Advice needed - marriage/moving

[CBCJ1979]

Advice needed – I am a single parent of 2 children, my kids and I have been living with my parents for many years now, they have plenty of space in their house, we have our own portion of the house that I had built on a few years back and it just worked to pay them rent and stay there. My children by the way are 9 and 5, so a 4th grader and kindergartner. Last spring, I met a guy, a fabulous guy who I have fallen in love with and we are discussing our future together. He has a beautiful house in a town about 25 minutes away from where we live now. We have discussed that when we marry, we would live in his house. This however, would require the kids moving and having to change schools. My Mother thinks it is a horrible idea, she thinks it is horrible to move my daughter away from all of her friends and activities that she is involved in and I would feel bad about that, but it’s not that far away from her friends, she’d still have connections, but now I am second guessing everything. She says I would be selfish to move the kids because of marriage/love. He just recently refinanced his house, so asking him to sell it to move to my home town doesn’t seem quite right, plus he loves the house, it’s an older house that he has spent a lot of time restoring and it’s so perfect, I love it's charm and beauty. So, my dilemma is, would you move your kids to a new home/new school because of marriage/love? What’s a girl to do?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would move my kids in AFTER I was married and not before. So don't go that route. But yes, if I was married of course my kids are coming with me.

 

[DancingBear]

I would move my kids in AFTER I was married and not before. I am siding with your mother for different reasons.

The OP said:

We have discussed that when we marry, we would live in his house.

 

[Pamlur]

Why would this be different from a parent being transferred? I changed schools when I was a Senior, and my brother was in 7th grade; we lived through it.

I agree that you don't need to make a move until after you are actually married, but at that point it won't do permanent damage to your kids.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Dancing Bear I reread and changed my post before you quoted me.

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

Are you sure it isn't your Mom who is being the selfish one here?

I'm all for trying to make things good for my children, but not moving isn't one of them.

The only question I would have about changing schools is about what the new district is like. Do they have a good rating? Does a high percentage of students graduate and go on to college?

If the schools are comparable, then 25 minutes away isn't too far for friends to do weekend sleep overs. Or for you to drive her to friends' houses.

As long as you are willing to go that extra step to keep in touch with the older friends that your daughter wants to keep in touch with, what is the problem?

Blending a family takes LOTS of compromise. Keep your parents out of the equation. YOU decide what is right for you and your new family with your new spouse being the one to give input. Not your parents. They have no say.

Anyway, take it for what it is worth. Best of luck to you and your new family!!

 

[CBCJ1979]

Exactly - I think maybe my Mom just has some issues, since she has been such an active part in her grandkids lives, she of course is concerned for them and their well being, but I don't think moving them would scar them for life, they would adjust, they would still be close enough to keep current friends and I will not move my kids and I into his house until AFTER we are married!! Thanks.

Few more clarifications - Yes, we met Spring 2009. We wouldn't marry before Summer 2010 and any moving that will occur would be in the summer time, so not to disrupt the kids in the middle of the school year. While it seems like a short time between meeting and marriage - it is a mutual feeling that we are perfect for each other, I truly believe that he is my prince charming, it's magical how he makes me feel, he is so good with the kids, life is good. He found me at a time where I had settled to be single and wasn't looking, just as everyone had said, love would find me when I gave up looking for love. The school district is comparable to the school district we are currently in, it's slightly more rural, but strong academics. The house is in a great neighborhood, walking distance to the Elementary school, walking distance to a beautiful playground, very safe area..

 

[Allison]

Lots of children make at least one move while growing up. I think grandma doesn't want to see the kids leave and is putting a guilt trip on you because of it.

 

[ilovejack02]

I would move children, people move, kids adjust, life goes on .

THe schools would have to be great and it would have to be a nice area that is children friendly. I dont think you are selfish.. 25 mins away .. you can still keep up with friends, they will still see Grandparents etc.

My one question is did you mean you met Spring of 2009.. then I would def. wait to marry and relocate until children are out of school this coming summer .. give you time to get to know him better and let the kiddos finish out the year.

Grandma may just be scared to lose you all and using the kiddos to try and keep you near her.

 

[mumom95]

I think your mom is trying to make you feel guilty because she doesn't want you to move.

It may be a little tough on your kids at first, any move is, but they will adjust and be fine. Plus the bonuses of having a mother who is happy in love with a wonderful man far out weigh the disadvantages of moving for a child.

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

To make things easier for your parents, would you consider making one night their night? My sister takes her family to her MIL's house EVERY Thursday for pizza/pasta night. It's about a 35 minute drive one way. They have been doing this for years. One year my niece had soccer practice/games on Thursday and they still made an effort to be there each week after it was over.

You could make it that the grandparents come to your house or you go to them. Which ever would be best all around.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My question is who babysits your children? If it is your mom, then she might be thinking of things like that, maybe?

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I would move my kids in AFTER I was married and not before. So don't go that route. But yes, if I was married of course my kids are coming with me.

I agree but I have a question about your parents. Are they going to be able to afford the taxes, or mortgage on the addition?

I know your "guy" loves the house but it is ALWAYS best to start a relationship in a house that belongs to everyone. Get a new house if you can.

Our friend just married and they moved into his house & it has caused lots of problems

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree but I have a question about your parents. Are they going to be able to afford the taxes, or mortgage on the addition?

