Advice needed, please.

[shopnfun2me2]

DH an I have been married 13 years next week and I feel more like roommates lately than anything. We have a 10 yr old and it just doesn't seem like there is enough time to get everything done. He is having to work overtime alot lately which means 12 hours a day. I work 40 hours a week and am trying to keep the house running but I can't get everything done. I took a day off yesterday to be with him and DD since he had the day off and school was out. Well, he gets up and says he is going to Lowes. So, I plant some bulbs in the yard, mow the grass, hide and hunt easter eggs 4 times with DD, work on birdhouse project for 4-H with DD and do some laundry. He finally comes home in time to grill for supper. I am just so tried of trying to do everything. I asked DD to help fold towels and you would have thought I had asked her to run 100 miles. I AM TIRED!!! I know he has alot on his mind as he has a sister that has terminal cancer and is not doing good. I am trying so hard to just be patient and kind and to let him know that I am there for him. I have made some reservations and got some concert tickets for the end of the month for the two of us to try to get away for a while. To which he said, we probably wouldn't we able to go since his sister is sick. What else can I do? I don't want to be resentful. TIA

 

[Christine]

You just need to let some things go for awhile.

My DH is an electrician and there have been times that he goes for months working 10 hour days or he has to go to nights. During that time, everything gets dumped on me. I have two kids (older now) and I have always worked full-time plus I've got a bear of a commute. The grocery shopping and cooking are all on me. Yes, I get real burnt out during those times. But I know they are not forever so I just kind of let it go. Sometimes we "live" out of the laundry basket because I don't have time to fold. Sometimes I have to do carryout a little more than I'd like just so I get a break.

As long as you know it's not forever, the best you can probably do is try to muddle through it and lower your expectations of what your house should look like. I've found that dealing with a husband who is working OT is touchy. They're usually pretty irritable! Add to that, his sister's health and it's not a great combo.

 

[MIGrandma]

If he doesn't want to get away because of his sister being sick, at least insist that you have a "date night" and go to dinner together, take a walk holding hands in the park, something, anything just for a few hours so you can have some "couple time."

DH and I have been married 34 years and I firmly believe that every couple should have regular "couple time" together, without the kids. Whether it's a once-a-year-overnight getaway for your wedding anniversary, or a few days away from home/kids for a short vacation, or just regular "date nights" at least once a month. Plan for them. Mark them on your calendar in ink (not pencil so it can get erased). Make time for yourselves as a couple. I feel it's very important for a marriage and for a family.

 

[disykat]

DH and learned that that our weekends go much more smoothly if we take a few minutes to compare expectations. On Thursday or Friday we take a few minutes to compare notes on what we have scheduled, what we want to do, etc. That way, no one is surprised. left holding the bag with the kids, etc. We can specifically schedule in couple time, family time, or whatever during that discussion.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Agree, you need to open up communication with him. If you are thinking about a day off then talk to him first before you do it so all of you are on the same page.

 

[ZPT1022]

Where was he all day? I find it hard to believe that he was at Lowes from the time you woke up in the morning until dinner time, there's not that much to do there. I'm not necessarily suggesting anything "naughty", just that he may be avoiding being at home. I understand he is stressed from working a lot and the situation with his sister but it's not a license to dump on you, or to ignore his child

 

[PollyannaMom]

DH and learned that that our weekends go much more smoothly if we take a few minutes to compare expectations. On Thursday or Friday we take a few minutes to compare notes on what we have scheduled, what we want to do, etc. That way, no one is surprised. left holding the bag with the kids, etc. We can specifically schedule in couple time, family time, or whatever during that discussion.

I absolutely agree with this!! It makes the weekends much better.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...I work 40 hours a week and am trying to keep the house running but I can't get everything done...

OP, definitely give yourself permission to let some things go!! With SIL sick, I'm sure DH is not worried about how clean the floors are. Pay a neighbor boy to mow the grass, plan to order take-out more often, and don't feel guilty!

As for DD, if you feel she's old enough, explain that a lot of Daddy's energy right now is going into worrying about Auntie, and the grown-up thing for her to do would be to pick up a little of his share for a bit by helping you around the house. The towel thing might have just been a reaction to exactly when you asked (she had just planned some "important" kid thing but not told you yet) and not an unwillingness to help in general.

