Advice Needed...

[jAcKs_x0]

Hey guys! So usually I'm a lurker, or I post on my parents username NJ2Boardwalk, but this would be too weird to post under their name. Now I know a lot of you are younger, but I'm pretty sure there are still some teens around here that are my age, like 17. I figured you'd be able to help. Here goes a long post so bare with me...

About a year and a half ago, I met this guy. He was incredibly amazing. Anyways, we started dating last april and broke up in september. All because another girl got in between us. Unfortunately, this manipulative girl, who was a mutual friend, somehow convinced him into breaking up with me and dating her. Eventually they started dating. Throughout their relationship the boy had his cycle. He would text me, we would talk and hook up, and then he would say he missed me and still loved me and then said he was going to break up with her. He never did, we fought over something, and then we stopped talking. It was an on and off cycle since we broke up in september. Well he finally broke up with the girl a few weeks ago. Naturally we started talking again. I really wanted to figure things out between us. At this point I didn't care how we ended up, I just wanted answers (he was never good at saying how he felt). So we hung out and had an amazing time. He let his guard down and set his emotions free. I can tell he still loves me. Well after he left we got to talking. He has been going back and forth between us being friends, or friends with benefits, or dating. He just always falls back to "I don't want to date you". And when I ask him why he says just that, that he doesn't want to date me. Its so hard to understand from my point of view because he shows me he loves me. He wants to be friends, no hooking up, just natural friends. I wish we could be just that, but we have too deep of a physical connection to try to be just friends. And we both agreed on that. So I brought up cutting off all ties, and just saying goodbye, for good. Not like we've done in the past with the on and off thing. We agreed to that and said goodbye last night. I'm just so sad. It's so hard to say goodbye.

Sorry for the long post I just truly don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much, and I still feel like he loves me. Whether he chooses to ignore his feelings or not, I just can tell. I obviously don't force him to date me or love me or anything. It's just what he tells me/shows me that makes me believe he does. So basically my question is, should I let go? Am I doing the right thing by cutting off all ties? Or should I try to stay friends with him? Or should I just ignore everything and talk to him like we never had this conversation in hopes that maybe he will change his mind? I don't know. I'm really at a loss. My friends and family don't know what to say anymore. So I figured you guys, who were removed from the situation could help me.

Thanks so much for taking time to read this, it means alot.

 

[WDWsweetsixteengirl]

Maybe you should still talk to him but not be friends. It sounds like you were really stressed because of him and if your that stressed it's not healthy. It's not worth it if it's unhealthy. Plus things go end up bad if you do date him. I used to stress out over this guy that was my exboyfriend and even though he had broken my heart I still wanted him back. So when he asked me to be his girlfriend again I said sure and then out of nowhere he dumped me and broke my heart. So, this is just my opion, but maybe not talking to him could be for the best.

 

[MickeyisBeast]

Saying goodbye was the best thing to do. This dude sounds like a total jerk, breaking up with you for a friend. He's not worth it. And it sounds like he was just using you, not that he really loved you. I don't know, I don't know him I'm just saying what it sounds like. Anyways, he seems like a jerk and you could do much better. If he doesn't want to date you, and won't give you a reason it'd obvious he doesn't love you entirely, because if he did he'd either give you a reason or he'd go to the end of the earth to be with you.

You'll move on, this guy doesn't seem worth the sadness you're feeling

 

[DisGirlAllie]

I agree with Sara, I think you need to say goodbye. Maybe I read it wrong, but it sounds like you helped him cheat on this girl. That right there is a sign that this isn't a good relationship for you to have.

 

[jAcKs_x0]

Maybe you should still talk to him but not be friends. It sounds like you were really stressed because of him and if your that stressed it's not healthy. It's not worth it if it's unhealthy. Plus things go end up bad if you do date him. I used to stress out over this guy that was my exboyfriend and even though he had broken my heart I still wanted him back. So when he asked me to be his girlfriend again I said sure and then out of nowhere he dumped me and broke my heart. So, this is just my opion, but maybe not talking to him could be for the best.

I wouldn't say stressed, but then again maybe I would. It was just so confusing and my heart was in one place, while my head was in another. I'm pretty sure it could be classified as an unhealthy relationship, but then again, I'm not positive. And you are right, I couldn't imagine being heartbroken and going back through what I went through this whole year. I mean its been a full school year since we originally broke up. Granted we haven't stopped talking since, but still, I'm still in pieces. Thanks for your opinion though, and I'm sorry for your broken heart. PM me if you ever want to talk about it. I'm good at giving advice, just not good at listening to it for myself.

