Advice please.

WNDMom

Mom to Will, Drew and Noah
Joined
Oct 19, 2004
Messages
552
I have two year old twins. One of them is a biter, and bites his twin quite often. Drew has about four or five old bites, and Noah bit him again tonight. Any advice? I've tried spanking and shunning him. Nothing seems to work, because when Noah is desperate, he bites.

Our older child was a biter too, but he grew out of it. He didn't have the opportunities for biting that Noah has. Poor Drew! We don't have the luxury of waiting for him to grow out of it.
 
I can only offer time out sessions. Take him away from his twin - maybe the separation will affect your son (positively).
 
PLEASE don't spank or shun your child for this behavior, it is VERY common in toddlers and needs to be dealt with in a firm and LOVING way.

Here is one of HUNDREDS of articles that may help. Do a google search on toddler biting and you will find many resources:

A worried mother asks, “Today at our play group my son BIT my friend’s daughter! My friend acted like it was a normal childhood problem, and told me not to worry about it, but I’m horrified! Why did my son do this? How can I prevent it from happening again?”

Learn about it
Your friend has obviously had some experience with toddlers, and she knows that biting a playmate is common in this age group (perhaps her daughter has already been on the other side of the action.) Toddlers don’t have the words to describe their emotions, they don’t quite know how to control their feelings, and they don’t have any concept of hurting another person. When a toddler bites a friend, it most likely isn’t an act of aggression: It is simply an immature way of trying to get a point across, experimentation with cause and effect, or playfulness gone awry.

What not to do about biting
Many parents respond emotionally when their toddler uses his teeth on another human being; their immediate response is anger, followed by punishment. This is because we view the act from an adult perspective. However, if we can understand that a toddler bite is most likely a responsive reflex, we can avoid responding in the following typical, yet unnecessary and ineffective ways:

* Don’t bite your child back to “show him how it feels.” He isn’t purposefully hurting his playmate. He doesn’t understand that what he did is wrong, so by responding with the same action you may actually be reinforcing that this is an acceptable behavior, or confusing him entirely.

* Don’t assume that your child is willfully misbehaving. The ways that you’ll treat these behaviors in an older child, who understands that biting is wrong, will be different than how you will approach this with a toddler.

* Don’t yell at your toddler. This will do nothing more than scare her; it won’t teach her anything about what she’s just done.

What to do about biting
When you understand that your child’s actions are normal, and that they aren’t intentional misbehavior, you will be able to take the right steps to teach her how to communicate her anger and frustration. This takes time, and she’ll need more than one lesson. Here’s how to teach your child not to bite:

* Watch and intercept
As you become familiar with your toddler’s actions, you may be able to stop a bite even before it even occurs. If you see that your child is getting frustrated or angry – perhaps in the middle of a tussle over a toy – step in and redirect her attention to something else.

* Teach
Immediately after your toddler bites another child, look her in the eye and tell her in one or two short sentences what you want her to know, such as, “Biting hurts. We don’t bite. Give Emmy a hug now. That will make her feel better.” Then, give your child a few hints on how she should handle her frustration next time; “If you want a toy, you can ask for it or come to Mommy for help.”

* Avoid playful biting
Nibbling your little one’s toes or playfully nipping his fingers sends a mixed message to your child. A little one won’t understand when biting another person is okay and when it’s not, nor is she able to judge the pressure she’s putting into the bite. As she gets a little older, she will start to understand that some things can be done carefully and gently in play, but not in anger. This takes a little more maturity to understand ¾ more than you can expect your toddler to have at her young age.

* Give more attention to the injured child
Typically, we put all our energy into correcting the biter’s actions and we don’t give the child who was bitten any consolation. Soothing the child who was bitten can show your child that his actions caused another child fear or pain. You can even encourage your child to help sooth his friend.

* The repeat offender
If you’ve gone though the above steps, and then your child bites again, you can respond with a little more intensity. If you catch him in the act, immediately go to him. Take him by the shoulders, look him in the eye, and firmly announce, “No biting: time-out.” Direct him to a chair and have him sit for a minute or two. It doesn’t take very long for your message to sink in. (And, with a toddler, a longer time-out can dilute the message as he may actually forget why he’s sitting there!)

