Advice re: '08 Disney trip - family driving me nuts!

[shelby22]

I'll try to keep this short. Husband and I took our kids down at the beginning of free dining this year. Hated the heat but loved the trip with the added value of free dining. We agreed while there that if they offered it again we'd be back with the kids grandparents in tow. Cool. We told them and they all agreed to it. I even talked my mom's non-traveling husband into seeing the grandkids at Disney and he agreed to budget for it and plan to go.

My mom drops the bombshell today - one of my brothers and his longtime girlfriend just got back from a cruise and loved it. Next year they want to go on an Alaskan cruise and take her parents and my mom and her husband. They even offered to pay. Can you guess when? Two weeks in September - yep right when we have Disney free dining trip tentatively planned for if they offer it again. According to brother's girlfriend, September is the only time they do this cruise... .

So to say I'm more than a little ticked at my mom that she would even consider going with them instead of us is an understatement. She knows I'm mad - I'm not known for restraining myself! Should I talk to my brother and tell him to look for another alaskan cruise line (surely there are cruises other than in September) or should I just drop it and forget 'bout my whacked out mom and never try to do any favors for her with that husband of hers again?

Families -guaranteed to drive you nuts!

 

[Aliceacc]

Forgive me if this sounds critical; it isn't meant to.

But who is the favor for? It seems to me as though mom and her hubby want to see Alaska. Why be so annoyed that they're actually doing what they want to do? They're elderly and want to see glaciers and not endure the heat that you admit you hated.

For what it's worth, I would make the same choice. Disney is wonderful, but... a free cruise to ALASKA??

And, for the record, "that husband of hers" probably didn't have much say. He probably said "Honey, they're your kids, you decide."

Your husband's parents are still on board, right? And even if not, all it means is that you get to save the money you would have spent on your parents, right?

Wish them a wondeful cruise and have a bottle of champagne delivered to their stateroom.

 

[crisi]

You don't know if you are even going - free dining may or may not be offered this year (and if it is, the dining plan itself has undergone considerable changes). Cruises need to be booked months out. So you MIGHT take a vacation this fall that they are invited to come along for (and pay for), or your brother will book them now on a vacation he pays for.

Now, with that in mind, put yourself in your parents shoes. A free vacation in hand today, or a vacation that might be taken this fall, but might fall through?

 

[jenseib]

I can understand you being mad. I would probably be too. But they have been offered a FREE trip, and you weren't going to pay for their trip to Disney. I do know that Alsakan trips are only offered certain times of the year. Have you said anything to your mom? Like I thought we were going to go to Disney then? Or maybe go in Aug and then they can do both?

 

[shelby22]

My mistake - not a free trip by any means. They'd have to pay either way. Does that change your view at all?

I guess here's the other thing, my brother and his girlfriend take hugely expensive vacations all the time and money really is no object to them. They could do this anytime.

My husband and I are only doing Disney this one time with no future trips on the table. It is sort of the trip of a lifetime. Our families were both on board with seeing the kid's faces the first time they saw the castle. Both of my kids are at an age where it's all real to them which makes it a perfect time to go. Next year might not be like that. With both of our jobs, we also might not be in a position where a Disney trip is possible next year.

My brother can do his cruise anytime!

 

[crisi]

No, it doesn't change my mind. You have no committment to go, just a vague idea you might. Your brother is proposing a committment. Had you made a committment to the trip and your parents had committed to going with you, that would change my mind.

 

[Aliceacc]

Nope, my opinion hasn't changed either. Thi s isn't about your brother, it's about your mom.

Your mom and her husband are in their golden years. They should be able to do what they want without getting grief from their kids.

At some point, it seems this "favor" has become an "obligation."

Friday was the 5th anniversary of my dad's death. I can't tell you how much I wish that he somehow had gotten to see Alaska before he got sick. If it meant that my own plans had to change, I know I could live happily with that.

Again, I repeat: send them with Bon Voyage wishes, and have some champagne delivered to their stateroom.

 

[bumbershoot]

Since your mom knows how you feel, what has she said? Surely she's given a reason for wanting to go to Alaska vs Orlando. In September. In the heat of Orlando with lots of walking vs the relative cool of Alaska in the late summer with lots of lounging.

"and never try to do any favors for her with that husband of hers again?"

What favors did you do?


Don't get me wrong, I wish that family would take their agreements seriously, and have conversations rather than setting things in stone. I do.

But if it were a choice between an Alaskan cruise and WDW, I'd have a hard time. We went to Alaska on RCCL for our honeymoon, and it was INCREDIBLE.

That said, I don't know what cruise line they are on, but the Alaska cruise season is all through summer. September is actually the end of the season.

But this is a two week cruise? Wow, that's unusual. So maybe it is a smaller line, and maybe it is only that time...


Anyway, you need to have discussions with your mom about this. Ask questions, tell her your feelings, find out HER feelings.

