Adoption

[fey_spirit]

This may not be the place, but I need to talk about this and I don't know who else to turn to.

I want kids - I want them badly enough that I know that if I don't have them it will be the one thing I look back on in my final moments and say "I regret"...
The problem is I'm gay - and I'm going to stay that way. I can't have children based on medical complications so natural childbirth is out. What are my options?

Also, if we go the adoption route - how do I ensure that if something were to happen to me or my wife, the other would get custody?

 

[chip007]

A lot will depend on where you live since adoption is a state law issue.

Some states allow "second parent adoptions" so that both members of the couple are legal parents. Other states do not.

You also need to consider whether to adopt internationally or not as there are advantages and disadvantages in either case.

I suggest starting by talking to folks at a few adoption agencies as they should be able to give you a run down of the rules in your area.

Good luck.

 

[fey_spirit]

I'm sure we can't adopt in this state (Kentucky) but we don't really want to live her for the rest of our lives anyway. Knowing which states offer the best options in this arena could be a major deciding factor for me in where we choose to move to. Any ideas where to start looking?

A lot will depend on where you live since adoption is a state law issue.

Some states allow "second parent adoptions" so that both members of the couple are legal parents. Other states do not.

You also need to consider whether to adopt internationally or not as there are advantages and disadvantages in either case.

I suggest starting by talking to folks at a few adoption agencies as they should be able to give you a run down of the rules in your area.

Good luck.

 

[Accentuate+]

Mostly posting to wish you the best of luck in finding a way to expand your family. And to say that adoption is only one of many ways to do so. There's a wealth of information online regarding the legal aspects of each but in addition to adoption you could consider artificial insemination (probably the cheapest and easiest from a legal standpoint and you can even take an, ummm, "do it yourself" approach) as well as surrogates (not cheap but possibly a shorter wait list than adoption).
I have friends who went the surrogate route and because the surrogate lived in and the baby was born in California my friends (a gay male couple) were listed as the parents on the birth certificate from day one. They are both legally dad. It was, however, a very expensive (albeit worth it) and long journey.
I also have lesbian friends who took care of things the old fashioned way and one of them got pregnant and the other adopted the baby when it was born. As mentioned previously this approach may be impacted by the laws in your state but it was a quick, realtively inexpensive way for them to have the family they wanted.
International adoption can often be accomplished more quickly than domestic adoptions but some countries will not work with gay couples. Many circumvent that by one parent initially adopting as a single parent and the second parent adopting after the first adoption is complete and the baby is in the US.

Pretty long-winded post just to say "best of luck". Definitely do some googling, though. There are several organizations out there that can help you in your quest and they've already done a lot of the work and research.

 

[chip007]

A quick search on gay or lesbian adoption should give you a lot of information. One good place to start is Lambda Legal which has a report of laws in the different states.

It's located at http://www.lambdalegal.org/our-work...ily/parenting/overview-of-state-adoption.html

 

[donald...really]

Here is another site with information that might be helpful:

http://www.hrc.org/issues/parenting/adoption.asp


We are in the process of adopting a child from foster care here in Massachusetts. So far it has never been an issue that we are a gay couple. As a matter of fact, in some of the children's profiles it says the child would do better with a 2 father or 2 mother family.

Good luck.

 

[mykidsintow]

We are also in KY. I am a CSP, but I can't have children. There are many options for you. From sperm donors and one of you carrying, surrogates, adoption, etc.

You may not be able to adopt a child through the state of KY, tho I don't see why not... I know KY can be behind the times and I do understand that. You can always find a private agency. A private agency willing to do a homestudy gets you on the map for private adoption, or adoption of a waiting child through another state that has no problem with same sex couples.

There are options! I know its so very hard. Our son was foster/adopt. Our daughter was a private adoption.... we are currently considering a surrogate. We are in the "considering" phase and no further. To be honest I am nervous about it!

I also forgot to mention that neither of our children were adopted within our state. Thats not really a big issue.

 

[OrlandoMike]

From Wikipedia, about KY.....


