Adult child abuse victims

[The Orchid]

Have any of you (or anybody close to you) experienced child abuse, not only as children, but as adults as well? Somebody very close to me, whom I love with all my heart, is being abused by her mother. This is easily the worst abuse case I have ever encountered in my entire life, and trust me, I've seen a lot. My 40 year old gf has been isolated her entire life by her "mother" except for a few years while she was in the Navy. While my partner has an excellent career and is very successful in that aspect of her life, she has not been "allowed" to have friends, lovers or any relationship outside of work. Then I came along a year ago and have created a lot of havoc in her life. She loves me and isn't about to let go of our relationship, and her mother is making her miserable for it. She's making me miserable too. Never in my 38 years has anybody said the awful things about me that this woman says on a daily basis.

I feel awful because her mother has increased the abuse tenfold since I've come along. I don't know if my partner was better off before me, or if she's better off with me. She never understood that the bizarre way she lived was "abuse" until I came along and showed her through my experience, my education, and many good books and articles that what is happening to her is severe control and abuse and that she almost seems to be suffering from a psychological concept known as Stockholm Syndrome. She's so terrified of this woman who raised her that she sometimes seems immobilized. And why wouldn't she be afraid? Her mother screams at her at the top of her lungs and sometimes even throws furniture in her crazy rages. It is shocking. I have never, ever seen anything like it in my life.

My partner now sees what is going on and is in therapy and reading a lot of books. She has also reached out to friends she met in the Navy, neighbors...anybody who cares enough to listen. Prior to this year, she never told a soul what was happening and hid...literally her entire life...what she was going through. She is definitely at that point of awareness and is seeking and receiving a great deal of validation and support and is working on plans to sever this sick living situation. Obviously this is a huge step for her and she is really, really making progress. The thing that holds her back is that no matter how awful her mother is, no matter how cruel and abusive she is, my partner feels a sense of obligation and responsibility to the woman.

My reason for coming here is that I struggle with this to a huge extreme. I don't understand how a person could feel obligation and loyalty to somebody who has been cruel and abusive for 40 years! I wonder if anybody here can help me understand this. I can't be a good partner until I can understand these complicated feelings. I love this person more than anybody in the world short of my daughter. And incidentally I do have a past with her from many years ago when she lived in my state while in the Navy. We found each other 12 months ago on MySpace and fell in love all over again. I need to know how I can support her and help her through this. She IS making progress and doing all the right things, but I find myself feeling almost angry when she comments about feeling obligated to this monster. I feel guilty for feeling that way.

Any suggestions?

 

[MosMom]

I can relate to your partner. I was abused by my mother as a child and even as an adult the verbal and psychological abuse continued.

I eventually ended up cutting ties with her but believe me, I feel guilt EVERY DAY. I feel like I need to call her but I really don't want to at the same time. It is the most conflicting feeling. She was recently released from prison for a weapons charge. She is currently at a halfway house and supposedly very serious about sobriety but I know all too well how quickly that can change. However, even when my mother is sober she can be a violent and cruel person.

When my son wasn't even a year old she called and threatened to burn my house down with me and my family inside. I got a restraining order. We've had very short periods of contact since but I haven't spoken to her in about 3 years. I'm considering the possibility of giving her another chance but to be honest, I feel like I'm free and the thought of the burden she places on me makes me ill. The damage she has done to my self-esteem is immeasurable and I'm just now starting to get myself back. She would undoubtedly try to tear me down again.

I have a physical response when dealing with her. I quiver like a baby and I am not a sheepish person. I like to think I'm pretty tough but she can bring me to my quivering knees. It is so unhealthy.

It is hard to break that parent/child bond ever after so much harm has come to me. My brother has cut her off and he doesn't care. It doesn't seem to affect him. It makes me a wreck on a daily basis. I wish I had a crystal ball so I would just know what to do.

Honestly, I often think it would be so much easier if she were dead. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person and really just highlights MY weaknesses.

Therapy is a good place for your partner and hopefully she can work through her issues. I spent many good sessions in therapy and lately I've been feeling like I need some more. It definitely helps.

