Angelrose's Journey

[Angelrose]

Today was a strange day. I don't really know how I feel. I didn't cry today. I just feel tired. I didn't sleep well last night but I did take a nap this afternoon for about an hour. Chuck called and told me he will pick me up tomorrow morning to get the car. It will be nice to have the car again.

The man who called is legitimate. He is from the firm that we have our accounts with. Chuck always goes by Ronald when he is doing business. But it did take me back for a second.

I have been thinking about going to grief counseling, but I guess I am just not ready to do that yet. Karen's grandmom told me that I could come to her and talk if I want to. She lost her husband a couple of years ago. I think I may do that sometime soon. She was so kind to me at the viewing. She told me I was strong and I would get through this. I don't know how strong I am, but I looked into her eyes and I believed her. It's just that I can't seem to talk about Ron without crying. She will understand.

I don't remember if I said THANK YOU to all of you for posting on Ron's funeral website. I printed them all out and I read through them every day. It has helped me a lot and gives me comfort. As does the thread. You are all so wonderful to me. Here's a hug to all of you.

 

[sunnyday123]

back to you.

Just know that you had more in your short time with Ron than most people have in a lifetime, and while it will never be enough for you, it will really be over. You will still have the wonderful memories you both made.

When my Grandfather passed away, my Grandmother started talking to the Pastor that did his service. The only time my Grandmother ever stepped foot into a church was for a wedding or a funeral. He gave her alot of peace, and answered alot of questions for her that no one else could. He was with her when she died, and we all took great comfort in that.
She had talked to him about what she wanted at her service, and her last words were, "Keep it short, stupid."

Find someone, anyone, just to listen when you're ready.

 

[Angelrose]

I was cutting up an onion slice for my salad today and you know what comes next. I cut my finger. But not like a normal person would do. I cut right through the middle of the nail right to the skin. I put some antiseptic and a bandaid on. All I could think of was Ron telling me to be careful with that knife. I guess I will have to wait until the nail grows out.

Yesterday I didn't cry at all. I was just sad. Today I went out to get some things. I forgot my list because Ron wasn't there to remind to to take it. I did get everything but the light bulbs. I even found a couple of nightgowns on sale and got them. I couldn't wait to get home. It used to be such fun going shopping with Ron. Everything used to be fun with Ron. I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of my life. I enjoy being with the kids and my grandson, but at the end of the day, I have to go home to an empty house.

I watched Grease tonight because it's a happy movie. But then I thought of how happy and in love we were and I started to cry. I keep trying to be strong. It's just that sometimes I'm not strong. I'm afraid one day I will start crying and won't be able to stop. Memories right now are too painful. I know that someday they will bring me peace, but not right now.

 

[minnie56]

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time..I cannot imagine. I pray that every day gets a little easier..

 

[wvdisluv2]

Hugs and Prayers for you tonight (and always) Angelrose~take care of yourself~

 

[Angelrose]

Thanks minnie56 and wvdisluv2. I hate to sound so down all the time. But this is my only outlet. I know in time I will be able to deal with this better.

 

[chell]

Don't worry about sounding down. You will get happy again. You will not cry forever. You cry as long as you need to. One day the tears will slow down. One day the gap between the tears will get longer. The next day they will get even longer. The gaps will grow. It will take time.

My finger hurts for you right now too! Think about how raw and painful your finger is where you hurt it. It will take time to heal. But if you have to keep using it, just like emotions and your brain and time to sit and think, it will take longer to heal. You could have cut it just the right way where when you move your finger or hand you bust the cut open just enough where it bleeds a little every day. Some days it bleeds a lot, some days little. Does this make any sense? I'm trying to compare the cut to your heart and feelings. I know I'm not good with words. I go on way too long. It takes time, lots and lots of time to heal your emotions and especially your heart.

Do you have a pet? I can't remember you talking about a pet. How do you feel about pets? I think it would be good for you to consider finding a companion. It might do you some good to come home to "someone" and not an empty house. It was always comforting to me to have "someone" waiting for me when I got home when I first started living on my own. As I was reading about you coming in from shopping I was thinking it may be a huge help for you to have a great furry friend waiting when you arrive home.

