Am I being too strict with DD7? Suggestions needed (long)

[rkrivas]

My DD7 has a bad habit of doing sneaky things, mostly with food -- for example, she eats food in her room and hides the wrappers and inevitably gets busted.
Last night, my DH found tons of candy wrappers, an opened pretzel bag, popcorn bags and some juice boxes behind her bed while vacuuming. She went to bed early with many tears. Because of this issue, she's not permitted to eat in her room.

Not even 12 hours have passed and she was eating fruit snacks in her room! I don't necessarily have a problem with the food, it's more the sneaking that bothers me -- I'm having visions of sneaking when she's a teenager.

Grounding hasn't stopped this habit, so for the next couple of days, she's banned from her room except for sleeping. I'm not sure what else to do to stop the sneaking -- she has the misguided philosophy that if she thinks we're going to say no, then she should try to do it without asking. Has anyone else had similar issues and did anything work? Thanks!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Does Food seem to be the big 'sneaky' thing?

It is the only thing you have mentioned so far.

 

[faith]

By any chance has weight become an issue? Is she supposed to be cutting out snacks? Hard for a seven year old...seems like the world wants us all a size two as adults. If that's the case maybe just another talk with her about healthy choices would make her feel like she doesn't have to hide the food wrappers. Popcorn and pretzels seem like good choices though.

 

[mickeyminnie]

I would be worried about what is driving her to need the food and want to hide it, does she have a distorted body image? Is she hungry but doesn't eat at meals. I think that when you do something like this and try to hide it there is more going on than just being sneaky, there is a reason she doesn't want you to know. You need to reopen that communication. I would worry more about that than punishment for being sneaky or eating in her room

Try buying a bunch of healthy snacks that can sit out. Put them in a bowl out in the open and let her have them for a while. Get rid of anything snacky that isn't in that bowl, nothing hidden in the cupboards that she has to sneak out of the cupboards. Give her permission to have 1 or 2 or whatever between meals and then don't say anything when she does.


Another thing you can do is have her make the snacks a big deal, get together and really make something, like pbj crackers, or some such thing that take effort and thought, not just mindlessly stuffing something in her mouth.

You should also discuss why she feels like she needs these snacks and why she feels like she can't ask you.

 

[Sleepy]

Is the issue WHERE she eats? If she were to be eating more healthy options like maybe carrot sticks or fruit, would it still be a problem? I just trying to figure out what about her actions you consider a problem.

 

[rkrivas]

It's the primary sneaky thing, but she also will take things that don't belong to her like my makeup or she'll do something after I specifically tell her not to. My primary concern/motivator is that I want to stop the sneaking before it becomes more prevalent and before it leads to bigger things as she gets older.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am re-reading your OP, and you did mention 'mostly with food'.

I think parents should be very very careful about making food any kind of control issue.

I am hoping to hear a few more details!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I see your post came thru as I was typing!

 

[barkley]

around our house we tell them "if you have to sneak, then you are feeling guilty about what you are doing, if you are feeling guilty then you know it's probably not the right thing to do"-it get's old but it has finaly sunk into them.

if it's just food-we've banned it from being eaten any place but in the kitchen (dining room on mom designated family occasions)-and since i can hear the fridge open (don't oil those hinges ) and have the snacks in a designated cabinet i can see from several vantage points-it's pretty hard to get by the rules.

if it's other stuff-and it's centered around using her bedroom, have you considered a "no doors closed" policy-this has worked for us on occasions, and i've known some parents to go so far as to remove the bedroom door "privacy is a privledge not a right".

 

[rkrivas]

Thanks for everyone's replies so far.

I think the hiding may be that she realizes that she's done something wrong and doesn't want to get in trouble -- she'll hide other non-food things in her room, like dirty underwear. We've talked about not being afraid to tell us things and how hiding things makes things tougher in the long run, but she hates to disappoint or get things wrong (can you tell she's the first born?).

She eats both healthy and non-healthy foods and doesn't not seem to have a body-image issue -- she's the right size. I think she does have self-control issues -- she could eat a whole bag of marshmallows in one sitting - this is where I think the sneaking comes in -- she knows that we wouldn't let her eat as much junk food as she wants to eat, so she hides it.

