Another "would this bother you" question...

[lillygator]

wow, that would not be happening in my house, esp after asking him to stop and he said no.....yikes, this sounds like it won't be ending well.

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

Has your friend ask the best friend if he is okay with her husband talking so much to his wife?

 

[Skywalker]

Yea, well that is a recipe for disaster. Let us know of he talks to her on your outing. If he does, then my eyebrows would be raised.

You nailed it. The movie last week was pretty much a disaster. When we arrived at the theatre to meet them he was off in a corner on the phone. He said to go on in and he would meet us. He NEVER came inside.

When DH's best friend was first going through his divorce and DH was spending all of his free time talking with him, my MIL told DH "don't let the ruin of his marriage take your marriage down too". Sounds like advice your friend's husband could use.

I will tell my husband to tell him this.

Has your friend ask the best friend if he is okay with her husband talking so much to his wife?

No, husband has not spoken to the friend since the problems began. He said he doesn't care what the friend thinks because friend was a jerk to the wife.


Anyway, obviously the problem is much bigger now. My friend has asked him several times to knock off the calls and he still says no, says he won't not because he is doing something wrong but because my friend is being unreasonable.

My friend is frustrated but does not want to do anything drastic because she said she would feel like a fool if she let her marriage go bad over this. I told her if HE is willing to let their marriage go bad over this, then what does it say??

I know the woman and my first thought was no way was she the type to start or even allow something to go on with a married man, but my opinion has now changed. At some point you have to KNOW things are inappropriate.

Our other friend (the ones who wants to pay the woman a "friendly visit" (lol) has offered to basically follow him because she thinks they are probably having some in person contact too, but that is just speculation. I said no need to make it even more than it is.

Anyway, thanks again. I feel bad now posting about this but she does know I posted for opinions and I hate to see threads left hanging, lol.

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

No, husband has not spoken to the friend since the problems began. He said he doesn't care what the friend thinks because friend was a jerk to the wife.

Well, that says it all doesn't it? The husband chose the friend's wife over the friend. If the friend was such a jerk, is the husband really trying to help them patch things up?

No judging from me. Who knows when I may live in a glass house. Tell your friend I wish her all the best.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

OP - I am so sad for you friend. I do not think this is going to end well.

If I were in the same situation, I would demand that DH entered counseling with me to try and save the marriage.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You nailed it. The movie last week was pretty much a disaster. When we arrived at the theatre to meet them he was off in a corner on the phone. He said to go on in and he would meet us. He NEVER came inside.

Oh snap...I am good. That would be an affair. Give your friend a hug.

 

[ead79]

Oh goodness. Yes, it would definitely bother me if my husband talked to another woman on the phone every night for hours. I just think it's setting the stage for inappropriate emotions to lead to inappropriate behaviors.

And what he did at the movie theater is not a good sign at all, in my opinion. My guess is that the guy feels like he is the lady's "knight in shining armor," which in turn makes him feel good about himself. This is a dangerous thing, if you ask me. I would encourage the couple to seek counseling so someone can help the guy see that these phone calls really are wrong.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Skywalker:
I did not read this whole thread but your friend needs to put her foot down and tell her husband that he has helped her enough. Its time for her to find an adequate counselor. This is a disaster waiting to happen. The first thing people say when they have an affair is "he's/she's just a friend". Don't let them be friends like this. Her husband is emotionally bonding with this woman. Does she want that? She's a big girl and can find her own counselor.

When a woman gets betrayed by her husband, the first thing she needs to know is if other men find her attractive. Its a very desperate feeling, for a desperate situation.

 

[Scurvy]

In light of your update, I definitely think your friend's marriage is in trouble. Whether her husband is actually having an affair or not doesn't matter. Either way, he is neglecting his wife in favor of this other woman. I hope they are able to work through this!

 

[Hillbeans]

I just truly do not get people - it's plain obvious that this blooming friendship is the most important thing in this guys life yet he expects his wife to just go along with it. I honestly think some people think everyone around them is just plain stupid.This woman should be ashamed of herself for carrying on and betraying her friend and breaking up a 2nd marriage.

 

[lillygator]

wow - what he did at the movies was so inappropriate....if he wants to talk to her for hours a night, find some other home to do it in.

 

[jobhunter]

Haven't read all the replies yet but at the very least, this is an emotional affair. Her husband is investing time, energy, and affection into a male/female relationship OUTSIDE of his marriage. These are finite resources. Your friend needs to put her foot down.

I believe most married people (not counting chronic philanderers) do not set out to speak to someone looking for an affair. Affairs are a series of bad, intentional choices (have a hard time calling them mistakes) that move you further and further down the slippery slope of rationalizations and justifications.

He needs to make the choice to do the right thing. Doesn't sound like he wants to. Your friend has really got to confront this thing.

Speaking from experience, the formerly cool wife who didn't get jealous, trusted her husband and saw a similar scenario go down right under my nose.

"We're just friends."

If they are 'just friends' and his wife tells him this is damaging his own marriage, it should be easy for him to just walk away RIGHT NOW.

My bet is that won't happen.

ETA: Just saw that he won't quit talking to her. Mine wouldn't either. An emotional affair then went physical, I moved out and filed for divorce.

Your friend is in serious denial here. This is NOT a friendship. Please get her the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and suggest she go by survivinginfidelity.com and post her story there. Please, someone needs to get through to her and they can.

 

[sbell111]

You know, you could just let them deal with their own marriage issues and butt out.

 

[tasha99]

If I were the wife, I would try to get that stopped in any way possible. Putting her foot down may not work as well as a heart to heart talk with her husband about why it hurts her. This may all be innocent to start with, but it could turn into something more. I know it's easy to demonize the woman and husband who are talking, but they could be the nicest people in the world and if they're meeting needs in each other that haven't been met by their respective spouses, odds are they'll keep gravitating toward each other.

 

[jobhunter]

Sounds like she has already tried the heart to heart talk.

There is nothing innocent about a friendship that a spouse tells another that it makes them uncomfortable and the other says, 'too bad how it makes YOU feel, it will hurt this other person if I turn away.'

In essence, he is prioritizing the feelings of this other woman over those of his own wife. Black and white, no matter how he/we/anyone else spins it, there it is.

She asked him to stop, she certainly doesn't sound like an alarmist or a jealous, irrational person, and he said NO.

 

[Heidict]

I had an older male friend tell me once that no way should men and women be "comforting" each other in these situations because the man always gets to feeling like a a hero over helping a damsel in distress and the woman always gets to feeling like this is the kind and sensitive type of guy she ought to have.

Smart friend. I think he about hit the nail on the head. That is an excellent way of explaining why it's not a good idea.

In my house, this would not fly. Likewise, my DH wouldn't go for my talking to a male friend for hours every night either.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

The problem itself doesn't bother me but I would pretty much demand that DH and the other woman talk IN PERSON while I am present... no exceptions. I am all for helping people, she is obviously in a crummy situation and she felt DH was a great person to discuss this with.

But like I said, I would certainly have to be there also... this would take place at my house and they would not be alone. I could be in the kitchen or something while they were in the living room but I wouldn't completely say no. If anything she could find me a comfort and begin talking to me more than DH.

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

You know, you could just let them deal with their own marriage issues and butt out.

But that would be sensible thing to do. And unfortunately, most of us are not sensible creatures.