Advice on absent parent?! (really long)

[minniemommy2]

I know some people don't like it when a new person posts things like this. But, I assure you this is real. I have been on the boards for several years. I made this new user name to keep people INR from knowing who I am.

I would like some advice on a situation. I have been divorced for about 3 years. I have 2 kids. They have not seen their father in almost 2 years. He is supposed to have visitation every other weekend. When we divorced he had a drug problem. He is supposedly clean now. He has not wanted to see them consistently. He only calls when he wants to(which is usually when he has a girlfriend he wants to show them off to.) He only calls evey 4-6 months asking about them. He has not had his own home until this past month. He works out of town and is only in town on the weekends. So, he was just staying with whoever would let him.

Fast forward to the last month. He called a month ago wanting to see them. We were gone all weekend, so I didnt know he had called till we got home. When I talked to him, he told me he had gotten married and wanted to see the kids. He was going to be out of town for 3 weeks. I told him we would talk about it closer to time for him to come home. I saw his sister-in-law(his family still likes me), and she told me about the situation. She said he had only know the woman for a about a month, and he had been out of town 3 of those weeks. They got married as soon as he got back into town. His family thinks he has lost his mind. They said the woman is crazy and on drugs. They also think she is still married(to someone else). She has 2 kids, one of them she hasnt seen in years(supposedly). They told me the kids did not need to be around this woman.

A few days later, he calls me from out of town. He tells me that he found out the woman had already cheated on him and that he found out she was on crystal meth. He says that he is going to get an annulment if possible or divorce if he has to. He wants to see the kids when he gets home. I told him he needed to get his life straightened out first.

This week he calls and says he is home and wants the kids this weekend. He has decided he is staying with this woman. I told him that my kids were not going to be around this woman that he has told me is on drugs.

Sidenote: He has always had an anger problem. Every other word out of his mouth is a cuss word. Also, he always has a beer in his hand if he is not at work. When he is out of town he gets drunk almost every night after work.

My kids are 8 and 4. I would really like any advice you have.


I am sorry this is sooo long. (sorry popdaddy)

Thanks for reading this far.

 

[L107ANGEL]

Keep your children as far away from these loons as possible

 

[tkd lisa]

I'd call my lawyer and see what they recommend. If the court has authorized visitation like you say they have, you "denying" that visitation can be a negative if he goes to court for his rights.

I'd imagine you can request a temporary injunction of the visitation while the court system evaluates the current situation.

I would also say that I wouldn't let my kids see him. But as an option, since you are still close to his family, can you set up a supervised visitation type setting, where he sees the kids, but with the rest of the family there?

 

[RadioNate]

I'd talk to the courts. What are your legally 'supposed' to be doing for visitation?

I wouldn't let my children around someone like that. While my father is clean and sober now he wasn't when I was a child. My mom did allow visitation and I don't think it was necessarily for the best.

I think you need to do things legally and if that means police and court involvement so be it. Your kids can decide when they are older if they want a relationship with their dad. I just can't imagine sending a 4 year old on a weekend with a man he/she hasn't seen in 2 years.

If you feel you must do a visit, I'd make sure you met up in a public place and people your children knew were there. Father or not, they don't know this man.

 

[jeast]

I would run, not walk, to the courthouse to see what you can do legally. It sounds like he may be a real risk for your children, emotionally and physically.

 

[minniemommy2]

Thank you all for replying so quickly.

Right now, legally he is supposed to have them every other weekend from 6pm on Fri. to 6 pm on Sun( and he is supposed to see that they go to our church if he has them). He has not seen them since the week after christmas of 2004. And that visit was at my mothers house so he could give then their christmas presents. The last visit he had before that was for 1 day on a Sat. He came and got them that morning, took them to his sisters house, he slept half of the day, while his girlfriend(who was literally psyco) took care of them, them he brought them home that afternoon.

I have told him that he can see them, but that they are not going to go off with him. And they are especially not going to spend the night. I do not know where he lives, just that he rented a house. And he doesn't want to tell me where it is. He is one of those people that it has to be his way or not at all. He says if they can't go with him , then he won't see them with other people. I tell him that is his decision.

Per our papers, He was supposed to tell me where he lives. And once he got a home of his own, I was supposed to be able to see it and approve it(reasonably) before they went there.

Like I said before, he only calls every few months. And sometimes he just calls wanting to talk to me (about nothing) and doesn't even ask about the kids.

 

[StanH]

Keep your children as far away from these loons as possible

Yep. Sounds like you know what you have to do and are only wanting confirmation. Your job is to protect your kids.

Good luck.

 

[jeast]

Smart response. You know what you are doing. Good job!

