Advice needed/Vent: What would you do!(long)

[Katie]

I am going to try and condense this down to a reasonable amount of space!

I have 3 kids (20,14,12). Been married 20 years in August. Obviously, I had child #1, before I got married. I was 17 at the time. My son and I lived with my parents until I got married 15 months later.

No major issues with my mom or Dad over the years, typically stuff. Close, tight. Spent alot of time at their house( they had a pool, and stuff so the grandkids would WANT to spend time at their house, ect).

When child #1 graduated high school, he went to the local community college, where he just didn't attend, played, and eventually quit. He joined the NAVY after my husband, I, and his grandparents convinced him it would be the best thing for him. He had to wait 9 months to actually go to boot camp. In those 9 months, he basically worked a little and played alot!

When it was time to go, he didn't want to go. He lasted 2 weeks at boot camp, when he quit.( YES, you can quit boot camp in the NAVY). He was sent home after about 5 weeks( discharge process). I at this point, was fed up.
My parents convinced me to give him another chance at college. This all happened around Christmas time. She refused to celebrate Christmas, New Years or anything. She basically "closed down". She felt it was because he was mistreated his entire life( WHAT????) and never felt like part of the family. Everybody in our family, thought she had gone crazy.

My father tried to get her to go to a counselor where she basically told off the counselor and walked out. She refused to talk to me or my husband. We paid for him to go back to college in January.He dropped all his classes before March. He quit. This summer, he moved in with my parents!

Over the summer, we began talking ect. We went over a few times over the summer. She will not talk to my younger son at all, except to critizie him. She feels we have spoiled him( he is a straight A student, an exceptional athlete, and just a good kid). She is social to my daughter, but not overly!


In the Fall, they paid for him to to school. I told them, I hoped it did okay for them. I hoped he didn't dropped out! He Did!!

Almost a year later at Thanksgiving, she talked to me briefly, my 14 yr old daughter a little, and totally ignored my husband and my 12 year son. She will not let me DAD have anything to do with my kids. My dad usually attended all my kids sport activites, baseball, basketball, soceer, wrestling, ect. He even helped coach a few times. He was a big sport guy in school, and loved watching Tyler excel! He is now not ALLOWED to attend anything. Same thing with Cassie. They even boycotted Cassie's baptism. So this has been going on for now over one year
.
She refused to do Christmas with my kids or me again this year! She did go to my sister's house for Christmas dinner. My sister asked if she could go get my 14 and 12 year old, so they could celebrate Christmas with their grandparents, and she was told NO! My dad did call on Christmas and talk to the kids briefly! He does call if my mom is out of the house sometimes!

In December, her best friend of 50+ years, told her everything was NOT my fault, and she had to make my son accountably for his actions. My mom kicked her best friend out of the house, and told her they were no longer friends anymore!


Okay, well, they went to Florida for January. Leaving my 20 year son at their house. I stopped by check on Ryan( we live 7 minutes away from my Parent's house). The house was trashed. Pizza, pop cans, dirty clothes, wet towels,dirty dishes, ect. I had talked to my sister and told her what I found, and told her about the condition of the house. She later called my parents, and told them about the house. She said the seemed grateful that she had called.
Okay, my dad just calls me and wants to know why i told my sister about the condition of the house. I didn't need to tell her that! Her phone call has upset my mom and she is mad at me! What about being mad at the 20 year old that has trashed your house? or my sister who called and told her?
I told my DAD I didn't know I wasn't allowed to talk to my sister now! He says they are moving to Florida permentenly in the Spring.
Someone needs to explain the crazy rules to me!

What exactly are the rules?

 

[ilovejack02]

im not sure what the rules are, damn Mom has some issues doesnt she? I think for the most part you are just going to have let your parents do what they want with the oldest. He is 20, when they get tired of his crap they will throw him out and lets hope he can manage on his own.
As far as your other 2 it is so sad that your parents are doing this to them. It is def a good time to talk to your children about it not being their fault and that grandmom is a little off and granddad is trying to keep the peace even though its not the right thing to do. Hopefully this teaches your kids on what NOT to do with their own grandbabies. I honestly would let my dad do that to my kids and they would have to be cut out of our lives.

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

Some situations in life just don't have a good set of rules to fix them. This is one of those situations. All I can say to you is good luck.

 

[Christine]

What would I do?

I guess I'd just have to stop speaking to my parents. It doesn't seem like there is much you CAN do and anything that you try to do seems to feed into it and make it worse.

I think I would just totally distance myself and let the chips fall where they may.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is absolutely a bad situation.