 

[minkydog]

This is a long-standing codependant relationship and you are in danger of being sucked in as well. The first thing you must understand is you cannot fix this. Your partner has to fix it. Therapy is an excellent idea--for both of you. Melody Beattie wrote an excellent book called "Codependant No More." It was originally written for families of alcoholics, but it's principles are universal. I highly recommend you take a look at it.

My parents were very abusive and my mother continues to be emotionally and occasionally verbally abusive. I have had to limit my time with her. I call her about once a month. During a crushing bout of depression earlier this year, I was hospitalized for several weeks. As a result of intensive therapy I came to realize that the "normal" relationship that I thought I had with my mother was actually very unhealthy. Therapy has helped me set boundaries.

Therapy would probably give you a place to safely process this whole situation. Even though it's your partner's history, it's causing both of you pain. Get a different therapist for yourself and consider some couple's therapy to work out how her history of abuse is impacting your relationship.

You don't have to go it alone. This is going to be a looooong, looooong uphill battle. Arm yourself.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

Contact a battered womens shelter and the police.

Abuse is abuse, no matter WHO the perpretator and the victim are.

That will trigger some resources that can help stop that immediately!

allowing it to continue is silent consent.


If you care, do something.

 

[browneyes106]

I have a few people who are/were verbally abused as adults. I know one who physically abused until she was 22 by her father.
My cousin is 20 and she still verbally abused by her mom all the time. My two friends who are brother and sister were verbally abused by their dad up until the time he died.

The woman that I know that physically abused is also hearing impaired. Her dad was always abusive with her mother before she was born. Her father couldn't deal with her disablity and often he hit her for no reason. Her dad was in and out jail and prison. Often the mom would allow him back into the home and the cycle would start again. When my friend turned 22 and had her college education finished she moved away. She hasn't been in contact with her dad since then.

 

[The Orchid]

I can relate to your partner. I was abused by my mother as a child and even as an adult the verbal and psychological abuse continued.

I eventually ended up cutting ties with her but believe me, I feel guilt EVERY DAY. I feel like I need to call her but I really don't want to at the same time. It is the most conflicting feeling. She was recently released from prison for a weapons charge. She is currently at a halfway house and supposedly very serious about sobriety but I know all too well how quickly that can change. However, even when my mother is sober she can be a violent and cruel person.

When my son wasn't even a year old she called and threatened to burn my house down with me and my family inside. I got a restraining order. We've had very short periods of contact since but I haven't spoken to her in about 3 years. I'm considering the possibility of giving her another chance but to be honest, I feel like I'm free and the thought of the burden she places on me makes me ill. The damage she has done to my self-esteem is immeasurable and I'm just now starting to get myself back. She would undoubtedly try to tear me down again.

I have a physical response when dealing with her. I quiver like a baby and I am not a sheepish person. I like to think I'm pretty tough but she can bring me to my quivering knees. It is so unhealthy.

It is hard to break that parent/child bond ever after so much harm has come to me. My brother has cut her off and he doesn't care. It doesn't seem to affect him. It makes me a wreck on a daily basis. I wish I had a crystal ball so I would just know what to do.

Honestly, I often think it would be so much easier if she were dead. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person and really just highlights MY weaknesses.

Therapy is a good place for your partner and hopefully she can work through her issues. I spent many good sessions in therapy and lately I've been feeling like I need some more. It definitely helps.

Oh my gosh, I wish I could give you a great big hug. I've seen the same anguish that you seem to feel in my partner many, many times. I have also heard her say, quite a few times, that she wishes her mother would die. I've thought about what makes people feel that way....I certainly don't think it's bad to think that, not when you have gone through all you have! My God! It seems like what makes it so hard for you and my partner is the fact that your abuser has a tie to you that you're not "supposed" to forget. Am I understanding this right? It doesn't matter what she has done and what we all know she would continue to do if you reached out to her, everything the world teaches us from birth is that we should hold our parent in high regard. So when you have a severely abusive one, there's so much pressure (whether externally or just internally) that it's so difficult to leave. The only thing you can hope for is for her death. I have seen this so many times in my partner. And I can't say I haven't wished for the same! I totally understand and no, it's not bad or wrong in any way to want your freedom, not just physically which you currently have, but emotionally as well. You are clearly still struggling a lot. My mum went through this with her sexually abusive mother. She did as you did...cut all ties. But she was never completely free until the day that evil witch died. My mother was a totally different person after that...happier, free, and she smiled so much more!

