Am I callous and unfeeling?

[mickeyboat]

My grandmother is dying. She was sent to a hospice room at her nursing home today, and is not expected to live more than a couple of weeks. I am in VT, she is in MN, and my family and I visited her this summer when she got to meet my kids for the first time. Since we knew it wouldn't be too much longer, I said what I needed to say, and came to terms with the end being near. I talked to her on the phone yesterday, and she has all her wits about her, but her body is old, (she is 95) and she is ready to go to heaven.

My father is beside himself. He is AZ, and plans to visit her next week to say his final good-byes. He cries every time I talk to him.

I feel sadness, but not an overwhelming sadness. The other night I really thought about all the memories I have of her over the years, and what a special person she is. It actually made me happy, not sad to think of her, and made me appreciate more what a great life she helped to give me.

Maybe it hasn't really hit me yet. Maybe I am in denial. Maybe I have really come to terms with it and can accept it with peace. Maybe I am just a callous and unfeeling person.

Has anyone else ever experienced feelings like this?

Denae

 

[tiggersmom2]

Everybody handles death differently....there is no "right" way. There is no way I think you are callous and unfeeling.

 

[FreshTressa]

Not at all.

I feel the same way sometimes when an elderly person dies. It is sad, of course, and I don't want to lose them, but I am at peace with the death and celebrate the happy life they led.

Premature death always gets me though.

 

[crazy4disney01]

Everyone feels differently when a loved one is in that situation. I felt the same way when my grandfather was in a nursing home and I knew he was dying. I was sad but I didn't let him know it. It is hard to know how you will feel until the time comes and they are no longer here. I'm sure you will feel many different emotions, but what carries you through is remembering all the good times. No one will ever take her place and all the good times is what she would want you to remember and take with you always.

hugs to you!!!

 

[BelleBoo&AmisMum]

You're not callous and unfeeling.

DH's grandmother passed away a week and a half ago. She was 99 and had finally had enough, to top it off she wasn't the nicest of women. We were all relieved. Apparently a few even said so at the funeral, were they upset, sure, but she'd had a good run and it was time to go.

 

[Liberty Belle]

You're in no way callous and unfeeling. It sounds like you have a good grip on your emotions and truly love and appreciate your grandmother.

You may feel differently after she passes, so be prepared, if that happens. My thoughts are with you; grandparents are very special people and I'm sure she'll be missed.

 

[SC Minnie]

You are not callous and unfeeling.

When my grandfather died it was also a sense of relief. He had been living with alzhiemers for several years and toward the end didn't really know who he was much less anything else around him or remember how to do the most basic of task like eating with a fork.

 

[hlbtimes2]

Not at all.

I feel the same way sometimes when an elderly person dies. It is sad, of course, and I don't want to lose them, but I am at peace with the death and celebrate the happy life they led.

Premature death always gets me though.

Yep, what she said.

A couple years ago I had to attend a funeral for my elderly, ill, stepgrandmother. She was a great woman, and had out lived two husbands. When I got home from the funeral I found out that a friends 18 year old dd was killed and the funeral was the following day. It was so much more difficult to go to that young girls funeral- and I hardly knew her. It was just so sad that her life was cut so short.

 

[Frantasmic]

Since your father is having a difficult time with this, perhaps talking with him and helping him through his grief is what you need to do.

If he is giving you a problem about not feeling the same way he is, it is different to lose a parent vs. a grandparent.

 

[Clotho]

You could be me writing about my Grandmother dying over a year ago. It was sad, and difficult to see her in those last couple months (her mind had gone, she was on pain meds, couldn't talk really...so fragile and out of it), but overall, her passing was a chance to remember her life, not linger on h er death.

It was MUCH harder when my Dad dies--a suicide no less. I will forever be affected by that, and still have teary moments now 4 years later. I never had a good cry about my grandmother, but I balwed a lot over my Dad and as I said, still sometimes cry over him.

All deaths affect us differently, as others have already said...

 

[kejoda]

I don't think your callous or unfeeling at all. Your Dad is having a hard time cause its his Mom and I don't think you can every really prepare yourself to losing a parent. Just be there to listen or to even hold his hand. He will get through it.

 

[Disney Doll]

No, I think you are realistic. You know your Grandmother is not happy in the condition she is in, you know she knows you love her, you have said what you have to say, you know shr is "ready" to go.

There are worse things than dying.

 

[bananiem]

You are not callous or unfeeling. You have said what you wanted to say. She's probably at peace with dying, which in turn comforts you.
My aunt died 1 1/2 years ago. I was able to visit her a couple of times and tell her what she meant to me. She was at peace with the end too. I did cry when she died but I am forever grateful I got to say everything.

 

[Micca]

People who are callous and unfeeling wouldn't even give it a second thought. Hang in there.

 

[ChrizJen]

No, you're not alone. I am in the same boat.

I have a Granmother (my mom's mom) who has been battling with breast cancer for a good portion of the past 10 years. She's been in and out of remission. But about 16 months ago, they found the cancer cells in her stomach. She was on and off with the chemo and radiation, until it just wore her poor body down and they stopped. Now she is in an assisted living facility with daily hospice care. She also has Alzheimers, which actually turned out to be a blessing for a while because she didn't realize she had cancer, so she really responded well at first to the treatments. But now the cancer is in her liver, and there's probably not a whole lot of time left. Fortunately I'm not too far from her, so I'm able to visit at least once a week.
But I'm having less thoughts of sadness, and more thoughts like "She's going to be so much better off when she goes. She'll have her memory back, she'll be without constant pain..." etc, etc...

I was beginning to feel guilty as well, like I was un-caring and cold. But I like the way you put it...It's like instead of looking at the death of a person, you celebrate her life!
Thank you for posting, and no, you're not alone in the way you're feeling.
-Christal

 

[Buckalew11]

Not only does everyone handle death differently, all deaths are different.

When my grandfather died I was heartbroken. He was old--83. I miss him every day and will be thrilled to see again one day! My heart just hurts when I think of him and missing him so.
FF to January when his wife, my Nana died. She was 91 and ready. Nothing wrong with her excpet she was old, worn-out and ready to die. I was very sad when she died but not heartbroken like when PopPop died. However, I miss her presence everyday. She was not the sweetest of grannies, lol, but she was an every present, supportive woman who loved me and I truly miss her. It has been very weird because it is such a different type of grief than when my grandfather died.

Hugs to you as you prepare yourself for her death. I hope she passes with as little pain as possible.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

I don't think you are callous and unfeeling.

DH's Grandpa had gone into a hospice early this year because he had cancer and because of his Alzheimer's, was getting combative with the nurses. DH didn't want to see his Grandpa so sick and he decided not to go visit him. He said that he'd rather remember Grandpa the way he had been the last time we saw him a couple of years ago when the boys were wee.

TOV

 

[goofinoff]

People who are callous and unfeeling wouldn't even give it a second thought. Hang in there.

ditto!!!

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

everybody is different.

 

[Cantw8]

No, I do not think that. Your posts indicate that you are a very nice person, everyone handles stress differently.....don't doubt yourself