 

[Katie]

I have tried to explain the situtation to the younger children. They are handling okay. They are most upset about my dad, because he was such a part of their lives. When I do talk to my dad, you can hear the hurt and frustration, and around Christmas even tears, in his voice. He is in a terrible place, and totally stuck in the middle. He said he has invested 40+ years in this marriage, feels he needs to stick it out. Am I wrong, for not making him choose between me and my mom. That is what she is doing, and I feel if I do that, I would be just as wrong as her!
Luckily for my children, we have lots of friends, that support them. Even my mom's best friend, comes to watch Tyler play(this summer, baseball game, and just last week, a MS school basketball game). Her daughter and I are close friends..so we have alot of contact!
I have a feeling my mom is going to make my sister makes a choice too. She agrees with me, but feels she has to "be nice" to mom, for her kids sake. I do get that! She has 3 kids too!
Ugh!!!
All this after a great relation ship. My husband has job offer after job offer in other states, we have always turned them down, becuase she didn't want the grandkids/and us to be that far away. My dad had colon cancer 5 years ago( stage3), and i got them thru that( I am in the medical field). My mom had a scare 2 years ago, and once again, I was there! Just gets a bit frustrating!

 

[Frantasmic]

Sounds like your parents have a case of Absalom disease,
like David did in the Bible. The first born grandchild
is god-like in some grandparents' eyes. Or goddess-like
as is the case of my 12 year old. She could get my mother
to do anything and she does no wrong. I'm glad she's (my
daughter) not mean spirited or she could abuse the situation
as your son has.

Cut the ties and chalk up the loss to your parents. It
is sad that your other two children won't have the loving
grandparents you desire for them. But, and this is the key,
THEY DON'T HAVE THAT NOW WITH THE LIMITED CONTACT THEY HAVE.
So, maintaining the status quo isn't any better for them than
cutting all ties.

Your son has found an enabler in your mother and she will
have to decide when enough is enough.

Both sides, your son and your mother, are enabling each
other. She is allowed her deep seated animosity toward you
and he is allowed to be a bum.

You can't win, your family can't win, and those two can't win
until THEY decide to do something about it.

 

[mrsmom]

I don't know what to say other than .

Kim

 

[susislickermouse]

Could it be possible your mom is suffering from some early symptoms of Dementia or Alsheimers? If so, that would explain some of the hostile behavior. It sounds like she needs a good medical and psychological workup. There is no "real" answer to your dilemma. I would probably not contact them and let the older son show his true colors to them. I would definitely practice the tough love adage with him. NO coming back to live with you once your parents have had it with him. Let him learn to grow up a little. I am sorry for your situation, it cannot be easy to be emotionally stretched. Definitely let your other kids know, that it has got nothing to with them, that grandma has a problem and needs to take care of it. I send you strength and good vibes. Hang in there.
Sues

 

[horseshowmom]

Sounds like your parents have a case of Absalom disease,
like David did in the Bible. The first born grandchild
is god-like in some grandparents' eyes.

And it was probably compounded by the fact that he spend that first 15 months of his life in the grandmother's house (her baby, if you know what I mean).

I'm really sorry for the situation. There's really not anything you can do at this point. Your mother is calling the shots. I will say that your sister is foolish for "making nice" with your mother. If she'll turn on you like this, it may be your sister's turn at some point. She ought to stand up to her and let the chips fall where they may (as much for her own children to see what's right and wrong as for anything else).

 

[pyrxtc]

I'm lost cuz you are talking about she and he and they and saying your the mom and then say that they won't let me DAD.......
I can't follow. Would love to give my 5 cents but don't even have a penny!

 

[Bob Slydell]

I'm lost cuz you are talking about she and he and they and saying your the mom and then say that they won't let me DAD.......
I can't follow. Would love to give my 5 cents but don't even have a penny!

What you said. I got lost somewhere in the middle of the switch from he to she.

 

[C.Ann]

The only thing you can do is to back away and let your Mom (and your Dad) learn their lessons the hard way.. Your father is an adult - he can make choices - and he has chosen to back away from you and your other children because that is what his wife is telling him to do.. Your parents are enabling your son's bad behavior and there's nothing you can do about that either..

It will be hard - but you just have to sit back and do NOTHING..

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm lost cuz you are talking about she and he and they and saying your the mom and then say that they won't let me DAD.......
I can't follow. Would love to give my 5 cents but don't even have a penny!

I think when she says "she/her", she's talking about her mom. I think the OP was just upset, and her thoughts kind of tumbled out on top of each other.

I was confused at first too, because she was talking about her son and then went to "she/her". If you read it this way, I think it will make sense to you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I see some serious psychological issues here.
Like the other poster said, to your mother, for the early years, your oldest was HER BABY. And, you had, psychologically, stolen her baby, and now that your DS is an adult and you no longer have any parental rights, she will stop at nothing to make sure that it stays that way. It sounds like a real psychosis. It may be helpful for you to see a professional to just to help you to make heads or tales of it all.