Glad to hear the financial guy was legitimate. Sorry that I worry so much. It's a bad habit of mine.

 

[wvdisluv2]

Don't worry about sounding down. You will get happy again. You will not cry forever. You cry as long as you need to. One day the tears will slow down. One day the gap between the tears will get longer. The next day they will get even longer. The gaps will grow. It will take time.

My finger hurts for you right now too! Think about how raw and painful your finger is where you hurt it. It will take time to heal. But if you have to keep using it, just like emotions and your brain and time to sit and think, it will take longer to heal. You could have cut it just the right way where when you move your finger or hand you bust the cut open just enough where it bleeds a little every day. Some days it bleeds a lot, some days little. Does this make any sense? I'm trying to compare the cut to your heart and feelings. I know I'm not good with words. I go on way too long. It takes time, lots and lots of time to heal your emotions and especially your heart.

Do you have a pet? I can't remember you talking about a pet. How do you feel about pets? I think it would be good for you to consider finding a companion. It might do you some good to come home to "someone" and not an empty house. It was always comforting to me to have "someone" waiting for me when I got home when I first started living on my own. As I was reading about you coming in from shopping I was thinking it may be a huge help for you to have a great furry friend waiting when you arrive home.

Glad to hear the financial guy was legitimate. Sorry that I worry so much. It's a bad habit of mine.

I agree with everything Michelle has said here (what a great way with words you have Michelle) Hang in there Angelrose, we all love to hear from you and are here for you~I'm a worrier too Please don't be afraid to post and let us know how you are doing/feeling~we all care about you

 

[chell]

I agree with everything Michelle has said here (what a great way with words you have Michelle) Hang in there Angelrose, we all love to hear from you and are here for you~I'm a worrier too Please don't be afraid to post and let us know how you are doing/feeling~we all care about you

Glad you understand my rambling. Yes, we are all here for you!

 

[ma2jr]

My heart goes out to you




.

 

[Stac1023]

Angelrose remember we are your Dis family and we want to know how you are doing? We all are praying for you.

It broke my heart to read Ron had passed, I cried and wished I could be there to give you and big hug. We will always be here for you and I know I am looking forward to reading about you getting out, laughing and smiling.

You hang in there.

Stac

 

[Liberty Belle]

AngelRose, I'm thinking of you and sending you warmth. You are such a strong woman and you're doing just great.

 

[Angelrose]

Thank you Michelle, you always know the right thing to say to make me feel better.

I am glad my DIS family isn't tired of hearing me whine. I love you all and appreciate all your support and prayers.

Today was a busy day. This morning I spent with Karen at the bank and then at home getting a budget I can live with and other financial things settled. What would I do without her and Chuck? We were finally done around 1:30 or so and I remembered I wanted to go to Hallmark and get some Christmas ornaments. So Karen said the Chuck and Jesse were going to the mall to get haircuts, so I just went along with them. Oh Jesse was very brave getting his haircut. He only cried a little bit and didn't squire too much. That could possibly be because I was making funny faces at him to make him laugh. The man who cuts their hair, is one Chuck has been going to since he was a little boy. Well, he went to his father and then when the father retired he went to the son. Now it has been YEARS since George saw me and yet he knew me immediately. He said he always told Chuck to remember him to me. Now isn't that sweet? While we were at the hair place, I remembered one more ornament that I wanted to get, so I got up to leave, and Jesse cried. AWWWWW that made me feel better. I finally got home around 5. I had a good day. We all talked about our trip to Disney and that always gives me something to look forward to. I know there will be tough moments there, but I think I will have a wonderful time watching it through Jesse's eyes.

I think I will have an easy heart tonight.

 

[Rebelmom67]

Just sending you a hug.

 

[minniecarousel]

Hi, Angelrose! I was away for a few days so didn't see your newest posts. I just want to echo what others have said: come to this thread anytime. We'll read it and offer encouragement, or just a shoulder.

Hang in there.

 

[chell]

You are welcome. You have a special place in my heart and I worry about you and care about you. I want to make you feel better. What do you think about a pet? I absolutely LOVE mine. They are my babies.

Glad to hear you had a good day. Did you buy any Disney ornaments? It's great the guy remembered you even after not seeing you for a while.

