Adult daughter nasty to me this week-end

[Andiamo]

In my experience I have learned that it outbursts like this usually has little to do with us . It is said that we often hurt the ones we love and that is because we are close to them and close to their pent up fear ,anger ,and frustration.Like a firefighter that fights a fire,one thing that is extremely dangerous is backdraft. It is when a firefighter unsuspectingly opens a door that holds back smoke and gases waiting to be fed by the oxygen coming from the open door. Forgiveness is not only for the offender by for us as we'll.It allows us to move on and not be held captive to that pain. Although she never should have spoke to you in that way, forgive her. Be the firefighter and put out those flames by showing her the love she needs and those flames will not reignite.Then from there you can rebuild something new when you clear out the ashes.

 

[VickiVM]

Wow, some of you guys are awfully harsh to the OP. Its interesting to see so many people automatically assuming that the OP must obviously be so in the wrong for her daughter to snap at her like she did. So judging on a few posts, she is overmothering, treating her daughters house like a bed and breakfast, and overstepping her bounds.

First off, if her daughter has a problem with her mother staying with her overnight every six weeks or so, then the daughter should tell her parents that before they make the next trip down. The OP explained that the son has a smaller house than the daughter. Maybe he doesn't have a spare room for the parents whereas the daughter does. Regardless, the daughter should not open her home if she doesn't want them there. If the daugher always says its okay, how are the parents to know otherwise?

Second, maybe the OP was simply just trying to do a nice thing and make coffee for her daugher so that it would ready in the morning. Nothing more, nothing less. Funny how some people can take a simple gesture like making coffee and make someone seem like they have committed a great sin against their child by overstepping (no good deed goes unpunished I guess).

The daugher accuses of her asking too many questions, etc. Well, maybe she's just interested in her daughters life. It is quite possible that maybe the daughter feels like the mom is being "nosy" or getting too involved and the mom just doesn't realize that. I know people like that. They don't mean any harm and they don't realize that they are getting too involved. Again though, the daughter should approach it in a better manner.

It sounds to me like the OP and her husband have done a lot for their daughter, including buying the house. Some would consider that a good deed on the part of the parents. Others on here act like they did it to lord it over the daugthers head for the rest of her life (which the OP never makes it appear this way). Maybe the daugher does feel awkward about that and feels obligated to let them stay there. Again, a conversation that should be brought up by her at the appropriate time.

Snapping her mom's head off late at night because she didn't make coffee to her exact specifications and then listing all of her grievances right then and there is not the right time or place. Late at night, people are tired, stressed from the day, and everyone is more emotional. If this is out of character for the daughter, then I can see why the OP is so upset and crying. It hurts your heart when someone you love treats you that way especially when you were most likely just trying to do something nice.

I'm just amazed (although I shouldn't be considering other threads on the disboard) at how harsh some of you are. If I was one of your parents, I'd be afraid to walk into your house for fear of being put into my place.

To the OP, I really truly hope that you are moving on from this and it doesn't hurt your relationship with your daughter. I think that a good heart to heart with her might be due. But, please don't let the people here make you feel like you were in the wrong and make you feel bad.

For the record....I'm the daughter's age and I am very thankful to have a Mom that I love and appreciate very much.

Long time Dis'er here and over the years I have seen so many posts regarding family members, particularly moms and m-i-laws, who have allegedly overstepped boundaries, said or did something inappropriate, etc. And I am always so shocked to see how many Dis'ers respond that said poster shouldn't stand for the behavior, should say something, put the "offender" in their place, etc.

I never understood the mentality of verbally striking back at the family member rather than attempting to have a meaningful conversation about how to interact with one another. Unless you're raised by abusers, there's no need to hurt your parents feelings just so you can put them in their place. I can't see how that would ever solve issues or enhance the relationship.

What's happened to respecting your parents??

 

[gwynne]

Long time Dis'er here and over the years I have seen so many posts regarding family members, particularly moms and m-i-laws, who have allegedly overstepped boundaries, said or did something inappropriate, etc. And I am always so shocked to see how many Dis'ers respond that said poster shouldn't stand for the behavior, should say something, put the "offender" in their place, etc.

I never understood the mentality of verbally striking back at the family member rather than attempting to have a meaningful conversation about how to interact with one another. Unless you're raised by abusers, there's no need to hurt your parents feelings just so you can put them in their place. I can't see how that would ever solve issues or enhance the relationship.

