Am I a dream killer?

[Jennasis]

Yes, you are a dream killer.

You seem very convinced that both of your children, despite evidence proving otherwise (good grades, obvious talent), "don't have what it takes."

I think that is their lesson to learn if you're right and these career choices aren't for them. And you are wrong about one thing... one does not have to start there own practice to be a veterinarian. Plenty of vets work for others. And Vet school isn't competitive really, she just has to keep what she is doing and be prepared for her lectures and continue to apply herself, which she's already proven she can do.

Have a little faith in your kids.

Vet school is INSANELY competitive.

 

[ICF]

Yes, you are a killer of young dreams.

Especially with your 12 year old, IMO...she's 12 and may well continue to grow and develop her talents. When she's older let her audition for something like Idol or the voice and see if she can get on. If not, then use that time to talk to her about being a big fish in a small pond, vs just another fish.

On the older child, I think you have a responsibility to set expectations about what a career in a certain field will be like...school requirments, loans, future income and the like. However, if the child still wants to be vet -- then that's what they should try and become. You don't want her at 30 to be looking back on her life always saying....I wish I hadnt listened to my mom and followed by dream to be a Vet. Help set expectations for her, but let her choose her own path.

 

[sharonmickey]

Let you daughters dream. You never know - their dreams may come true.

My younger DD competed in a county math contest, I knew she was not as good as her sister so the whole drive there I tried to prepare her for not doing well. She ended up winning the contest for her grade level. Later, when she was applying to colleges, she was one of 22,000 applicants for the business college. Only 600 students would be accepted. She told me if she had known that she would never have applied. She ended up being accepted. She graduated over a year ago and had a job offer months before even graduating. She is very happy working at a large bank - still using those math skills from years ago

Encourage your children to follow their dreams.

 

[jen1977]

Yes, you are a dream killer. Why would you tell them that they can't do something? As a mother, that makes no sense to me. We have a 12 year old son who is very bright. He is gifted in science and engineering, and we would be shocked if he didn't do something in that field as an adult. He's been interested in how things work since he was 2. He is always coming up,with these hair brained ideas......things he wants to build. We've always let him try. A while back, he drew plans to build a two man submarine out of old plastic barrels. We told him that if he could get the supplies, he could try, and we would even take him to the lake when it warms up to try it. He has the barrels, and is slowly collecting the parts he needs for it secondhand. He and a friend also have plans to build a machine that will make it rain, or so they think. I know they won't build a cannon that will be able to shoot minerals into a cloud to make it rain, but we would never tell them they aren't capable. He built a flamethrower over the summer that seriously shot about 8 feet, and it was made of Kinex! I was shocked, but it worked. He was supervised of course. As parents, it is our job to be their biggest cheerleader. If they can't depend in their parents to believe in them, then who can they count on?

 

[eliza61]

MAJOR dream killer!! Let them at least try and achieve their dreams. Vet is an excellent career. Yes it takes a while but almost everything takes time. Chill mom

 

[nchulka]

I do not think you are a dream killer at all! Your job as a parent is to prepare your child for life not fluff them up with ridiculous nonsense like "you can be anything you want to be". Every time I hear that I cringe. It is NOT reality! Why let them live in disillusion for 18-20 years to be smacked in the face with reality at that point. Always be real with your kids. You don't have to be mean, saying things like "you're not good enough, other people are better than you, you don't work hard enough." Just keep it real, "honey, I know you think being a vet/Broadway star would be awesome, but honestly it is much more difficult than you can even imagine, and on and on with whatever knowledge you have of that specific topic...."

I had a brother who absolutely believed he could be a Hollywood director. He would not consider anything else, he had confidence coming out the ears. He took off for New York and film school as soon as high school was over. 4 years later he was over 100,000 in debt with a degree that will do nothing for him. He's 27 now, working a so-so job that has nothing to do with film. Reality smacked him in the face when no one came knocking on his door wanting him to direct the years biggest blockbuster meanwhile the reality of life and bills and debt were facing him everyday. He was forced to take "a job" just to pay the bills and eat.

Kids are stupid, they have no idea how the real world works. They always have the idea that somehow it will magically work out for them (perhaps because as parents we tend to always MAKE things work out for them when they are children, they don't have much experience with disappointment). As a parent our job is to prepare them to face real life, not inspire them to reach for foolish childish dreams we KNOW have no possible way of coming true!

 

[Allison]

Dream Killer.

 

[andysomma1]

I have two daughters. Both are accusing me of being a dream killer, so I'm asking for your opinions.

