Am I in the wrong

[Indy's Girl]

So here is my situation.(sorry this is going to probably be long)

I am having a wedding in my home town, and have asked 2 of my cousins to be my bridesmaids. I asked them months ago and felt that I have always been clear that it would be there responsibility to pay for their dress. Both are younger (20 and 15) so I knew pricing may be an issue for them but was upfront about price range I was looking into the whole time. Both said not a problem, and I knew that their parents would probably help them out. If they had not been able to afford it we would have tried to figure something out but since my fiance and I are on an extremely tight budget as it is we were glad nothing was going to be an issue. 3 weeks ago I finally got around to going to pick out dresses. Thsi I found was cutting it close to my date (July 7th) but the lady at David's bridal was able to help me find a dress in the range I had told the girls that could get here about 2 weeks before the wedding. Great! My 3rd bridesmaid (friend from college) ordered hers, and I called my cousins who live in a different state to give them the situation.

I gave them 2 options, one they could go into any David's near them and try on order the dress, or two they could call my David's and place their order over the phone by giving their measurements. I told them to do this asap and please let me know when they did as we were really pushing the wedding date anyway. First of all, I ended up leaving messages and it took both of them a WEEK to respond. Finally the older one called and said that there were no David's near her, and her paretns were going to help pay for the dress so could I please call and place the order (using my credit card) and she would have her paretns send me a check immediately. I agreed to this ONLY because I know her paretns will be on top of this, and I understood that she was not living at home and had no credit card to place the order herself. Still no word from the younger cousin.

Finally, on Saturday I come home to a message from my aunt (mom of the 15 yo) saying that they went into a David's but didn't like the saleslady so didn't order. At this point I ma getting angry as it has been over a week since I called them (and at this point the dresses wouldn't arrive until the week befoer the wedding) and then they decide to jepordize the chance of getting the dress over something petty (and I know it was petty as this aunt is very nit picky and petty herself). The message then goes on to say "you should just call and place the order for us and we will TRY to pay you back in JULY when we see you. Hello! I would be putting it on my credit card and paying interest and you will "try" to pay me back? That doesn't work for me, especailly because I know they have the money.

I left a message with them saying that it would be much better if they could just call my David's and place the order (notice I am never getting to actually talk to them). They then send me an e-mail saying they would really prefer it if I placed the order. I finally responded to this saying "no, that does not work for me and here is why" and asked them to please let me know when they placed the order. It has been 2 days and no response. At this point I am wondering if she will even be able to get the dress in time.

Am I wrong to not place the order for them? I feel like it is unfair for them to expect me to do this as I have been upfront abotu the cost this whole time and they are puttin unneeded stress on me. Also, I am really upset that they would take so long to communicate with me and jepordize being able to get the dress in time. What would you do? I think I may need to call tonight again. If she doesn't get the dress should I still have her in the wedding? ARGH!

Sorry I know this rambled FOREVER but I am stressing about it. Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[BellyBaby]

Wow, that sucks. Which aunt is this? Could you get your parent on board with trying to sort this out? (Sibling to sibling might carry more weight, vs. you trying to deal with your Aunt.) I would maybe just lay it down and say, "this is the date the dresses need to be ordered by, and later than that, it won't be here in time. Can't put it on your credit card (say it's maxed out, you ARE paying for a wedding after all, VS. one stinkin' dress). If they have any questions, call back. If they drop out, they drop out. Then they get to explain why the niece is not in the wedding party anymore. Everyone else on the planet knows its her responsibility to get the dress. You did all you could. You'd be surprised how often this happens. Good luck.

 

[shaylih]

You are not being unreasonable AT ALL. You are being perfectly patient. I’m freaking out at my sister for wanting a black dress instead of brown and my wedding isn’t even for another 9 months! If she pulled something like this on me so close to the ordering date I’d flip. It’s completely inconsiderate of the parents to ask you to make the order. You have a ton of expenses right now and can’t be racking up credit card charges for other people. Too bad if they don’t like the saleslady, it’s freaking David’s Bridal, she can’t be getting too much of a commission off of a bridesmaid dress. They need to suck it up. Sorry if I sound harsh, but you definitely have a right to be mad. Bridesmaids are supposed to help you and make sure everything goes smoothly, not cause you more stress. If they don’t order the dresses in time, I’d tell them they can’t be in the wedding anymore.

 

[TheLastPrincess]

I am getting married next week, and I have had to deal with my own mishaps, so I feel I am slightly qualified to answer your question.

I am all about being the Anti-Bridezilla. I have dealt with my fair share of Bridezilla in the past, and I swore I never would be that kind of bride. So for the past 9 months or so that I've been engaged, I've tried to be sweet as apple pie.

That being said, it sounds like you did the right thing by saying that you can't pay for the bridesmaid dresses (and by no means does David's Bridal have outrageously expensive dresses, anyway!). It is SUCH a pain to deal with younger members of the wedding party, and even worse when you have to deal with their parents. For them to ask YOU to pay for the dresses is very insensitive. You are probably paying for other necessary wedding-related things, and should be spared any further burden.

