Adoption - does this really happen?

[lynetteSC]

I'm not adopted and haven't given up a child but we are seriously considering adopting a child. I guess I don't see what is wrong with letting that child believe that they were so loved that they were placed with someone who could give them a 'better' life.

This is exactly what we plan on telling our ds when he is old enough. And in his case it is absolutely true. I was in the delivery room when he was born, I can not imagine how much she loved him to "place" (we prefer to say place instead of GIVE) him with us instead of raising him on her own. Our bmom happens to be adopted herself ... she was in and out of foster care until she was 6. She did not want that for ds, so she and her boyfriend (bdad) chose to make an adoption plan b/c she knew they were not "prepared" to give ds the life she said he deserved. I know every situation is different (and we have heard of some WILD ones through our agency) but, overall I think the bparents do love the child enough to place him where she thinks he/she would have more advantages than if she had chosen to raise the child.

Kind of off topic, but our friends who aadopted at the same time we did have an open adoption with their bmom. They visited with her a few months ago. She also has a child who is around 7-8 yrs old that she is raising as a single mom. The child came with her tovisit our friends and the baby. The little boy saw all the toys/clothes/etc that the baby had. He asked our friends if they had a camcorder, a bike, and all sorts of things. They couldn't figure out why he was so inquisitive. Finally, the little boy told our friends, "I wish I was adopted, I don't even have a bike".

I guess my point is that I would venture to say most bparents love and want the very best they can give the child they place for adoption.


Ok, stepping down from my soapbox!

 

[ZachnElli]

Why do you think we need to paint an unrealistic picture of birth mothers' motives? It's not always the case that they give up their children for unselfish reasons. Many do, yes, but not all. My birth mother wasn't being unselfish in the least when she gave me up.

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Why do you think it is unrealistic? I'm not being snarky, I'm just curious. Having taken the classes and just going through the process of adoption I know that social workers are doing what they can to get rid of the stereotype of birthmothers as uncaring and selfish. The stereotype is negative now, it's not positive. Our birthmom said, and she said very little, that she isn't giving him to us, she gave us to him.

 

[lynetteSC]

Our birthmom said, and she said very little, that she isn't giving him to us, she gave us to him.

wow, that gave me chills! what great quote to give your ds!

 

[Rock'n Robin]

As a teacher who sees many teen moms, I think the selfish ones who keep their babies and raise them in squalor. There is a couple right now who is giving up their baby to be born in January, and I am so happy that at least one couple of kids has decided to give a baby a better chance. A lot of kids in my school think adoption is worse than abortion! It's a very juvenile view of the world.
Robin M.

 

[roseprincess]

Discussion at work the other day... after a domestic adoption birth mothers can come back years later and reclaim their children.

Does that actually happen?

I know there have been some horrible cases where foster kids are returned and some where there was some question on the legitimacy of the adoption in the first place, e.g., fathers not informed. The news image of a crying child being ripped from the loving arms of the only parents she's known is powerful stuff, but is it true?

If there's a completed, legal adoption, do the birth parents retain any rights to the child?

This has happened about 10-11 yrs. ago in my suburb where I live. The adoptive parents were very loving. Had this boy for 3 or 4 yrs. The biological mother came back when the boy was 4. The biological mother was from a different ethnic background than the adoptive parents. I can't recall what originally happened, why the bmom gave up her baby boy in the first place. Anyways, according to my state law, the adoptive parents had to give the boy back to the bmom and bdad. This was plastered all over our local news when this happened a few yrs. back. It was so devistating, seeing the same videotape of it over and over again of the adoptive parents crying and the boy crying to give the boy to the bmom on the front steps of the adoptive family's home.

Since then, I have seen so many people I know in my area do overseas adoption and also open adoption with the bmother.

Rosemarie

 

[mickeyfan2]

How long ago was that? Laws are changing and for the better. These cases are what are getting the laws changed. Many states have updated their laws since 2000 and later.

A few years ago. Some states give birth parents upto two years to change their mind, others 24 hours. It depends on the state. These were both in the same state.

 

[Marseeya]

Why do you think it is unrealistic? I'm not being snarky, I'm just curious. Having taken the classes and just going through the process of adoption I know that social workers are doing what they can to get rid of the stereotype of birthmothers as uncaring and selfish. The stereotype is negative now, it's not positive. Our birthmom said, and she said very little, that she isn't giving him to us, she gave us to him.

