Am I asking too much? Being selfish?

[Fishbone†]

My Grandma is being transported home (MN) via medical jet from a visit to AZ. She has cancer, and we thought more time, but something went awry, and she has deteriorated to the put that we didn’t even know if we could transport her to be home with us when she passed. It’s been a whirlwind 24 hours……

My Dfiance has been very supportive through it all even as it severely affected his Valentine plans for us. Due to the circumstances, he has only seen my Grandma maybe 4 – 5 times in the almost two years we’ve been together, and has had little to no interaction with her. It just has to do with her personality, and maybe our relationship. She doesn’t know him very well, and she LOVED my old boyfriend, so, while she never said so, I don’t know that she necessarily would have picked him for me. I only know because she’s been telling me about all these young single men she knows.

Now, she’s on her way home, and we are all (my whole family) meeting at the comfort care center to be with her. We just don’t know if there is a tomorrow – if we have hours, or days…..

I really want him to be there, and he has said he will be there for me, but I know I’m asking a lot of him. It will be uncomfortable, he will get lost in the shuffle…. He will be there SOLELY for me. We are not married, and therefore, he is not officially family – not to mention he just never fit in with my Grandma. I want him there for two reasons…. One, because he’s my comfort and strength right now, and I want my soft place to land, but I can get that from my family. Two, and probably more so, I want him there because I want my family to know he supports me. If he is not there, they may feel like he doesn’t care. I know my dad feels VERY strongly about a male’s protective (emotionally and physically) role in family life. And I do too…. I was raised that way, and I have sought that in my soul mate. I am very traditional, and look to him to be my stronghold. My dad has concerns in this area because he (my dad) has always been that for me, and he is now handing that responsibility off to another male.

Again, he has said he will be there if that’s what I want, but if I want this time to my family, he’ll respect that too. I can tell he will do it for me, but he, with everything he knows, would rather be anywhere but there. He will be uncomfortable. He doesn’t feel as if my parent’s approve of him. They may have had something different in mind, but they accept him because I love him, and they will support us always, because they only want the best for us.

Would it be selfish of me to ask him to be there for me in these circumstances? I may get caught up in the whole thing, and leave him to his own devices, but I will know he’s there, and that he is supporting me. And yet, I know that anyway.

OH – I hurt so bad right now, and I just can’t think straight. Would you ask him to be there? Or let him off the hook, because you have your family surrounding you?

 

[SC Minnie]

If you want him to be there tell him. That may be the last place on earth he would rather be but isn't it the last place you would rather be too? Waiting for your Grandmother to pass? In relationships it is a give and take. This is your time to take and his to give.

 

[kdibattista]

It would not be selfish at all for you to want him there. So sorry you are going through this

 

[RadioNate]

Not at all. This is what husband's and wives do for eachother.

 

[rigs32]

Why should you not have the support of a long-term partner simply because you do not have a piece of paper signifying your relationship?

I assumed from the thread title that you would say that your family doesn't want him there. As that doesn't seem to be the case, why would you even contemplate having to go it alone?

 

[Wishing on a star]

If you love him, and he loves you. If you are planning a forever together. Then, yes, that starts today. He should be there.

 

[kejoda]

Why don't you just tell him what you told us?

For the record I don't think your selfish for wanting him there. Your facing a rough time and you need your support. I know you have your family but they are also going through their own feelings about your Grandma. He should be there for you.

btw I've been the "outsider" there to support a friend. No one has ever objected. When you care for someone your there for them when they need you.

Many prayers for your family Heidi.

 

[Wishing on a star]

And, let's all remember to mention...

Our best wishes... I am so sorry about your grandmother.

 

[mickeyboat]

My sympathies regarding your grandmother.

It is not selfish at all to want someone who loves you with you. He sounds like a great guy.

Denae

 

[Hannathy]

I think he could really "earn" a place in your families heart if he was there for you but stayed in the background and became the support you need but also the runner for coffee or snacks, or to pick up Aunt Myrtle from the airport. etc.
Sympathy to you and strength sometimes people can take unfortunately a long time to give in.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Have him there if that is what you want.

 

[helenabear]

Not selfish... we all need people to lean on.

He said he will be there, so just make sure he knows how much he is needed there. Death is awkward for many, and since he isn't close to your grandmother, i bet that isn't making it easy on him either. He wants to be there for you (so you claimd he says) so just let it go at that. Just go on with your plans to have him there and dont' worry about it. I am sure he understands the importance of being there.

I am just very sorry for you and your family

 

[Fishbone†]

He has said that he will be there if I want or need him to be, but I know that he doesn’t want to. I know he’s just offering for my sake…. Maybe even hoping I’d say no, but will be there if I say yes. Does that make sense?? I think we’ve all been there – done something for someone else that we really didn’t want to. Anyway, in response to his email asking if I wanted him there or if I wanted this to just be family (as if he’s not family to me), I wrote the following. I’m hoping it lets him know that I realize the sacrifice he’s making, but it’s important to me that he’s there….. without making him feel like I’m demanding it. Just requesting…..

Sweetheart......

I don’t know what to say. I KNOW I'm asking a lot of you to be there. I KNOW with all your everything you'd rather be anywhere but there. I know you will be uncomfortable because of the circumstances.... because you're on the outside of the situation just due to the lack of contact you've had with her. I know there's a possibility I will get caught up in it all and forget your there for a moment, but you are the one I love, my stronghold, and the one I want support from. It would mean a lot to me, and to my family to know that you support us, that you are there for me. I know that you do and that you are.... I know that with all my heart. I don't doubt that for a second, but this time, if you don't mind, I'd like you to be there. Just for me...... just in case I need you. I wanted her to be at the wedding, and now I know she won't. At least maybe she can see us together one last time.

I know work s*cks, and I know you've had a horrible day. I'm so sorry this is happening, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it all at once.

I love you Sweetheart, and if you can't, you can't. But if you can, it would mean so very much to me.