Adoption: find your bio. parent/child?

[LegoMom3]

I was just reading one of those divorce threads (!) and comments about never knowing a parent and no desire to do so, got me thinking about adoption.

I was adopted. I have never known my biological parents. While I sometimes wonder about them -- what they looked like, did for a living, hobbies, etc. -- I have never had any real desire to meet either of them. I guess there's always that nagging feeling that if I were to try to contact one of them (probably the mother), that I'm intruding in her life. My DS14's best friend's mother was also adopted, and we were talking some years ago and she had recently looked up and found her bio. mother. It went well, but......I guess there's just too much room for the intrusion factor.

I'm also perfectly happy this way. Like I said, I wonder, but I do not in any way feel that some piece of me is missing or blank. The only thing I sometimes wish is that I had more of a health history (now that I'm in my 40s...!) but those weren't really kept much in the 1960s for adoption purposes.

Anyway, that's just my take on it! Just wondering, from either side (you are the parent or the "child") what your take is!

.

 

[ols386]

I was adopted too, and did meet my biological mom many years ago (after I was an adult and had my own child).

I had always been curious, like you. I never felt that a part of my life was missing because of not knowing my biological parents, but just curious.

I only met her one time, and never saw her again. It was actually kind of strange. She kept calling me by the name that I had when I was with her. She continued to call me, send me cards/notes, things like that, for awhile. Again, addressing me with the name that I had previously, which for me, was weird, considering she did know what my current name is, but insisted on calling me by the old name. I actually felt that it was a bit disrespectful on her part to call me by the previous name.

Oh, I also met my two biological sisters and brother. I am really glad that I met them, and still keep in touch with them. They are wonderful people. Their biological dad never did give up custody on them.

As I understand it, my (our) biological mom decided she did not want to be a mom anymore, and basically just left...went to NY, and resided and worked there for the remainder of her life.

I do think it's helpful to at least know some of your past from a health standpoint.

Good luck to you!!

 

[bdcp]

My BIL is adopted. My sister is more interested in finding his birth parents than he is. But, that's because they have two children and she wants to know more medical info than they have (which is basically none). DBIL has high cholesterol and asthma. He let her go onto a site where adoptees and birth parents can connect, but that's been years and they never heard anything.

 

[leight]

I am an adoptee and I didn't feel that something was missing- more that I wasn't in the right place. I always 'felt' close to my birthmom and knew that I would one day find and meet her. I did and that was 19 yrs ago. She's an integral part of my life and one of my closest friends. I was never looking for a 'mommy' or for part of me- I just knew we were meant to meet. I have two half sisters and two half brothers with whom I am friendly.

I met my birthdad and was glad I did but we've had no further contact-his choice and I am ok with that. My connection never seemed to be with him.

I met DH at an adoptee support group where I was a search assistant 17 yrs ago(before the internet was rabid) He needed help searching for his bdad after having successfully found his birthmom. I had resources for canada where he was born and offered him help. He took it to mean I was 'coming onto him' and fast forward to us finding his birthdad and having a wonderful relationship with him and DH's brothers. We still have a nice relationship with his Bmom but there were many years of mutual resentment over DH searching for the Dad.

Some people feel the way I did and always knew they had to search- others, like dh, it was curiosity and wanting medical info. Others just don't want to know. I have not and will never advocate for coercing someone who doesn't want to search into the search. Its an emotional and psychological ride and with the internet it can happen way too quickly. Both Dh & I had to go thru public record, snail mail searches and I think that helped give us time to prepare emotionally- me especially since the social worker who worked my file lied horribly about my birthmom in the non identifying info she released to me the week before she retired. I will never regret my search and if someone has questions, feel free to ask.

 

[LORI522]

Both of my kids were adopted (DD1 and DS4), so I am reading all your stories with a lot of interest.

Legomom3 - I've tried (the best I can) to put myself in my kids' shoes, and I imagine I would have a desire to know all the things you listed (what they look like, hobbies, etc). I think my kids are fortunate to be born during a time when adoption specialists put an importance on passing on some information for the kids to have one day. I am so sorry that you don't have that.