I don't think it's unrealistic when you know what the bmom's motives are, but the impression I got from RadioNate's post (and she can correct me if I'm wrong) is that we should paint a rosy picture for the kids when we simply don't know the facts. That's not to say we should be negative, just honest.

 

[disney4us2002]

I'm not adopted and haven't given up a child but we are seriously considering adopting a child. I guess I don't see what is wrong with letting that child believe that they were so loved that they were placed with someone who could give them a 'better' life. Obviously I'm wrong in feeling like maybe we should emphisize the positive and maybe I should spend way more time thinking about wether or not we should even be considering adoption.

Whoa - you are so NOT wrong in thinking it is a good thing to emphasize the positive. The kids I deal with aren't even being placed at birth but have spent time in foster care after being removed from abusive or neglectful families and we still train our families that a child will internalize feelings of "badness" and it is very important to his/her mental health to find the good in any parent. A child cannot feel good about him/herself if s/he feels he has "bad genes".

I hope you don't reconsider your future adoption plans as there are many children in need of positive role models and "forever" families.

 

[VSL]

I'm half-adopted by my dad. I can assure you that my biological father didn't want to know me.

You know, I really can't stand watching those 'families reunited' type programs either. I have to switch channels. I just get a heavy belly/sicky feeling that someone is going to be on there, looking for me, 'thinking about me every day since he "lost" me'.
Puh-leaze. I know of at least three other boys who were in school with me who have very similar backgrounds. The biological fathers just didn't want to know.

I was a complete accident and my mother (who, I must admit, is quite neurotic) didn't know she was having me until she was 6months gone, so there was no chance of aborting me. She was 20yrs old (my age now).

I really think it's great to emphasize the positives, but don't lie to 'protect' your children - I'm a firm believer that all children (adopted, donated-sperm/egg or otherwise) has the right to know where they come from. But that's another thread for another day (and I live in a different country with different laws!).

BTW - lots of pixie dust to you adoptee (and regular!) parents! It's hard work no matter where you get the little rascals from!

 

[RadioNate]

I don't think it's unrealistic when you know what the bmom's motives are, but the impression I got from RadioNate's post (and she can correct me if I'm wrong) is that we should paint a rosy picture for the kids when we simply don't know the facts. That's not to say we should be negative, just honest.

yes and no

If the facts are completely unknown then I think children should be told that the birth parents were not equiped to raise them the way they deserved to be raised but they loved them enough to give them a better home.

I don't see how it does anyone any good to tell children that their birth mother was an addict who couldn't be bothered to put down the pipe and just wanted to get rid of them so they could go back to crack house.

It's all about changing the negative sterotype that Rock'n Robin talked about. Adoption is currently seen as the last and worst option and birth mothers are seen in a negative light. They were irresponsible enough to get pregnant then they didn't even have the decency to keep the baby is the attitude I've seen when researching adoption and the issues surrounding it. No matter the facts it is assumed that they coudln't be bothered with a child so they gave it up. It's that sterotype that needs to change.

And I'm talking about children not older teens and adults. And even if the mother was a crack addict who couldn't have been bothered why not say the birthmother was sick with an addiction but loved you so much that she wanted a better life for you.

 

[Texan Mouseketeer]

To respond to the poster asking how old some of these laws are and someone else who asked what state...

In Texas, there is a 30 day period, a 6 month period and a 5 year period. Each one has a different rule on what the birthparent has to do in order to try to fight the adoption or restore rights. Each one is harder and harder to be successful at with the 30 day one being fairly easy, if that makes sense. The 30 day one, you just show up and they rehear the case. For the 5 year one you have to petition a judge to even agree to reopen the case to hear why you think you should have another chance. This was as of November 2004, so I would say that is pretty recent. We treat it like one year down, only four more to go!!

P.S. Birthfather ran from two constables on foot in order to avoid service. When he finally was served after 8 months of hiding and being chased, he tore up the papers to shreds and threw them on the ground. And of course, I am leaving out tons of details. So, the lawyer promised us that he doubts any judge would ever consider reopening our case!