Advice re wedding invites

[dakcp2001]

Hi there! We are planning our wedding, and having some guest list issues. Please help me and DF clear up our disagreement. This is a destination wedding, so there is cost involved if people do attend. We obviously realize that not everyone can afford a trip, and well, even if they I am sure some people wouldnt want to use their vacation time or money for a trip to see someone elses wedding. And we are ok with that,we get it of course, and there will be no hard feelings if people cant come.

We would like to invite some extended family, but there are a decent amount of them we never see or speak to. But since they would find out about it, and frankly, it just seems rude to invite some and not others. They do all see each other on facebook etc, and they would know that some cousins were icnluded but not others.

My DF disagrees, and thinks that since its a destination wedding, its ok to just invite those we actually talk to and not invite the rest, and he thinks inviting the ones we never see is MORE rude, since there is no way they would actually come, and as he calls it, it is more of an "un-vitation" or gift grab and I agree that it would be weird to get an invite for a wedding they would never want to go to. We really NEVER see or speak to some of them, and they prob do not even know that me & DF are dating, let alone getting married.

So heres the big question is it more rude to NOT invite them, or more rude to invite them knowing they would never come or want to come?

BTW my solution is to invite ONLY immediate family, no aunts uncles cousins, but DF wants "some" to be included. I want NONE lol that way we can just say "we kept it small with just fam"

 

[EthansMom]

My DH and I had families on opposite coasts. At the time we married, we could have our wedding on one coast (and pretty much exclude all of the other side) or vice versa. We opted to have an "immediate-family-only" wedding. IMO, it was much more fair to invite only immediate family.

Could you have a reception later at home and invite everyone?

 

[Disney Doll]

Invite the people you would like to see at your wedding. They will decide whether or not they'll be able to come.

 

[NotUrsula]

Traditionally, you also have announcements printed to go out to those who would want to know you had married, but who would not be expected to attend the wedding. Those are normally mailed on the wedding day. Getting one of these does NOT obligate the recipient to send a gift.

I think that your answer is that when questioned, you can say that you only invited those whom you are emotionally closest to, since attending the wedding was such an expensive proposition, and because the venue was small.

 

[vettechick99]

Only invite those very close to you. That you talk to on a consistent basis - like monthly at the very least. Everyone else doesn't matter. We thought about what the point of a wedding really was and ended up eloping. Haven't regretted it, even 4 years later!

 

[Rora]

As a bride trying to plan her wedding with family members on both coasts, I understand what you are going through.

I don't even talk to half of these people that we are "expected" to invite. BUT, I am inviting them. Honestly, if I haven't talked to them in 6 months, they probably won't come anways. Yet if they choose to, they are more than welcome-- the more the merrier!

In your situation, I would just invite the family members as to not create hard feelings. Since you are having a destination wedding, they probably won't come anyways- then it's a win win situation.

Good luck!

EDIT: I know everyone says "It's your wedding, do what you want, to heck with anyone who gives you grief!" and while that is very true, sometimes I feel like having that attitude creates more grief for you and your DF. But, maybe I just have a crazy family..

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with your DF. I wouldn't invite people that I don't talk to or see to a destination wedding.

Keep it current friends and family.

Inviting people you never see is a traditional wedding.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Invite those that you are close to and that you really want to be there to celebrate your wedding (do it this way even though you are having a destination wedding). You are not obligated to invite all the extended family members "just because they are family".

 

[prncssmel]

Traditionally, you also have announcements printed to go out to those who would want to know you had married, but who would not be expected to attend the wedding. Those are normally mailed on the wedding day. Getting one of these does NOT obligate the recipient to send a gift.

I think that your answer is that when questioned, you can say that you only invited those whom you are emotionally closest to, since attending the wedding was such an expensive proposition, and because the venue was small.

I agree. Invite who you want and send announcements to the others.

We had a small ceremony, so we only invited those who we were close to. We invited all the other people to the reception. I was worried, but no one said anything about not being invited to the ceremony.

 

[ilovejack02]

I had a destination wedding. Only invited the few I knew would show up. The rest got announcements.

 

[friendofgusgus]

We had a small DW at WDW.

We decided to make sure that everyone outside the immediate family that we invited (my sorority sister, one of my aunts) or someone in their immediate family had a part in the wedding. Not necessarily a member of the bridal party, but some kind of responsibility - reading, aisle walker, something.

That way if anyone asked why one aunt had been invited but not the others, I could reply, "She was part of the ceremony/reception/etc."

Just an idea - it worked well for us!

Good luck to you!

 

[Handbag Lady]

First off, take into account your budget.

How many can you afford to invite? I assume you will have a destination reception, which needs to be factored into your overall budget. (Plus the cost of invites, party favors, table decorations, or whatever the destination wedding location can handle. Perhaps the ceremony site can only be for 50 guests?)

Once you come up with a number, start there. Say that with what you want and have planned and budgeted, you can have X number of guests. Tell your DF this number and let them see how the number was discovered.

Start writing down names starting with parents and siblings and then aunts and then and maid of honor/best man and wedding party and then closer friends and then the rest of the extended family. Stop when you hit your number. Send these people invites and do announcements for the rest.

If you already have a good idea of who can and who can't come (perhaps your two aunties have already wished your new life well but can't travel or whatever and your sister is 8 months pregnant and can't travel or whatever) then you can still send these people invites to feel included and then up your count by 4 or however many you know won't come without already getting the RSVP.

This way, you ALWAYS have a logical reason to invite who you invite, no feelings are hurt and better yet, you and your DF can't fight over it!

I wish you well and enjoy the wedding process! I LOVED planning my wedding.

 

[maelstrom]

My cousin had a "destination wedding" in Hawaii, and later had a reception-type party in Ohio (where she lived at the time) for everyone who couldn't come to the wedding in Hawaii.

 

[dakcp2001]

we have kicked around the idea of an at home reception, but we are prob not going to have one. Perhaps a big BBQ or something, not sure yet.