Friday afternoon I got my hair cut too. I probably lost 25 lbs getting so much hair cut off. I went from just past shoulder length hair that was all one length all around to hair that is a maximum of 3 inches long. The hairdresser asked if I was sure I wasn't going to cry. I told her I was sure. Even though I'm very thankful for having all this hair I had to have it cut short right now because I'm staying too hot. Thinking of your grandson made me think to tell you this for some reason. Next time if I get it all cut off and I want to cry I can ask you to come hold my hand.

 

[Angelrose]

You know I always thought that if I was alone I would get a toy poodle or a Maltese. But realistically, I can't afford any pets. Even if I could, I couldn't take care of it properly. I can't go out in the heat and humidity to take it for a walk. Since I use a cane, I really couldn't handle a leash either. So I will have to remain with just my beanie pets for comfort.

I did get one Disney ornament. It's Mickey with kisses from Minnie. It just reminded me of Ron and I. We always said we were Mickey and Minnie. Always and Forever.

I did my grocery shopping this morning and then I came home and watched tv all day. It keeps my mind off of things. I watch movies and some Britcoms and CSI Miami. Lots of different things to keep me occupied. Tomorrow I have to bring a copy of Ron's will to the bank and then I will cook up some corn on the cob that I got today. Think I will call my cousin and see if she will be home so I can get a swim in.

I'm glad that you got your hair cut shorter. You will love it. Mine is very short. I love it that way. So easy to take care of and COOOOOOL. I can't stand anything hanging on my neck. I am getting my hair cut and colored August 1st. Then I counted back to when we are going to DW and it worked out to be every 6 weeks. So when I go I will tell her to make those appointments until the end of the year.

Karen suggested that she would like to make Sunday, family dinner day. They usually do their shopping on Sunday afternoon and I could come along and then have dinner at their home. Doesn't that sound wonderful? I could spend time with Jesse too. He loves Matchbook cars. Today at the grocery store I found a package of ten that I will give him one at a time. I also bought a single one, because I liked it. LOL That brings me back to when Chuck was small. I used to buy them and then hide them to give him for being a good boy or as a special treat. History repeats.

 

[Buckalew11]

Anglerose, I had no idea your husband had passed away. I just saw your name as the last to post to this thread and so I looked. I am so very, very sorry. I feel terrible to not checking in. I just thought there wasn't an update and never opened it. Please forgive me.

I am very sorry about Ron's death. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. I watched my mom lose my dad and my MIL lose my FIl and it is very hard. I hope God will comfort you in your darkest moments. Many hugs.

 

[Angelrose]

Of course I forgive you. How sweet of you to come back and for the prayers. It is very hard to deal with. I'm not sure how well I'm dealing with it. Some days are good and others are very bad. I try to focus on going to DW with the kids this December. My sweetheart won't be there to enjoy it with me. But I know his spirit will be there. Everyday is just something to get through. I know it will take a lot of time before I can look back at the wonderful memories without crying.

 

[chell]

It sounds like you have had a pretty good day today. How do you feel about cats? You don't have to walk them. You just have to empty the litter box. Maybe you could sweet talk your kids into helping you buy one of the automatic litter boxes. And your son could refill it when he comes over. I'm telling you my pets were a lifesaver for me when I was at my lowest point.

I bet the ornament is beautiful! You will have to post pictures of it once you get it on your tree this year for all of us to see. Did you and Ron ever go to DisneyLand?

My head feels so light. Today was the first time I have washed my hair since the cut and I just used a tiny drop of shampoo. We had an open house at one of our facilities for work and it was one of the men I work with who noticed the hair cut. That stuck me as funny. He noticed it as soon as he saw me. What color will you be getting you hair done?

Family dinner day on Sunday is a wonderful idea. Karen sounds so wonderful! That pack of cars is also a wonderful idea. You are a great grandmother. Don't put them up somewhere and forget about them. I've bought things for my nephews to give them when they are over here and forget about them. I find them months later so the boys finally get them.

Speaking of hair earlier - when you go to WDW will you and your grandson be getting your hair cut at the barbershop on Main Street? Sorry if I have already asked you this. I think it will be so much fun to do. We are taking the nephews to do this. I'm already excited about it.

I hope you have a wonderful week!