Am I being EVIL?? UPDATE PAGE 2

[C.Ann]

I personally wouldn't have handled it that way, but it worked - so that's good..

 

[SandrA9810]

I think it was a great idea. Kids need to be more tollerant of each other, even when they don't "want" to be nice. But it's childish for the daughter to act that way to begin with when the boy shows up in the vicinity of her. I'm sure they could've gotten over it or past it in a few months time.
But especially when you're from a small area and every one knows every one else's name, people might start looking down upon the two kids for acting that way and causing friction between both sets of friends.

 

[DaParkers]

I have no children, so I can only tell you how my mother would have handled this:

She wouldn't have invited him over because she just wouldn't get that much "into" a teen's life.
She would not have allowed me to behave in a nasty or witchy way. THAT would have been stopped the first time it happened, not a month later. And had I behaved publicly the way you say your DD did, it would have been a long time before I went out into public again.

My mother tended to teach the behavior that was expected, regardless of the situation. She expected me to be generally pleasant and polite to everyone, not nasty. She expected me to be civil to people, even those I did not care for...not that they had to be my best friend, but I had to be civil. Dramatics and hysterics were not allowed or tolerated. That whole "teen drama" that everyone seems to expect didn't fly at my house. There was no being nasty and moody for the sake of being nasty and moody. Being a teenager did not give me the right to behave in any different manner other than that which was expected....that being generally pleasant and polite, with some occasional leeway for a bad day or a broken heart. But the "leeway" period was short.

How would your mother have dealt with your issues without being "into" your life? How would she have known?
More parents need to be "into" their teen's lives. There are many parents that wish they had been more involved. Many parents that have dead teens, pregnant teens, domestically abused teens, bullied teens, teens that are addicted to drugs, etc.....

 

[DisneyBlonde]

More parents need to be "into" their teen's lives. There are many parents that wish they had been more involved. Many parents that have dead teens, pregnant teens, domestically abused teens, bullied teens, teens that are addicted to drugs, etc.....

well said

 

[minniecarousel]

I'm late to this story, so I just read your OP and your update. I think you're brilliant! I agree that this tactic wouldn't have worked for all (ex)relationships. But your explanation that the families are friends, and they knew each other before they "dated", your intervention makes sense.

Glad it worked out!

 

[saratogadreamin09]

How would your mother have dealt with your issues without being "into" your life? How would she have known?
More parents need to be "into" their teen's lives. There are many parents that wish they had been more involved. Many parents that have dead teens, pregnant teens, domestically abused teens, bullied teens, teens that are addicted to drugs, etc.....

This is very true but forcing the two teens together wasnt the best way to be into their lives. I think O.P. should have just sat her daughter down and told her to grow up.

 

[MichelleVW]

No way would I be that vested with my childs teen break-up and drama scenarios that I would invite my child's ex over to my home, to my child's home.

NO WAY

Just wouldn't.

I would dole out serious boundaries and discipline... no question.

But, IMHO, some serious boundaries have been completely obliterated here.

Won't even get started on a just turned 15 year old going into a serious dating relationship, with both parents involved in the kids personal life.

EGADS is right....

Where I used to live parents were really involved in their kids personal lives, it was really freaky.

I understand that your families are close, but I dont think inviting the ex over was the best way to handle this.

Happy it all worked out, but I still think you handled it wrong

I agree, no way would I invite an ex of my DD's over to the house. They are ex's for a reason.

 

[Darsa]

More parents need to be "into" their teen's lives. There are many parents that wish they had been more involved. Many parents that have dead teens, pregnant teens, domestically abused teens, bullied teens, teens that are addicted to drugs, etc.....

I could not agree more with this. But the toughest part is knowing HOW to be involved without being OVERinvolved, thus causing many of the same problems. It is pretty obvious to me that the OP knew exactly what she was doing, and I highly commend her for not only caring about how her daughter handled it, but caring about the boy (and his family) enough to make it happen.