What's happened to respecting your parents??

I thought you, LuvsJack, and Miss Manda all made great points. When I read "let 'em have it" and/or "cut 'em off" type posts I always think this...What kind of mom and/or mother-in-law are they going to be when their kids are adults??

Actually, I think I have a good idea. Sad, though.

 

[DisneyBelle99]

I am close to the OP's age, but this thread brought me back to my 30s, instantly. I was mentioning to my Mom (on the phone) that I was leaving to go food shopping, when she rattled off a list of what I should and should not do.....for some reason, I took it the wrong way, and declared " For the Love of God, Mom, I have been food shopping since I was 18 years old, I think I know what I am doing by now!!!!" LOL, It is not the coffee, or the food shopping, it is the landmines of the mother/daughter dynamic.

I wish I still had her to bug me every now and then! As the old Irish folk song says.....Keep her while she's living, You'll miss her when she's gone. If you need a good cry, google "A Mother's Love's a Blessing "

It will be fine, OP, a blip on the landscape of your lives together.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Wow, some of you guys are awfully harsh to the OP. Its interesting to see so many people automatically assuming that the OP must obviously be so in the wrong for her daughter to snap at her like she did. So judging on a few posts, she is overmothering, treating her daughters house like a bed and breakfast, and overstepping her bounds.

First off, if her daughter has a problem with her mother staying with her overnight every six weeks or so, then the daughter should tell her parents that before they make the next trip down. The OP explained that the son has a smaller house than the daughter. Maybe he doesn't have a spare room for the parents whereas the daughter does. Regardless, the daughter should not open her home if she doesn't want them there. If the daugher always says its okay, how are the parents to know otherwise?

Second, maybe the OP was simply just trying to do a nice thing and make coffee for her daugher so that it would ready in the morning. Nothing more, nothing less. Funny how some people can take a simple gesture like making coffee and make someone seem like they have committed a great sin against their child by overstepping (no good deed goes unpunished I guess).

The daugher accuses of her asking too many questions, etc. Well, maybe she's just interested in her daughters life. It is quite possible that maybe the daughter feels like the mom is being "nosy" or getting too involved and the mom just doesn't realize that. I know people like that. They don't mean any harm and they don't realize that they are getting too involved. Again though, the daughter should approach it in a better manner.

It sounds to me like the OP and her husband have done a lot for their daughter, including buying the house. Some would consider that a good deed on the part of the parents. Others on here act like they did it to lord it over the daugthers head for the rest of her life (which the OP never makes it appear this way). Maybe the daugher does feel awkward about that and feels obligated to let them stay there. Again, a conversation that should be brought up by her at the appropriate time.

Snapping her mom's head off late at night because she didn't make coffee to her exact specifications and then listing all of her grievances right then and there is not the right time or place. Late at night, people are tired, stressed from the day, and everyone is more emotional. If this is out of character for the daughter, then I can see why the OP is so upset and crying. It hurts your heart when someone you love treats you that way especially when you were most likely just trying to do something nice.

I'm just amazed (although I shouldn't be considering other threads on the disboard) at how harsh some of you are. If I was one of your parents, I'd be afraid to walk into your house for fear of being put into my place.

To the OP, I really truly hope that you are moving on from this and it doesn't hurt your relationship with your daughter. I think that a good heart to heart with her might be due. But, please don't let the people here make you feel like you were in the wrong and make you feel bad.

For the record....I'm the daughter's age and I am very thankful to have a Mom that I love and appreciate very much.

I was blessed with an awesome mom and it never would have occurred to me to speak to her hatefully. I miss her every day.

TC

 

[luvmy3]

Wow, some of you guys are awfully harsh to the OP. Its interesting to see so many people automatically assuming that the OP must obviously be so in the wrong for her daughter to snap at her like she did. So judging on a few posts, she is overmothering, treating her daughters house like a bed and breakfast, and overstepping her bounds.

First off, if her daughter has a problem with her mother staying with her overnight every six weeks or so, then the daughter should tell her parents that before they make the next trip down. The OP explained that the son has a smaller house than the daughter. Maybe he doesn't have a spare room for the parents whereas the daughter does. Regardless, the daughter should not open her home if she doesn't want them there. If the daugher always says its okay, how are the parents to know otherwise?

