Advise needed from BTDT teen parents

[AmyinKY]

Please tell me how you would handle this situation.

In December, we (DH, me, DD 15, and DS 12) moved from one state to another. It's about a 9 hour drive from our old house to the apartment we are renting until our house sells at the previous location. We moved due to my DH job change. We left a wonderful church with a great youth group, an excellent homeschool support group and many, many friends. Our son has handled the transition well. The problem is with our DD.

Yes, we left in the middle of her volleyball schedule. Yes, we left behind a great group of kids in our hs support group. The youth at our previous church never bickered amongst themselves, very friendly, always encouraged each other, etc. Yes, I am telling the truth. Whenever I would talk about our church, my friends thought I was glossing over the part about how all of the teens got along. They have had a different experience at their churches. Anyway, the transition has not been easy for our DD.

While I know it is a hard adjustment at 15, I have not been worried about her until recently. We have found another home school group to join here as well as another church. The problem is DD does not want to go on any of the hs activities, participate in youth group activities, etc. She has stayed in contact with her friends back "home". Yes, I have been reading her emails to them and she is telling them that she is not happy here, would give anything to live back up there with her friends, etc. She has also stated in her emails that she is just "going through the motions" to please her dad and I.

Remember she is 15, soon to be 16. She is finishing up her soph. year of highschool. We have talked about her going back to public school or to a private school and she does not want to do that. She will be taking a few dual credit classes this fall at the local community college so I know she will be meeting people her age through that experience as well as others throughout the homeschool community in the months to come. I am at my wits end with her passiveness. This was a child that loved life, had empthy for others, now she is withdrawn and complaceint. Is it just the teen years finally coming to a head, or did we really mess this child up by moving her away from her support system?

If you are still reading this, what is your advise.

Thanks,
Amy

 

[puffkin]

I don't have any advice for you

I can say though that IMHO a move like that would have been absolutely horrible to me when I was your daughters age.

I don't have any suggestions, but I hope things get better.

 

[Camno's Mama]

I think that saying you messed up is being too hard on yourself. But I do think that moving at that point, especially if a kid is really happy, is bound to be hard on a teenager. Starting over at that age is so hard.

I think you need to give her time, and try not to get so upset about her passiveness. Maybe she's less outgoing than you initially believed. If she grew up with those kids and was always in her comfort zone, she may have never really had to reach outside of herself. This is probably just new to her. Maybe a trip "back home" would do her some good this summer. Set something up with her friends' parents. My brother had a friend that moved from IL to CA at the beginning of high school. He did end up loving it, but they always sent him back for a week in the summer to stay with the families that they trusted. (They also had family around here, so visiting had extra benefits). But if she has that to look forward to, then maybe she can try harder in her new environment.

 

[momz]

sounds to me like she is behaving exactly as I would expect a 15 year old girl to behave in that situation. She is mourning the loss of her friends and home. She is still a child, and to expect her to be able to transition like an adult, or like a younger child for that matter, is too much to expect. She needs time. And the thought of leaving it up to her if she is going to participate in things or not is absurd!!! Send her anyway. She needs to have social interaction. She is going to hate it for a while. And it may take many different types of environments before she finds her niche. But...moving is sometimes a necessary part of life. It will take a while to adjust, but in the end, she will grow from this. hang in there, address her behavior differently than you do her emotions. by that, I mean, acknowledge she is hurting over the loss of her previous friends, but remind her that avoiding opportunities to make new friends is not going to ease her hurt. good luck.

 

[CampbellScot]

your daughter is grieving. It's that simple. At 15, friends are EVERYTHING. The core group of friends gives a child a sense of identity. She is going to need time to mourn this loss. You can't expect her to just jump in to a new group. Adaptation doesn't come as quickly for older teens as it does for young kids. When you are young, your life is mom and dad and siblings, so moving isn't as devastating. When you are older it's all about your friends. Clearly your daugther was involved. She was part of a team, she participated in activities that made her feel loved and accepted. To move away from all that is very disconcerting and jarring. Your daughter is hurting. She is probably lonely and maybe even a little bit angry.

All these things are normal responses. It's okay for her to feel this way. It's expected even.

All that being said, if you had to move...you had to move. It is what it is. Continue to encourage your daughter to get involved. Remind her that making new friends is not being disloyal to her other friends. Allow her opportunities to visit home if she can.

Being there for her and encouraging her are the best things you can do. Don't force it. Respect her feelings, let her work through them as you encourage her to move forward.

She'll get through it. You will too!

 

[bgirl29]

We had neighbors move to CA from MI right after their daughter finished 8th grade. Of course she was miserable for quite awhile. I have to agree with the previous poster who suggested you are really going to have to force her to become more involved with groups of whatever type you think appropriate. I wish you luck I have a 13DD and I know this would not be the easiest thing to do. Are there any sports camps in the area that she may be interested in? I would say it took our neighbors daughter a good year to feel at home after the move.

 

[AmyinKY]

Thanks for your words. I guess I left out a key portion to the first post. DD is going back to our previous home for three weeks this summer. (Church camp, staying with friends, then onto a mission trip which her brother and I will join them on.) Going back to visit was one of the very first things we talked about before we even left the state.