Saying goodbye was the best thing to do. This dude sounds like a total jerk, breaking up with you for a friend. He's not worth it. And it sounds like he was just using you, not that he really loved you. I don't know, I don't know him I'm just saying what it sounds like. Anyways, he seems like a jerk and you could do much better. If he doesn't want to date you, and won't give you a reason it'd obvious he doesn't love you entirely, because if he did he'd either give you a reason or he'd go to the end of the earth to be with you.

You'll move on, this guy doesn't seem worth the sadness you're feeling

Using me, I'm not sure. Maybe your right, but I feel like the way he went about things he ended up using me but not intentionally. Although, I made it easy for him to use me. Which is my fault. And I know in words that sounds right, and believe me I'm crazy for not believing you about it, but I feel like no matter what he loved me. There are so many feelings and things that get between us, including that girl still, that just don't make us possible. But thank you so much for your kind words <3

I agree with Sara, I think you need to say goodbye. Maybe I read it wrong, but it sounds like you helped him cheat on this girl. That right there is a sign that this isn't a good relationship for you to have.

Reading it is alot harder to digest. I wouldn't necessarily call it "help him" cheating, because he came to me about it, but I had every reason to. As much as it would suck to be the other girl, it's her fault for manipulating a relationship that obviously wasn't supposed to end. It sounds so mean, but she had it coming. She started dating him a week and a half after we broke up, and bad mouthed me every second she could, when I never did anything to her. So that in and of itself is my reason for revenge. I don't like being the "other girl" and it's horrible, but when it came down to it, I don't regret it.

 

[MickeyisBeast]

Using me, I'm not sure. Maybe your right, but I feel like the way he went about things he ended up using me but not intentionally. Although, I made it easy for him to use me. Which is my fault. And I know in words that sounds right, and believe me I'm crazy for not believing you about it, but I feel like no matter what he loved me. There are so many feelings and things that get between us, including that girl still, that just don't make us possible. But thank you so much for your kind words <3
.

I totally understand about how you feel about him. You're always going to have feelings for him, and the love you feel for him can often blind you from the negative things about him. I'm sure he didn't "use you" on purpose, but that's just how it sounded to me You're welcome, I hope everything works out for you

 

[DisGirlAllie]

Reading it is alot harder to digest. I wouldn't necessarily call it "help him" cheating, because he came to me about it, but I had every reason to. As much as it would suck to be the other girl, it's her fault for manipulating a relationship that obviously wasn't supposed to end. It sounds so mean, but she had it coming. She started dating him a week and a half after we broke up, and bad mouthed me every second she could, when I never did anything to her. So that in and of itself is my reason for revenge. I don't like being the "other girl" and it's horrible, but when it came down to it, I don't regret it.

I'm going to be blunt here, because I've put up with a lot of crap from guys and I never stood up for myself. Regardless of whether she deserved it or not, it's never OK to help a guy cheat. By participating you helped him cheat, no matter how you say it. A cheater will always be a cheater, as cheesy as it sounds, and if you get back with him you'll only be setting yourself up for disaster. I know I'm making it sound very black and white, and it's not, but sometimes you have to ignore the grey areas and make a choice. Because, honestly, he's not worth your time.

 

[Reddy]

I have a habit of clicking on "new Post" - I have a 15 year old so I read what you said

if the guy can't be with just you now - do you really think that in 5 years it would be just you if you allow him to use you now??
He sees you as easy - he can get what he wants from you without being tied to you so why tie himself to just you when he can have your "friend" too (I would rethink this friend too - a real friend doesn't do this to a friend unless they really don't care about you at all)

Break up - give it time, time heals all -- in 10 years you will be forgotten by him -- he will will just a small memory in your life -- the best part of my life was in my 20's - happiest is right around the corner for you. take this time & remember the good but learn from the bad & don't let the next guy use you like this guy did.

 

[jAcKs_x0]

I'm going to be blunt here, because I've put up with a lot of crap from guys and I never stood up for myself. Regardless of whether she deserved it or not, it's never OK to help a guy cheat. By participating you helped him cheat, no matter how you say it. A cheater will always be a cheater, as cheesy as it sounds, and if you get back with him you'll only be setting yourself up for disaster. I know I'm making it sound very black and white, and it's not, but sometimes you have to ignore the grey areas and make a choice. Because, honestly, he's not worth your time.