I know your "guy" loves the house but it is ALWAYS best to start a relationship in a house that belongs to everyone. Get a new house if you can.

Our friend just married and they moved into his house & it has caused lots of problems

That is very true. Esp with 2 kids. It is one thing to visit and a whole other deal to live there. Esp. since the kids will be sad to move from grandma's. That is just going to be a part of it.

So while you will be happy the kids will be sad. It does take adjustment and sometimes you can have issues that you have to work thru.

 

[ilovejack02]

I agree but I have a question about your parents. Are they going to be able to afford the taxes, or mortgage on the addition?

I know your "guy" loves the house but it is ALWAYS best to start a relationship in a house that belongs to everyone. Get a new house if you can.

Our friend just married and they moved into his house & it has caused lots of problems

Ehh, I dont think that is always a problem.
The house I grew up in and my parents still live in was my Dad and his first's wife's house. ( she passed away). Mom was always fine with it and Daddy was happy to let her make the place her own.

If my guy had a wonderful old house that he restored , as long as he was prepared for the fact that I might want to make some changes then no big deal. It def. needs to be talked about before moving on.

 

[monkeybug]

Honestly? Not to be rude but I can't believe you would consider not moving 25 miles away to start a new life/family with your husband. Your kids are young...and it's only 25 miles!!!
We are military, we move every 3 or 4 years. There are parts of it that really, really stink, but for the most part we all look forward to it! A new school means new friends! A new house means decorating a new room! Planting flowers in a new yard! Brand new traditions for a new family!! New places to explore! It's an exciting thing!!! In my experience if your excited and have a positive attitude about change, so will your kids. Change is inevitable at some point, get them used to it and excited about it now and life will be that much easier down the road! Of course it's not cruel to move your children when you get married. What would be cruel is trying to keep everything the same for the sake of their comfort, bending over backwards to insure that not too much changes for them, and then sending off into a world where everything changes constantly.
You will only be 25 miles away!! You can see old friends, visit favorite places, and hang out at Grandmas when ever you want. We moved from the West Coast to the East Coast and we still see old friends and visit our favorite West coast places (just costs a bit more now) We make every effort possible to keep friendships alive after we move. I want my kids see that there is always a way to make room for the things that matter in life no matter what changes, and that distance might be an obstacle, but obstacles are there to teach us how to get around them!!
I will not move my kids during high school if possible, but for now I'm excited to show them as many places as possible. Change is one of the building blocks of curiosity and imagination, and experience makes us richer!
Marry that man, move those kids, and invite Grandma over for a decorating party!!!

 

[mrsklamc]

Assuming everything else is great, 25 miles is minuscule. DH and I live STATES away from any family.

 

[Disney Doll]

As long as all else is good (location of new house, neighborhood, school system) which you say it is, then I'd move. As far as the "his" house thing...if the man is the man you say he is, he will have no problem letting you make it your family home...adding your touches and things for the children to make it feel more "homey".

Sounds like Grandma is going to be missing having you all right there and is laying out a little guilt. Understandable...give her a hug.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Honestly? Not to be rude but I can't believe you would consider not moving 25 miles away to start a new life/family with your husband. Your kids are young...and it's only 25 miles!!!
We are military, we move every 3 or 4 years. There are parts of it that really, really stink, but for the most part we all look forward to it! A new school means new friends! A new house means decorating a new room! Planting flowers in a new yard! Brand new traditions for a new family!! New places to explore! It's an exciting thing!!! In my experience if your excited and have a positive attitude about change, so will your kids. Change is inevitable at some point, get them used to it and excited about it now and life will be that much easier down the road! Of course it's not cruel to move your children when you get married. What would be cruel is trying to keep everything the same for the sake of their comfort, bending over backwards to insure that not too much changes for them, and then sending off into a world where everything changes constantly.
You will only be 25 miles away!! You can see old friends, visit favorite places, and hang out at Grandmas when ever you want. We moved from the West Coast to the East Coast and we still see old friends and visit our favorite West coast places (just costs a bit more now) We make every effort possible to keep friendships alive after we move. I want my kids see that there is always a way to make room for the things that matter in life no matter what changes, and that distance might be an obstacle, but obstacles are there to teach us how to get around them!!
I will not move my kids during high school if possible, but for now I'm excited to show them as many places as possible. Change is one of the building blocks of curiosity and imagination, and experience makes us richer!
Marry that man, move those kids, and invite Grandma over for a decorating party!!!

Military thinking is VERY different.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Well if you don't go to his house, or buy another, I guess your other option is for him to move into your parent's house with you and your kids? I somehow can't see that as a viable alternative.

Imagine the problems from his perspective going from being a single homeowner who just invested a ton of time and energy into his *own* home, to being not only a renter in someone else's home, but a renter in someone else's home who's kind of an "afterthought" to the original plan and group of people. Throw in the kids, new marriage and living situation, and the generational, parenting, decorating/upkeep/living and other differences w/your parents and it seems like a recipe for disaster from the get go.

It's probably best to start off together by yourselves somewhere. If you like his home and he's welcoming to all of you in it, then that probably makes the most sense. Naturally your parents will miss you all, but just reassure them they'll still be a part of your lives.