I think that if your abuser is a partner/husband/wife, then it's much easier because you can walk away. After some time passes you forget to some degree. I can say this because I was with a severely violent woman for five years and nearly didn't live to tell the story. That was years ago now and I never think about her now. It never occurred to me how lucky I am. I was able to completely dismiss her. But I think with the mother/daughter situation, society implies through TV, movies, music and books that you must not forget your mother, even if your mother is a terrible person which yours obviously is. The Bible even tells us that, doesn't it? Honor thy mother and thy father. How unfair. What an incredible burden these messages send to some people who were not lucky enough to be given what every child deserves...a loving mother. For what it's worth, I don't think many people really feel that way...that a parent should be honored just because they gave birth or were given a baby (my partner was adopted). But because most of us do have warm memories of our mothers, its so easy to assume that everybody does. And that is a terrible injustice for those who don't.

May I just say that I've seen you post many times. I am always amazed when people like you and my partner turn out to be so kind. How on earth do you find a way to be so good when your mothers are so harsh? I find that to be just amazing. God gave you heart and strength, that's for sure! You don't need a crystal ball to know what is right. You only have to learn to trust yourself. When your body quivers in fear just thinking about her, it IS your brain trying to tell you what the answers are. Your mind knows and is directing your body's responses to her, it's your heart that is struggling. I bet everybody who knows you and knows your story is praying that you don't give in. You deserve so much better than that.

Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate it, especially since you seem to really understand what my partner goes through. It's so unfair when a woman grows up without a mother she can trust. It really is like being robbed at birth of something everybody has a right to have.

 

[The Orchid]

This is a long-standing codependant relationship and you are in danger of being sucked in as well. The first thing you must understand is you cannot fix this. Your partner has to fix it. Therapy is an excellent idea--for both of you. Melody Beattie wrote an excellent book called "Codependant No More." It was originally written for families of alcoholics, but it's principles are universal. I highly recommend you take a look at it.

My parents were very abusive and my mother continues to be emotionally and occasionally verbally abusive. I have had to limit my time with her. I call her about once a month. During a crushing bout of depression earlier this year, I was hospitalized for several weeks. As a result of intensive therapy I came to realize that the "normal" relationship that I thought I had with my mother was actually very unhealthy. Therapy has helped me set boundaries.

Therapy would probably give you a place to safely process this whole situation. Even though it's your partner's history, it's causing both of you pain. Get a different therapist for yourself and consider some couple's therapy to work out how her history of abuse is impacting your relationship.

You don't have to go it alone. This is going to be a looooong, looooong uphill battle. Arm yourself.

Oh you are so right about how easy it would be to become codependent with them! I was just telling my partner the other day that early on, I did start to do that! I won't do it now, but the only reason is because, as you suggested (you are very wise!) I have been in therapy myself. I went in specifically so I could handle myself and deal with my partner without becoming to enmeshed into the part of it that could suck me and make me unhealthy with them. OMG, Minkydog, it sure didn't take long being with her before I made that decision either! lmao! I mean, I could absolutely see what was happening to me. You are right. But...as it is, I am in therapy and I have a wonderful therapist who has helped me put up my own boundaries. It is still difficult from time to time, but I think I'm holding my own!

Thanks for the book suggestion by the way. I am very much the type who is willing to read these self-help books and I will go to amazon right away and order it!

I find something you said to be very intresting. You said that in therapy, you found that the relationship that you thought was normal was in fact very unhealthy. My parter, prior to getting together with me, also beleived her relationship with her mom to be normal. Omg, if you knew this this poor woman's mother....it's just amazing that she thought it was normal to live that way. But I have come to understand how profoundly isolated she has been since she was a small child. She had very few adults in her life and was not allowed to have friends or lovers at all, even as an adult. So she had nothing to compare it to. I found that to be so sad.

It was very difficult to get my partner to realize how bad her situation was. She really beleived it to be normal. I would show her literature, send her links to articles about the cycle of abuse, and I would point out virtually every incident with her mother and compare that incident to stuff I sent her in literature on domestic abuse. I know I nearly lost her becuase she was so mad at times that I would imply anything was wrong. But little by little I got through to her!