 

[twooley2]

Shelby I have to say poeple should not say or agree to going on a trip if they arent going to stick to it. I think Disney involves a lot of planning and many of us get into it and feel a type of ownership to the work put into planning. Although would you really want anyone along that wants to be somewhere else? I would not. I would put the planning into doing a more expansive/ elaborated trip without the grandparents in turn for them not going. It takes a select few to understand how important Disney is to many of us and the desire to share it with newbies or make it an expanded family reunion of sorts, heck Disney even encourages people to bring others.

 

[jenseib]

It does change my opinion a bit. I think you should at least let your mom know you are hurt and/ or ask why she changed her plans.
But I would also just then let it go after that. I think it would be nice to go with my parens, (I have once with my mom with my older two), but it can drag you down a bit too. LOL! I wanted to do certai nthings and she wanted to do others, and then she just wasn't as fast paced as me. With a larger group there tends to be more stopping and things like that too. I actually would love a trip just by myself. LOL! No one to drag me down. I could go as early and stay as late as I wanted. With my kids and DH not all get up early enough and then they get tired. Dang fools! LOL!

 

[disykat]

Your parents really need to be able to determine where they will spend their own vacation dollars.

I can see where you are hurt, but it's probably not about YOU - it's about the destination. They had to be talked into Disney, but are excited about an Alaska cruise. My parents would feel the same.

 

[stone0990]

My mom drops the bombshell today - one of my brothers and his longtime girlfriend just got back from a cruise and loved it. Next year they want to go on an Alaskan cruise and take her parents and my mom and her husband. They even offered to pay.

I guess I am confused? Are they offering to pay for the trip for your mom and husband or not? In the original post this was implied.

However, it really doesn't change my mind at all.

I think your mom and her husband should choose what THEY want to do!! I have been to Disney in September..HOT HOT HOT!!!! I have also been to Disney with my parents..at Christmas when the weather is MUCH cooler! And my parents (VERY active) had a hard time keeping up with us. In fact, I swore I would NEVER do it again!! We had to really cater the vacation to their needs, not ours! It actually kind of ruined the "DISNEY MAGIC" for us!! They just didn't "GET IT" like we do!!! They would much prefer a trip to Alaska!! (FYI...the trip was a gift from them to us as they wanted to see Disney through their grandchildrens eyes!! We had returned from a family vacation and just could not stop talking about how great Disney was...that was when they approached us with the Christmas idea.) In the end, they just did not have fun!!!

Having said that, there are people who just "get" Disney..no matter what their ages..and some do not!! I would ask myself, since you HAVE been there, is it REALLY something they would enjoy..or is it something your mom is willing to do to please YOU...her daughter??

I am an only child, so I do not have to compete with siblings, so that part I do not understand!! If it is really important to you, rather than angry, talk to your mom, or your brother and see if their is a way for ALL of you to enjoy their vacations!!

There are always two sides to every story!! And unless you explain to your mom your feelings, there is nothing she can do about it!!

**I also do not understand how your moms husband became the bad guy in all of this...it seems it is between you, your brother and your mother..he probably feels really caught in the middle of all this...or he may not even know what is going on!!!

JMO!!

Alicia

 

[Heluvsme]

Just to add another viewpoint, my husband's mom and dad have always chosen to do things with their daughter and her family, always. They even retired and moved to her town in a different state to be near them. They are very close, it's something we've always known and accepted.

My dh would LOVE to have his parents with us on a trip to Disney, well, ANY trip actually. He's very hungry to spend time with them, and I understand that completely.

If his parents had said they would join us, then backed out to be with his sister and her family, my dh would feel so dejected and sad over it. Would he understand? Yes he would, free is free after all, but still he would feel sad and dejected.

I understand your hurt feelings, and I think I would be hurt too. They did say they'd be with you, now they're choosing your brother, it's too bad your brother can't choose a different week to go.

 

[Cruz91]

My in-laws are in 'good' financial shape. Not wealthy, but can certainly afford to do whatever they want when they want. We made it well known we were going back, and hinted that they were welcome to join us. They have no interest in doing so. Our kids are 6 and 4 and are SO FUN to watch in Disney. That's why we go so often - it brightens our days to see the joy through their eyes. I personally think it's sad that, though they have the means, they do not have the interest in soaking up every minute you can with your family in such special situations.

Contrast that with my mom. She has not always made the best choices in life, and so now she finds herself at retirement age with little money and few choices in life. She would, however, give a kidney to go back to Disney with us. Thankfully, my wife and I are in the position that we were able to give her a very special Christmas present. We're taking her back with us and paying for all of her expenses (airfare, park tickets, food, the works - even giving her a little spending cash).

The bottom line is - as much as you WANT people to feel a certain way or do a certain thing, at the end of the day you can not control the way the feel or what they do. Trying to do so also wastes a lot of your good energy. And in the end, would you really want them there if you forced their hand or guilted them into it? I do feel sorry for my children for not having one set of grandparents around. I do feel sorry for my in-laws that they can't take joy in the simple things in life like their grandchildren's laughter. I also feel a great sense of happiness for my kids, though, that they have a mom and dad and one grandmother who will never minimize their feelings and who will cherish ever moment we have with them.