Thanks again for your input!

 

[Wishing on a star]

What is coming to mind now is that you must very specifically focus on the sneaking, and NOT what the sneaking was about.

For example... be lenient with the snacks (but not to be unhealthy, of course) Make a special mother daughter shopping trip to buy her some of her own special make-up.

Make it clear that she will be WAY more likely to get what she wants/needs if she cooperates.

Do not punish her for the eating, or the make-up, etc... Make it very very clear that she will be disciplined for the SNEAKING.

Devise a discipline plan that you think might work for her, and be very consistant! Consistancy is the key. The consistancy is what really kicks in. Like you said, the off the cuff discipline only resulted in her eating in her room again in a very short while. Set up a consistant plan, go over it with her so that she understands, and then stick to it.

And, remember to reward the cooperation.

Try to avoid control issues.

 

[rkrivas]

I agree with what everyone is saying about trying not to make food a control issue and about helping her make healthy food choices. I reinforce with her that we try to limit junk food because it's not healthy for our body -- I avoid making references to body size.

 

[EthansMom]

I'm not any kind of expert on the subject, but if this were my daughter, I would discuss the hiding of food and bingeing with her pediatrician to see if I should seek counseling for her. It sounds like she could have the beginnings of an eating disorder.

Also, I would stop purchasing "problem foods" so that they aren't in the house -- candy, high-fat and high-sugar snacks. I would offer healthy meals and let my child eat healthy snacks (in the kitchen). But, at 7 years old, your daughter can't eat foods if they aren't in the house.

I would also go through her room at least once a day and look for anything that shouldn't be there and address it in a supportive and constructive manner, "DD, I wish you would put your dirty underwear in the laundry bag so I can make sure to get them washed." or "DD, please don't bring food into your bedroom. It makes a mess in your bedroom and can attract bugs and mice and stuff. You can have snacks in the kitchen whenever you're hungry." or "DD, please don't take my makeup. If you take it, I won't have any makeup to put on when I need it. If you want some makeup of your own, we can get some at the store made just for girls your age."

Also, since your DD already has food issues, try to avoid using food as a reward/punishment. Offer rewards that have nothing to do with food. Instead, fun times involving food should be random and "just because".

Good Luck!

 

[2Princes2Princesses]

You are not being too strict. My DD13 has the same problem. We found all the wrappers and the first thing I thought was "bulemia" but she is not purging. I did some research and there is something called "binge eating disorder" It falls under the heading of an eating disorder. My daughter starts counseling next week.

Here are some excerpts from a site I was reading yesterday:
"Jana's room is her oasis. It's where she listens to music, does her homework, and talks on the phone to her friends. It's pretty messy in there - she has clothes piled on the chair, her desk is overflowing with books and papers, and the towering stack of CDs looks like it's about to topple. For the most part, it looks like a typical teen's room - except for what's under the bed. That's where Jana keeps her secret stash of snacks and tosses the leftover candy wrappers, chip bags, and cookie crumbs.

But binge eating, also called compulsive overeating, is different from normal appetite increases or overeating now and then. Teens with a binge eating problem eat unusually large amounts of food and don't stop eating when they become full. They binge not just from time to time, but regularly. And binge eating involves more than just eating a lot - with binge eating, a person feels out of control and powerless to stop eating while he or she is doing it. That's why binge eating is also called compulsive overeating. With binge eating, a person may feel a compulsion (a powerful urge) to overeat."


I have OCD, so for me, it was easy to identify with my DD. If your DD is starting with something like this, punishment will not work. I have compulsions as part of my disorder, and believe me, they are not something easy to stop. She is not trying to exercise control over you, she simply cannot help herself. But the fact that she hides the wrappers.....she is embarrassed about it. I found my DD's when I went in to flip and vacuum the mattress and box spring during my semiannual OCD cleaning fest.