I am going to see her next week (we live 3000 miles apart) and togehter we are going to look for land for a new home...one her mother won't be part of...but I will! So all in all, there HAS been a huge amount of success. She does not want to be with her mother anymore. She knows how bad it is. She is in therapy, she is reading books (and she's not the type who generally enjoys reading very much), she talks all the time with me and shares what is happening in her home. A year ago, not a soul knew. Now she has told me, her friends from the military, her nieghbor and a therapist. I feel like that point where she started telling people was a huge turning point because that is the point where she knew she was a victim and also when she told these other people, she got even more validation. So she knows. The only thing she really struggles with is the horrible sense of obligation. But her mother made her feel that way. She really convinced her daughter that because she adopted her and raised her that she owes her a life. Becuase she made the sacrifices that all mother's make, she deserves to live a comfortable life. But that's another thing that has helped my partner...watching how I am with my now 18 year old daughter. She sure has learned what normal is and isn't!

Anyway, thanks so much for you insight! It's easy to see, you have experience here!

 

[The Orchid]

I have a few people who are/were verbally abused as adults. I know one who physically abused until she was 22 by her father.
My cousin is 20 and she still verbally abused by her mom all the time. My two friends who are brother and sister were verbally abused by their dad up until the time he died.

The woman that I know that physically abused is also hearing impaired. Her dad was always abusive with her mother before she was born. Her father couldn't deal with her disablity and often he hit her for no reason. Her dad was in and out jail and prison. Often the mom would allow him back into the home and the cycle would start again. When my friend turned 22 and had her college education finished she moved away. She hasn't been in contact with her dad since then.

Omg. Abuse is pathetic, disgusting and sick no matter what the circumstances, but to hurt a disabled child is beyond reprehensible. Thank God she got out and is now pursuing an education. I hope she never goes back near the nut case.

I feel bad for you for having to witness so much of it. It never gets easy. When I worked at the shelter, I felt so drained every night when I went home. Sometimes I would cry because I would worry so much about some of the cases, especially those with small children. So much cruelty.

I hope those you mentioned are able to find some peace in their lives. Thank you for sharing.

 

[The Orchid]

Contact a battered womens shelter and the police.

Abuse is abuse, no matter WHO the perpretator and the victim are.

That will trigger some resources that can help stop that immediately!

allowing it to continue is silent consent.


If you care, do something.

If I care?

There are ways to go about things that bring about success and ways to go about things that bring on disaster! Had I called 911 on her mother, she would have walked away from me forever, would never have received the knowledge that I have given her, never would have made it to therapy, would not be about to move away, and her mother would have gotten out of jail anyway! And that is assuming that I was there or somehow witnessed the situation. Unless you see a crime committed, it you can't call 911! Besides, the abuse is mostly verbal and emotional anyway. In my state, you can't call the police because somebody is saying mean things.

Trust me, I'm not "silently consenting" to anything here. I have been proactive in my partner's awareness and therapy from the very beginning and thankfully, I have gained her 100% trust and because of that, one more victim is about to leave her abuser!

The reason I came here was actually because I was seeking help understanding certain aspects of what she is going through. As for the rest, she and I have it under control! But thanks for posting.

 

[MosMom]

I think the turning point is realizing you are an adult now and you don't have to put up with their **** anymore! Write it on a chalkboard over and over like Bart Simpson "I don't have to put up with her **** anymore".

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

If I care?

There are ways to go about things that bring about success and ways to go about things that bring on disaster! Had I called 911 on her mother, she would have walked away from me forever, would never have received the knowledge that I have given her, never would have made it to therapy, would not be about to move away, and her mother would have gotten out of jail anyway! And that is assuming that I was there or somehow witnessed the situation. Unless you see a crime committed, it you can't call 911! Besides, the abuse is mostly verbal and emotional anyway. In my state, you can't call the police because somebody is saying mean things.

Trust me, I'm not "silently consenting" to anything here. I have been proactive in my partner's awareness and therapy from the very beginning and thankfully, I have gained her 100% trust and because of that, one more victim is about to leave her abuser!