There is nothing wrong with telling them this, either. They should already know this anyway. Don't feel bad if they can't be in the wedding because they can't keep up their end of the deal. By all means, stress the importance of them getting the dress NOW. But if they kick and scream, perhaps you could say, "Since this is such a financial burden for you, I would hate to put any more pressure on you. Perhaps it would be easier if you just attended the wedding as a special guest, that way you can get your own nice dress in your own time frame."

It has been my experience that members of the wedding party who make issues for you NOW will most definitely make issues for you LATER, all the way leading up to the day of the wedding. Perhaps it would be better if they weren't your bridesmaids so you can spare yourself the hassle.

But please, please please - be gracious, kind, and generous. Like a Disney Princess.

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

Family drama is the WORST kind of drama!!!!

I dont think your outta line at all.

just grab the bull by the horns & drag him down.....call them & see what the deal is & if they havent ordered the dress yet, Id tell them that she can no longer be in the wedding & find someone else.

Bridezillas freak out over nothing......you sound like you have been more the patient with all this....theres no reason why you couldnt do what you have to do to get this done.....look at all these prof. women out there on tv.....if it aint getting done, they take control get it done at any cost....its not that they are the big "B" word...its just they expected something, were told it was gonna get done & when it wasnt , they enforced rightful assertivness

Dont feel bad about taking control.....some people need that smoke up their.....well you know what i mean.

good luck...were here for you

 

[AbbyPan]

There is nothing wrong with telling them this, either. They should already know this anyway. Don't feel bad if they can't be in the wedding because they can't keep up their end of the deal. By all means, stress the importance of them getting the dress NOW. But if they kick and scream, perhaps you could say, "Since this is such a financial burden for you, I would hate to put any more pressure on you. Perhaps it would be easier if you just attended the wedding as a special guest, that way you can get your own nice dress in your own time frame."

But please, please please - be gracious, kind, and generous. Like a Disney Princess.

I could not agree more with this! If this seems as if its going to be an issue then let them off the hook in the kindest way possible and save yourself the extra misery.

This isn't exactly the same situation, but my best friend was supposed to come out in my wedding but now can't because her fiance cheated on her -ugh, I know- anyway, since I had already signed my contract, i couldn't change my date.
She also reassured me that she would still be there for my day. Well, long story short, she's not going to my wedding after all, and I am determined to be gracious about it and just allow it. I really want to enjoy my day and respect her privacy, no matter how hurt I may feel.

You should be determined to enjoy your day as well. If they don't want to cooperate, don't sweat it. You're going to be a beautiful bride no matter what!

 

[jasonandlisa]

Don't feel bad if they can't be in the wedding because they can't keep up their end of the deal. By all means, stress the importance of them getting the dress NOW. But if they kick and scream, perhaps you could say, "Since this is such a financial burden for you, I would hate to put any more pressure on you. Perhaps it would be easier if you just attended the wedding as a special guest, that way you can get your own nice dress in your own time frame."

It has been my experience that members of the wedding party who make issues for you NOW will most definitely make issues for you LATER, all the way leading up to the day of the wedding. Perhaps it would be better if they weren't your bridesmaids so you can spare yourself the hassle.

But please, please please - be gracious, kind, and generous. Like a Disney Princess.

I agree completely with this advice!! Telling your niece (as sweetly as possible) that if she can't get the dress, then she won't be able to be a bridesmaid is perfectly reasonable. It's not a threat or an ultimatum. It's just the reality of the situation. It's just like normal guests and the RSVP deadline. If they don't respond in time to let you know they're coming, there simply might not be a seat for them at the reception. You're not the one being rude or unreasonable. It's just basic good manners.

 

[Indy's Girl]

Thanks for all the responses! It made me feel so much better just hearing that I am not being a bridezilla, family can have a way of making you feel like it is all your fault! I feel much better now, and will just call tonight and say if the dress isn't ordered by x time it will not arrive on time and so she will not be able to be in the wedding, and just let it roll off my back either way. Thanks again!

 

[Lynn5700]

Bottom Line..If she doesn't get the dress then oh well she can't be in the wedding. You were nice enough about it,everyone in the world knows that they buy their own dress,and I'm pretty sure that you Aunt knew it is her responsibility to buy the dress for her 15 year old daughter.

Family is sometimes, I hate to say it, the worse to deal with when it comes to anything about the wedding.

 

[AbbyPan]

Family is sometimes, I hate to say it, the worse to deal with when it comes to anything about the wedding.

Lynn, that is too true. My aunt threatened me saying that if I didn't invite her son's gf that she would not come to my wedding.
I'm like "what?!??! I don't even know the girl and they just started dating!"

When I told her this, she said "weddings and funerals should be treated the same way. You would be wrong not to include her".
Needless to say, I had to change my cousins invite to include both of them.

Well, that's family for you!

 

[Lynn5700]

How old is your Aunt's son?

