Am I being EVIL?? UPDATE PAGE 2

[Cindyluwho]

Here's the story. DD15 has her first boyfriend, he is six months younger. They date for 7 1/2 months and she decided he's not right for her, she really thought it out, talked to both DH and I about it and decided to break up with him right before the end of school. If it matters, he is more "clingy" than she is, she's very independent and just isn't interested in spending every moment with boyfriend.

So they break up. He is heartbroken, gets angry at her, thinks she must have another guy in mind, etc. etc. She gets PO'ed, they begin to make each other's lives miserable. Yesterday I was so ready to really yell at her. Her band played a public gig yesterday and he showed up and she let everyone know how angry she was that he came. Really? It's a public place, he's hanging out with friends. Geez!!

Evil mommy (me) puts up with this for the last 4 weeks and decides it's time to just end this nonsense. We had talked all during their relationship about how important friendship is and to make sure that if they ever broke up it would be sad to lose such a good friend. So today I am SO TIRED of it that I ask him to come over to do some odd jobs for me, tell the two of them they are going to work side by side all day and at the end of the day, if they haven't killed each other, perhaps they can stop making each other miserable. He laughed, she was angry. She is my DD, I love, her but she has been the witchy girl in this story and he has been a jerk too. God Bless 'Em!! I told them if they thought they were mature enough to be boyfriend/girlfriend for 7+months then they are sure as heck mature enough to work this out!! They've been outside doing yard work for the last 35 minutes and so far it's been pretty quite....but at least she has smiled a few times. EGADS!! TEENAGERS!!

If our families weren't such good friends and if the school wasn't so darned small I would have just lectured her, but the disrespect on both sides was making me crazy!

So, am I evil?? His mom was in on this by the way, we figured we could all get on with our lives faster this way.

 

[eliza61]

Pretty much why my kids are not allowed to have a serious boyfriend/girlfriend until their Jr. year in h.s.

I don't think you're evil mom but you might be a little naive. 15 year olds "mature" enough to work out a relationship. hmmmm, I'm skeptical. If I remember 15 correctly it was all about "DRAMA".

 

[Cindyluwho]

I don't think you're evil mom but you might be a little naive. 15 year olds "mature" enough to work out a relationship. hmmmm, I'm skeptical. If I remember 15 correctly it was all about "DRAMA".

DRAMA is right!! The remark about maturity was for their benefit, not mine, I was being sarcastic. They insisted they were mature enough to remain friends when they first started "dating". And by dating I mean texting, going to movies with friends, declaring yourself boyfriend/girlfriend etc. Not going on dates by themselves. That can come later, much later as far as I'm concerned

 

[minkydog]

I think you have handled it brilliantly. And I would sit them back down *after* the workday and let them know that you will not tolerate their cattiness and petty behavior any longer. You can't control the boy's choices but you can sure call his parents and get them on board. You *can* manage your daughter's behavior. There must be consequences for her poor choices until she decides it is less painful to be civil to this boy than to be abusive.

 

[figment52]

Let us know how it works out - it could be very interesting.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

I think you handled it really well. Your daughter sounds mature on the one hand, when she discussed the situation with you and your DH...so I was surprised to hear her reaction to him showing up at the gig. I'm sure they'll work it out.

 

[disykat]

Smart solution IMO. I don't think you're naive at all to expect two 15 year olds that started out friends to be able to work it out. They should be able to come up with a way to sort of tolerate or ignore each other if they can't be friends.

My 16 year old has been interested in the same girl for a year and a half. They were friends before and when they started "dating" I talked with him about how they were going to be in school together, in band together, etc. for several more years and if/when they break up that won't change. I expect we'll be having lots of conversations about how to handle it when that time comes.

If any breakup "nastiness" is bad enough that I'm aware of it as a parent, I'll step in too and make them knock it off.

 

[Wishing on a star]

No way would I be that vested with my childs teen break-up and drama scenarios that I would invite my child's ex over to my home, to my child's home.

NO WAY

Just wouldn't.

I would dole out serious boundaries and discipline... no question.

But, IMHO, some serious boundaries have been completely obliterated here.

Won't even get started on a just turned 15 year old going into a serious dating relationship, with both parents involved in the kids personal life.

EGADS is right....

 

[Carly_Roach]

No way would I be that vested with my childs teen break-up and drama scenarios that I would invite my child's ex over to my home, to my child's home.

