Advice needed! (long post!)

[illini]

My son's dad and I are not married. We spend lots of time together-going to dinner, talking I would almost go as far as to say we are best friends. The first couple years of my son's life (he is 5 1/2) we tried to be in a 'relationship' but it never worked out. So probably for the past 2 years we haven't been intimate at all. Neither one of us has dated anyone else in that time. If he is off he is over here hanging out with us even if my son is visiting his grandparents. I worked this past Sunday. I picked up my son from his dad. I asked my son while he was taking a bath what they did that day. He said they played goofy golf. For some reason I had the feeling it wasn't just the two of them. I said who went? He said 2 girls and 1boy. I said what girls he said one was his dad's GIRLFRIEND and her two kids. I was like WHAT??? I am very hurt and confused. I can't believe he would bring another girl around my son and I had no clue. I know I don't have a right to be mad or jealous. Sometimes though you can't help how you feel! I did ask 'dad' about it and he confirmed that it was true. I was too upset to hear more. Honest to goodness I was up all night Sunday night thinking about it. Do you guys think I am crazy?

 

[TimeforMe]

I don't think you're crazy, I think you're just in shock. You're right inasmuch you don't have a right to be mad, but like you said you can't help how you feel. I think once you adjust to the idea of it, you'll be fine. And who knows, maybe this is what you needed to move on with your life and away from him a bit. to you.

 

[momrek06]

I don't think you're crazy, I think you're just in shock. You're right inasmuch you don't have a right to be mad, but like you said you can't help how you feel. I think once you adjust to the idea of it, you'll be fine. And who knows, maybe this is what you needed to move on with your life and away from him a bit. to you.

ITA with TIME, but OP, are you still, by any slim chance, in love with him OR if not in love, do you have some strong feelings for him and this is not about the "girlfriend" being around your son and more about your son's dad having a girlfriend. As it seemed from your post that despite no relationship you have spent allot of time together even when DS is not there and your are shocked he is seeing other people and he did not confide that in you.

Anyway, as TIME said, maybe this is exactly what you needed to "move on"!

 

[Sherri]

Your feelings are natural. But you have decide what you want. If you want to make a go of it then you have be clear of your intentions, but if you are on the fence, then you have to set him free. Free means he can date.
It sounds like you tried your hand at a relationship with him but just didn't work out for whatever reason.
The big thing that you have to make sure is that you are on the same page. Whoever he dates needs to understand that he has a friendship with you that benefits your son. I have seen it happand before with my friend. Her and her ex were great friends, along comes "L" and even though her ex said that she was jeolous of their friendship he was going to stick to his guns and do the best thing for his kids. Well my friend was left in dust to have years of hell thanks to "L" and her exhusbands lack of b-lls. So please do yourself a favor and tell him how important it is for you to maintain a good relationship for your son.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Somehow you got it in your head he was not dating and kind of made that your "reality".
Yea, I would say it is a little naive.

So what do you do now? Remain calm and hope the girlfriend is a great person for your son's sake.

Maybe you knew deep down and now for some reason you are ready to deal with it which is why you questioned your son this time.
Perhaps you are "growing"?

It will be OK...

 

[poohandwendy]

No, I don't think you are crazy. I think your feelings towards him may be stronger that you think. And his not telling you says that he may also sense that you have feelings for hims, even if only on the subconscious level.

I guess you need to decide if this is jealousy due to wanting him yourself or just not wanting anyone else to have him.

HUGS, sometimes emotions can be confusing and overwhelming.

 

[illini]

Your feelings are natural. But you have decide what you want. If you want to make a go of it then you have be clear of your intentions, but if you are on the fence, then you have to set him free. Free means he can date.
It sounds like you tried your hand at a relationship with him but just didn't work out for whatever reason.
The big thing that you have to make sure is that you are on the same page. Whoever he dates needs to understand that he has a friendship with you that benefits your son. I have seen it happand before with my friend. Her and her ex were great friends, along comes "L" and even though her ex said that she was jeolous of their friendship he was going to stick to his guns and do the best thing for his kids. Well my friend was left in dust to have years of hell thanks to "L" and her exhusbands lack of b-lls. So please do yourself a favor and tell him how important it is for you to maintain a good relationship for your son.

Well that is part of MY problem right now. He wants to keep hanging out like nothing has changed. I feel weird about that and would like some distance from him to get used to being alone.

 

[ilovejack02]

Well that is part of MY problem right now. He wants to keep hanging out like nothing has changed. I feel weird about that and would like some distance from him to get used to being alone.

Im sorry it was such a shock. I would have prob been a bit freaked also. I bet after a few days things wont seem so bad. I think you guys great for having such a good relationship! Its great when parents can work together for the good of the child. It might be good for yall to have a little space. Give it some time and if you find that you really have feelings for him then talk to him about it. If he is hanging out with you two so much, then you must have a great relationship and you two should be able to get past this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well that is part of MY problem right now. He wants to keep hanging out like nothing has changed. I feel weird about that and would like some distance from him to get used to being alone.

If you distance yourself will this impact your son?
Will your son still get visitation?
Perhaps you need to make this more formal...sit down as adults and explain to him that you would prefer he visits with his son without you.
Nothing wrong with that, imo.

