Advice to a child regarding mean kids

[ez]

Agghhhh! Kids can be so mean, and even gang up on each other. My daughter is in 3rd grade, and my 18 year old son had to do volunteer hours at her afterschool program for a college course he is taking. He can't believe how mean those third grade girls can be. My daughter is bright and analytical, and of course she wants to hang out with the "cool" kids. Well sometimes they include her and treat her nicely, and other times they exclude her in a humiliating manner. My daughter can't understand it when she is treated so bad, and of course she is not the only one. What kind of advice would you give in this situation? My advice has kind of been, honey, get used to it, there will be lots of mean kids all thru High School, try to act like it doesn't bother you when they are mean, and go find someone else to play with. Am I on the right track?

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I have a similar problem with DS. He says some boys tease him, but not all the time. I told him the same, just ignore them. But he has such a sensitive heart, that he can't understand why kids would be so mean just for the fun of it. Any advice from parents who have made it through this stuff???



Sad part is, I don't think everyone outgrows this behavior. there are a few people at work that haven't "grown up".

 

[jamsmom]

I, too, want some advice for DS.

 

[tigercat]

Can someone answer me this. Why is it that the person being excluded and mean to is the one who is suppose to suck it up and "get used to it". It seems to be that there is so much of this "getting used to it" that we have so many problems in the world. Even kids should be made to not bully others. The feelings never go away, and as one who was told to "get used to it" I never did. I am a grandmother now and I am still hurt. It really hurts your soul which is really hard to repair.
tigercat

 

[Serena]

Just be honest. Tell them there are some people who enjoy pretending to be friends sometimes and sometimes they want to hurt you. It's not fair, but it happens.
It's best to ignore them if you can. Most of all, don't let them see that they can hurt you.

They need to find kids who are true friends, whether at school or at home or activities.

That's all I know to tell them. I'm sorry they are going through this.

 

[Bottlejet]

Life is not fair. Be better or be left behind.

 

[bsnyder]

I have a DD who is in 3rd grade too, and I'm very frustrated by this. My older two are boys, and they just never seemed to be bothered by the ups and downs of friendships like my little girl is.

DD is probably "overly sensitive" and I was too at that age. I've told her to "move on" and play with someone else if someone is being mean to her, but she seems to be attracted to the mean ones and as soon as they are nice to her again, she gets sucked back in.

 

[ez]

Bet, that is exactly what my daughter does as well

 

[laurenk]

I too have a DS(9) who has been bullied by a certain group of kids in the neighborhood. I first went the same" ignore them, play with other kids" route. That advice usually doesn't work, because the bullies will seek you out. I then calmly went to the parents and said "It is obvious that #$%@ and ^&%* don't get along..I have told my son to stay away, and can you please ask your son that if he doesn't have anything kind to say, not to say anything at all" Well... this mom FLIPPED! Screaming, yelling, the whole ignorant"boys will be boys" line. Needless to say, things were not good between us, and a fence was put in my backyard. Things kept going happening on, and off. Well, during this past snowstorm ALL of the kids were out playing, and one of the bullies chased my son down and started beating him up. This was all unprovoked(TONS of witnesses). My husband went to the kids house, but the parents wouldn't answer. They did however answer it 15 minutes later for the Sheriff's deputy. I now have a neighborhood where the bullies know I am not messing around, and one even plays with my son almost daily.

I decided to get the police involved, because I had gone to several Bully sites, and what I read was VERY heartbreaking and disturbing. My thoughts are that it is MY job to do whatever it takes to protect my children. I now keep a record of ANY bully- like behavior. The physical and psychological damage caused by bullying should not be tolerated.

Sorry this is so long, I guess I really needed to get that off of my chest.

 

[ez]

Laurenk, that is such a horrible story and it certainly sounds like you did the right thing. I am so glad my 18 year old son never went thru anything like that, hes always been on the small side, not especially athletic, hes a real computer geeky kid (hes making big bucks now doing computer programing while going to college) But he had friends with similar interests and never seemed to attract the attention of any bullies.
With my daughter, though, its different. The mean girls are not doing anything they could get any kind of discipline for. They decide to exclude a kid, and even if they are reprimanded, they might say something like, well you can play...but we don't WANT you to! How good does that feel? My daughter wants to hang with the "cool" kids, and it seems like one minute shes in, and then shes out, depending on their mood. Like Bets daughter, my DD is pretty sensitive, I'm sure there are some kids who are more oblivious or who let stuff roll off ther shoulders easier.
If I had a child who was being physically threatened or harmed, I'm sure I'd do something similar to what you did. Good for you for nipping it in the bud!