I hope things work out better than expected for your SIL.

 

[cheermom1]

You know just b/c he works longer hours and you work as well doesn;t mean everything should be dumped on you. sorry I know this is a not popular answer for a lot of people. But you know what you the woman really are doing WAY more than he is working extra hours and it is not fair!!! I say you both need to sit down and discuss how things are going to be weather you get help from the kids and he has to help you make them. or what ever you both need to help out. plus you both need to set up a time for just the 2 of you and stick to it.

I don;t understand why it HAS to always be dumped on the women especially if she has a full time job plus take care of the kids and the house and all he has to do is work. NO WAY not cool!!

I understand his sister is sick but he still needs time to spend with his wife and then time with his family!! Life does not stop b/c a family member is sick. sure spend as much time as you can with that member but not at the expense of their immediate family.

I am sorry I sound a tad harsh but sometimes reality has to kick in. don't think i am not sympathetic to his sister b/c I am which is why I said that while he may not want to go away you 2 still need some alone time.

 

[shopnfun2me2]

Agree, you need to open up communication with him. If you are thinking about a day off then talk to him first before you do it so all of you are on the same page.

Yes, he knew I was taking off work. We were supposed to work in the yard and he was going to work on the mower to get it ready for the season. Hence the trip to Lowes and Sears for oil filter, blades, etc.
I ended up borrowing my parents mower and mowed while he was gone because I knew it wouldn't get done otherwise. Rain was forecast for today and I knew our only chance was yesterday.

 

[shopnfun2me2]

OP, definitely give yourself permission to let some things go!! With SIL sick, I'm sure DH is not worried about how clean the floors are. Pay a neighbor boy to mow the grass, plan to order take-out more often, and don't feel guilty!

As for DD, if you feel she's old enough, explain that a lot of Daddy's energy right now is going into worrying about Auntie, and the grown-up thing for her to do would be to pick up a little of his share for a bit by helping you around the house. The towel thing might have just been a reaction to exactly when you asked (she had just planned some "important" kid thing but not told you yet) and not an unwillingness to help in general.

I hope things work out better than expected for your SIL.

Thank you your kind words. I am just stressed.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, he knew I was taking off work. We were supposed to work in the yard and he was going to work on the mower to get it ready for the season. Hence the trip to Lowes and Sears for oil filter, blades, etc.
I ended up borrowing my parents mower and mowed while he was gone because I knew it wouldn't get done otherwise. Rain was forecast for today and I knew our only chance was yesterday.

It sounds like you are not on the same page though. If he took off for the day, where did he go?

I mean I know you need to mow, however you also need to reconnect with your DH.

 

[flamingglobessigmund]

Where was he all day? I find it hard to believe that he was at Lowes from the time you woke up in the morning until dinner time, there's not that much to do there. I'm not necessarily suggesting anything "naughty", just that he may be avoiding being at home. I understand he is stressed from working a lot and the situation with his sister but it's not a license to dump on you, or to ignore his child

Agreed. That "all day at Lowes" thing sent up a little red flag for me while I was reading it. My ex would disappear all day like that, saying he was going to the hardware store.

 

[shopnfun2me2]

It sounds like you are not on the same page though. If he took off for the day, where did he go?

I mean I know you need to mow, however you also need to reconnect with your DH.

He was off work anyway for Good Friday. He went to get the stuff for the mower. Lowes is about an hour away and apparently he just looked around alot. I think the bottom line was that once Friday came, he didn't want to do the yard work or anything else.

 

[cheermom1]

He was off work anyway for Good Friday. He went to get the stuff for the mower. Lowes is about an hour away and apparently he just looked around alot. I think the bottom line was that once Friday came, he didn't want to do the yard work or anything else.

But you see he knew you would do it which is why he didn't come back. you need to stop doing everything and let a lot go b/c you CAN"T do it all. He needs to understand that.

