when you are with her.

 

[handinpocket]

You think she POSSIBLY turned down a C-section but really have no idea. Kay. Just ignore her if she bothers you that badly, don't make stuff up.

 

[mrsklamc]

You think she POSSIBLY turned down a C-section but really have no idea. Kay. Just ignore her if she bothers you that badly, don't make stuff up.

It's called speculating, based on her personality, and I made no assertion that it was anything else. 'Making stuff up,' would be saying that IS what happened. Not really the point of the post, so I'm not sure what the point of your response is.Quite frankly, this is an internet message board, and I will relay the story as I choose as long as I don't violate the TOS of the board. If you do not care for it you can move on.

 

[LuvOrlando]

My 2 cents, from what you've said I feel more pity for her than anything else. If you are correct and that she made a decision which cost her son his health that must be a heavy burden to bear. If your poor Grandpa let her dump it on him rather than let her shoulder the blame alone I would trust his decision and let that mess slide. I also think the marriage comments are more of a clue about her jealousy over your happiness then anything else. To have a special needs child today is hard, I can't imagine how hard it must have been ages ago before #1, the population became accepting of our differences and #2, before the schools ect were equipped to help with medical care and other forms of assistance. Add all those stresses to those she must have added by taking constant shots at your Grandfather and I'm sure the woman's life was very hard. I would suspect she wants her struggles to be acknowledged. Maybe when she says stuff like that you could overlook the hostility and leave an opening for her. Maybe she wants to hear she did a good job, did the best she could? Maybe you could ask what she would have done differently? What sort of life she was hoping for when she was a young girl? At least that's how I would approach it. Of course, there is the distinct possibility she just wants to lash out so be prepared for that, old habits die hard. Still, on the off chance she just wants/needs a friend to HEAR her I would certainly try offer my ear at least once even if it means risking getting it chewed off.

 

[mrsklamc]

I would suspect she wants her struggles to be acknowledged. Maybe when she says stuff like that you could overlook the hostility and leave an opening for her. Maybe she wants to hear she did a good job, did the best she could? Maybe you could ask what she would have done differently? What sort of life she was hoping for when she was a young girl? At least that's how I would approach it. Of course, there is the distinct possibility she just wants to lash out so be prepared for that, old habits die hard. Still, on the off chance she just wants/needs a friend to HEAR her I would certainly try offer my ear at least once even if it means risking getting it chewed off.

Thanks! That's very wise. I'm really not hostile towards her I just find the statement very awkward.

 

[NMAmy]

Grandpa passed away 2 years ago, and Grandma has taken to saying to me "Your marriage is so much like me and Grandpa's. Our marriage would have been perfect if your uncle hadn't been crippled."

I think I'd want to know WHY she thought that. Perhaps she's remembering an early time in their marriage. It is awkward but it's obvious that she's trying to tell you something and, if it were me, I'd want to know what it was she was trying to get across to you.

I grew up with an extremely difficult grandmother so I understand the frustration. But even difficult old ladies were once young brides and new mothers. My guess is that she wasn't always bitter and maybe that is what she is referencing. Perhaps seeing you and your DH together helps her to remember an earlier, happier time in her life.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'll try to make a long and complicated story short but here it goes;

By all accounts my grandmother was a fairly nice person early in life, other than having some trouble with the way grandpa (her husband) doted on my mom (oldest dd.)

Grandma and Grandpa's youngest child, my uncle, was born with cerebral palsy, which for years Grandma blamed on my Grandpa having her drive a farm truck a short distance while she was pregnant. When my DSister and D-SIL started having babies grandma railed against c-sections and how the baby had to go through the birth canal for their brain to develop properly and all sorts of nonsense. In ALL situations my grandma has a need to not have done anything remotely wrong, and her reaction to the C-Section issue makes me think that possibly it was suggested for my uncle and she refused, and needs desperately to believe that he wouldn't have been fine if she had consented (the cord was around his neck.) Whatever the cause, since that time, grandma has become a bitter, controlling, angry person.

Grandpa passed away 2 years ago, and Grandma has taken to saying to me "Your marriage is so much like me and Grandpa's. Our marriage would have been perfect if your uncle hadn't been crippled." Well, first of all, she was yelling at him constantly for one thing or another that he hadn't done to her liking, he just had the patience of a saint, he'd apologize and go 'work' in the barn for hours. And secondly, she expects me to SAY something in response to this. I have no idea what. I've tried "Oh, really?" or something equally noncommittal, I've tried not saying anything which eventually she can't stand and goes on to some other topic. The phrase just bugs me a lot, for one thing, and I don't know what it is she's looking for me to say, for another. There are some pretty eloquent DISer's out there so I thought someone might have a suggestion as she says it EVERY time I talk to her and it's just really awkward for me.

I would treat it as a statement of fact, whether true or untrue, it is her "truth" or whatever, just kind of set that aside.

Since she says it a lot, I am going to lean towards using the same canned answers that are non committal. Unless you feel like comparing your marriage to hers, which does not sound pleasant to me.

Now you can throw her off with a comment, like "I don't believe in perfection" but that will lead to a discussion or debate. I suggest to you continue with what you are doing so you do not have to discuss the topic at hand since you feel awkward with the subject.

 

[snykymom]

How about, "Thanks, Grandma. I'm glad you had such a happy marriage, and I'm glad I have a happy one, too." Or, "Yes, DH and I are pretty happy. Thanks for your good wishes."

Non-committal, not debatable. She can go on with her thoughts, or not.

 

[Ceila]

How about, "Thanks, Grandma. I'm glad you had such a happy marriage, and I'm glad I have a happy one, too." Or, "Yes, DH and I are pretty happy. Thanks for your good wishes."

Non-committal, not debatable. She can go on with her thoughts, or not.

I would probably go with something like this, even if I didn't truly believe it myself. Clearly she does. Or, you could mention a nice memory you have of your grandfather or of both of them together. Like others said, she may come back with bitterness, but maybe she is trying to make an opening to talk about her life. Give it a shot, and if it backfires go back to something like "Oh, really? That's nice."