We keep every shred of information we have about our kids' birth parents in a fire box so they can have it when they are ready for it. We have pictures of their bio parents, siblings, grandparents, aunt, uncles, etc. We have the information sheets that they filled out (in their own hand writing). We have their medicial histories....of course those will change over time but at least we have something. We know my daughter's birth parents and have kept the lines of communication open. We didn't get to meet my son's birth parents and they want no communication at this point. I wish so much that I could give my son the same kind of first-hand observations that I can give my daughter (like her birth mom is very serious, articulate and kind).

I can't choose the relationship my kids and their birth parents will have in the future. I'll support my kids in whatever they want to do, but I can't force their birthparents to agree to a relationship. I just want my kids to have SOME connection to their roots.

Best wishes to everyone!

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm an adoptee and really didn't have much interest in meeting my bio parents. I did want to know if I had siblings, though. Part of my attitude came from my mother basically telling me my whole life, "I wanted you and she didn't." That can have an impact!

Anyway, I did get to meet my bio family and ended up with 8 siblings! It is nice to know my health history now, and it's SOOO good to see where I got a lot of my personality traits from after being such a misfit my whole life.

 

[cruisnfamily]

I was just reading one of those divorce threads (!) and comments about never knowing a parent and no desire to do so, got me thinking about adoption.

I was adopted. I have never known my biological parents. While I sometimes wonder about them -- what they looked like, did for a living, hobbies, etc. -- I have never had any real desire to meet either of them. I guess there's always that nagging feeling that if I were to try to contact one of them (probably the mother), that I'm intruding in her life. My DS14's best friend's mother was also adopted, and we were talking some years ago and she had recently looked up and found her bio. mother. It went well, but......I guess there's just too much room for the intrusion factor.

I'm also perfectly happy this way. Like I said, I wonder, but I do not in any way feel that some piece of me is missing or blank. The only thing I sometimes wish is that I had more of a health history (now that I'm in my 40s...!) but those weren't really kept much in the 1960s for adoption purposes.

Anyway, that's just my take on it! Just wondering, from either side (you are the parent or the "child") what your take is!

.

I am also an adoptee in my 40s and I feel exactly the way you do! Particularly the bolded portions. I've never found anybody who felt the same way or anybody that could understand how I felt. Everybody just assumes you must want to find your "real" mom/dad and all kinds of things like that.

What I've always told people is that I would love to find out where my mother worked and if it was like a store or something I'd love to go in and buy something from her. But never say who I was. Just see her.

I was very happy to read your sentiments as they perfectly describe mine!

 

[LegoMom3]

I'm an adoptee and really didn't have much interest in meeting my bio parents. I did want to know if I had siblings, though. Part of my attitude came from my mother basically telling me my whole life, "I wanted you and she didn't." That can have an impact!

Anyway, I did get to meet my bio family and ended up with 8 siblings! It is nice to know my health history now, and it's SOOO good to see where I got a lot of my personality traits from after being such a misfit my whole life.

Wow, now see I never thought of it in those terms. Actually in most cases the birth mother is giving up the child for his or her good, and it's a very un-selfish act! My mother always told me that the woman who had me was not able to take care of me, so I was given to someone who could. I grew up with that and it made sense to me, even as a very young child, and it was simply "That's the way it is" in my mind.

I am, however, quite curious like you to know if I have any siblings. I grew up an only-child until my dad remarried when I was 13 and I suddenly got a step-sister. But not quite the same, y'know?

I am also an adoptee in my 40s and I feel exactly the way you do! Particularly the bolded portions. I've never found anybody who felt the same way or anybody that could understand how I felt. Everybody just assumes you must want to find your "real" mom/dad and all kinds of things like that.

What I've always told people is that I would love to find out where my mother worked and if it was like a store or something I'd love to go in and buy something from her. But never say who I was. Just see her.

I was very happy to read your sentiments as they perfectly describe mine!

That's so neat to read! And the woman I mentioned in my original post, my DS's friend's mom, she was trying so hard to get me to pursue this. Her story ended up wonderfully, and I'm glad for her, but I just don't have that drive. She was telling me that somewhere out there, every single year on my birthday, my bio. mother thinks of me and wonders. Well, maybe she does but maybe she doesn't! I have no idea of the circumstances behind her need to give me up, but given the decade, it's not out of the question at all that she was a young unmarried woman (very taboo back then).