Second, maybe the OP was simply just trying to do a nice thing and make coffee for her daugher so that it would ready in the morning. Nothing more, nothing less. Funny how some people can take a simple gesture like making coffee and make someone seem like they have committed a great sin against their child by overstepping (no good deed goes unpunished I guess).

The daugher accuses of her asking too many questions, etc. Well, maybe she's just interested in her daughters life. It is quite possible that maybe the daughter feels like the mom is being "nosy" or getting too involved and the mom just doesn't realize that. I know people like that. They don't mean any harm and they don't realize that they are getting too involved. Again though, the daughter should approach it in a better manner.

It sounds to me like the OP and her husband have done a lot for their daughter, including buying the house. Some would consider that a good deed on the part of the parents. Others on here act like they did it to lord it over the daugthers head for the rest of her life (which the OP never makes it appear this way). Maybe the daugher does feel awkward about that and feels obligated to let them stay there. Again, a conversation that should be brought up by her at the appropriate time.

Snapping her mom's head off late at night because she didn't make coffee to her exact specifications and then listing all of her grievances right then and there is not the right time or place. Late at night, people are tired, stressed from the day, and everyone is more emotional. If this is out of character for the daughter, then I can see why the OP is so upset and crying. It hurts your heart when someone you love treats you that way especially when you were most likely just trying to do something nice.

I'm just amazed (although I shouldn't be considering other threads on the disboard) at how harsh some of you are. If I was one of your parents, I'd be afraid to walk into your house for fear of being put into my place.

To the OP, I really truly hope that you are moving on from this and it doesn't hurt your relationship with your daughter. I think that a good heart to heart with her might be due. But, please don't let the people here make you feel like you were in the wrong and make you feel bad.

For the record....I'm the daughter's age and I am very thankful to have a Mom that I love and appreciate very much.

The dd sent her mom flowers and apologized, the OP still can't get past it. I think that is why most posters are commenting the way they are. Sure the dd did something that hurt the OP, but she also did something to say she was sorry. That is pretty normal stuff in most relationships, do something, say you are sorry, and both parties move on. The OP claims things will never be the same, and IMO that tells me that she has some issues that we aren't privy too. (Which is fine, I'm not asking her to share) We base our opinions on what info we have, I think some of them about the OP, and the dd, are valid.

OP, its nice that you sent your dd flowers, but maybe you should just call her up and talk. You don't need to apologize, but maybe just explain why you felt so hurt, and maybe she can explain why she said what she did. You will both understand where eachother is coming from, and you guys can move past this. I don't know all the details of your relationship, but this incident seems like such a minor thing to have everything suddenly change. If you let it linger though, it will most definitely change things.

 

[Nancyg56]

I probably did overreact ,but she has never said anything like this to me before and it really hurt. I am not one that cries and especially I hate to have anyone see me cry. But if i say I will try to change things, I am a martyr, and that is not what I intend to be. I could be over mothering since we moved away from them, did not think of that. I guess I could be overcompensating and trying too hard? She has apologized to me and I apologized about the complaints she had about me. I can let it go at that. But if I say that things will never be the same, it means that maybe that is a good thing. Hope that makes some sense.

AS MM said, you did overreact. No going back so you are right to move forward. I have three adult children and they very seldom snap at me but it has happened. There is generally a reason but that does not change that I get hurt, or angry. I have learned that it is best not to dramatize it though. I have had my moments so I figure that they are entitled to a few as well.

Now if this was a regular occurrence I would be saying something different, but it sounds like your DD is pretty respectful. I think you both cool down and then have a conversation about what is really happening between the two of you. I am not one of those "my house my rules" people but I do know that when I am in my children's homes, I defer to them. I think if you discuss what she would like you to do when you visit and then you respect that you may find there are no more issues. Little things like cooking, cleaning or making coffee can add up if there are misunderstandings why you are doing them. DD may think you don't like or approve of how she does things. So talk about it

You did overreact, not probably.

She has NEVER said anything like that? I would have broken you in long ago, mom.

YES, it is a good thing. Hopefully now you can build a relationship with more reciprocity with getting along and being honest with each other without drama.

I love how you never mince words!

Just sent my daughter flowers and apologized to her.

Good Luck!

 

[MagicalMawMaw]

My advise would be... to move on & let it go.

I've found our kiddos or spouse has the most power to hurt us in life.

However, I love mine dearly & hurts aren't going to damage family relationships if there is anyway I can manage for it not too.