The reason I came here was actually because I was seeking help understanding certain aspects of what she is going through. As for the rest, she and I have it under control! But thanks for posting.

Sorry, you didn't understand my post. I made the assumption that you care, otehrwise you wouldn't just post it here and discuss it on and on while she is being mistreated.

And you don't need to call 911, you need to call the police and get in touch with the abuse unit, sometimes its called sexual crimes unit, sometimes its the elder abuse unit. Don't let the titles fool you, they handle all forms of abusive behaviour. and they work hand in hand with social services agencies.

The key thing is to REPORT it, if they start monitering the situation and it continues, they can do something about it.

AS for losing her, how do you think she will feel if you "stood by" and did nothing if an "accident" happens and she suffers a physical injury?

Mental abuse is even worse.

I stand by my previous post. DO SOMETHING!

 

[Judy from Boise]

I don't think that is actually accurate, competent adults can "consent" to be abused, only children and legally classified vulnerable adults would fall under these type of mechanisms.

 

[browneyes106]

Omg. Abuse is pathetic, disgusting and sick no matter what the circumstances, but to hurt a disabled child is beyond reprehensible. Thank God she got out and is now pursuing an education. I hope she never goes back near the nut case.

I feel bad for you for having to witness so much of it. It never gets easy. When I worked at the shelter, I felt so drained every night when I went home. Sometimes I would cry because I would worry so much about some of the cases, especially those with small children. So much cruelty.

I hope those you mentioned are able to find some peace in their lives. Thank you for sharing.

I was really sad when my friend told me the stuff her dad used to do to her. I couldn't imagine a disabled child being abused by parent. She is careful when she visits her mom in Oklahoma. Her parents are divorced but when the dad needs to a place to crash the mom lets him stay at her house.

My cousin is in contact with her mom but she rarely talks to her or visits. I think she found some peace in her life.

 

[minkydog]

Anyway, thanks so much for you insight! It's easy to see, you have experience here!

Sadly, more than you know. Thanks for the kudos.

 

[robinb]

I don't think that is actually accurate, competent adults can "consent" to be abused, only children and legally classified vulnerable adults would fall under these type of mechanisms.

Hmmm ... I'm going to have to disagree. I think that they OP's partner has been raised to continue to be dependent on her mother. We, from the outside, see it as "mechanisms" and "spells", but from the inside it is reality.

The Orchid, I do know someone who is abused by his wife. She forced him to break contact with all of his friends (but one) and then worked on separating him from his family. She was quite successful at it and is now bored with the game and asked for a divorce. He *still* doesn't see the evil witch she is and she continues to dangle him from her strings while she sets up the divorce settlement to her satisfaction. BTW, Judy, I *do* think the HE consented to be abused in this way. He was a grown, albeit quite needy, man when she came into his life. He was drawn to her like a moth to flame and there was nothing we could do to help him.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

I don't think that is actually accurate, competent adults can "consent" to be abused, only children and legally classified vulnerable adults would fall under these type of mechanisms.

not true, have you ever heard of sposal abuse?

I have seen several instances of this, be it domestic partners of the same sex, or husband and wife, and once a daughters boyfriend was abusing the parents of his girlfriend. Like the OP stated, once the abuser gains control of the victim, it can continue for years.

It is still a "toxic" enviroment for the victim, and very much needs to be addressed.

abuse of anyone, sexual, physical, or mental, is a violation of that persons basic civil rights.

 

[The Orchid]

Sorry, you didn't understand my post. I made the assumption that you care, otehrwise you wouldn't just post it here and discuss it on and on while she is being mistreated.

And you don't need to call 911, you need to call the police and get in touch with the abuse unit, sometimes its called sexual crimes unit, sometimes its the elder abuse unit. Don't let the titles fool you, they handle all forms of abusive behaviour. and they work hand in hand with social services agencies.

The key thing is to REPORT it, if they start monitering the situation and it continues, they can do something about it.

AS for losing her, how do you think she will feel if you "stood by" and did nothing if an "accident" happens and she suffers a physical injury?

Mental abuse is even worse.

I stand by my previous post. DO SOMETHING!