 

[kdibattista]

Although it hurts, it will pass. My brother was a victim of a bully because he was heavy during grade school and no matter what we did it wouldn't stop. He was never physical so we really could not take any drastic measures. All I can say is that your daughter will grow up stronger than those other girls. My brother is now 17, works out regularly, is the smartest kid in his class (will be applying to Harvard early admittance) and has 2 dates to the senior prom (he's a junior). Now that kid tries to be his friend. I truly believe that bullying pushed him to suceed. She will overcome it and although it hurts, she will blossom and excel.

I, too, am sorry she is going through this.

 

[CJMickeyMouse]

I think it really helps if you talk to your child about what is 'COOL' and what is not 'COOL'. My DS had major problems trying to hang with the 'COOL' crowd. Well, the cool crowd (as defined by the children) got failing grades, disrespected the teachers, constantly picked on other kids, etc. You get the idea.

We teach our kids to be themselves, and let others think whatever they want. We actually found with our boys that they fit in much better with older students. Maturity can be a curse if you are trying to be friends with the 'COOL' kids.

Teach them to handle the harsh words.... as hurtful as they may be.... but when the attacks turn physical in any way - or get too 'personal'... then the authorities need to be involved.

Good luck!!!

 

[Piper]

I know that a lot of the time when there is bullying at school, people say--"Why didn't the teacher do anything about it?"

Well, I have had the most stress-filled year ever this year because I have a group of "mean" girls in my class. I have done everything I can---talked to the parents (one of them said--"Oh well, that's just the way she is!"), had them to the school counselor individually and in groups many times, given them office referrals, had them miss recess, given them poor grades in conduct. Nothing has helped.

When the children's parents don't care about the behavior (or in some cases are even proud of it), there is not a lot that can be done.

I will say that they do leave the kids who ignore them alone--they only pick on those that give them a reaction--so the advice of ignoring it is good....but I know how hard it is for a young child to do this.

I have never had a problem of this proportion before--usually it is one or two kids and talking to their parents or an office referral has solved the problem. I can't wait for this year to be over! ! ! (although I will miss the rest of the students who are sweet and wonderful kids.) That is the reason I have scheduled a solo WDW trip the day after teachers are released from duty--I need to relax and enjoy some magic!

 

[Kallison]

I started seeing the same problems this year my DD is in 3rd, DS is in 4th. Now DS in 6th never had a problem, although he fully admits he is not cool, popular nor does he seem to care. He has three great friends, they do everything together. DS is in the cool group and he was starting to get excluded this year. After three weeks of this I called the school counselor and she took care of it. DD has the usual, this one is my friend, this one isn't. Of course the two of them seem to gravitate to the popular kids that treat them the worst. DS has a good friend in another school and that really helps. I try to tell them to cultivate loyal friends and I think they are working on that. What really bothers me is when they are getting picked on and none of their other friends step up because they don't want to be next. I've always told my kids don't ever let me get a call that you are being mean or hurtful and you always help out someone else being picked on. I think that is part of the problem, my kids aren't pushovers, if they think it is unfair and their turn to be team captain they will let Mr. or Miss Popular know about it. I think too many parents are in the denial "Not my child, boys will be boys and let the kids work it out" mode. I know many Moms that get livid if you mention their kids are being mean, that is why I let the school handle it. Fortunately we don't have many kids in our neighborhood, we have to drive their friends in so we don't have that dynamic going on at home.

I work in 7th grade with 12 years old and those girls are horrid. I step in and have talks with them all the time. I think most teachers don't want to get involved but I let them know if their behavior is unacceptable. Sometimes they listen sometime they don't. In fact my teacher told me last week the girls are being mean to one girl so it will be time for a mandatory "lunch date with Mrs. K" to discuss what is going on. If I see kids sitting alone in the cafeteria I've observed and try to fit them in with other tables of kids. So far this year it has worked, I've gotten all the quiet loner boys in one table and now that the year is almost over I see them talking away and seeking each other out. I think grown ups need to step in and let the kids know how to behave, even in middle school.