Take her apology & just forget about it. I find the forgive & forget way sure goes a long way in making others & myself happy.

 

[gwynne]

My advise would be... to move on & let it go.

I've found our kiddos or spouse has the most power to hurt us in life.

However, I love mine dearly & hurts aren't going to damage family relationships if there is anyway I can manage for it not too.

Take her apology & just forget about it. I find the forgive & forget way sure goes a long way in making others & myself happy.

Totally agree. I handle things with my adult kids in a very similar way. It has worked well for me, too.

 

[thumpersfriend]

well, I talked with my daughter and I am sure everything is going to be okay. She said that she is very territorial with her home and is not used to anyone being there. I can understand that. I guess I do not load her dishwasher the way she likes, or put the vacuum back the right way or hang our coats the way she likes, and she hates fried hamburger smell in her house. These are easy remedies for me and will have her show me how she likes things done. Guess little things can add up and upset her. I did mention that maybe we could get a hotel with a pool when we come down sometimes so we could have our granddaughter with us there but she said that it would hurt her feelings if we did.

So all seems to be good and I feel so much better now. I was over dramatic at the time I wrote the first entry but time does heal all wounds.

 

[Tuffcookie]

well, I talked with my daughter and I am sure everything is going to be okay. She said that she is very territorial with her home and is not used to anyone being there. I can understand that. I guess I do not load her dishwasher the way she likes, or put the vacuum back the right way or hang our coats the way she likes, and she hates fried hamburger smell in her house. These are easy remedies for me and will have her show me how she likes things done. Guess little things can add up and upset her. I did mention that maybe we could get a hotel with a pool when we come down sometimes so we could have our granddaughter with us there but she said that it would hurt her feelings if we did.

So all seems to be good and I feel so much better now. I was over dramatic at the time I wrote the first entry but time does heal all wounds.

Sometimes you just need a place to vent or use as a sounding board.

TC

 

[luvsJack]

OP, I am glad you have made amends with your daughter; but I would HIGHLY suggest you get a hotel room the next time you visit. Your daughter sounds a mite controlling.

She wants you to stay with her--is in fact insisting on it but yet has an issue with some awfully silly things. If it was me, (and I realize it is not and of course you should do what is best for you) I would be very uncomfortable having to worry about how I hung my coat or put the vacuum away (especially since you are vacuuming her house).

I just think, you should really consider what will keep this from happening again and NOT staying with her may be the best thing for all of you.

Best of luck!!

 

[LSmith]

OP, I am glad you have made amends with your daughter; but I would HIGHLY suggest you get a hotel room the next time you visit. Your daughter sounds a mite controlling.

She wants you to stay with her--is in fact insisting on it but yet has an issue with some awfully silly things. If it was me, (and I realize it is not and of course you should do what is best for you) I would be very uncomfortable having to worry about how I hung my coat or put the vacuum away (especially since you are vacuuming her house).

I just think, you should really consider what will keep this from happening again and NOT staying with her may be the best thing for all of you.

Best of luck!!

I agree.

 

[Granny square]

well, I talked with my daughter and I am sure everything is going to be okay. She said that she is very territorial with her home and is not used to anyone being there. I can understand that. I guess I do not load her dishwasher the way she likes, or put the vacuum back the right way or hang our coats the way she likes, and she hates fried hamburger smell in her house. These are easy remedies for me and will have her show me how she likes things done. Guess little things can add up and upset her. I did mention that maybe we could get a hotel with a pool when we come down sometimes so we could have our granddaughter with us there but she said that it would hurt her feelings if we did.

So all seems to be good and I feel so much better now. I was over dramatic at the time I wrote the first entry but time does heal all wounds.

Yay. staying in a hotel would limit grand baby time so I hole you all can walk through this. Good luck. As I said, we all screw up, we all have to make amends sometimes and we all need to forgive some times. Good for you for making those steps!

 

[4nana]

Like usual, this thread has taken on a life of it's own.

Just sent my daughter flowers and apologized to her.

well, I talked with my daughter and I am sure everything is going to be okay. She said that she is very territorial with her home and is not used to anyone being there. I can understand that. I guess I do not load her dishwasher the way she likes, or put the vacuum back the right way or hang our coats the way she likes, and she hates fried hamburger smell in her house. These are easy remedies for me and will have her show me how she likes things done. Guess little things can add up and upset her. I did mention that maybe we could get a hotel with a pool when we come down sometimes so we could have our granddaughter with us there but she said that it would hurt her feelings if we did.