Yeah, that kind of stood out to me as well. A home is supposed to be your sanctuary; where you can go and hide if you want to. And now your mother's mad at you so she invites your ex over and makes you do yard work with him. YIKES! I can see all sorts of trust issues happening in the future with your daughter.

If I had behaved in public like the way you say your daughter behaved, my mother would have been mortified by MY behavior. She would be worried that everyone else thought she raised a mean spirited witch who could not only use someone up and throw them away, but has no compunctions about publicly humiliating someone they once said they loved.

As a teen, I'd have been doing yard work, allright. And housework, and no car, and no TV, and grounded for at least two weeks. But at least my mom wouldn't have invited the ex-boyfriend over to our house and forced us to "resolve our differences".

To answer your question "Am I being EVIL??", evil isn't a word I would use in this case. The words I'd use are untrustworthy and unreliable. You and the other mother should have stayed out of it and let the teenagers work out their own differences. The fact that you allowed her to be a mega-witch for at least a month instead of addressing her behavior the first time it happened gave the impression that you were going to allow it to happen continuously. Now you're changing course because "you're sick of it".

Which, if you look at your daughter's behavior, is pretty much what she did with the boyfriend.

Next time address it right away. Then you won't need reassurance later on that you're making the right decision.

Sorry. Wish I had better advice for you.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Here's the story. DD15 has her first boyfriend, he is six months younger. They date for 7 1/2 months and she decided he's not right for her, she really thought it out, talked to both DH and I about it and decided to break up with him right before the end of school. If it matters, he is more "clingy" than she is, she's very independent and just isn't interested in spending every moment with boyfriend.

So they break up. He is heartbroken, gets angry at her, thinks she must have another guy in mind, etc. etc. She gets PO'ed, they begin to make each other's lives miserable. Yesterday I was so ready to really yell at her. Her band played a public gig yesterday and he showed up and she let everyone know how angry she was that he came. Really? It's a public place, he's hanging out with friends. Geez!!

Evil mommy (me) puts up with this for the last 4 weeks and decides it's time to just end this nonsense. We had talked all during their relationship about how important friendship is and to make sure that if they ever broke up it would be sad to lose such a good friend. So today I am SO TIRED of it that I ask him to come over to do some odd jobs for me, tell the two of them they are going to work side by side all day and at the end of the day, if they haven't killed each other, perhaps they can stop making each other miserable. He laughed, she was angry. She is my DD, I love, her but she has been the witchy girl in this story and he has been a jerk too. God Bless 'Em!! I told them if they thought they were mature enough to be boyfriend/girlfriend for 7+months then they are sure as heck mature enough to work this out!! They've been outside doing yard work for the last 35 minutes and so far it's been pretty quite....but at least she has smiled a few times. EGADS!! TEENAGERS!!

If our families weren't such good friends and if the school wasn't so darned small I would have just lectured her, but the disrespect on both sides was making me crazy!

So, am I evil?? His mom was in on this by the way, we figured we could all get on with our lives faster this way.

Oops. Forgot the first post c/p rule.

 

[Darsa]

Well, for what it's worth, I think it was an excellent idea, and would love to know how it works out. I truly believe that there's no reason your daughter and her ex can't learn how to constructively resolve the issues that they're having instead of all the talking behind the back and sniping at each other that teenagers (and unfortunately a lot of adults) tend to resort to.

Good for you mom!

 

[Disney Doll]

I have no children, so I can only tell you how my mother would have handled this:

She wouldn't have invited him over because she just wouldn't get that much "into" a teen's life.

She would not have allowed me to behave in a nasty or witchy way. THAT would have been stopped the first time it happened, not a month later. And had I behaved publicly the way you say your DD did, it would have been a long time before I went out into public again.

My mother tended to teach the behavior that was expected, regardless of the situation. She expected me to be generally pleasant and polite to everyone, not nasty. She expected me to be civil to people, even those I did not care for...not that they had to be my best friend, but I had to be civil. Dramatics and hysterics were not allowed or tolerated. That whole "teen drama" that everyone seems to expect didn't fly at my house. There was no being nasty and moody for the sake of being nasty and moody. Being a teenager did not give me the right to behave in any different manner other than that which was expected....that being generally pleasant and polite, with some occasional leeway for a bad day or a broken heart. But the "leeway" period was short.