ETA: My dh and I made a deal that I would take care of the inside of the house and he would take care of the outside of the house. maybe you 2 can work out some kind of deal like that. just a thought

 

[shopnfun2me2]

Agreed. That "all day at Lowes" thing sent up a little red flag for me while I was reading it. My ex would disappear all day like that, saying he was going to the hardware store.

I am sure that he went. I trust him. It takes about an hour each way to go to Lowes. He also went to Sears and Sam's and he probably went up and down every aisle.

 

[shopnfun2me2]

Well, now he tells me that he wants to eat lunch with his parents tomorrow. That is fine but I asked on Thursday and he said that we would just eat lunch at church and go in the afternoon when the rest of the family would be there. I asked on Thursday so that I could go grocery shopping and decide what I would carry to the lunch at church. I bought the ingredients to make Chicken Lasagna, strawberry cream cheese dessert, drinks, rolls, etc. Well, I asked him to call his mom and tell her that I would be glad to bring these things so that she wouldn't have to cook as much. He called and she said for us "not to bring anything!" That she was doing a ham and all of the sides and had already make a strawberry dessert. OK, we have an egg hunt after church on easter at church every year. DD10 wants to help hide the eggs. She has talked about this all week. I am sure DH hasn't even heard her talk about it. We have just dyed her eggs. Do you think it would be ok for DD and I to stay for lunch at church and let her do the egg hunt and then go to his parents? He could go ahead earlier and have lunch with them. There is no other young kids that will be over there so there won't be an egg hunt at his parents house? What do you think?

 

[cheermom1]

Well, now he tells me that he wants to eat lunch with his parents tomorrow. That is fine but I asked on Thursday and he said that we would just eat lunch at church and go in the afternoon when the rest of the family would be there. I asked on Thursday so that I could go grocery shopping and decide what I would carry to the lunch at church. I bought the ingredients to make Chicken Lasagna, strawberry cream cheese dessert, drinks, rolls, etc. Well, I asked him to call his mom and tell her that I would be glad to bring these things so that she wouldn't have to cook as much. He called and she said for us "not to bring anything!" That she was doing a ham and all of the sides and had already make a strawberry dessert. OK, we have an egg hunt after church on easter at church every year. DD10 wants to help hide the eggs. She has talked about this all week. I am sure DH hasn't even heard her talk about it. We have just dyed her eggs. Do you think it would be ok for DD and I to stay for lunch at church and let her do the egg hunt and then go to his parents? He could go ahead earlier and have lunch with them. There is no other young kids that will be over there so there won't be an egg hunt at his parents house? What do you think?

I think the 2 of you need to get on the same page when it comes to plans and everything.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He was off work anyway for Good Friday. He went to get the stuff for the mower. Lowes is about an hour away and apparently he just looked around alot. I think the bottom line was that once Friday came, he didn't want to do the yard work or anything else.

If you are going to take care of everything anyway, then you need to do the work when he is busy and then when he is off work, you guys make plans to do fun things and reconnect.

In other words, if he is off work go do fun stuff and blow off steam. Visit family, including his sister who is sick.

It really sounds like you have become the taskmaster and he is avoiding you right now.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, now he tells me that he wants to eat lunch with his parents tomorrow. That is fine but I asked on Thursday and he said that we would just eat lunch at church and go in the afternoon when the rest of the family would be there. I asked on Thursday so that I could go grocery shopping and decide what I would carry to the lunch at church. I bought the ingredients to make Chicken Lasagna, strawberry cream cheese dessert, drinks, rolls, etc. Well, I asked him to call his mom and tell her that I would be glad to bring these things so that she wouldn't have to cook as much. He called and she said for us "not to bring anything!" That she was doing a ham and all of the sides and had already make a strawberry dessert. OK, we have an egg hunt after church on easter at church every year. DD10 wants to help hide the eggs. She has talked about this all week. I am sure DH hasn't even heard her talk about it. We have just dyed her eggs. Do you think it would be ok for DD and I to stay for lunch at church and let her do the egg hunt and then go to his parents? He could go ahead earlier and have lunch with them. There is no other young kids that will be over there so there won't be an egg hunt at his parents house? What do you think?

No, I think you should be with your dh as a family. Don't leave his side. He is trying to avoid you again. Don't let him.