Adoption Related and Taking Sibling on Trip

[geniegirl]

This gets complicated

We adopted our son at 6 months (now 4.5), he has a full bio brother (7) who lives with the birthmom. In the past 2 years we have become fairly close even though we live 8 hours apart. Last summer we spent a week in their area and JJ's brother spent the week with us and Birthmom came over after work in the evenings. They also came north for JJs 4th BD. We all like this closeness as it allows the boys to be part of each others lives and she in no way tries to step over her bounds. She knows we are JJs moms and respects that and is happy with her decision to give the best to both of her sons.

Our dilemma is we are going to disney in october and we cant decided if we should ask her to have let D join us for the trip. I know they will never be able to make this trip as she struggles to make ends meet as it is.

Things to consider:
1. in order for us to stay on schedule she would have to drive about 5 hours to a meeting point that we would pass on out route down. this would require her taking a day off work to make this happen. This is not an issue for the return trip as we break that into 2 days and can take a different/longer route home.

2 D would miss 6 days of school (2nd grade)

3 What about him getting home sick, she did say that if he came for a visit this summer without her she didnt think it would be an issue but you never know

4 we would have to cover all his costs, tickets, food, gifts. this can be kept under control with breakfast at condo and packing lunches (we already were going to due this to medical issues for us) and just getting counter dinners. also as far as gifts we would limit this too and do some of our own shopping when he was otherwise occupied as to not making him feel left out.

5 we are on the go travelers so i dont know how is stamina is and if disney would be too much especially being on his own.

some of these concerns are out of our hands but we cant ask her until we decide we are ok with even asking. the boys would love it and get along well plus he is a good kid and listens

so what do you think and what would you do

 

[fireflymedic]

This gets complicated

We adopted our son at 6 months (now 4.5), he has a full bio brother (7) who lives with the birthmom. In the past 2 years we have become fairly close even though we live 8 hours apart. Last summer we spent a week in their area and JJ's brother spent the week with us and Birthmom came over after work in the evenings. They also came north for JJs 4th BD. We all like this closeness as it allows the boys to be part of each others lives and she in no way tries to step over her bounds. She knows we are JJs moms and respects that and is happy with her decision to give the best to both of her sons.

Our dilemma is we are going to disney in october and we cant decided if we should ask her to have let D join us for the trip. I know they will never be able to make this trip as she struggles to make ends meet as it is.

Things to consider:
1. in order for us to stay on schedule she would have to drive about 5 hours to a meeting point that we would pass on out route down. this would require her taking a day off work to make this happen. This is not an issue for the return trip as we break that into 2 days and can take a different/longer route home.

2 D would miss 6 days of school (2nd grade)

3 What about him getting home sick, she did say that if he came for a visit this summer without her she didnt think it would be an issue but you never know

4 we would have to cover all his costs, tickets, food, gifts. this can be kept under control with breakfast at condo and packing lunches (we already were going to due this to medical issues for us) and just getting counter dinners. also as far as gifts we would limit this too and do some of our own shopping when he was otherwise occupied as to not making him feel left out.

5 we are on the go travelers so i dont know how is stamina is and if disney would be too much especially being on his own.

some of these concerns are out of our hands but we cant ask her until we decide we are ok with even asking. the boys would love it and get along well plus he is a good kid and listens

so what do you think and what would you do

I dont think I would take him out of school or put Mom in the postion to have louse a days pay.

 

[3kidsfordis]

Ask his mom and tell her not to mention it to her son until she has really thought it over and decided if it is somethiong she would want to do. It would be great for the boys to have some more shared experiences together. His mom can decide if it is worth it for him to miss school. The boys would probably play together a bit so it could give you a little break as well.

 

[squirrel]

If you and your partner both think you can handle having him then I would let his mom know what your plans are.

Maybe an e-mail or letter would be best. You can write down when you are planning to go, when you would like to book the trip (so she knows how long she can think about it), and any other information she may need to decide if it will work for her and her son.

The schools down in the US seem to be a bit more strict about missing days. I would give her plenty of time to decide and also check with the school to make sure it will be okay for him to miss 6 days.

 

[Leajess99]

First, I would look on the website for his school to see if they have the student handbook posted for the attendance policy. Being in 2nd grade and missing 6 days may not be a bad thing but you have to know if bio mom is going to be sent for truancy if he gets to go.