I agree with you. And like I said before, I don't regret what I did. You are right by the black and white inference. It's not black and white, as there were so many factors into this decision that I made to I guess "help" him cheat. Believe me, in any other situation, and if she previously didn't do anything to me, I would've made a different decision. He isn't worth my time, and I know that, it's just so hard to let go and make myself believe I can do better. I'm so afraid that I don't think I can, as juvenile as that sounds.

 

[jAcKs_x0]

I have a habit of clicking on "new Post" - I have a 15 year old so I read what you said

if the guy can't be with just you now - do you really think that in 5 years it would be just you if you allow him to use you now??
He sees you as easy - he can get what he wants from you without being tied to you so why tie himself to just you when he can have your "friend" too (I would rethink this friend too - a real friend doesn't do this to a friend unless they really don't care about you at all)

Break up - give it time, time heals all -- in 10 years you will be forgotten by him -- he will will just a small memory in your life -- the best part of my life was in my 20's - happiest is right around the corner for you. take this time & remember the good but learn from the bad & don't let the next guy use you like this guy did.

Thanks for the advice. You sound exactly like my mom, but I guess it's different hearing it from another mom's perspective. It seems to easy to just spell it out like that, "he's not worth it, once a cheater always a cheater, etc" but when it comes down to it, it is my head that knows that, my heart that doesn't.

ETA - I forgot to say, we are definitely not friends anymore. Haven't been since the initial breakup in September. I would never want to be friends with someone who claims that she is my friend but steals my boyfriend.

 

[jAcKs_x0]

I totally understand about how you feel about him. You're always going to have feelings for him, and the love you feel for him can often blind you from the negative things about him. I'm sure he didn't "use you" on purpose, but that's just how it sounded to me You're welcome, I hope everything works out for you

Somehow I missed your post. Thanks again, you are very mature for your age. Keep that good head on your shoulders, it's going to take you far if your heart ever gets broken one day.

 

[Reddy]

Thanks for the advice. You sound exactly like my mom, but I guess it's different hearing it from another mom's perspective. It seems to easy to just spell it out like that, "he's not worth it, once a cheater always a cheater, etc" but when it comes down to it, it is my head that knows that, my heart that doesn't.

it is easier to say than to live thur - but I have been there & done that - Thank God I found my DH (he even does the dishes) The guy I wanted at 17 - didn't even get out of high school -- DH has a MBA
Life gets better if you let it. just 20s are great, you are an adult & get to meet alot of new people (go to college or join the army - get away from where you are & see the World - become a CM)

 

[jAcKs_x0]

it is easier to say than to live thur - but I have been there & done that - Thank God I found my DH (he even does the dishes) The guy I wanted at 17 - didn't even get out of high school -- DH has a MBA
Life gets better if you let it. just 20s are great, you are an adult & get to meet alot of new people (go to college or join the army - get away from where you are & see the World - become a CM)

I know it gets better, thats what gives me hope! Looking at some really nice colleges, I just can't wait to get out of high school. Away from this boy where I don't have to see him and the girl everyday. Thank god tomorrow is my last day of school and hopefully over the summer I'll be able to get over him once and for all. The hardest part is trying to keep the memories. I want to erase them because it hurts to look back at them, but I know I will never be able too. And one day I will be able to look back on them and smile.

 

[disneedust1429]

something kind of similar happened to me. i was with this one guy, whom i was in love with, and he loved me. but it ended up how i dumped him and he went for my friend to make me jealous, then i told him if he wanted me back to just talk to me, then I rejected him, and he went an got back together with my friend, then he wanted me back and blah blah blah... everytime we talked it started with sweetness and just perfectness, but ended with fights. I just had to come to the conclusion that there may have been love there between us once, but now its just... we grew apart. and we are too much the same to be together ever again.

So, my point is yes its hard to get over someone u once loved and want to be together with so bad, but you have to accept the fact that (yepp, wierd stupid line right here but) as time goes on, people either grow together or fall apart, and it sounds to me that its just not meant to be right now, and right now you guys need to go separate ways. I mean, no promises, but there may be a chance you guys could kinda like be together again, i mean i always hoped tht for me nd the other guy, but I spent too much time looking back instead of paying attention to whats in front of you...

sorry that ran on longer than need be, but i hope i helped, even a lil bit good luck!

 

[jAcKs_x0]

something kind of similar happened to me. i was with this one guy, whom i was in love with, and he loved me. but it ended up how i dumped him and he went for my friend to make me jealous, then i told him if he wanted me back to just talk to me, then I rejected him, and he went an got back together with my friend, then he wanted me back and blah blah blah... everytime we talked it started with sweetness and just perfectness, but ended with fights. I just had to come to the conclusion that there may have been love there between us once, but now its just... we grew apart. and we are too much the same to be together ever again.