 

[Lorix2]

Uggh..I feel for every one of the these kids.

My DD almost 11 now has been dealing with this for over 2 years now. Alot of you helped me with this exact situation here on the boards last year.

The same things happened to her, nothing you could really have the kids disciplined for, just the cruel treatment/looks, things they would say, etc..

I have told her to move on and ignore them, because if they see it gets to her, they will continue because they know they can. Alot of it stems from jealousy too, girls are just that way.

My DD to this day, would rather play the kids that hurt her feelings when they decide to be nice to her, then have nobody at all. She doesn't have a mean spirited side to her at all, to her the more the merrier and everybody is welcome, no matter what.

I think the most we can do at home is reassure them that there is nothing wrong with with them (your child) and that it will pass and these girls will probably never have true friendships and that our kids will because they'll never be as mean as them and that we love them.

I hope all our kids can work their way through these difficult times.

 

[Disney Ella]

All of your stories make me very sad. No child should have to deal with this, but it doesn't seem that there is any way to stop it. I think the kids are always going to be drawn back to the cool kids because they think "maybe this will be the one time they stop being mean and I really become a permanent cool kid."

I think you are all on the right track advising your kids to find loyal friends, not just cool friends. My kids haven't hit this stage yet, but it's only a matter of time. They are not mean, so I am worried about how they will deal with the mean kids.

 

[snookhams]

I am looking for advice on bullying at afterschool activities, my DS who is 11 is very tall for his age and is infact a gentle giant and has had numerous problems at school on and off for years. Well about 2 years ago we discovered that he is a great swimmer and attends a local swimming club, he has done well but now the bullying has started here, last night was a nightmare, I sat and watched whilst he was ignored, kicked, verbally abused etc etc by the other 3 boys in his lane all infront of the coach who says she saw nothing, I did not make an issue of it during the session as I did not want to make things worse for him, but I am really worried that he will just loose interest, I tell him to ignore them which he does quite well, but it still continues and his self esteem is at an all time low. I have been looking for some sort of assertiveness training but can't find anything for children only adults, I am really worried about him, so worried that it is affecting me it is 3.42 am and I can't sleep so thought I would investigate the net for advise. My main concern is that he will be changing schools in Sept. and only one or two children from his present school will move on with him, I want him to start afresh and be move possitive but I don't really know where to start.

 

[jamsmom]

My DS "best friend" told him at school that he (DS) doesn't have any friends and that no one likes him. I get so upset when kids are that mean. My DS has ADHD, OCD, and doesn't fit in easily. I wish I could take all his pain away!

 

[Piper]

I just did a "Friendship Book" for my second graders yesterday.

First--each child wrote 5 things they liked about themselves on a separate piece of paper.


Then we passed around the books. Each child wrote something "good" about every other child--then they gave them to me (supposedly so I could write my comments--but really so I could check them for unkind remarks--I am happy to say that they were all positive!) I added my remarks at lunch time and then gave them back in the afternoon. The kids spent a pleasant afternoon looking at their books.

They also added some of their peers comments to their page of things they liked. I heard things like, "Wow, I never thought of that." and "Yeah, I am a good jump roper." etc.

I hope it will help each child focus on their positive attributes!

 

[holycow]

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))) to all of you first of all.

I wish I could add some profound advice but I can't I have a DS who has been picked on since grade school and I even had a teacher tell me (yes, the boys pick on him because of his weight and he is fat)...(I almost punched her in the nose!) 3rd grade teacher!

He was in Chorus this year(8th grade) and really liked it but of course he was teased because of that..Then someone panteds him in Gym class and a few other incidences have happened. .I've always supported the ignore them, find other friends, I've had him do outside activites so his selfesteem wouldn't suffer. But to be honest the kid is terrified of going to High School so I'm taking drastic measures...I'm going to give him Karate lessons this summer...that way if push comes to shove he'll at least KNOW what to do if he is harrassed, threaten in any way. I'll let you know if it works or not.
(believe me I do not condone violence in anyway but I am tired of him living in fear of getting into a fight with someone......

Holycow