No offense, and I do mean that...I don't think you have read everything I've written. I have done a LOT to help her, and I have absolutely taken the risk of losing her. I could understand your comments if I was here showing signs of uncertainty. I am not! I know what has to be done and I have been doing it for nearly a year now. It's almost as though it's hard for you to believe that I could possibly be doing what needs done. I was a psychology major who then spent three years working in a battered women's shelter. I am not inexperienced and I do know how to assess these kinds of situations, and most definitely I know how to determine how best to help the woman I love and plan to spend my life with. I'm really trying to be kind but asking me to DO SOMETHING! when I have made it clear that I have is a little offensive. Did you read what I wrote? I made her aware of her situation and isolation (even though it made her very angry and nearly broke us up early on!), I got her into therapy, I got her reading, she stands up to her mother, she reaches out to other people, she's happy and optimistic about her life, she parting ways with her mother (in fact the witch is moving 2000 miles away from her), she's selling her home and buying a new one with me so the witch can't try to worm her way back. We're going to continue therapy as a couple once I am there with her. What more "do something" do you seriously propose? Calling an abuse center? What exactly would they do that I haven't already done? I have, through a great deal of love and patience, helped her a lot. She has told me many times that had it not been for me, the abuse would have gone on forever until it killed her (not from physical violence but by many stress related health issues).

You just cannot apply the same standard to every abuse case. People are not created from cookie cutters. An abuse center would have been appropriate had my partner refused to become aware and take steps to get away. But she's making wonderful progress! Besides, she has her own personal domestic violence advocate who she is quite pleased with! She talks to me about things she's never told a soul. Do you really think I'd betray her trust when she's responding so well to what we are doing together and bring in strangers at an abuse center, knowing it would piss her off and making her crawl BACK into her isolation shell??? Not a chance! I know exactly what I'm doing. If you still don't want to believe me, then we must agree to disagree.

For what it's worth, I was a victim of domestic abuse. I lived in hell for five years, beaten, choked, kicked and when I left her she tracked me down, tried to set my house on fire, killed one my my pets, and tampered with my car. When several different police officers told me that they did not feel confident that they could keep me safe, I changed my name and ID and my daughter's as well, and started over in a new location as a new person. So yes...I do have a bit of experience in this sorta thing. I also know that I survived it because of the love and patience of wonderful friends who never gave up on me. Had one of those friends called a social service without my consent, all that would have succeeded in doing is make me mistrust my friends, thus shutting them out and sinking deeper into isolation. If a woman isn't ready to leave, getting her pissed off at her only support just is not the right answer. So we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. My partner needed somebody she could trust, and I am proud to be the one she chose. I have not taken the privilege of her love and trust lightly. Having been where she is, I know that the trust she has given me is the highest compliment I have ever received.

Again, the reason I posted here is that, through all of this, there are a few things I don't understand. And as I begin my life with her, I want to be as supportive to her as I can. To those who realize what I was looking for in writing this post, I thank you. You have been very helpful and I have already talked to her about the things you have shared. I feel like I'm a little closer, thanks to your help.

 

[The Orchid]

Hmmm ... I'm going to have to disagree. I think that they OP's partner has been raised to continue to be dependent on her mother. We, from the outside, see it as "mechanisms" and "spells", but from the inside it is reality.

The Orchid, I do know someone who is abused by his wife. She forced him to break contact with all of his friends (but one) and then worked on separating him from his family. She was quite successful at it and is now bored with the game and asked for a divorce. He *still* doesn't see the evil witch she is and she continues to dangle him from her strings while she sets up the divorce settlement to her satisfaction. BTW, Judy, I *do* think the HE consented to be abused in this way. He was a grown, albeit quite needy, man when she came into his life. He was drawn to her like a moth to flame and there was nothing we could do to help him.

You are absolutely right! My partner's mother didn't want a baby. When she went to the adoption agency, she seemed to believed she was purchasing life insurance. She has taught my partner from day one that it is her responsibility to take care of her. She made my partner feel guilty, even as a young child, because her mother had to work and cook and things. My gf has grown up believing that she owes a debt if you can believe it. The mother quit working years ago and has lived very, very comfortably off her daughter. She is a borderline and a narcissist by the way. Anybody who knows people with cluster II personality disorders realizes that this is an impossible situation.