If you miss the action, but are told about it later, you can have a talk with your child about what happened. Limit yourself to a few brief, specific comments, as a lengthy lecture is almost never effective. A child who bites a playmate more than once may need more guidance on how to handle frustration and anger. Reading toddler books on the topic, role-playing, and demonstration of appropriate actions can all help your child learn how to respond to his own emotions in socially appropriate ways.
 
I don't agree with everything written in the above article.

OP: What causes your child to bite? I mean, when does he do it?

I don't think that passive punishment necessarily works for everything (as described in the previous post) . I don't beat or hurt my kids at all, but I think raising my voice to them lets them know who is in charge. I'm not worried about scaring them.
 

As a triplet, and a reformed toddler biter, I have some insight. :teeth: I, the youngest by a few minutes, and one sister, the oldest by few minutes, used to bite the middle one. Our pediatrician told our mother she could not discipline us for it, it had to come from the bitee. So our mother told her to bite us back. At first she was too passive, so I think our mother put our hands in her mouth a time or two. After that she developed a taste for it :teeth: and would bite of her own accord. After once or twice of seeing what it was like on the toothy end, we apparently stopped. (The reason I know this is because she told us about it when we were older, we thought it was funny). I think we did it simply because we could. Don't know if this advice is like a lot of parenting/medical advice older than 10 minutes--outmoded and outdated--but it worked.
 
I'll agree with Alliecats.
My nephew was three years younger than me and a big time biter. I was afraid I'd get in trouble if I retaliated for his biting. My sister told me to bite him and that was all it took. He bit me, I bit him, he never bit me again!

My son liked to bite. I told him he couldn't bite his sisters, but he could bite his blankie if he was mad...it worked too. He finally grew out of it.
 
HeatherH said:
PLEASE don't spank or shun your child for this behavior, it is VERY common in toddlers and needs to be dealt with in a firm and LOVING way.

Here is one of HUNDREDS of articles that may help. Do a google search on toddler biting and you will find many resources:


Let me preface this by saying, I realize we all have different parenting styles and I didn't mean for this to turn into a debate about them. I just want to explain where I'm coming from.

I do know that biting is common among toddlers as I have already read many articles about biting. Also, I faced the same problem with my older child, but as I mentioned previously, he didn't have many opportunities for biting other children. He mostly bit me. So, I could be patient and loving for a long time with him.

Also, I do not usually spank my children. I was very loving with Noah about this at first, but he kept biting Drew. He breaks the skin and leaves bruises. Drew has 8 bite marks on his back and arms from the last week. It hurts him very badly, and he cries harder from the bites than he ever cries.

Someone asked why he bites. It's almost always over a toy or pacifier. Sometimes he wants to stand where Drew is standing, so he pushes him or bites.

I know he isn't a mean child, in fact he has a sweet little heart (I can tell!). I know he won't bite forever. He doesn't understand the consequenses of his actions ( he just turned 2, after all). I do realize all of these things!

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I will try getting him to bite other things when he's a little older. He wouldn't understand me if I tried that now. They both had ear tubes in April, and still haven't caught up linguistically.

I tried to get Drew to bite him back, but Drew will not do it! Besides, I'm afraid he'd turn into a biter too!
 
katon said:
I know he isn't a mean child, in fact he has a sweet little heart (I can tell!). I know he won't bite forever. He doesn't understand the consequenses of his actions ( he just turned 2, after all). I do realize all of these things!
Thanks to everyone for the advice. I will try getting him to bite other things when he's a little older. He wouldn't understand me if I tried that now.
Don't underestimate what a 2 year old understands. They can understand a lot more than they can express. I would try giving him something else to bite like one of those teething rings on a washcloth. Also maybe place him in a playpen and let him play there separate from his brother. Sorry you bit your brother so now you must play alone. And the injured party gets to toy or pacifier being argued over or it is removed altogether.
 
I agree with alliecats, too! I used to playfully slap my high school boyfriend on the leg/arm/shoulder when I was excited or trying to get his attention. Apparently it really got on his nerves so he started to pop me back. Well it only took two times before I corrected my irritating behavior.

Is it an option to try that?
 
I agree with allie cats... I babysit and when I am playing with the kids and they bite me, I dont play with them..That seems to get them not biting me.
 


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