Am I overreacting?

[Cantw8]

Holy crap. You let your SON play with Minnie Mouse? Is it pink?

J/K....You did not overreact. I had the same problem when my kids were younger. Now that they are in their teens, the in-laws can't afford to spoil them and now is when I wish they would

 

[septbride2002]

MY SIL has the same problem. Whenever the kids go to her in-laws they always come back with attitude for a few days. Suddenly they can't get dressed on their own, or they throw tantrums over not being able to eat what they want (typically candy). I've told her to talk to them and she won't. What I think is REALLY bad is that my FIL (her father) brings a new toy every single time he sees him. It is to the point that when he walks in the room my nephew says, "Hi Grandpa, do you have a present for me?" I think that is horrible. My DH and I have both told his father that he is not to do that when we have children.

~Amanda

 

[RitaZ.]

Hitting mom~ Definitely NOT ok!
Grandma rocking him after he threw a tantrum for doing time-out for hitting mom~Definitely NOT ok!
Uncle butting in~ Not ok!

Please, don't take this the wrong way... Where was your DH during all this?

 

[gradtchr]

I tend to spoil my nephew when I see him, I guess I should probably not do that as much.

 

[snoopy]

I don't think you are overreacting at all. And I think you are wise to nip this in the bud asap.

 

[Aidensmom]

DH and I discussed this tonight, after Aiden threw one of the infamous tantrums he always does on the day after returning from his grandmother's when I told him to do something, and DH agreed to tell his mother that any toys bought for Aiden (besides birthday and Christmas) need to remain at her house for him to play with there. DH also said he didn't realize at the time that his mother went and picked up Aiden when I put him in time out, but will ask her to please refrain from interfering in our discipline in the future. He hasn't had the conversation with her yet, so we'll see how it goes.

Thanks for all of your opinions.

 

[RitaZ.]

Good! Hopefully, his family will be more receptive if the comments come from him. Good luck!

 

[MinnieM3]

I wish my parents/DH's parents would/would have "spoiled' our kids a little more. I wouldn't have minded one bit! BUT taken to the extreme, as your MIL sounds like too much. And I'd have a fit if they tried to usurp my authority.

 

[Buckalew11]

Luvmydogs - Aiden is getting to that point too where he just "expects" things. I think that is why it bothers me so much.

I guess I know I need to talk to them, but it is hard to do. Perhaps I can get DH to do it.

I've been there and still am in some ways. I have always "put my foot down" with my ILs about this kind of thing. It seems to go in MILs ear and out the other sometimes. I have a very supportive DH who isn't afraid to stand up and speak up for how we want our DD brought up. I hope your DH will do it to. I think it will sound better coming from him to his family--plus they'll know you are a united front.

I quoted your first sentence above because I remember watching my now 23yo nephew (the only other grandchild) run to Grandma when she came home from a shopping trip (he was probably 4 or 5). he met her at the door and I thought he was going to help her in. Nope. He said, "What'd you bring me?"
I knew right then if I married into this wonderful family that I didn't want my child to ever say that. Not the child's fault. Ah, but his mom never cared and now he is 23 and still spoiled!

When I think of all the $ wasted on "stuff" that DD will need for college, I cringe. I know buying some stuff/toys is fun from grandparents but geez... when your grandchild's parents need to add on to their house, it is time to stop!

Sometimes I think it is a competition for her to buy the most for DD. You know, showing love by giving gifts. And food...same goes for food--"you want candy for breakfast? OK!!" No, no. Don't even think about it!

I'll just tell you, my dad's parents never bought me anything. I can't remember one toy, one piece of clothing that they ever bought me (I'm sure they did for Christmas but I don't remember anything specific). But they loved me and spent a lot of time with me. Sure, I think my pop-pop would have allowed me to take a bath in ice cream if I had asked him, but, well, they just showed that love w/o so much of the giving of stuff.

I believe you can love a child without giving them gifts constantly. And surprise! The child will even love you back!!

Sorry, Aidensmom, a hot topic for me. And I promise I am taking notes on things I will and will not do as a grandmother some day!

 

[Amy&Dan]

I don't think you're overreacting at all. The best part of this thread is that you and your husband are on the same wavelength and that its not causing problems with the two of you. I know my in laws spoil my kids with gifts but not in an extreme way. What they do that drives me nuts is question my judgement and decision making. Telling the kids they shouldn't play the games they play or watch movies other than documentaries and Harry Potter. Taking it upon themselves to tell my kids that the particular political party dh and I belong to is wrong. It confuses and upsets my kids. I think any kind of intereference from people who are not the parents is just wrong. Stay tough and don't back down!