Personallly, I would have NOTHING to do with my mother.
I would protect my other children!!!!!!
YES, that is what I am saying. PROTECT your other children!!!!
At this point she is toxic.

If your father wants to stand by her, And if your 20 year old, adult, son wants to take advantage, there is really nothing that you can do.

At this point, I would not have stepped foot onto their property.

You cannot help your son if he does not want to help himself.
Let him know that you love him as much as life itself, and that if he wants to come back to you to help him become independent, that you will help.

At this point, I am thinking that this would mean that your DS accept some professional psychological help as well.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think it is time for you to walk away from the situation altogether. Your son is 20 years old...time for him to sink or swim. If your parents want to enable him, let them. You cannot control the situation, so stop trying. Wish them all well, refuse to engage in conversation about it and move on. If they don't treat you or your family well, then don't spend time with them.

You cannot be at war with anyone unless you engage in the battle.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You cannot be at war with anyone unless you engage in the battle.

I just LOVE this post.

DISENGAGE!

You asked, "just what are the rules?"
Well, you do not need to know the 'rules of engagement' if you refuse to do battle.

 

[Katie]

She will not let me DAD have anything to do with my kids.

Sorry, my rambling.

Should read:

She will not my DAD have anything to do with my kids!

I think it is time for you to walk away from the situation altogether.

basically, that is what has happened. Since early December, the only contact I have had is with my dad, and it was when HE called. When they first got to Florida, he called and asked me to check on my son every few days. I talk to my son every other day. Since Saturday( and a discussion between me and him, about finding a REAL job,) he had NOT been answering my phone calls. So, I stopped by the house to "check on him".
They were not upset about the condition of the house, but that I had told my sister about the condition of the house and she had called them and told them. My Dad was "why do we need to know about this, when we are 1200 miles away".. Okay...I DID NOT CALL you, my sister did. and the 20 year old was the one that had not picked up between 30-40 popcans, had pizza boxes all over the kitchen,dining, and computer room, had dirty clothes all over and wet towels laying on the floor. NOT ME!

I think I will take your advice and just close contact completely.

As far as my sister, I don't know. At Christmas, I tried to tell her, MOM could turn on her at any time too..but she seems determined to keep the relationship status quo for the benefit of her kids(8,12 and 16).

our mom is suffering from some early symptoms of Dementia or Alsheimers?

I suggested this to Dad several times. He agrees she has psych. problems, but he basically said his hands are tied. She has walked over the entire family and him since I was little. She definately was the "control" of the family. My dad is a just a nice guy who wants to try and keep the peace!

Thanks to everyone..I am reading each and every post and taking everything in!

 

[shirleyb]

Sounds like your dad needs to grow a pair, IYKWIM, and stand up to her, and if he's not going to, there's not much you can do about it.

I'd probably distance myself from them, which it sounds like has already happened, but try to maintain a cordial relationship with my son. Yes, he's acted irresponsibly, but he's still my kid (or yours in this case!), and it's not his fault that Grandma has gone psycho.

As far as the trashing the house, what 20 yo hasn't done that? I'd have probably let it go, and maybe he would have cleaned it up before they returned.

 

[UrsulasShadow]

Katie,
My thoughts are with you on this. I have a problem mother, too, and the only way I can carry on is to shut her out of most of my life. Thank goodness my brothers aren't ones to chose sides, and they understand why I don't involve myself with her...they've seen it their whole lives. My children used to be very confused and hurt by her (same as you, the eldest is the favorite, and the younger often gets trashed or ignored), but they now are old enough to understand she's just a crazy old lady who will never change.

My father passed on 20 years ago, so he's not involved anymore, but I think that's the thing that would hurt the most...having him put in a position to having to choose sides. I'd like to think my dad would stand up to my mother in regards to grandchildren, but if he didn't, I guess you just have to let them work that one out themselves.

My advice? Don't go over there, don't call, let them all sink or swim on their own. Oh, and get yourself some counseling, too. It might help with the pain.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It sounds as if part of the reason that you say that you have walked away is because they have been away out of state.

Seriously, it will not be as easy once they are back home. Especially since your son and your sister continue to be all 'involved'.

If your son wants to call you or come by, then if that is what you want, that is fine. I would not be calling him. I would not be having Grandpa calling and asking me to check on him. (it is YOUR son, not your parents son... and he is an ADULT...)

I am sorry about your Father, but he has made his choice!!! That's right, it sounds from your post as if he has made his choice!!! If that means that he is cutting himself out or your lives, then so-be-it. That is HIS decision, not yours.

You are still very much right in the middle if this kind of thing continues to happen.

You really need to be prepared to put up some real personal boundaries and to truly disengage and to walk away...