 

[FSUGrad97]

Well that is part of MY problem right now. He wants to keep hanging out like nothing has changed. I feel weird about that and would like some distance from him to get used to being alone.

It sounds like to me that he may be trying to keep you hanging on in case the other girl doesn't work out.

If the situation is making you uncomfortable, you need to sit down with him and talk about it.

Now if you all are doing more than just "hanging out," I think he might be using you.

 

[illini]

Now if you all are doing more than just "hanging out," I think he might be using you.

Believe me there is none of 'that' going on!!!

 

[Sherri]

Well that is part of MY problem right now. He wants to keep hanging out like nothing has changed. I feel weird about that and would like some distance from him to get used to being alone.

Keep up your friendship for the sake of your son. Believe me your son will so much benefit from this is the long run. No doubt it is akward for you at the moment, but don't let go of a good friendship and something that works well. OR you can throw all caution to the wind and try again to be more then friends. People are different at every stage of their life, maybe you are not at the same place as you were before when it didn't work out. Maybe you should try again. Just a thought.

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

It sounds like to me that he may be trying to keep you hanging on in case the other girl doesn't work out.

Sounds like this could be true. Men are dogs like that.

 

[kellyg403]

I think it is great that you guys are so friendly. Ex and I had a "great" relationship though he and I both dated other people. We even were able to talk about stuff we never could have when we were married. But, he found the girl of his dreams and slowly things changed. Now we really don't speak much at all. From time to time he will carry a conversation. It is pretty sad to me that he feels that he can't speak to me in an innocent conversation anymore. We actually used to Christmas shop together. The end result, things change and sometimes it is sad and usually it is the way that it is supposed to be. Hopefully he has explained and feels that your relationship with him is as important as his son's relationship is. Though, you will still be "friends" you will technically be different kinds of "friends" if the relationship is/becomes serious. I don't think he will be hanging out etc. Really, if you place yourself in the new girlfriend's shoes, she probably will be jealous and want a change in how things are. You may know there is no hanky panky but she may not be so sure. I hope that things work out and you are able to move on!

Kelly

 

[kilee]

Well, eventually he was probably going to date. Why he didn't mention it, maybe he truly just didn't know how too. Or, he could just be playing all sides of the field here. That's a tough one.

For your jealousy/hurt feelings. I don't think they are that un-natural. You feel like he hid something from you- and that hurts. Me and my ex have been apart for 13 yrs. However, for the 1st 3 yrs we were still "really good friends- if you know what I mean". So, I'll say we've been apart for 10 yrs. Anyhow, I've been married now for 8 of those yrs in a wonderful relationship. Then, at Thanksgiving I found out the ex was dating the girl that we broke up over all those years ago. He hadn't seen in her in almost 10yrs. I had heard a "rumor" a few weeks earlier and asked him if he were dating her. He got cocky and said--- would it bother you if I was?-- I said no, I was just curious- and he said he wasn't. Well, 2-3 weeks later he brought her to my house to pick our son up. I was hurt and I have no "romantic interest" in him at all. I was more hurt because she was someone who had a huge part in our "ugly part of the past" and because he lied when I asked him about it. I thought he respected me more than that.

So, considering you are still really close, I can see why you are having these feelings.

 

[mickeyboat]

I don't have much to add. I can't blame your ex for wanting to find someone to love again, and still maintain a relationship with youfor your son's sake. I also don't blame you for feeling stunned and jealous.

Denae

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well that is part of MY problem right now. He wants to keep hanging out like nothing has changed. I feel weird about that and would like some distance from him to get used to being alone.

I agree with your thoughts and feelings here 100%!!!
I am not thinking that you are truly jealous at all. (don't know where everyone is coming up with that)

If you are spending time 'hanging out' with him, then that is time that you are not out meeting new people and moving on with your life.

You can maintain a relationship with him for your son's sake, without being 'used' and without being his fair-weather friend. (which is what is about to happen if he is dating new women.)

It sounds like to him, your house is like a second home. He feels comfortable coming and going, even when it is not planned and Okayed between you that he will be there to visit his son.

You are completely right to feel as you do!

Perhaps you could sit down with your son's father and set some new boundaries that are fair and acceptable for both of you.

PS: one poster mentioned that the man kind of took off and ignored his child because of his new SO.... Well, that was HIS decision. The woman having boundaries does NOT make her responsible for that. Whether or not you set boundaries should have nothing to do with whether or not this guy wants to see his son.

 

[illini]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their replies. I def have a lot to think about as he is calling more then every talking about us doing this and that. You guys are right though I am never going to move on with him hanging around all the time!

 

[horseshowmom]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their replies. I def have a lot to think about as he is calling more then every talking about us doing this and that. You guys are right though I am never going to move on with him hanging around all the time!

I think you're right. Up until now, the three of you have been a "family" (just not in the traditional way). Now, you've been forced to look at it differently. Realistically, it probably can't stay this way, and it may be causing both of you to miss out on having a relationship with someone special.

I do think it's great that you've stayed such good friends, and it would be really good for your son if that continued. You may just need to make some adjustments for your own sake.

Best wishes and good luck!