 

[sbell111]

I'll take 'Why 15 year olds aren't allowed to date' for $100, Alex.

Also, I agree that it probably wasn't the best move to invite the ex over to the house. Seems like shrugging and letting the drama blow over would have been the better play.

 

[saratogadreamin09]

I dont think what you did is evil, but I also think its something you should just leave alone. You have to let them work their problems out on their own.

 

[saratogadreamin09]

I have no children, so I can only tell you how my mother would have handled this:

She wouldn't have invited him over because she just wouldn't get that much "into" a teen's life.

She would not have allowed me to behave in a nasty or witchy way. THAT would have been stopped the first time it happened, not a month later. And had I behaved publicly the way you say your DD did, it would have been a long time before I went out into public again.

My mother tended to teach the behavior that was expected, regardless of the situation. She expected me to be generally pleasant and polite to everyone, not nasty. She expected me to be civil to people, even those I did not care for...not that they had to be my best friend, but I had to be civil. Dramatics and hysterics were not allowed or tolerated. That whole "teen drama" that everyone seems to expect didn't fly at my house. There was no being nasty and moody for the sake of being nasty and moody. Being a teenager did not give me the right to behave in any different manner other than that which was expected....that being generally pleasant and polite, with some occasional leeway for a bad day or a broken heart. But the "leeway" period was short.

I think this is good advice Dont force the two to be friends, but dont let your daughter act like a witch

 

[Cindyluwho]

Update:
But first to those who've said the ex shouldn't be invited over. Please note that I did say that we were/are good friends with his family from BEFORE the dating started. There is NO way we're going to stop hanging out with their family because our kids decided to end their dating relationship.
Also, I did say previously that their "dating" consisted of texting, holding hands, going to movies with parents or other couples - NOT going out on dates alone, which is what I would consider "serious dating".

Now to the update:
Ex just left. By the end of the yard work they were chatting, laughing and talking. Families sat down to lunch, a good time was had by all. There was very little tension, a bit, but not much really. When they said goodbye they both laughed at us parents and then hugged and said goodbye.

I did know that there would be naysayers on the Dis, we all have different ways of handling things. I respect all the comments. I do think that our children need us to give them guidelines and help them when new situations arise. Both the kids were handling it poorly and we gave them a nudge and sent them on their way. They're good kids, we love 'em! Of course they can be brats but they're 15!!! So we correct them and keep on loving them!

 

[saratogadreamin09]

I understand that your families are close, but I dont think inviting the ex over was the best way to handle this.

Happy it all worked out, but I still think you handled it wrong

 

[HunnyPots]

I understand that your families are close, but I dont think inviting the ex over was the best way to handle this.

Happy it all worked out, but I still think you handled it wrong

Yep, I agree. Too much involvement on the part of the parent just makes the drama drag out longer and keeps them from learning to solve their own problems. BTDT...

 

[Buckalew11]

My sister dated a family friend for a long time. I could have seen my parents doing this with him but probably no other guy that ever came around. In fact, he worked for my parents for years in HS and I am sure they were put together during times they were not "together".

Anyway, I don't believe in parents getting too involved but at the same time, I can see your reasons, because of that close family relationship to begin with.
FWIW, my sister and this old boyfriend are still close friends 30 years later--as are we, with their family.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

Update:
But first to those who've said the ex shouldn't be invited over. Please note that I did say that we were/are good friends with his family from BEFORE the dating started. There is NO way we're going to stop hanging out with their family because our kids decided to end their dating relationship.
Also, I did say previously that their "dating" consisted of texting, holding hands, going to movies with parents or other couples - NOT going out on dates alone, which is what I would consider "serious dating".

Now to the update:
Ex just left. By the end of the yard work they were chatting, laughing and talking. Families sat down to lunch, a good time was had by all. There was very little tension, a bit, but not much really. When they said goodbye they both laughed at us parents and then hugged and said goodbye.

I did know that there would be naysayers on the Dis, we all have different ways of handling things. I respect all the comments. I do think that our children need us to give them guidelines and help them when new situations arise. Both the kids were handling it poorly and we gave them a nudge and sent them on their way. They're good kids, we love 'em! Of course they can be brats but they're 15!!! So we correct them and keep on loving them!

I'm glad it worked out!