Anyway she can't tell you who to invite and who not to. I see this way,if they have been dating a long time and are very serious then that's ok but not if they just started dating and you don't even know the girl.

 

[Lynn5700]

It would have been nice if she asked you but not demand you invite his gf.

 

[AbbyPan]

I think my cousin turned 27 this year.

The way my aunt put it was like "you know, your cousin would really like to introduce his gf at your wedding. They are planning to go and really excited about it".

Can you guess my thought's? when I explained how i felt, she was not a happy camper and I quickly turned into the bad guy. So I had to give in to keep the peace. (In The Disney Princess spirit of course )

The funny thing is that they are the ones who still have not returned their RSVP's.

Oh well...

 

[girli565]

Well, I will give you the other side of a story like this. My friend was a massive bridezilla, horribly so, but we all just went along with it. There were many extra expenses like hair and makeup ($50), which looked horrible and I could have done better myself, a bachelorette party out of town that they didn't even provide transportation for (another $150), the bridal shower which we had to pay for ($60 for both me and my bf)... plus on top of all that I had to buy gifts, fo rthe shower and the wedding... and buy the bridesmaid dress.

In total including the dress and gifts I spent over $500 just because I agreed to be a bridesmaid. When initially I was only told we needed to buy the dress, which I was fine with. Then all the extras came in, every month before the wedding it was something new. "Oh, I want all your hair and makeup to be the same" bam more money. "Oh, my sister planned the bachelorette party at Disney so we can go to pleasure island but you have to figure out how to get there yourself" bam more money.

So yes, I understand your problem and sympathize but you also have to look at their side of it. They are coming in from out of town for the wedding, correct? they have to purchase the dress which I'm sure is in the $100 range. Mine was $150 + tax, then of course you need shoes to go with the dress. It's an expense that in the end really makes only one person happy, the bride.

And I must tell you that things like this ruin relationships. My friend and I are no longer as close as we were and really all the girls who walked her wedding have a strained relationship with her.

maybe it's just worth it to save the relationship and just tell her that she doesn't have to walk your wedding. Save everyone added problems on a day that should be happy for everyone!!

 

[Lynn5700]

I think that we all understand that our bridal party is paying to travel to our weddings in Disney,so that is why I am not going to make my girls pay out their butts for everything. The only things my girls will pay for is the dress and I told them to get whatever shoes they wanted,I could care less if they are ten dollars from payless. Jewelery I will be buying for them.

One of my friends who is in the wedding is a hairdresser and so am I so of course I am not going to make the girls pay to get hair done,I only have 4 girls and my jbm who is my little cousin so it will not be a problem doing each others hair. I do have Anna from Beaute Special coming to do our makeup,but my one friend is doing her own makeup and so is my sister,no big deal they like to do it themselves. I will not make people pay for a service if they do not want it.
Almost every bridesmaid knows it is their responsibility to buy their own attire to be in the wedding,if you don't like it or don't want to pay for it then don't be in the wedding. If one of my friends could not do it or not want to do it I would understand and get over it,I wouldn't want something so silly to ruin my friendship with them.

 

[Tabetha]

Just wanted to chime in and say good luck with the family to the OP... It's pretty amazing that people are putting more jobs on you, when you've obviously got enough to deal with. I'm giving a thumbs up to telling them your credit card is maxed out...

Your aunt probably doesn't want to deal with long distance charges, or something... boo to that. What if the dress comes in the wrong size and you wouldn't find out till you got together at Disney or something? Too late! She should suck it up and go talk to the manager at her local Davids.

Holy moly!

Again, good luck.

(see, this is why I'm not having bridesmaids... just my sis as MOH, and she can wear whatever she wants!)

 

[girli565]

The OP said that this wedding is in her hometown. So really the only people traveling are those coming in from outside her hometown. The OP is not having the ceremony at disney.

But I do agree with the above poster when she said to tell them your card is maxed out. Oh well!!!

 

[Tabetha]

Gah, me read bad...

 

[girli565]

Gah, me read bad...

I usually do to. My eyes just like some words more than others, lol

 

[Indy's Girl]

I totally agree that if I was throwing expenses at her right and left she would have the right to be upset, but the only thing I am asking the girls to pay for is their dresses. I told them they can wear whatever shoes etc. they want (I am going to get necklaces/jewelery for them), and since my wedding is in a grassy garden I said they could go barefoot for all I care! I think really this is just a case of my aunt trying to control things, since my cousin is 15 she really can't control the events. At this poitn I am having my dad (my aunt's brother) call and talk to them so it is adult to adult instead of niece to aunt, and just let them know that they can order or they can choose to just come to the wedding and we will be fine with that either way. Who knew weddings could bring out the worst in people (brides and family alike)

AbbyPan- I totally sympathize. We just got a call like that as well, of the "oh, we invited so and so to come along so please add them to your guest list, I am sure there will be room. Not like the numbers count, no one will notice" variety. (almost the exact words ) I agree that we just have to grin and bear it, because it is not worth feeding the drama, it's easier sometimes to add the extra place setting!