I've thought of doing a database, just putting myself out there, and see what happens, but that would be it. She would have to be looking for me, though.

.

 

[Bonnie151]

Wow- I'm glad there are other people who feel the same way as me! I had a really nice childhood and have a really nice settled life just now. I did look for my birth mother when I was about 19 or so, but it was more the challenge of the search that drove me, rather than a need to know her. I did find her and she's absolutely lovely. We've had on & off contact over the years - the off contact has been completely my fault as I'm a terrible letter writer! She has email now so it's a lot easier.

My birth father actually found me about a month ago. I'm sort of completely not fussed about it. He's very enthusiastic and wants to meet up/get to know each other etc which is nice and all, but honestly I feel quite detached about the whole thing. I have kids of my own and I do think it's the right thing to let him get to know his grandkids, but for me it is a "it's the right thing to do" rather than a personal want/need - I wasn't looking for *him* afterall!

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Anyway, that's just my take on it! Just wondering, from either side (you are the parent or the "child") what your take is!

.

LM, IDK if I ever told you, but I found out, the hard and rather shocking way that my mom is adopted.

When I was preggo with DD I decided to start a scrapbook for my dad. He was a firefighter for 30+ years and did a lot of stuff in the community.

Well, if you don't want any skeletons, as I found out... DON'T google your family.

I google'd my dad and a site on adoption popped up. Sure enough, there was my mom's name and information.

I was obviously upset that they kept it a secret from me. Come to find out it wasn't mom's choice, it was my grandmother's. Her sisters made her feel ashamed for not being able to carry a child for my grandfather (You don't really want to know my thoughts on that... ) so it became the matter-who's-name-shall-not-be-mentioned.

When I asked mom about it, she was shocked and wondered how I found out. I told her that if she didn't want people to know anything, she needed to keep it off the internet - especially if you have tech-savvy kids.

She requested that I not saying anything as long as my grandparents are still alive. She doesn't want to upset them (they are 96 and 95), there's really no point to drag it out now. My brother is the only one who doesn't know, and she's not ready to tell him yet. It's not my place to tell either, so I have to wait.

I wish they would talk to him about it. Especially since they fought fertility issues for quite some time and during that time, they were fostering and throwing around the idea of keeping 1 or 2 of the kiddos. Eventually my nephew came along and they took a break from fostering, but they are due to welcome another child into their home very soon as they recently renewed their fostering certifications.

Mom was hoping to find out a little medical history through her search. She's never been 100% well... 2 bouts with cancer (2 different types), CFS, fibromyalgia, thyroid, etc, but like you, records weren't kept at the time, so we can only piece together what we can through what she is going through.

IDK if I've been much help, but that's our story.

 

[jen0610]

I was adopted too, and did meet my biological mom many years ago (after I was an adult and had my own child).

I had always been curious, like you. I never felt that a part of my life was missing because of not knowing my biological parents, but just curious.

I only met her one time, and never saw her again. It was actually kind of strange. She kept calling me by the name that I had when I was with her. She continued to call me, send me cards/notes, things like that, for awhile. Again, addressing me with the name that I had previously, which for me, was weird, considering she did know what my current name is, but insisted on calling me by the old name. I actually felt that it was a bit disrespectful on her part to call me by the previous name.

Oh, I also met my two biological sisters and brother. I am really glad that I met them, and still keep in touch with them. They are wonderful people. Their biological dad never did give up custody on them.

As I understand it, my (our) biological mom decided she did not want to be a mom anymore, and basically just left...went to NY, and resided and worked there for the remainder of her life.

I do think it's helpful to at least know some of your past from a health standpoint.
Good luck to you!!

This is the single most driving reason I would like to find my birth parents. Both DH and I are adopted. It never really fazed me that I had no clue what my families medical make up is, until I was pregnant with our first.

We were stationed overseas with the Army and all the OB's were local Panamanian dr's. Both DH and I can recall talking to Dr Perdomo on my first visit and him having a hard time wrapping his hands around that neither DH or I could tell him our medical history.