Also, I don't have OCD because my parents didn't clean enough or traumatized me as a kid. I had a terrific childhood, lots of friends, and was pretty happy...it just is what it is. I do feel responsible for my daughter, because I am worried that I passed on the compulsion gene. My Dad had it too. He once told me that he did not drink or gamble because he knew he couldn't stop when he should....he had a compulsive personality. So you did not "do" anything to cause this.

I would contact her doctor, explain what you found, and ask what they think you should do. They may refer her to talk to someone.

I asked my daughter why she thinks she binge eats. She told me she has the urge when she is stressed by a friend or school or her siblings, which at 13, is pretty much every day.

Good luck. Please let me know how things turn out and feel free to PM me anytime. Check out the National INstitute of Mental Health.....I believe it is www.NIMH.NIH.gov and look up Binge eating disorder. That is mostly geared for adults, but covers alot.

 

[Aidensmom]

I would agree with the above post, I would mention it to her doctor. It could be the start of an eating disorder, or a compulsive disorder.

If it is not that, I would make sure she understands WHY you don't want her to do certain things. We have to limit/eliminate certain foods in my son's diet for some health problems, and have really gone out of our way to explain why so that he really understands why so he does not feel like we are just depriving (can't think of a better word) him. Does she really understand why she is not allowed food in her room, or to use your makeup?

 

[NAB]

I have a 7 year old son that does the sneaking thing. It is food in the morning before we get up. He does not have self control either. He will take a big scoop of peanut butter out of the jar or put chocolate syrup on his cearal. He also tries to sneak his gameboy to bed with him or to school. He always gets caught and then he says he is sorry but will do it again. I tell him he is always going to get caught so he should just tell me. I don't know if it is a problem or not. I remember sneaking food as a kid because that was my comfort food. I found out when I grow up that my parents always knew. I would throw what ever it was in the oven when they came in the kitchen. I didn't turn out to be sneaky so I really haven't done anything. I just let him know that we know what he is doing and doesn't have to. I think it is a testing thing or at least I hope it is .

 

[Caradana]

It's a little streak of perfectionistic OCD, nothing major, but the first stirrings (and I think the OP sees it ... "can you tell she's the firstborn?" classic control issue). I used to do the same thing when I was little. There isn't a direct correlation between any particular life event or circumstance and this behavior ... she's trying to use food (literally) and secrets (figuratively) to fill up where she feels anxiety and a little bit of emptiness inside. Time and support will fix it. Don't punish her.

Here's one of those things that we forget when we get older: as adults, we have the "privilege of perspective." We understand that spilling the milk or screwing up the laundry or misplacing a $10 bill isn't a big deal in the global spectre of car crashes and crime and all of the other crazy things that go on in the world. But to a little girl ... everything is enormous. The food: she eats out of anxiety and feels more anxious because she's afraid you'll find the wrappers. Makeup? A life or death issue. Everything is a big source of anxiety to a little girl with a streak of perfectionistic OCD. Let her know again and again that she's totally safe, Mom will take care of any problems, and nothing is a big deal and you love her even if she eats TWO bags of marshmallows in her bedroom. And watch - she will stop doing it.

 

[Wonders10]

I think some other posters have mentioned this but I just want to again point out that this has the slight potential of turning itself into a really bad situation re:eating disorders. I did the same sneaking of food when I was younger and right now I'm battling disordered eating big time. I don't want to say an eating disorder but its definitely not normal. I don't know exactly what caused it but all of my life it has been drilled in to me that eating certain foods were naughty, hearing family members talk about various diets because they're huge (but are actually not), etc. I personally think that EDs and the like are already in place but the environment the person is in can definitely exacerbate it. If your daughter was anything like me she was probably mortified that you found her stash more than you punishing her or limiting treats. Anyway, I feel like I'm being a little pushy but truly I don't intend it - I just want you to be careful in how you approach this issue.
*Shannon

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If a kid is sneaking and hiding, "something" is afoot.
A normal, healthy 7yo cannot eat a whole bag of anything.
I would agree that this is some kind of anxiety disorder that needs to be addressed.

I would certainly go see a doc. and get an opinion. I know it seems odd to take your kid in but there are some great docs that can help you and your dd before the issues get out of hand.