She does have the option at our new state to get her liscense a year earlier than where we use to live. She was excited about this before the move, now she is not interested in doing so. Mean mom and dad are MAKING her get her permit before the end of May. We set a time limit so she would get it, if we left it up to her, she would wait. We have also gotten her her own cell phone to call her friends on, she had been sharing one with me. I do understand that time will help. I am just frustrated. It's not like when your kids are young and you can help them choose friends, set up play dates, etc. I can't make her make friends.

I have spoken with the youth director at the new church we are attending. He is trying to draw her out, asking her questions, etc. to get her talking during youth times. It is heartbreaking to see your child change so much in such a short amount of time.

Thanks again for your kind words.
Amy

 

[mickeylr]

That is a tough situation for that age -- and if I read that correctly, don't forget that you aren't even settled there yet. I am assuming that selling the original house will result in a move from this apartment to a new house. She probably knows that too. So why should she get comfortable in this apartment (even if friends/school/church won't change again)?

very tough for everyone... Mary

 

[frtchr]

Moving is one of the highest stressors there is. It sounds like she is adjusting and dealing the best she can. Keep being there for her and offering support, but don't push her too hard to accept everything at once. All in good time.

 

[dis-happy]

My parents moved during my sophomore year of high school and I can't tell you how tough it was. And I was USED to moving, we did so regularly for my dad's job. It was so bad that they refused 2 transfers and my mom stayed behind a year when my dad did get transferred again so that my younger sister wouldn't have to go through the same thing. I became very depressed (clinically), and you need to be on the look-out for your daughter (ETA: re-reading all that you wrote and I very much think this could be the case, please follow-up on the possibility!). I really think that transition during the teen years is one of the most difficult, and it's so much more than "being a teen" that your dd is going through, losing her entire support system and all the people that should be there to keep her steady. Do as much as you can to let her keep in touch, fly back every couple of months, stay a week (things you can do due to homeschooling), let her know that her old life isn't gone. Be there as much as possible, alongside her, don't just send her off and expect her to fit in on her own (again, things that are possible since you also homeschool). And, I know it sounds drastic, but if your house hasn't sold, any chance you could relocate back? Sometimes it's worth it to take a step back for a short time for the sake of your children. I only speak from someone who became very self-destructive, very depressed, and very much headed down the wrong paths due to that rough transition. It took a long time to recover. God bless you all.

 

[trivial]

I hate to be the one to ask, but what does BTDT stand for?

 

[AmyinKY]

Been there, done that

I wanted advise from other parents who moved to a different withtheir teenagers.

 

[frtchr]

Wow. You're welcome for the kind words.

 

[gonemousin']

Edited: a faster typer beat me to the answer, LOL!

 

[Disneylush]

I am a youth minister and one of my youth moved out of state and she wanted to come back and come on our mission trip. I told she could under a few conditions. 1. She had to be active in her new church so that she was still growing and 2. She had to see if she could also go on the new churches trip as well. I think you have to pull in your old Youth Minister and have he/she explain to your DD that it is important for her to stay active.

I think if you can get your DD comfortable in one part of your new location the rest will fall into place. I think she really needs that relational piece to get connected.

 

[MichelleVW]

My girls have moved twice in the past 4 years and now they have to move again. DD15 handles it much better than her older sister. DD17 had a hard time. I think she felt that if she made new friends she was being disloyal to her old friends. Luckily she is an outgoing kid and was even on the cheerleading squad at her new school, but for half the year all I heard was that Cheer in NC was better, school in NC was better. Now that we have to move AGAIN, she is sad that she has to leave ND because everything here is great.

I feel bad for her to move twice her last 2 years of high school, but we don't have a choice if we want to eat. Lucky for DD15 she shouldn't have to move again.

My advise is to push her into activities, she may be mad at first, but I think it will give her something to do instead of mope and mourn what she has lost.

 

[bellebud]

I haven't btdt, but just wanted to offer support and for what you're all going through!

Please keep coming here for support if you need it!

 

[StephMK]

Well, we're not an exact case because DD was just turning 13 when we moved & in middle school. Like your DD, she grew up w/the same friends, grands close by, bff at same church, Scout troop, school, they did everything together. We moved for DH's job & knew it would be traumatic. It has been hard and though she's not completely happy, she likes it here now & no longer wants to move back.

She's always been an introvert but had a super outgoing bf that really helped her socially. It was hard to start in a new place but she loves to sing & has been able to get involved in show choir & has a nice group of friends through that. Plus I immediately put her in Scouts & we eventually found a great church. She had extended visits twice last year and is going back for 1 month this summer. She is also looking forward to a trip here w/her new youth group.

I think you're doing all the right things, just give her more time. Make sure you keep the communication open. I have to drag stuff out of DD but I think it did help her a little to talk about it. I'd tell her how I felt too & looked at the positives of the move.

 

[holly7347]

Wow. You're welcome for the kind words.

I don't think she was responding to you. I think she was answering the what does BTDT mean. She was telling that person what she was asking for