But yes, my partner was taught early on that this is what is expected of her. Her mother used guilt, shame, obligation, insults and sometimes physical violence to make this sink in. My gf was exposed to very few adults or children. She wasn't allowed to have friends...the mother would act so horribly that it scared people away. Even I was just horrifed by what the woman said. But I have loved my gf for 14 years. No way was that borderline b***h going to scare me away! Niether of us ever forgot the other and it was like magic when we found each other. She immediately gave all her trust to me. It was hard for her to hear the truth, but she eventually did come to understand. And now we're making real progress! I have no doubt that I'm doing the right thing.

And I also have no doubt that she did not give her consent for the abuse. She was brainwashed. Period. I have never in the years I worked at the shelter seen such a profound case of it. It was like Stockholm Syndrome with her...the door out was there, but she was immobilized with fear and the only way she knew how to cope was to indentify with her abuser.

Robin, it's sad what happened to your friend. And it also makes a great point...men are not the only ones capable of abusing people. My abuser was a woman too. It defintely happens! I hope someday he realizes that he deserves better than that. It's too bad how nice people can get drawn to such sick individuals.

 

[kellyg403]

I can only say this, continue to encourage her to seek help and continue to support her in anyway that you can. Eventually she will break away and see the situation for what it is.

The oddest thing that I have discovered about myself is that while I am cognizant of the horrible things I and my brothers/sisters endured as children we each dealt with it differently. I continue to play the savior/peacemaker no matter how I try not to. My one sister does not speak to our parents unless she is forced and my other siblings have moved far away. I am 44 years old and my father will still get mad about something and call and play the litany of abuse. I cry for a day and let it go. I don't call him or my mom but when they are in need I find myself going there and doing what a good daughter should. When something happens and my mom calls and screams about her ungracious children and all she has done for us I pretend she is right and let it go and don't make waves.

The truth of the matter is they are my parents. A lot of what they did was wrong. I am adult who, after quite a few years of therapy, still finds it difficult not want to resort to some of behaviors as a child. One of my father's favortie punishments was to make us go to our closets for weeks at a time. We slept, ate and sat there for days at a time. As children we would fight over who got the linen closet though it was pretty touchy if that would work. We were not allowed to move shoes, but sit on them, we were not allowed to cover ourselves with a say a jacket if it got cold in the night etc. To prove his point you never knew when he would open the closet door and you never knew what you might do to get stage 2 of his punishment which usually involved serious physical violence. Stress to this day makes me want to cringe and hide in a dark place..i.e., the closet. I don't go in a closet but I want that feeling of invisibility that it provided. Even as children, our roles were clearly defined. Often times as the oldest I would take the blame for situations to avoid my siblings getting punishment. I have one sibling who would do whatever it took to make someone else take the punishment they were to blame for. To this day he is the same. As a child, I would remind myself that they were my parents what would happen to us if we got taken away from them. They would separate my brothers/sisters from me and I played the role of 'mother' and for their safety I needed to keep us together. I went so far as to lie to Social Services when I was 10 and a neighbor had called them. The thought of leaving the situation or having the situation resolved in that way made fear a daily problem for me that people would find out. To this day I am an extremely private person. Basically, the situation shaped who I am today..some good some bad. It is hard for to think that is a 'bad' thing.

The best thing is getting through each step myself with support from others. The idea is that I am the only one who can change the guilty feelings I have towards them that is all crumpled up with love, hate, fear and a host of other feelings. Be there, love her. She will go back. Your version of what her relationship with her mom will never be hers. She has to define that when she is strong enough to do so. It may be she cuts her mom off completely, she may need some type of relationship and will take what she can deal with. There are endless possibilities. Yeah, its wrong and all screwed up. But it is something she has to define.

Kelly

 

[bubie2.5]

I'm no therapist but this sounds a little like Emotional Incest. (Don't be scare by the name, it has nothing to do with sex.)

Remind her you're there for here. Mothers like that often pray on their child's self esteem with comments like: "you're all I have", "I'm all you've got", "Nobody will love you like I do". Your partner need to know she's NOT alone.