As mom to a 13YO I see WAY too much in the way of absentee parenting; in fact I'm *pretty* sure that DD's boyfriend's 14YO best friend will end up a father before long, and his 15YO brother will be in the Police logs, both for the same reason; because their parents pay no attention to them and what they do, nor do they care. It makes me ill. This is also why when there's a get-together of all of the friends, it's either AT my house, or with MY presence. Luckily they like me; apparently I can be fun and still make sure the rules are followed

Good for you, OP; I think you handled it brilliantly!

 

[luvsJack]

I think it was a great idea and would have been even if the families weren't friends. (although that reason alone made it almost required that someone get involved to work this out).

Teens know all about "getting together" but don't seem to handle break ups very well. She very may well have just taught her dd a very valuable lesson about breaking up with respect for the other person and going on with life. Hopefully her daughter won't have to use the lesson very much, but if she does she will know a better way to handle herself.

How many times have grown ups broken up a marriage and acted like little brats, arguing over everything from the children to the silverware? How much better could it be if they had had a lesson in breaking up with respect for the other person?? Maybe OP is just on to something here and ALL teens could benefit from her lesson.

 

[antmaril]

I really like the way you handled this situation. Your plan seemed to work perfectly.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am glad that it seems to have worked out.


But, I think it is just a lucky situation.
And, I stand by every word in my earlier post.

If this OP continues to be personally and vicariously involved with her teenagers life.... then there are gonna be HUGE issues.

Really, it is not like these are two girls, BFF, having a tiff.
And, even if it were, the OP handled it ALL WRONG.
A teen should NOT have her relationships controlled by her mother and her mothers 'family friendships'.

Instead of sending kudo's.... I am sending a strong message that that the OP got lucky THIS time. And, that one day, very soon, if her DD is smart, she will refrain from telling her mother ANYTHING about her life and her relationships, and as she becomes 'of age', she will be running for her life, away from her mother's overinvolved, wayyyy to vested, vicarious, meddling, and disrespectful ways.

There is a huge difference between being there for your child, giving advice, maintaining strong boundaries, discipline, etc.. and behaving as the OP has done.
Beginning with how the whole relationship between two barely-out-of-their-14th- year 'family friends' was handled in the very beginning.

 

[Darsa]

I disagree that there was anything wrong with the actions of the mother. This post was a lot longer before but I didn't want to "get into it" with anyone, lol. I see nothing "overinvolved, vicarious, meddling or disrespectful" in what mom did; all I see is a concern that her daughter be a decent human being and learn how to handle situations in an adult manner.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Update:
But first to those who've said the ex shouldn't be invited over. Please note that I did say that we were/are good friends with his family from BEFORE the dating started. There is NO way we're going to stop hanging out with their family because our kids decided to end their dating relationship.
Also, I did say previously that their "dating" consisted of texting, holding hands, going to movies with parents or other couples - NOT going out on dates alone, which is what I would consider "serious dating".

Now to the update:
Ex just left. By the end of the yard work they were chatting, laughing and talking. Families sat down to lunch, a good time was had by all. There was very little tension, a bit, but not much really. When they said goodbye they both laughed at us parents and then hugged and said goodbye.

I did know that there would be naysayers on the Dis, we all have different ways of handling things. I respect all the comments. I do think that our children need us to give them guidelines and help them when new situations arise. Both the kids were handling it poorly and we gave them a nudge and sent them on their way. They're good kids, we love 'em! Of course they can be brats but they're 15!!! So we correct them and keep on loving them!

I think you did a great job with her, and I'll be tucking your actions away for my own daughters someday.

Sounds like you're a caring, involved mom who saw her daughter making some poor decisions, and corrected her in a way that both taught and empowered your daughter while maintaining the family friendship.

Good way to work it out.

 

[DaParkers]

if her DD is smart, she will refrain from telling her mother ANYTHING about her life and her relationships, and as she becomes 'of age', she will be running for her life, away from her mother's overinvolved, wayyyy to vested, vicarious, meddling, and disrespectful ways.

Beginning with how the whole relationship between two barely-out-of-their-15th- year 'family friends' was handled in the very beginning.

WOW! I hope she never does that. Because right or wrong, she has a mother that cares. If she is smart, she'll be thankful to have a mother that is involved in her life whether she agrees with her methods or not. I'd rather have a mother that's too involved than to have one that's not involved.