DD15 is a very good student (not gifted like all of these DIS kids, lol, but very bright). She has a 99 average in 10th grade, taking all accelerated classes. She loves animals, and wants to be a veterinarian. I think of 8 years of vet school, and then what it takes to set up one's own practice, etc., and I think it's just not the right path for her. I tell her that there are many other occupations that deal with animals, and even ones that don't (she can still be an animal lover without having to be a veterinarian, right?). She won't even look at anything else. I just don't think she's got what it takes to get through vet school (drive, ambition, competitive edge -- she is VERY laid back!).

DD12 does not shine academically like her sister, but shines on stage. She is a very good singer, actor and dancer. She has always gotten the lead in every musical she's auditioned for, and gets pulled up to the high school to be in their productions as well. She does community theater, too, and gets rave reviews from everyone. So, of course, she wants to be a *star* on Broadway. People in our community all expect her to! I'm very musically inclined myself, and I KNOW she doesn't have what it takes. We live in a very small town, and she's definitely the most talented in this town.....but if we lived in a major city, she'd have a lot of competition, not to mention Broadway! I used to be able to keep her expectations realistic, but now the comments from others are influencing her.

So, am I a dream killer? Should I let my daughters pursue these goals? Does anyone have a similar story to share?

Dream killer and cruel.

 

[Minnie_me]

OP here again ---

I just want to stress that I am doing LOTS of things with my daughters to encourage their dreams. I don't sit around being negative Nelly and veto everything they desire.

DD15 has already participated in a shadowing program with a local vet, and loved it. She helps out at a friend's barn, mucking out stalls, in exchange for riding time. She volunteers for Joyful Rescues at PetSmart every Saturday. I do EVERYTHING I can to help her. I'm just nervous about the veterinary school aspect, and everything that comes after. I don't tell her NO, but I do wish she would explore other options.

(And by the way..........veterinary school IS indeed extremely competitive. I don't know why some of you think it's not. My friend's daughter is a local vet, and her other child went to med school. They all agreed that vet school was tougher)

As for DD12 --- she *is* only 12, I realize that. And didn't you all see that she is participating in Middle School musicals, High School musicals, as well as community theater??? What part of that means I'm not doing everything I can for her right now? We don't live close enough to a "major city" for me to take that next step. But is it so wrong for me to also help her find other things she may be interested in?

 

[eliza61]

OP here again ---

I just want to stress that I am doing LOTS of things with my daughters to encourage their dreams. I don't sit around being negative Nelly and veto everything they desire.

DD15 has already participated in a shadowing program with a local vet, and loved it. She helps out at a friend's barn, mucking out stalls, in exchange for riding time. She volunteers for Joyful Rescues at PetSmart every Saturday. I do EVERYTHING I can to help her. I'm just nervous about the veterinary school aspect, and everything that comes after. I don't tell her NO, but I do wish she would explore other options.

(And by the way..........veterinary school IS indeed extremely competitive. I don't know why some of you think it's not. My friend's daughter is a local vet, and her other child went to med school. They all agreed that vet school was tougher)

As for DD12 --- she *is* only 12, I realize that. And didn't you all see that she is participating in Middle School musicals, High School musicals, as well as community theater??? What part of that means I'm not doing everything I can for her right now? We don't live close enough to a "major city" for me to take that next step. But is it so wrong for me to also help her find other things she may be interested in?

OP I think the issue I'm having is that you may be a little too forceful. Look at it this way, if your daughters say you are killing their dreams, that's your clue to back off a bit. That are still young give them the confidence to discover me things on their own.

 

[DVCJones]

DH's goddaugther wanted to go to art school, she is very talented. Her dad sat her down and said yes he would help her pursue her dream but that she needed to make that passion pay the bills. They explored options. She eventually decided on teaching art. She loves it! She dabbles in other areas and sells or gifts some of her work. She does calligraphy on the side and is trying to make a side business of charcoal portraits she does. But dad made sure that she understood that being the "starving" artist was not an option he would support fininacially.

Very good advice!

Back in high school, I had a friend who desperately wanted to go to art school. We were in all the same classes. The difference between us was, I had parents that supported me and figured out a path. My mom always said. "Figure out what you love to do, then figure out a way to get paid well doing it." I went on to pursue my dream. My friend went on to pursue her dad's dream of engineering. While she did graduate, she was miserable!!! She even eventually developed depression and had a real tough time for a while. It wasn't until she acknowledged her true passion and went to art school 15 years later that she finally was truly happy in life.

You have to let your kids find their way. And help them figure out how to get there.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

My DD is only 9 and wants to be a vet. She loves animals .