State LGBT individual may petition to adopt

Yes


Same-sex couple may jointly petition

No explicit prohibition


Same-sex partner may petition to adopt partner’s child

Unclear

And for the record, Florida is the only state with a definitive NO for "State LGBT individual may petition to adopt", yet we still have thousands of kids in the Foster Care Carousel!

 

[turkygurl]

That's one thing that's always upset me here in Florida. I have a gay brother and a straight (and wild) sister. My brother would make the far better parent (although he doesn't want kids and is more than happy to spoil mine), but my sister can go out and sleep around and have as many as she wants (1, so far, that my mom cares for). There are so many kids that need a loving family, what does it matter if there is one mom and one dad, one mom alone, one dad alone, two dads, two moms, etc.

 

[nordkin]

Here is another site with information that might be helpful:

http://www.hrc.org/issues/parenting/adoption.asp


We are in the process of adopting a child from foster care here in Massachusetts. So far it has never been an issue that we are a gay couple. As a matter of fact, in some of the children's profiles it says the child would do better with a 2 father or 2 mother family.

Good luck.

Congratulations!! You two will make great parents. We enjoyed spending time with you guys on the 11 night Southern Cruise on DCL. Best of luck to you both.

Donna

 

[Ashes8380]

I don't have personal experience with this, but I know in NY adoption is possible. My two aunts have kids - one aunt was artificially inseminated and the other is an adoptive parent. and they're two of the best mommies on earth <3 good luck!

 

[goldilocks_63]

Wow! I didn't realize that it would be that hard for gay couples to adopt. This is amazing to me because so many kids need a loving home.

Let me know if I can give any info to help. I went thru clomed, IVF, as well as domestic (failed adoptions) before we successfully adopted an older child Internationally.

I loved my agency. Please email or pm me if you want to hear about any of the experiences hubby and I went thru.

Pixie Dust, Goldi

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Could your partner carry the baby? I have heard of lesbian couples using the egg from one partner and then having the other partner carry the fetus because that gives you both a legal claim to the child. I know one gay couple who have used a surrogate, and one lesbian couple who adopted but I think they did international adoption, not domestic.

Best of luck to you!!

 

[Viki]

It can be hard road, but I urge you to travel it - we succeeded twenty years ago when things were really tough, but it was more than worth the effort, patience, and tears. We are now the very proud parents of two wonderful adult children.

 

[MousekaMaddi]

interesting thread..........thanx for starting it, Im really curious so see it unfold, Im nervous about a close friend who was inseminated with her partners egg and became pg and delivered their child, theyre all 3 doing great but Im afraid for all involved if they ever split, how does it all work? Theyre 2 girls(obviously!!!) Im straight -married Mom of one-just hoping for the best for them.

Good luck to all of u, hoping your dreams all come true!!

 

[hematite153]

interesting thread..........thanx for starting it, Im really curious so see it unfold, Im nervous about a close friend who was inseminated with her partners egg and became pg and delivered their child, theyre all 3 doing great but Im afraid for all involved if they ever split, how does it all work? Theyre 2 girls(obviously!!!) Im straight -married Mom of one-just hoping for the best for them.

Good luck to all of u, hoping your dreams all come true!!

Fear strikes me as a strange emotion. Was she afraid for you when you had children?

Basically, it all works the same way as any two parent situation. Everyone hopes that the relationship makes it through the ups and downs of life. But, the majority of marriages do, these days, end in divorce. So, if they split up, it works just like when a 'straight' couple splits up. They have to work out an agreement and a plan regarding co-parenting--sometimes it is mutually agreed on and everyone focuses on the kids; sometimes people get caught in anger and fighting. (If it makes you feel better, I've actually read a few studies that showed same-sex couples have a lower divorce rate than opposite sex couples.)

Instead of being afraid for her, I'd encourage you to celebrate the joys of motherhood with her.

 

[NikkiPants]

Oh man, that's rough. I really hope things work out for you and you can finally have the children you want sometime very soon.
I was jokingly going to say, "Move to Massachusetts, no one seems to give a care about anything like that around here." But in all honesty, I really do wish you the best with everything.