Advice needed, please.

[shopnfun2me2]

No, I think you should be with your dh as a family. Don't leave his side. He is trying to avoid you again. Don't let him.

OK. That is what I really thought I should do too. I just don't want to hear DD whining all afternoon about missing the egg hunt.

 

[cheermom1]

OK. That is what I really thought I should do too. I just don't want to hear DD whining all afternoon about missing the egg hunt.

I still think you need to talk about your plans and come up with a compromise for your dd and the both of you. It doesn;t mean you have to miss one or the other.

 

[wilderness01]

Honestly it sounds like you need to have a heart to heart sit down and discuss why he is making plans without consulting you. Not that he needs anyone's permission, but why not coordinate with what is already happening? Why is he trying to avoid you? That is what it seems like from what you are typing.

I'm sorry you are going through a disconnect. I hope it gets better.

 

[shopnfun2me2]

I think the 2 of you need to get on the same page when it comes to plans and everything.

Well, I thought we had a plan as of Thursday. He just seems to change it. I totally understand about wanting to be with his sister since she is sick. Usually, her family does not come over to his parents home until around 2 or 3 pm.

 

[cheermom1]

Well, I thought we had a plan as of Thursday. He just seems to change it. I totally understand about wanting to be with his sister since she is sick. Usually, her family does not come over to his parents home until around 2 or 3 pm.

You really NEED to talk to him and tell him you thought you 2 had already finalized your plans and he needs to talk to you before changing them when you didn't even know he did. you are not a mind reader.

 

[Frantasmic]

Come on people. This is a sister with terminal cancer. I don't know the specifics, but it sounds like she might have decided at the last minute to go to her parents, thus causing plans to change. It might even be the last Easter she can spend with her parents. Hopefully, she isn't using her illness to manipulate everyone. Anyway, even if they had a plan on Thursday, if the sister changed her plans, I think it would is understandable.

Never underestimate the power of a mother who wants her kids together for perhaps one last holiday. It's not just the husband; I bet he is getting all sorts of pressure from his mom, his sister, maybe even his dad.

While the OP shouldn't be a doormat, I think she is commendable for keeping a semblance of order and normalcy in her household, which her spouse should appreciate, even if he doesn't voice that appreciation right now.

I understand she feels like 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th banana right now. But, if the SIL is truly nearing the end of her life, that is to be expected. And one doesn't want other family members who will still be around in a few years to have an opportunity to have bad feelings about a person if her actions might be misconstrued as selfish. Again, I don't know the family, but it sounds like the OP's hubby is being tugged in many areas and no telling what he might tell his parents if he isn't able to stand up to them.

So, not to be a doormat, but I'd approach the situation with your husband's state of mind at heart. Tell him that a person with a sibling with a terminal illness needs some down time too. While the OP might have a legit claim to the feelings she has, she'll bank future savings being understanding and patient until this passes.

Again, this assumes the SIL is truly ill and probably only have months to live.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Come on people. This is a sister with terminal cancer. I don't know the specifics, but it sounds like she might have decided at the last minute to go to her parents, thus causing plans to change. It might even be the last Easter she can spend with her parents. Hopefully, she isn't using her illness to manipulate everyone. Anyway, even if they had a plan on Thursday, if the sister changed her plans, I think it would is understandable.

Never underestimate the power of a mother who wants her kids together for perhaps one last holiday. It's not just the husband; I bet he is getting all sorts of pressure from his mom, his sister, maybe even his dad.

While the OP shouldn't be a doormat, I think she is commendable for keeping a semblance of order and normalcy in her household, which her spouse should appreciate, even if he doesn't voice that appreciation right now.

I understand she feels like 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th banana right now. But, if the SIL is truly nearing the end of her life, that is to be expected. And one doesn't want other family members who will still be around in a few years to have an opportunity to have bad feelings about a person if her actions might be misconstrued as selfish. Again, I don't know the family, but it sounds like the OP's hubby is being tugged in many areas and no telling what he might tell his parents if he isn't able to stand up to them.

So, not to be a doormat, but I'd approach the situation with your husband's state of mind at heart. Tell him that a person with a sibling with a terminal illness needs some down time too. While the OP might have a legit claim to the feelings she has, she'll bank future savings being understanding and patient until this passes.

Again, this assumes the SIL is truly ill and probably only have months to live.

I think OP is approaching it that way to a fault actually. She is totally letting her DH isolate himself from his immediately family and that is not a good thing either.

Example....

If OP does not go to the lunch with dh's family, OP is not creating memories with her dh's family and soon to be deceased SIL.

She may be putting nothing in the bank by that logic. DH will look back and see that his own family was not supportive in joining him at his family's house for SIL last Easter.

My sister's MIL is dying of cancer right now and I am watching the family dynamics and it does get weird & it is stressful beyond belief. However my BIL communicates things with my sis and she is proactive and communicates with the whole family and helps out when she can.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I'd surprise him at work with dinner, sometimes overtime is code for girlfriend. If he's there, he gets a nice treat, if not, he'll be wearing it when he gets home.