 

[holycow]

Why is there any question?????? Do you want your children to be around this man?????/ HellOOOOOOOO


if he is sincere and really wants to see his children. Then meet him at a park for an hour or so....but DO NOT leave them alone with this man!!!!



Holycow
Lisa

 

[taximomfor4]

Does he have legal visitation rights? As in, awarded in court papers? If so, talk to your lawyer about this. You may want to pursue supervised visitation. In the meantime, can you work out with him and one of his family members (you said they get along with you well) to give THEM the kids for him to visit at THEIR house? Once again, talk to your lawyer first.

Supervised visitation, at least here where I live, can be awarded with the supervisor being someone mutually agreed upon, or it can be awarded in a certain place with court-appointed supervisors.

 

[RadioFanatic]

hugs to you - I'm so sorry. Question - does he seem like the type to actually get and pay for an attorney to fight this? if not, I wouldn't worry about it too much other than (a) calling your attorney to give them a heads up; (b) get agreements from HIS family to assist you in a fight, if necessary; and (c) start a journal about all of his past misdeeds and everything he does or doesn't do in relation to you and the kids. Good luck to you.

 

[FormrCastMbr]

I have a jerk for an ex too...not drugs but gambling bad enough to have threatening calls made to my house...$40k + debt I would say

...you need to do everything in your power to keep the kids safe...call a lawyer. You do not want your kids around this woman and the drugs...and it sounds like your ex is not in the right state of mind...

Good luck!

 

[minniemommy2]

Thanks to everyone for responding.

I guess it's not so much of a question of should I let them see him or not. It's more of a legal worry, I guess. I wish things were different and that they could see him. But, I will not put them into a situation where they could be hurt(in any way).

I have always felt that if he really wanted to see them, he would agree to seeing them somewhere, instead of insisting that they go with him. I do worry about how not seeing him will affect them, but not nearly as much as I worry about what could happen to them if they were with him.

I guess I am worried about what could happen if I take it back to court. Things don't always go the way they should with our court system. And it is pretty much up to the judge then, and they dont always care what they are doing to other peoples live. I have seen people have custody of their kids that shouldn't even be allowed around them. I guess I have just seen so many cases the the wrong way that I worry about it.

Thanks again for all the advice.

 

[Lynn CC]

A Big to you and your children. I hope everything goes your way. You mut be so worried about this. I can't see the courts letting your children being exposed to that kind of situation. I would let them know how you want your children raised and that you don't want them seeing people under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I don't see how they can argue with that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would seek out your lawyer, find out the steps necessary to terminate his rights.
You sound like you could have a case. He does not regularly visit and is with a druggie. Plus he sounds like he is not following the divorce orders, right?

Meanwhile stall, stall, stall....I bet he would not put up much of a ruckus and if you think he will perhaps try and suggest something supervised...like a party at Chuckie Cheese so he gets appeased and gives you more stalling time.

Be creative and above all else, do not let them go with him with a crazy woman on drugs.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think the wisest course of action is to call an attorney and sit down and tell him/her what you have told us, with regard to the court ordered visitation, the actual visitation that has taken place, the history of ex-H and his many "loves", nonoe of whom sound like good people for young children to be exposed to.

Is he supposed to pay you child support? Has he? If not, that would probably work in your favor with regard to him not holding up his end of the "bargain".

Legal advice is what you need.

 

[mickeyboat]

I think the wisest course of action is to call an attorney and sit down and tell him/her what you have told us, with regard to the court ordered visitation, the actual visitation that has taken place, the history of ex-H and his many "loves", nonoe of whom sound like good people for young children to be exposed to.

Is he supposed to pay you child support? Has he? If not, that would probably work in your favor with regard to him not holding up his end of the "bargain".

Legal advice is what you need.

I agree, get legal advice. I think you need to document all of your misgivings about your ex, and ask for the court to modify visitation - at least require it be supervised.

However, in most cases, failure to pay court-ordered child support is NOT grounds to deny visitation. I doubt you could legally withhold visitation unless you felt the children were in grave and immediate danger.

I am not making light of your concerns, because I would not let my kids go in your situation, no matter what the consequence to me. But you need to work on getting something permanent done, legally, to deal with this in the long term.

Denae

 

[dis4harley]

 

[Off2DisIGo]

Call your lawyer asap to find out what you can do to keep your kids safe and away from this man. And maybe it's just me, but it would be a huge red flag that he has decided to stay w/ a woman he knows is using drugs. IF he's clean right now, he won't be for long....

 

[christineann]

Call your lawyer now. You might look into getting a guardian ad litem to be an advocate for the children and to decide as a 3rd party if visitation would be in the children's best interest. I would risk the wrath of family court before I would let the kids go with him, and chances are, he might not fight you on it since he knows he could go to jail for his activities.

Hope everything turns out well for you and your children.