It really got both of us thinking. Each one of us is clueless to what genetic issues that we could have or that we could pass on to our kids. As the kids get older, it's eased a bit, but I would still like to know.

Both I and my middle brother were adopted thru the same agency here where we live. He actually did contact them to see what it would take to get either his medical info or actual info to get in touch with a birth parent. Their reguirements are outragious and the cost is a joke. Neither of us could afford it. Just to get the medical records was around 12 pages of paperwork, plus you had to have 10 letters of support stating why the information you were looking for would be a benefit to your life. If you wanted to get the actual birth info - double the letters of support, adding in consuling, that you had to pay for - and it was dishearting.

 

[cabanafrau]

Just wanted to add for OP & anybody else in the same position, just because medical info wasn't kept years ago, it doesn't mean birth parents haven't made attempts to put some info out there, or possibly are searching for the child to make a connection themselves. I'd check w/ the adoption or your state agency to see if you can gain any available information.

If you merely want medical information you can set those parameters on your end of the search & indicate you want no identifying information revealed. It's possible that a bio parent can set things up the same way on their end, share their medical info but nothing identifying them.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I'm not adopted, but my dad left before I was born (and my mom shortly after, I was raised by my grandparents.) Anyway, my bio dad has been trying to get a hold of me a lot lately. I know it isn't the same as everyone's situations here but it is one no one seems to understand. I just don't want to know him and he has 6 kids who I just don't want to know. I don't know why, I have virtually no family (no siblings, very little relationship with my mom and her 2 siblings, DH's brother passed away and has only a half sister he talks to maybe once a year.) But for some reason I just don't have a desire to know them. It's been eating away at me for a while cause he keeps writing letters as does his daughter and saying how he is really sick, he sent me a letter that is supposed to have been sent after he died but he sent it early. I don't want to hurt them, especially his duaghter who is my DD's age, but I am still struggling with abandenment issues at 35 and feel like meeting him will make matters worse.

Anyway, while it isn't the same, this thread has been some comfort for me.

 

[cabanafrau]

This is the single most driving reason I would like to find my birth parents. Both DH and I are adopted. It never really fazed me that I had no clue what my families medical make up is, until I was pregnant with our first.

We were stationed overseas with the Army and all the OB's were local Panamanian dr's. Both DH and I can recall talking to Dr Perdomo on my first visit and him having a hard time wrapping his hands around that neither DH or I could tell him our medical history.

It really got both of us thinking. Each one of us is clueless to what genetic issues that we could have or that we could pass on to our kids. As the kids get older, it's eased a bit, but I would still like to know.

Both I and my middle brother were adopted thru the same agency here where we live. He actually did contact them to see what it would take to get either his medical info or actual info to get in touch with a birth parent. Their reguirements are outragious and the cost is a joke. Neither of us could afford it. Just to get the medical records was around 12 pages of paperwork, plus you had to have 10 letters of support stating why the information you were looking for would be a benefit to your life. If you wanted to get the actual birth info - double the letters of support, adding in consuling, that you had to pay for - and it was dishearting.

Check w/ your state Department of Human Services or equivalent agency that handles foster care and adoption. It may well be that some of the info you're searching for is available through them, either free or for a minimal document fee.

 

[tzolkin]

Interesting I saw this thread this morning.

DH is not adopted, but he does not have a father. Growing up he says he was never bothered by this and never had any desire to meet this person or find out any information. But over the last few years he has become more and more curious. He doesn't want to meet this person or intrude on his life, but he would like to know a little info about him. Unfortunately, this is starting to make him resent his mother.

She has never told him anything. DH remembers bringing it up when he was about 4 and she cried and got mad at him so he never mentioned it again. While he respects her right to keep her private life private, he now realizes that this is not her own private business and he feels that she has an obligation to tell him.* She visits several times a year and DH has mentioned multiple occasions where there was a good opportunity for her to tell him (they were alone and the subject was touched on), but she just didn't. He's worried that if he pushes that she'll just sit in her room and not talk to him for the rest of the trip. (Which is entirely possible. ) Every time she leaves he gets more upset that he missed his chance to talk to her. We've discussed it recently and he's come to the conclusion that he's just going to have to confront her about it.