 

[shopnfun2me2]

I'd surprise him at work with dinner, sometimes overtime is code for girlfriend. If he's there, he gets a nice treat, if not, he'll be wearing it when he gets home.

Thanks but this is uncalled for. As stated earlier, I trust my husband. My brother-in-law and numerous friends work there. He is there working when he says he is.

 

[shopnfun2me2]

Come on people. This is a sister with terminal cancer. I don't know the specifics, but it sounds like she might have decided at the last minute to go to her parents, thus causing plans to change. It might even be the last Easter she can spend with her parents. Hopefully, she isn't using her illness to manipulate everyone. Anyway, even if they had a plan on Thursday, if the sister changed her plans, I think it would is understandable.

Never underestimate the power of a mother who wants her kids together for perhaps one last holiday. It's not just the husband; I bet he is getting all sorts of pressure from his mom, his sister, maybe even his dad.

While the OP shouldn't be a doormat, I think she is commendable for keeping a semblance of order and normalcy in her household, which her spouse should appreciate, even if he doesn't voice that appreciation right now.

I understand she feels like 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th banana right now. But, if the SIL is truly nearing the end of her life, that is to be expected. And one doesn't want other family members who will still be around in a few years to have an opportunity to have bad feelings about a person if her actions might be misconstrued as selfish. Again, I don't know the family, but it sounds like the OP's hubby is being tugged in many areas and no telling what he might tell his parents if he isn't able to stand up to them.

So, not to be a doormat, but I'd approach the situation with your husband's state of mind at heart. Tell him that a person with a sibling with a terminal illness needs some down time too. While the OP might have a legit claim to the feelings she has, she'll bank future savings being understanding and patient until this passes.

Again, this assumes the SIL is truly ill and probably only have months to live.

Sister's family will not be there until around 2-3 pm as stated earlier and DD & I could be there by 2:00. And yes, she is truly terminal. She was given 6 months to live in April 2009.
And for what it's worth, I have stayed numerous nights in the hospital with her. We are very supportive of her family and DH's parents.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay,

OP, you say that you trust your husband...
You 'do everything'
You continue to enable and excuse his behaviors...
(people can only treat you with disrespect if you let them)

Now I am NOT saying that he is messing around...
I am Not saying that he is a horrid person...
And I do realize the toll that a heavy hours and demands at work can take.

What I am saying is that there are clearly some 'issues/problems' going on... And, all the denial, excusing, enabling, etc... Well, I don't think that these issues are going to solve themselves...

Make no mistake...

When your DH 'announces' on Saturday that all your plans are changed for Sunday...

When your DH has a day off, and you plan to TAKE a day off, and he 'disappears' for the entire day...

etc... etc...

It sounds like something isn't right....

Whether it is mid-life crisis... (nothing like a terminal sibling to bring that on BiG TIME)

Whether it is a problem with your marriage...

Whatever...

Something isn't right.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It really sounds like you have become the taskmaster and he is avoiding you right now.

Dont' take this wrong... You have some EXCELLENT input here Mystery Machine...

I just wanted to say that it is complete BALONEY that a man can completely neglect and abdicate his responsibility as a man, a husband, a father... did I say MAN....

And, just by trying to do what needs to be done to get by with her kid(s) the wife is dubbed the 'TASKMASTER'....

Where is HE...
HE is the one who should have made sure that his mower was geared up for lawn maintenance... HE is the one who should have been coordinating Easter plans... HE is the one who is completely walking out...

So, by the OP personally being left holding the bag of task, she is then dubbed, by him, as the 'Evil Taskmaster'....


How passive aggressive...

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. It's not that uncommom and yet every single woman I know would say with 100% certainty, not their husband. The 100% certainty would mean 0% of straying husbands, which everyone knows is not the case. If a man is acting distant, and going out for entire days and working late, I would think it's worth a check, it's what I would recommend to a friend or family member, so it's what I recommended to you. Without a doubt, some women fail to see what is happening when the signs are right there so I always think better safe than sorry, not to be offensive, just careful. I'm not at all saying your dh is doing that, but it never hurts to check. In any case, maybe try sending your daughter to grandma's for the night and plan a romantic night out to rekindle the spark. Marriage does not do well long term in a roommate type scenerio unless it works for both parties in the relationship.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, You have been given some good advice!
At this point, at the 12th hour... I would advise you to ditch all plans, smooth things over with your DD, and go spend easter with DH and the inlaws... Especially with your husband's sister.

I will also say that, after tomorrow... I think I would be establishing some new boundaries, and that this might be the last time, ever, that I allowed something like this to happen this way.

Today and tomorrow are not the time or place to address things....
But, clearly, something is not right.

 

[Christine]

Dont' take this wrong... You have some EXCELLENT input here Mystery Machine...