I myself wanted to be a vet. I even went 2 years of pre-vet and then realized I would never have the grades to be accepted to vet school.
Whoever the poster was that said vet school isn't competitive must have never researched what it takes to be a vet. I remember when I was pursuing it as a career path , I was told to start volunteering any place I could and as young as possible. Anything "extra" that could be put on the application helps.
And of course straight A's since birth. Lol

I already kid my DD who is in 3rd grade that she's well on her way . Three years of A's . Only 13 more and she's a shoo in.
I realize she may change her mind. But she may not. At 10 yo she can start volunteering at the local shelter. She already expressed an interest in this. So next year we will start that path.

Don't be a dream crusher. As others have said as their mother , you should be their main encouragement .

 

[diamondpixienc]

They are a bit young to be shoving reality at them IMHO. It will hit them soon enough and other people will try to crush their dreams along with their spirit. With all that being said, I think maybe you should channel this energy elsewhere. Can you find a vet that will mentor your older daughter or at a minimum talk with her about everything involved in the career path? If the younger one wants to be a star she realistically should be pursuing options outside of your immediate area -- maybe a theatre in a larger city.

I am rambling a bit but my point is to maybe create some opportunity for them to see your side of the argument. Maybe they will or maybe they will be more convinced in their career path. The way you are going about does seem to be a big downer..sorry to say.

+1 for this^ Also, if it's not in your budget to get your little diva to a bigger town. Just use You Tube and Facebook. Start her a Facebook fan page documenting her performances and a You Tube channel of her singing and/or clips of some of her best work from the productions she has been in. Remember Justin Beiber, Carly Rae Jepsen, even Sophia Grace & Rosie were all found on You Tube ;0)

 

[Mkrop]

OP here again ---

I just want to stress that I am doing LOTS of things with my daughters to encourage their dreams. I don't sit around being negative Nelly and veto everything they desire.

DD15 has already participated in a shadowing program with a local vet, and loved it. She helps out at a friend's barn, mucking out stalls, in exchange for riding time. She volunteers for Joyful Rescues at PetSmart every Saturday. I do EVERYTHING I can to help her. I'm just nervous about the veterinary school aspect, and everything that comes after. I don't tell her NO, but I do wish she would explore other options.

(And by the way..........veterinary school IS indeed extremely competitive. I don't know why some of you think it's not. My friend's daughter is a local vet, and her other child went to med school. They all agreed that vet school was tougher)

As for DD12 --- she *is* only 12, I realize that. And didn't you all see that she is participating in Middle School musicals, High School musicals, as well as community theater??? What part of that means I'm not doing everything I can for her right now? We don't live close enough to a "major city" for me to take that next step. But is it so wrong for me to also help her find other things she may be interested in?

OP I think the issue I'm having is that you may be a little too forceful. Look at it this way, if your daughters say you are killing their dreams, that's your clue to back off a bit. That are still young give them the confidence to discover me things on their own.

It does sound like you are doing a lot to help them explore these avenues, but if your DDs are calling you a dream killer, you need to reevaluate your approach. I guess there is a fine line between being too realistic and squashing the dream.

And you know someone is going to be the one to get accepted to vet school or be the next Broadway star, it might very well be one of your kids. Or maybe their dreams will change, or maybe they will do something related to that field...you just never know

 

[lynxstch]

yes. They are so young, please stop telling them all the reasons they should not pursue their dreams. They might surprise you someday. Be thankful they have aspirations. So yes, you are definitely a dream stomper. Quit doing that.

ita!

 

[clh2]

Thanks for posting your update. Glad to hear you are supportive through their extracurricular activities.

I can perhaps speak on the vet-inspired daughter. My BIL is a vet. Plus we have a dog-so we have a vet. Not all vets "have" to set up a practice. There are other opportunities. Our vet has a vet who works at his clinic when he goes on vacation. Think substitute teacher-this guy is a substitute vet. I obviously do not know what the financial arrangement is-but it does allow for the vet-techs to work that week; and it gives me a clinic to go to while my vet is off. Dogs don't care that the vet is out of town when they get sick.

Also- my BIL (not our vet due to his practice is 1000 miles away), got into his practice by teaming up with a vet who was close to retiring. My BIL eventually bought out the other vet.

Another thing to consider with vets: many are.no longer dealing with large animals- horses, cows etc. From what I understand- there is a demand for this type of specialty.

Now on to college-my dd is a college freshman. If I recall a specific set of statistics- 60% of college students that come to college who are not undecided as freshman will change their majors. So there is a good chance that may happen anyway. Or, if it doesn't, then that is really what they want to do!

Support their dreams! With your older dd, start to take a look at colleges with strong programs that support entry to vet schools. If nothing else-it is a reality check for your dd, which is great too!

Good luck-this can be a scary time for parents-maybe more of a reminder that our kids will be adults soon and on their own.