Secondly, I am not sure he would really get homesick being at Disney World but you never really know. I would think that being with his brother would help any problem with homesickness too.

Talk to bio mom and run your idea by her. It is a very nice thing that you are considering doing and she may be able to ease your fears about taking him.

Also, as far as his stamina, little kids will suprise you but if you are concerned maybe get a sit & stand or double stroller and have him in it with his brother (if you are bringing one for your child).

Good luck with whatever your decision.

 

[CozumelDisneyFan]

She will probably flinch at losing a days pay, but perhaps there is an option... taxi? But be appreciative of the opportunity.

We are alo trying to get my DSs friend to come with us, free in room and DP, Mom will pay for tix and park passes bcuz as only children, they will have a blast to have another child to experience it with (for DS5, this is 4th trip. friend is a newbie)

Dont know from US or Canada, but from Mexico, both of her parents will have to sign a legal document allowing us to take her from Mexico, and to give us authorization to make medical decisions in case of an accident

 

[geniegirl]

Thanks. As to the working issue she would have enough time to swap her day off I think plus without having to worry aboit child care for the week she would be better able to pick up extra shifts. So her missing a day might not be such a big deal if this is the case.

Oh so many things to think about and I will trybto check into the school stuff before we bring it up. Good idea thanks, last thing we need is an issue there.

 

[duffy]

I'd give her the choice of deciding whether or not losing a day's pay is worth her son getting a trip. Same with deciding if he should be taken out of school.

He is her son, and if she has no problem losing the day's pay or him missing school, then there's no problem.

And of course you discuss this privately with her, and don't tell him until you know for sure if she says yes. You don't want him to get all excited and then dash his hopes cruelly to the ground!

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My sister and her husband had just split up, and I offered to take my niece, aged 9 then. I explained to my sister that I'd pay for her ticket and food, we were driving, so no plane ticket to buy.

All my sister had to do, was drive 2 hours to my house to drop her off and pick her up, and give her any spending money that she thought was appropriate. And yes, have her miss school if she thought that was ok.

And she had to decide: her little brother would have to miss the trip. (too young to be separated from mom that long.) Would he be too upset?

My sister decided that it was ok for her to miss school, and we had a great time. Two years later, I went back with my niece...and her mom and her little brother too!!

 

[TheRatPack]

Would the birth mother have any issues with you taking him somewhere that she could probably never afford to take him though? I mean is she the kind of person that would think you were trying to mother her 7 year old by doing this? I don't know the relationship of course....but just something to consider.

We have 3 adopted children and they do have a sibling that was adopted out separately. We've had no contact which is sad....it's great that your relationship with the birth mother allows for your son to spend time with his sibling....he'll cherish that for life.

 

[geniegirl]

Thanks again. No we do plan on letting her make the final decision about work and school but I wanted to get some thoughts on the whole process.

Yes we are luck to have the opportunity to have and foster this relationship. She understands we are not trying to parent her other child and she does so in return. Its more like a close friendship but with complications. It truly is a respectful relationship. As to her feeling bad she is grateful that we include them on so much and offer to help with things when needed.

For now it sounds like its an ok idea so I have to give her a call and see what she thinks about the issues.

Thanks again.

 

[seashell724]

I agree with being sensitive about this issue. Just because it may hurt the mom to realize that you can give him this expensive trip when she can't.

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

Six days is too many days of school to miss in second grade. Just my opinion.

 

[tlbwriter]

Have you traveled with him before? The fact that you're all very close under home conditions doesn't mean his travel style is going to mesh with your family's. Are you willing/able to be flexible if needed?

 

[lurkernj]

Don't want to turn this into one of those "kids missing school debates", but I live in Nj and the school handbooks discourage missing school for vacations. However, we have taken our's out anyway, up to 6th grade, and have never had an issue. The teacher's have been more than happy to give work ahead and usually ask for a written report about their trip. So if you look up the handbook and it says this is not allowed, I'd still ask the mother and let her make the decision.

 

[geniegirl]

We have been camping for a week together though birth mom did come over at night for about 2 hours. In general they just play and have a good time.

Oh the decisions are so hard and this all may be mute once I finally ask her.