I just wanted to say that it is complete BALONEY that a man can completely neglect and abdicate his responsibility as a man, a husband, a father... did I say MAN....

And, just by trying to do what needs to be done to get by with her kid(s) the wife is dubbed the 'TASKMASTER'....

Where is HE...
HE is the one who should have made sure that his mower was geared up for lawn maintenance... HE is the one who should have been coordinating Easter plans... HE is the one who is completely walking out...

So, by the OP personally being left holding the bag of task, she is then dubbed, by him, as the 'Evil Taskmaster'....


How passive aggressive...

Well, we're projecting a lot here on the husband.

Everyone is different. I posted very early in the thread that when my DH does extended periods of overtime we always have a "rough patch" in our lives. He can't handle it. Now my cousin, on the other hand, can work 12 hours days, survive on 5 hours of sleep, and run circles around the rest of us.

To be honest, if I were working 12 hour days, I *know* I'd get pretty snarky with people, probably would not be that nice in a partnership, and would look for every moment I could to have some down/alone time. That's me and I'd know I would respond that way. Just playing devil's advocate but it truly could be that the husband is worn out and until the overtime stops, he's just not going to be a great partner. It's not an excuse, I'm not saying it's right, but it's just a *reason.*

 

[Wishing on a star]

You have a good point Christine...

Perhaps the long, demanding hours at work are what 'isn't right'...

NO MATTER WHAT IT IS... It needs addressed.

And, just a reminder....
I am NOT the one who is throwing out the 'taskmaster' comments....

I was answering another post where somebody else was throwing out the 'avoid the taskmaster' theory.

 

[Christine]

And, just a reminder....
I am NOT the one who is throwing out the 'taskmaster' comments....

I was answering another post where somebody else was throwing out the 'avoid the taskmaster' theory.

Yeah I understood where you were going with your comment and in a perfect world the "tasks" would the equal concern of both partners. However, after reading a bazillion DIS threads, Dear Abby, Ask Amy, and others, each partner in a marriage seems to place a different weight on household chores. Often we know that the women place a higher expectation on the how the house should look over the man. Because of this, the woman can become/seem to be a "taskmaster" because she requires the house to be vacuumed at a certain interval (my best friend does it nightly), has to have the bed made daily, etc, and ends up overwhelming herself and others when it can't get done. Not saying the OP is like this but, if she is even to a lesser degree, she may come off as a taskmaster to a very tired husband.

 

[cheermom1]

I am still not understanding where this should all be laid at the ops feet??? I mean she works full time too PLUS takes care of the house and the kid and it sounds like she is doing ALL the yard work and maintenance that needs to be done as well. WHAT does he do??? work and that is IT!! He needs to help put too! may not be as much as she does if he works more but come on he needs to be doing his share!!! leaving for a whole day in unacceptable in my opinion and I would NOT have mowed the yard or done anything HE said he would!!

I know his sister is ill but that doesn't excuse him from his daily chores or from his family or to treat his family like crap! where does the personal responsibility come in here?

op I urge you to talk to your dh about all this and to let him know it is not cool to change plans on you without letting you know and talking to about it so that BOTH can agree to the plan change. there is a lot that the 2 of you need to talk about and agree on what is going to happen. Now that doesn't mean he can't see his sister or that he can't go to his moms for Easter, it just means that the 2 of you agree on what is going to happen and how it is going to happen.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

If a grown adult is pulling away, it is hard to force them to re-engage. They have to want to.

 

[Christine]

I am still not understanding where this should all be laid at the ops feet??? I mean she works full time too PLUS takes care of the house and the kid and it sounds like she is doing ALL the yard work and maintenance that needs to be done as well. WHAT does he do??? work and that is IT!!

No one is laying this at the OP's feet. Not at all.

As I said above, there's a reason for his behavior but it is most certainly NOT an excuse. Honestly, I would not have mowed the lawn. I would let it grow to my knees if that was what he promised to do. When he doesn't do it on your schedule and you go out and do it for him, you turn it into a mother/child relationship. You then change the dynamic of this marriage. Yes, the husband was wrong but the OP's response to his neglect of the home is not the right thing either. She is going to turn into his mother.

Having said that, have you ever worked a 12 hour day for a sustained period of time. For most people who are not workaholics, it is soul-sucking, exhausting, and you can pretty much become a monster. My DH has *had* to do spells of it with no choice and many of those times, I've come very close to walking out of my marriage. As soon as the overtime stopped (well within a week or so) he became a normal, rational, responsible person again. After 20+ years of marriage and various "overtime" stints, I now brace myself for when they happen again. We hire a lawn service during those times. But many years ago, we didn't have the money for that so it was just BAD. My house was a mess too. And I got tired of being grunted at.

If this is a recent development in the OP's husbands behavior, I wouldn't read too much into it, let her come here an vent, and hope that it blows over. When he gets more rest, when things calm down with his family, then it's time for "the talk."