He's picking her up from the airport tonight. Hopefully they will find some way to discuss this and get past it in their relationship.


*Our DD12 is not DH's biological child. She has never met her "father", but we have been honest with her all along. She still has no desire to know anything about him, but DH and I have ensured that she feels comfortable coming to us with any questions she may have in the future. I think the fact that his mother was so dissimilar raising him is what makes him more frustrated.

 

[FireDancer]

If I were adopted I would 100% want to find out who my biological parents were. Also, if I were to ever adopt a child I would make sure they knew they were adopted and knew everything I did about their biological parents no matter what the situation was.

I think everyone is owed the full truth about their life. Just my opinion. If others feel differently that is fine, it is their life or their children.

 

[Jewel1310]

My mother gave up a baby boy before she met and married my father. I know that she didn't ever seek him out as she wanted his life to be his new family. She died unexpectedly and at the young age of 57 of a condition that could be hereditary.

I did some research and contacted the agency that my mother used. The records were sealed, but they did agree to allow me to send the information on my mother's health condition and passed it on to the son my mother gave up.

While I would have loved to meet him I don't think he was interested in that but I was glad that he got the health information. I took it as a sign that he was happy in his life and that made me happy.

Giving him up was the hardest thing my mom ever did. I know she was sad about it even 35 years later but she thought it was the best thing for her baby. I admired that level of love.

 

[cabanafrau]

My mother gave up a baby boy before she met and married my father. I know that she didn't ever seek him out as she wanted his life to be his new family. She died unexpectedly and at the young age of 57 of a condition that could be hereditary.

I did some research and contacted the agency that my mother used. The records were sealed, but they did agree to allow me to send the information on my mother's health condition and passed it on to the son my mother gave up.

While I would have loved to meet him I don't think he was interested in that but I was glad that he got the health information. I took it as a sign that he was happy in his life and that made me happy.

Giving him up was the hardest thing my mom ever did. I know she was sad about it even 35 years later but she thought it was the best thing for her baby. I admired that level of love.

I have absolutely no idea why, but your post touched me so much I choked up reading it. It's clear your mother raised you with that same level of love. What a lovely tribute to her motherhood that you made the efforts you did to reach out to your brother with your mom's love.

 

[Jewel1310]

I have absolutely no idea why, but your post touched me so much I choked up reading it. It's clear your mother raised you with that same level of love. What a lovely tribute to her motherhood that you made the efforts you did to reach out to your brother with your mom's love.

What a kind response. Thank you. I know others in the same situation would do the same.

It probably doesn't really help, but I wanted some of those who are adopted to know that, like my mom's situation, they are thought of often even if a bio parent doesn't reach out.

 

[Gabe's Mom]

I'm coming from another perspective, I am an adoptive mom.
I have 3 boys. Our oldest is our bio son and youngest 2 are adopted. The boys are ages 11, 3 1/2 and almost 2. With our first adoption his birth parents wanted no contact and at the time we were dissapointed but it was their decision. I really wanted to meet them. I wrote them up date letters every 3 mos for the 1st year of his life and kept them just in case they wanted them some day.
With our second adoption we got to meet his birth mom and spend some time with her. We have pictures of all of us (including DS) together. We haven't heard from her in almost a year, but that time was an amazing gift we will be able to share with our son some day. I am so thankful to be able to tell him about her, how beautiful, sweet, and generous she was, and how she wanted nothing but the best for him. I am so glad we have the pictures.

It made me wish even more that we had more info about our middle son's birth mom so I was thrilled when she recently got in touch with us. I was able to give her the letters I had written and send her pictures via email.

I honestly don't know whether our sons will have the oppurtunity to meet their birth families. If they choose to do so I will certainly be supportive. I know how curious I am about them, so it seems it would only be natural for them to want to know too.

I am 100% positive that blood does not make a family, but I also know it is perfectly understandable to want to learn about where you come from in a biological way. Who do you look like, where do your mannerisms come from, etc.

Michelle