An awkward thing...

[nkjzmom]

My brother and his fiancee' just broke up after 6 years. To give you a little comparison, my husband & I have only been together 9 years (married 8) and we have children ages 7,5,3,1. Now this girl had become a sister to me. She had many different views than I or the rest of the family had...but to each his own, I supposed. She has been there just minutes/hours after the birth of my 5,3,1 year olds and was such a huge part of their lives as Aunt **** (to protect the innocent)

Here's my ? Right after the break up she moved a little south of us and we didn't see her for a few months. Now she's back and living with a new guy at my brother's old place...and working as the photo manager at Wal-mart...and we're there all the time. The kids love to see her and I must admit that I was really sad and really missed her for awhile. But my brother is still hurting and angry and won't go anywhere close to where he might bump into her (I don't blame him). I am totally supportive of my brother and if he asked me not to talk to her I would probably let her know that and honor his wishes. He hasn't done that and probably won't though, knowing the kids would feel really bad. I don't make a point of going to visit her like we used to but if the kids see her they'll want to go visit...they still ask why she doesn't come over anymore.

I guess I am asking for advice....how civil do I have to be? What happens in divorces???? I've never dealt with a divorce so I'm not sure what the "etiquette" is, if there is any. Do I drop her like a hot potato in the middle of an August heat wave in Central Alabama???? Or what???? The kids really love seeing her. I thought they'd cool it but now that she's back at Wal-mart, there's no hope.

Help!!

Awkward in Alabama

 

[Chuck S]

If she enjoys seeing the kids there's really no reason to avoid her. You didn't break up with her. Divorce/breakups are almost always a case of he said/she said. I understand your brother feeling uncomfortable around her, but unless he specifically asks YOU to avoid her, I don't see a problem. Just be sure you and the kids avoid the subject of the breakup, and don't talk to one party about the other.

 

[shortbun]

Shop Target! My sister divorced her husband several
years ago. Our brother worked with him and remained
friends. The rest of us really missed him. Slowly, he and
our brother rested their friendship to just pals at work.
If you make subtle changes in your shopping habits,
your brother's ex will soon be just someone to wave
at in Walmart. Sorry you lost a friend.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I see nothing wrong with chatting her up when you see her at Wal Mart. At the same token I wouldn't go out of my way to visit.
I think that is a good compromise.

 

[Saffron]

I wouldn't change anything about the relationship you have with her, unless it causes too much pain for your brother. Your relationship and the relationship your children have with her are separate from the relationship that your brother had with her. If your relationship causes pain or discomfort for your brother, then that would be a different story; for me it would anyway, maybe not for others. Divorces or break ups are difficult on all involved. If you want to continue a relationship with her, and the children want to see her, I see nothing wrong with it.

 

[ripleysmom]

I am still very good friends with an ex-boyfriend's family.

If you like her keep in touch. I'm sure you love your brother but this woman is your friend.

 

[Keli]

Personally, I wouldn't do anything about the relationship one way or the other. It's been my experience that if you don't work to keep a friendship alive that it will slowly cool down on it's own and that's what I would let it do. I'd talk to her everytime I happened to run into her at walmart, I'd let the kids visit her when they asked but I wouldn't make any special efforts to see her. The one thing I absolutely would not do at all is talk to her about your brother (that might really upset him). A close friendship with her would entail just too much awkwardness for me (JMO though, I know others may feel differently).

 

[nkjzmom]

Thanks everyone....you've all expressed thoughts/feelings that I've had. I wish I could shop @ Target....it's 30 minutes away.

My husband will hardly talk to her. He's not rude but just wasn't that impressed with her anyway and it doesn't bother him at all that they're not together. I will say that they were kind of going nowhere in their lives when they were together. She had no desire to go to college and that is BIG in my family. So, my brother didn't really care to go either and they were both happy just working at Domino's (not putting that job down...but when you're 26, want a family, house, etc. you can't drive as a full time job). She had started wanting to drink more and we don't drink at all...so that was a big problem. Plus her family is so weird we could barely imagine what raising children would have been like for them. It's like a huge soap opera at their house. I know that things work out for the best. Thank goodness they weren't married yet and didn't have any children. But, get this, now she wants to have a baby with this new guy....but says "We're too young to get married though." CRAZY

I know things will cool off...they usually do but everytime the kids see her it starts all over again.

 

[nkjzmom]

Just as an aside....I've read alot on this list about prayers and blessings. I really in my heart feel like this was something close to divine intervention.

The reason they hadn't gotten married yet was that my brother was waiting for a kidney transplant. He was put on the list just before they got engaged. It's been 4 years. The average is 2. They planned to get married as soon as he got a kidney and felt better. Well....they broke up in the spring....in mid-June my husband and I decided that I should be tested (I always knew I would get tested but my Mom wanted me to wait until I was done having children...so as soon as we decided we were done and I had stopped nursing our youngest, I went). I am a PERFECT match. Just at Jeremy's lowest point, here came this blessing. It's almost like he wouldn't have "found" his kidney until she was gone....she wasn't the ONE for him. It may sound crazy but that's how I see it.

We may possibly be doing the transplant the first week of Dec. So please keep us in your prayers....I've seen many wonderful and uplifting things come from all the people here!! I'll keep everyone up to date.

Amy in AL

 

[Serena]

I'm glad to hear the good news.


I wouldn't change your relationship with her. Kids need all the love they can get, even if she isn't quite in the family any more.

Our family may be strange, but once you're in it, you're in it. Divorced or not, you are invited to family stuff, you are expected to call or stop by, to keep in touch. They are always welcome. I guess I'm part of that now.
Everyone is civil, at the very least.

 

[browneyes]

My brother and my sil had at one time talked about divorcing. I'm real close to my sil. She has told me several times she couldn't divorce my brother, mostly because she loved him, but also because she felt like she would be divorcing me, too. I told her as long as she was ok with being around me, I'd be around regardless if they were together or not. I'm friends with her because of who she is, not because she's married to my brother (they've been together for 13 1/2 years, been married for 8 years). I told her as long as it doesn't bother her to be around me and she didn't pump me for info on my brother, I'd be around. And I mean it. I told my brother that too. Luckily they didn't divorce (atleast not yet).

My uncle got divorced a few years ago. His current dw is not the friendliest or nicest person I've ever met (it didn't help my opinion of her when she did a few things to upset my mom ). His ex dw is very sweet. I stay in contact with his ex more than I stay in contact with him and his current dw.

BTW, how far north in Alabama are you? I have LOTS of family in NE Alabama.