So, my point is yes its hard to get over someone u once loved and want to be together with so bad, but you have to accept the fact that (yepp, wierd stupid line right here but) as time goes on, people either grow together or fall apart, and it sounds to me that its just not meant to be right now, and right now you guys need to go separate ways. I mean, no promises, but there may be a chance you guys could kinda like be together again, i mean i always hoped tht for me nd the other guy, but I spent too much time looking back instead of paying attention to whats in front of you...

sorry that ran on longer than need be, but i hope i helped, even a lil bit good luck!

It was very much helpful. Thank you so much. It's nice to know I'm not the only one going through something like this. Not that I'd wish pain on other people, but that people know how I feel because they've been through it too. The last cheesy line you said (which wasn't cheesy at all) is sooo true. It's just so hard to do.

I'm just a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. So if we really weren't meant to be together why would he keep coming back to me? And why haven't I found someone else, or why haven't things worked out with other people? And believe me my eyes have been open. Its just frustrating because you feel weak and vulnerable and all you want to do is curl up in his arms and have him kiss you and tell you he loves you. Because for a long time that's how I felt better whenever I was feeling weak or vulnerable. Ah, okay, vent over.

 

[disneedust1429]

It was very much helpful. Thank you so much. It's nice to know I'm not the only one going through something like this. Not that I'd wish pain on other people, but that people know how I feel because they've been through it too. The last cheesy line you said (which wasn't cheesy at all) is sooo true. It's just so hard to do.

I'm just a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. So if we really weren't meant to be together why would he keep coming back to me? And why haven't I found someone else, or why haven't things worked out with other people? And believe me my eyes have been open. Its just frustrating because you feel weak and vulnerable and all you want to do is curl up in his arms and have him kiss you and tell you he loves you. Because for a long time that's how I felt better whenever I was feeling weak or vulnerable. Ah, okay, vent over.

so am i. and thats what i thought when he kept coming back... it made me the same way. i felt like if he kept coming back to me like this than maybe its meant to be. but the thing is... its like tht saying "whats meant to be will always find its way" but even though he kept coming back and we kept trying to work things out, we could never find a way for us to be happy and together. I learned and gained A LOT of 'knowledge' from him and the situation, but i really lost a lot. its still hard to think about, and im still confused, but it was for the best that i let go of everything and him. i still wish things couldve gone better, but it was definitely for the best for both of us that we let go. maybe things might work out for us later, but right now just isn't the time.

 

[MickeyisBeast]

Somehow I missed your post. Thanks again, you are very mature for your age. Keep that good head on your shoulders, it's going to take you far if your heart ever gets broken one day.

Thanks, I'm not that young but I am pretty mature haha.

 

[jAcKs_x0]

so am i. and thats what i thought when he kept coming back... it made me the same way. i felt like if he kept coming back to me like this than maybe its meant to be. but the thing is... its like tht saying "whats meant to be will always find its way" but even though he kept coming back and we kept trying to work things out, we could never find a way for us to be happy and together. I learned and gained A LOT of 'knowledge' from him and the situation, but i really lost a lot. its still hard to think about, and im still confused, but it was for the best that i let go of everything and him. i still wish things couldve gone better, but it was definitely for the best for both of us that we let go. maybe things might work out for us later, but right now just isn't the time.

You are completely right. I think it's just better to lose hope. And if by some chance, things fall back together, it will make everything even better. But even if things fall back together, what is the likelihood of staying together? Then its the recurring process all over again. God why are boys so difficult? Very frustrating.

Thanks, I'm not that young but I am pretty mature haha.

I wasn't implying you were very young, I just knew you were about 15. Coming from my point of view, at almost 18, and looking back to when I was 15 I was no where near as mature as you are. That's what I meant

 

[WDWsweetsixteengirl]

I wouldn't say stressed, but then again maybe I would. It was just so confusing and my heart was in one place, while my head was in another. I'm pretty sure it could be classified as an unhealthy relationship, but then again, I'm not positive. And you are right, I couldn't imagine being heartbroken and going back through what I went through this whole year. I mean its been a full school year since we originally broke up. Granted we haven't stopped talking since, but still, I'm still in pieces. Thanks for your opinion though, and I'm sorry for your broken heart. PM me if you ever want to talk about it. I'm good at giving advice, just not good at listening to it for myself. :good vibes

Thanks. I know what you mean. I can give advice but I can never give myself advice.