So all seems to be good and I feel so much better now. I was over dramatic at the time I wrote the first entry but time does heal all wounds.

Wonderful ~ Godspeed and let the healing begin !! As I said earlier, we all make mistakes and have short comings - live, learn, and move forward working on a better relationship. Like they say: the best is yet to come.

My dear Mom is 83yo, we have always been the best of friends. Sadly her health is becoming more frail, I visit often and do all I can to help her. I am 66yo, and honestly, I can't begin to imagine the day I no longer have her in my life.

 

[gwynne]

well, I talked with my daughter and I am sure everything is going to be okay. She said that she is very territorial with her home and is not used to anyone being there. I can understand that. I guess I do not load her dishwasher the way she likes, or put the vacuum back the right way or hang our coats the way she likes, and she hates fried hamburger smell in her house. These are easy remedies for me and will have her show me how she likes things done. Guess little things can add up and upset her. I did mention that maybe we could get a hotel with a pool when we come down sometimes so we could have our granddaughter with us there but she said that it would hurt her feelings if we did.

So all seems to be good and I feel so much better now. I was over dramatic at the time I wrote the first entry but time does heal all wounds.

Glad you're feeling better. Sending you a hug. Best of luck to you!

(For what it's worth, I always stay in a hotel when I visit. See how it goes, and you can decide what works over time. It might be sometimes stay with her, sometimes hotel.)

 

[ccgirl]

well, I talked with my daughter and I am sure everything is going to be okay. She said that she is very territorial with her home and is not used to anyone being there. I can understand that. I guess I do not load her dishwasher the way she likes, or put the vacuum back the right way or hang our coats the way she likes, and she hates fried hamburger smell in her house. These are easy remedies for me and will have her show me how she likes things done. Guess little things can add up and upset her. I did mention that maybe we could get a hotel with a pool when we come down sometimes so we could have our granddaughter with us there but she said that it would hurt her feelings if we did.

So all seems to be good and I feel so much better now. I was over dramatic at the time I wrote the first entry but time does heal all wounds.

Bolded mine. Just what I thought (and posted). Do you think she would tell you the truth if she didn't want you to stay there? I know I would probably be afraid to tell my mom for fear of hurting her feelings. I forget how long you said you stay when you come to visit but perhaps getting a hotel with a pool and staying with her may be the best of both worlds. IDK, having her show you how she likes things done just seems a little odd to me. I think things can add up and upset us all.

Regardless, I'm so happy you two were able to talk.

 

[DawnM]

Wow, she was YOUNG when you were born!

My mom was almost 37 when I was born. She is 81.

Dawn

Like usual, this thread has taken on a life of it's own.





Wonderful ~ Godspeed and let the healing begin !! As I said earlier, we all make mistakes and have short comings - live, learn, and move forward working on a better relationship. Like they say: the best is yet to come.

My dear Mom is 83yo, we have always been the best of friends. Sadly her health is becoming more frail, I visit often and do all I can to help her. I am 66yo, and honestly, I can't begin to imagine the day I no longer have her in my life.

 

[LisaR]

OP, I am glad you have made amends with your daughter; but I would HIGHLY suggest you get a hotel room the next time you visit. Your daughter sounds a mite controlling.

She wants you to stay with her--is in fact insisting on it but yet has an issue with some awfully silly things. If it was me, (and I realize it is not and of course you should do what is best for you) I would be very uncomfortable having to worry about how I hung my coat or put the vacuum away (especially since you are vacuuming her house).

I just think, you should really consider what will keep this from happening again and NOT staying with her may be the best thing for all of you.

Best of luck!!

How many different ways are there to hang up a coat and put a vacuum away? If these types of things are getting under her skin that much, I can't imagine how she would react to something really terrible.

Get a hotel room, OP'er.

 

[bedogged]

Really? She is the one that asked if she could watch my children as she needed the money. I pay her a good deal of money to do so. It is her only money in addition to a small social security. I treat her very well. In addition to paying her to watch the kids, I give her bonuses, pay for her cell phone and cable.

My mother is extremely opinionated and judgemental. It's either her way or wrong. Not saying this is the OP. It is just my situation.

Oh, I understand now. Your mother is your employee. That explains everything.