Am I dysfunctional?

[Neapolitan Ice Cream]

So.

A little while back I was dating this girl. Wonderful personality, warm, funny, soulful. But after a few months, I came to the realisation that I just wasn't attracted to her. Terrible to say, I know. It dawned on me that I would have to break things off and quick, before she got too hurt... after all, I couldn't remain in a one way relationship. But then one day she announced that the long distance aspect of the relationship was just too much, and we should just call it a day. I was actually glad - she'd done the dirty for me! But lately I've been missing her. I looked her up on Facebook (creepy, right?) and just seeing her reminded me that I just wasn't attracted to her, but that she was after all a lovely person.

So. I miss her. But I'm not really attracted to her. And I'm not in a position to hurt her.

Mess, right!

 

[C&Jx2]

It’s okay to just like and appreciate someone for their companionship even if you aren’t attracted to them. I think its normal. But I also think setting her loose to find someone who IS was the best thing you could have done for her.

 

[fla4fun]

Sounds like she might have been a good friend instead of a girlfriend, and it’s the friendship you miss now and then. That’s better than either of you having hard feelings.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Not at all, I have met a lot of kindred spirits that wanted to go in the wrong direction who I wish I could have kept as friends. I remember reading about how in other languages there are words for different kinds of deep affection but in American English we call it all love, which is very disorienting. Maybe since she pulled the plug you can salvage it if you say it nicely.

 

[ronandannette]

Not at all, I have met a lot of kindred spirits that wanted to go in the wrong direction who I wish I could have kept as friends. I remember reading about how in other languages there are words for different kinds of deep affection but in American English we call it all love, which is very disorienting. Maybe since she pulled the plug you can salvage it if you say it nicely.

OP has already said he doesn't find her attractive and to me, that means he would never sustain the relationship long-term, even if he got her back. She, on the other hand, apparently didn't make any offer to "stay friends". Time to just move on @Neapolitan Ice Cream.

 

[disykat]

I think most of us have had that experience of caring for someone, but they're just not "the one." Best case scenario is when both people are in the same place on that so you were fortunate! I always kind of envy people who are able to keep in contact and stay friends, but that's just not reality for most people. Much too awkward.

 

[fly girl]

I don't think you are a mess. It wasn't meant to be for more reasons that one.

But, you obviously enjoyed her company. It is the rapport and friendship you miss. It is pretty common to like a person but not be attracted to them physically. Since the last thing you want to do is hurt her, I think reminiscing on what a lovely connection you had is your best bet. You're a good friend and person by letting it go. (hard though when you miss someone)

 

[neverlandsky]

You're human. People come into your life for a reason, or for a season, or for a lifetime.

 

[Neapolitan Ice Cream]

Thanks for the kind words guys, you've really helped put my mind at ease

 

[DLgal]

Can't you just be friends?

 

[Neapolitan Ice Cream]

Can't you just be friends?

I would love that

But she's severed all ties with me. I think it's a desire to start a new life or something. I hold no ill against her.

 

[sam_gordon]

To answer the question posed, I'd say "yes". But it has nothing to do with what you wrote.

 

[MamaMermaid]

Not dysfunctional... attraction is super important!

 

[Cheburashka]

Mess, right!

Stay away from the girl from now on. Don't contact her. As long as you leave her alone (no "let's be friends" which could lead her on), you can feel however you want to feel and it doesn't make any difference. But getting involved with her in any way would be wrong in this situation. Lucky for you that she called it off so you wouldn't have to. Just let her go with no contact so she can get on with her life.

 

[bsmcneil]

I very much get the OP and agree with so many of the previous posts (I disagree with the no contact thing - I think if you're clear about where you are, you could have a good friendship if you both wanted). Clarity is the key (when you're able to name your feelings - sometimes things shift or are murky and that's okay as long as you can communicate about what's going on). For some people, it's hard to navigate (personally, I am really good friends with people with whom I went on a date or a couple of dates and one or both of us thought - eh, this isn't quite working romantically but I still really value you as a person and friend). I also think that there are some weird gender and heteronormative things wrapped up in the whole "can we be friends" thing for some folks.

Music is subjective - so you may not like the style - but as I read your post, I thought about this song that came out a few months ago (Ben Platt, "I wanna love you but I don't"). It really resonated with me (I stayed in a relationship for a very long time, even as I knew from the outset it had no long-term future because I felt like I had to make it work because it just seemed so right on paper). For some people, that makes sense and works. For some people, there's the sense that a partner ought to be more than "fine" (I'm thinking of a recent scene in Ted Lasso where someone says their friend deserves more than "fine" or something similar). I try to stay away from hard and fast rules because we all need different things. But I will say that finding chemistry with someone is difficult because it's often intangible and swayed by things like our emotions and timing.

And, finally, it may not be what's going on (I suspect not because you didn't say, for instance, that you've not been attracted to anyone) but in general, your post made me want to mention that there are lots of people who identify as aromantic and/or asexual.

 

[bsmcneil]

I would love that

But she's severed all ties with me. I think it's a desire to start a new life or something. I hold no ill against her.

Ah, I missed this. OK, then, yeah - closure can be hard but it does make sense to pull an Elsa here.

 

[smokeyblue]

You got dumped. Your pride is hurt. You're trying to justify your worth by repeatedly stating how unattractive she is to you and that you were going to dump her anyway. Some self-reflection is necessary to move on.