 

[justhat]

My mom is pretty similar. She buys Madison tons of toys everywhere she goes. Everytime she sees my mom there's a new toy. We live in a very tiny condo so I have requested no more toys, but of course there's always a new toy waiting for her. So then I said what another poster said "Mom, instead of wasting money on getting her 2 and 3 of the same type of toy, put the money away for her college fund." Her response was "It's a parent's job to send their kids to college, not a grandparent's, so if I want to buy her toys with my money, even if it's a duplicate, then it's my waste." And that is true. It is her money, so if she wants to spend it buying my daughter everything she sees, fine. We now have to keep toys at my mom's house cause we simply have no room here anymore (exceptions are made for toys she really loves). She's one of those people who think that since she doesn't see her granddaughter often that she needs to buy her lots of things when she does so that she'll like her. Thing is, I'm completely against that and also know that Madison loves my mom despite rarely seeing her (everyday she asks me where Daddy and Nana are). But if that's what makes my mom feel good then who am I to ruin it? It's just toys after all.

Discipline, however, my mom usually doesn't meddle with. There are some things that I'll say no to and my mom will say "oh let her do/have it" and I remind her not to contradict me in front of Madison no matter how stupid my rule may seem. She's been pretty good about that, but I know she doesn't understand why I do certain things and she still thinks if I did things 'her way' that my life would be much easier. Maybe so, but I think I know Madison pretty well (my mom lives out of state) and I think I adjust to her needs and work with her personality as best as possible so I sorta let what my mom says go unless it's a big issue.

In your case, I'd let the toys go. If it makes them happy to buy their grandson things, then let them do it. The contradicting your discipline though I'd address. Simply tell MIL how hard it is on your son, how confusing it is for him to hear one thing from you then have her contradict it. He doesn't know who to listen to or why and that's very stressful on him. Hopefully she'll listen to that advice and make things easier on everyone.

 

[halestrm]

Well, let me start by saying I was an only child, an only grandchild and an only great-grandchild for 10 years. Ya wanna talk spoiled....

Even though I was required to write a Thank You note for each and every gift (even if great-grandma gave me 5 gifts, it was 5 tyou notes), I thought is was a small price to pay for what I got.

At about 6, my mom decided that if I had one already, one went to the orphanage. Now as an adult, she expained why this policy went into effect. I was spoiled. The first time I held my breathe threating to kill myself, she said enough, family is important but children are critical.

From then on, I had to choose which one version of the toy I wanted. 2 months out before my I made a list of what I wanted, but had to keep it under 15 items. As soon as I wanted to add the 16th, I had to cross something off.

Once a month, we purged toys until everything fit the toybox.

You are right!

The person I most respect is my mother. She taught me that gifts are gifts! She also taught me that love can never be bought with gifts. Thank you universe. These lessons taught me what is important. My DD5 can't wait for Grandma to come, not because she comes bearing gifts, but because she comes bearing enough imagination for 20 children.

Good luck!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Lot's of good replies here!

I wouldn't have made any fuss about a simple toy sword...

But, I Sooooo agree with the OP, and I do not think that she is overreacting at all!!! My guess is that the toy sword was the tiny straw that broke the camels back. It was not wise to make a big deal out of it with her 4 year old... But, hey, tiny mistake... things happen!

I think that we sometimes forget just how MUCH it means to grandma to be able to buy things to indulge her grandkid(s)!!! I mean, really, to tell Grandma that she simply can not buy any toys????? I used to love to occasionally buy things for my neices and nephews!

But, yes, the the big BUT.... I do know that this is sometimes a VERY serious problem!!! Here is one of my examples... DH asked his parents if they would help buy DS an expensive battery-powered ATV for Christmas.... and they agreed. But, this means that I do not even get to have the experience and joy of seeing my sons face lite up when he sees it under the tree and hops on it on Christmas morning!!!! We let Santa leave it at Grandma and Grandpa's house, and they didn't even bring it inside and put a big bow on it or anything... Just threw a dirty old tarp over it in their garage...

Now, DH has already made the mistake of mentioning a new bike for DS for Christmas this year, to his parents. If Grandma and Grandpa, (who are complete control freaks who have openly opposed my parental authority) think for ONE second that they are going to be the ones to have a big shiny new bike under THEIR tree on Christmas morning, and to basicly rob me and my DS of our experience..... Then they are very seriously mistaken!!!

So, ITA with Aidensmom!!!!

Gifts are one thing... But competitive, controlling, undermining of parental wishes, and over indulgent giving, are just plain WRONG.

 

[va32h]

No, I don't think you are overreacting. What your MIL did was to show your son that she doesn't mind him hitting you. Coupled with the argument over the toys, the groundwork is laid for a lifelong scenario in which child pits mother against grandmother.

Just because the child is only 4 right now, doesn't mean he can't sense these things. My MIL and I have never really gotten along, and my kids have always been able to tell.