Another "would this bother you" question...

[kafitty]

depends on their relationship before this, i think. If they have always been good friends, then i really would not be too concerned - i have quite a few male friends that i turn to when i am upset (though certainly not for that length of time) and i would be less than thrilled if their woman was mad because i needed their friendship in my time of need.

I can't think of one man I know that would be willing to spend this much time on the phone providing a listening ear for any friend, male or female.

of course...this is also true.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

If I may quote the great Eric Clapton:

Tried to give you consolation

When your old man had let you down

Like a fool, I fell in love with you

Turned my whole world upside down


My husband should not be another woman's confidant.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

HOURS on the phone each night sounds kind of crazy. if it were like 15 minutes here and there i don't think it would be a problem.

my experience is, anytime something like that doesn't feel right to you, it's not. tell her to trust her instincts and tell her husband that it's not gonna happen anymore and that she needs to find someone else to talk to for hours at a time about her problems.

 

[mickeyfan1]

Nope, wouldn't bother me at all.

 

[Darsa]

Would definitely bother me, and I definitely think that it's inappropriate. I sure's heck wouldn't talk to another man on the phone for hours, and I wouldn't expect DH to do that, either.

 

[wdwfan16]

I would not be too worried since he does it in front of you. But I would have a problem with the amount of time spent on the phone each night with a friend male or female.

 

[2binak]

Heck, it bothered me when DH was spending hours every night on the phone with his male best friend during the break-up of his marriage. We both work full time and have a toddler. I felt that he was putting his friend first and his family second. I told DH he had to limit it to a call or two a week. I also told him that if his friend needed that much time to vent, grief, cry, etc., he needed to talk to a professional.

 

[C.Ann]

At best, it's inappropriate..

 

[tennvalgirl]

I agree with the other poster who said that no man likes to spend hours on the phone with a female without wanting/expecting something in return.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Just wanted to clarify a couple of things...this has happened so far for three nights (in case anyone was picturing weeks or something).

Also I guess my reaction depends on the people involved too. I know the husband and this "other woman" and to me I don't think she is the type that would try to start up anything so I may give more leeway...although if it was my husband I don't know if I could be that generous, lol.

Why do you think she has selected this man to confide in? Were they close before?

Both of them obviously feel comfortable with each other so it is a precarious situation.

 

[Skywalker]

Just thanking everyone for chiming in.

I did mention some of these replies to her, because I was starting to think I gave not the most popular advice by kind of "under-reacting".

As an update, the calls have continued. She did ask her husband to put an end to them because it was making her uncomfortable and he said...No!

He said he could not do that because that would be mean...she needs a friend...no one else knows her husband as well him so she can only talk to him...



They're going to the movies with my husband and me tonight so I guess he'll have to tear himself away.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, I would say he probably doesn't value his own marriage as much as he should.

If something I was doing with another man who was a friend was bothering my DH, I'd curtail the activity. Even if the activity was innocent, I'd curtail it, because it is upsetting to my DH and there is nothing more important to me than my marriage. Now, I might also want to "delve" a bit with my DH and find out why he found the activity so distressing, but I would still curtail it. Of course, this is based on my marriage and having a DH who doesn't ask me to stop every relationship I have nor has he ever attempted to control me, my friendships or my life, for that matter. So, if something were bothering him enough for him to ask that of me, it would be big.

And I would expect the same couretsy from him, because I in no way attempt to control him either and I have the utmost trust in him, so he would know that if I said "Honey, this is really bothering me, you spending so much time with Susie" that it would be really bothering me, because I wouldn't say that lightly. I am pretty confident he would respect me and our relationship enough to take me seriously.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Just thanking everyone for chiming in.

I did mention some of these replies to her, because I was starting to think I gave not the most popular advice by kind of "under-reacting".

As an update, the calls have continued. She did ask her husband to put an end to them because it was making her uncomfortable and he said...No!

He said he could not do that because that would be mean...she needs a friend...no one else knows her husband as well him so she can only talk to him...



They're going to the movies with my husband and me tonight so I guess he'll have to tear himself away.

Yea, well that is a recipe for disaster. Let us know of he talks to her on your outing. If he does, then my eyebrows would be raised.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

What she needs is a counselor, not someone else's husband. This is a disaster in the making...

 

[Bluestars]

His reaction to his wife's request for the calls to stop is very telling. I guess he made his choice. That would not fly in my marriage.

 

[Minniemama350]

Not OK.

 

[2binak]

When DH's best friend was first going through his divorce and DH was spending all of his free time talking with him, my MIL told DH "don't let the ruin of his marriage take your marriage down too". Sounds like advice your friend's husband could use.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

If he won't stop even when he knows it makes his wife upset then there clearly is more going on here than just crying on his shoulder. Any man who has enough respect for his family would know it was not appropriate and would never even encourage this behavior. He shouldn't even have to be told to cut it out. Just because it is his BFF's wife means nothing. If anything he should stay out of it since it is his BFF. He shouldn't be comiserating with the wife.

 

[momof1princess]

Just thanking everyone for chiming in.

I did mention some of these replies to her, because I was starting to think I gave not the most popular advice by kind of "under-reacting".

As an update, the calls have continued. She did ask her husband to put an end to them because it was making her uncomfortable and he said...No!

He said he could not do that because that would be mean...she needs a friend...no one else knows her husband as well him so she can only talk to him...



They're going to the movies with my husband and me tonight so I guess he'll have to tear himself away.

mmm...no...that would NOT fly in my house. if DH didn't put an end to it, i would. that sounds VERY suspicious to me. maybe i'm suspicious by nature, because my dad is a serial cheater, but that's MHO.

 

[tzolkin]

I know several people have said that they would have no issue if their spouse spent hours talking to a close friend of the opposite sex, but this woman is not his friend--she's his friend's wife.

That is completely different to me. By talking to this woman, his friendship with the husband is going to be over. (maybe he doesn't care) If my friend talked to my spouse for hours about our marital problems I would have a huge issue with that. Does the friend know they've been talking about him for hours? Is this man smart enough to not say something he'll later regret while trying to comfort this woman?


DH has a female best friend who was also my best friend in HS. I would have no issue with my DH being "some one to talk to" for her and know there could never be anything more between them. Even if there's nothing going on, I would still be annoyed if he was neglecting our family to spend hours on the phone with her each night.