 

[LovingDisney2012]

Please do not take this as being ugly, but you have to stop letting your doubts limit your children. I love my mother dearly, but she used her doubts and fears to tell me about all the things I couldn't or shouldn't do in "her" opinion. So, I abandoned my dreams and settled for "normal" goals. Now looking back as an adult I have so many regrets. I have no doubt that I could have reached my goals, no doubt at all. Instead, I let someone else crush them for me and never even got to give it a try. I now have two children of my own and to pursue my passion, I would have to move our family and spend most of my time in studies and internships not to mention the astronomical strain it would put on our family budget (I had academic scholarship offers in high school). I will NEVER try to limit my children or tell them that their dreams are too lofty! The way I see it they should be given all the encouragement I can give them. Then, if they succeed they will get to live their dreams and if they fail at least they know they tried and they will probably still end up better of emotionally and in whatever career they end up with than if they had started out pursuing less. Please encourage your children, be their biggest cheerleader, win or lose, they will thank you for it.

 

[Allison]

OP I think the issue I'm having is that you may be a little too forceful. Look at it this way, if your daughters say you are killing their dreams, that's your clue to back off a bit. That are still young give them the confidence to discover me things on their own.

I agree with this. If the daughters say this and the majority of posters here agree based on your description, then it is time to reevaluate.

 

[mnrose]

My DD also want so be a Broadway star. I am enough of a realist to understand that it is a long shot (and she is also uber talented...don't get me wrong), but I NEVER ever say a discouraging word to her. I encourage her to go for her dreams. I also encourage her to pursue back up plans (like getting good grades) in case her dream doesn't come true. It is a parent's job to encourage their kids, not tramp on their dreams.

 

[Sorsha]

OK, silly story.

When I was in High School, thanks to the influence of a couple of car-crazy boyfriends, I loved tinkering around with automobiles. I was a very good student, maintained a solid GPA and took AP classes, but I also managed to take a couple of years of Auto Shop. (Oh so feminine, right? I didn't care though...) I think, in addition to it being something enjoyable, it was also a nice stress break when my other classes were so demanding.

We only had one Auto teacher in the High School, and he was very supportive of females in a man's domain. In the middle of our senior year we all took the ASVAB tests. I am not sure how, or to whom, the results got submitted, but I do know that (in addition to being relentlessly hounded by the military for the next year ) I was recruited quite heavily by several ASE-certified schools to become an Automobile Technician. This was at the end of the 80's/beginning of the 90's and they were really trying to get more women into the field. I was actually offered FULL-RIDE scholarships to several of the schools.

I was very excited by the prospect. Here was a field I enjoyed, that I knew I could get a job in, that I knew I could make a decent living at! No, I'd never be upper-crust; but as a kid in rural Montana being raised by a single mom, living in a 20 year old mobile home, the wages made by good mechanics seemed astronomical!!

My mom, however, would have none of it. She really did think she had my best interests at heart, but her view was clouded by what she knew I "could do" (academics, music, etc) and what she thought a useful career path might be for me. She was so horrified by the thought of her daughter in mechanic's coveralls that she refused to even entertain the idea that it might be what *I* wanted to do, or the career opportunities that might exist.

So, off I went to liberal arts college three states away. I was completely miserable, bored to tears, homesick, and felt that I had no direction because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with myself. Within a year I had dropped out, moved back home, and got married the next summer. Now, mind you, I don't regret my marriage (20 years this summer) nor my DDs; but I do, to this day, wonder how things would have turned out if I had been allowed to simply do what *I* wanted to do with my future.

I have three DDs with very different goals and aspirations. DD18 is very artistic and would like to earn a degree in graphics design. She and I joke about the whole "starving artist" thing, but it is a risk she is willing to take in order to fulfill her dream. More power to her.

DD12 likes to think she is good at everything (bit of an ego problem LOL). She is convinced that she is going to sing on Broadway and be a professional basketball player in the WNBA. I have tried to explain to her that, since most of the women in our family tend to top out at about 5'6", basketball may be a bit of a long-shot. I definitely encourage her to follow her dreams in choir and theater though. If nothing else, there is a wonderful company right down the road called Missoula Children's Theater (they may have come to your town and worked with your children, they travel nationwide). DD has done residency weeks with them for 3 years now, and was recently invited to their invite-only summer camp for this upcoming summer. Who knows, maybe she'll find herself on their staff, traveling the country, working in theater? Her choice, her dream.

DD9 hasn't got a clue what she wants to do yet, and that's fine, she's only 9, she'll figure it out one day.

I take a very hands-off approach with my kids and their future careers. I always tell them "I don't care what you do, just do SOMETHING and make sure it makes you happy." Don't be me, looking back 23 years to that "what if" and wishing I had just gone for it. Don't be me, with a crappy retail career at age 40.