Adopting older child??

[lovinpoohbear]

Has anyone adopted an older child? I have two boys and am considering adopting a six year old boy. I have been using the site www.adoptuskids.org Has anyone went through this process? Especially if the child is from another state? Just wondering if anyone has been through this, thanks

 

[ERMama]

Read up on attachment disorder. Theres several good books out there you should be able to get from the library. Research it online. Prepare yourself for the worst.
But its not always aweful but adjusting is usually harder and can take longer for an older child, especially depending on the childs background history.

Best of luck with your decision!!

 

[CastleCreations]

I just wanted to say good luck with everything. I haven't adopted..but admire those who do. Adopting an older child might be tricky, but what a wonderful thing for him and your family. Best wishes!

 

[wehavesix]

Yep. We adopted 4 kids. At the time they were ages 2, 3, 4, and 5 years old. It be 9 years next month since they came to our family. We've faced many, many challenges and are currently dealing with some really hard things with the oldest son in this sibling group. I do think that it helped them that they had each other through everything so attachment wasn't quite as hard. My 14 year old has had the hardest time and is in therapy with some residential treatment looming in his future. In spite of his troubles, he is a great person with a lot of positive traits. My advice to you is to read anything you can find about attachment. Good luck!

 

[Avalon_toon]

I don't have any experience, but I think it would be a wonderful thing! My best friend adopted a 2 year old, and he is the best little kid ever. Best wishes for a happy and successful adoption!

 

[DevilDuckie]

Has anyone adopted an older child? I have two boys and am considering adopting a six year old boy. I have been using the site www.adoptuskids.org Has anyone went through this process? Especially if the child is from another state? Just wondering if anyone has been through this, thanks

Please make the feelings and needs of the children you already have a primary concern in your decision. I was 11 when my parents decided to adopt a 6 year old with serious issues. It was absolutely the worst thing they could have done for me at that point in time. It is not the same as just having another baby and I would strongly urge anyone considering it to get their kids individual counseling where they can talk about it to a neutral party first and to listen seriously to what the kids have to say about it.

I ran away from home when I was 14 and stayed gone for 2 years. It was better than being invisible.

Your circumstances and your kids are likely totally different, but please be sure. My parents brushed aside my objections and assumed I'd, "get on board" and failed to notice a couple of very serious things that were wrong in the family they already had.

 

[crisi]

As DevilDuckie points out, make sure your whole family, particularly the children you already have, are on board. Older child adoption can be fraught with issues - these kids usually aren't Anne Shirley when they arrive in your home. The amount of time and attention they can pull from Mom and Dad can make their new siblings resent - even hate them.

Have you tried foster care? Short term foster care might be a good first step to understanding your family dynamics and the type of committment you'd be making.

 

[livndisney]

I agree with the posters who said read everything you can on attachment. Also you may want to do some reading on sensory issues.
If you can, find an adoption group in your area. Yahoo has a ton, and most are specific to an age, area etc.

To the OP, YOU know your heart, YOU know your kids. In adoption there are no "guarantees" (same as in life). But adoption of a child can be a very rewarding experience.

 

[Shagley]

Also, I would highly recommend only adopting a child that is younger than your bio children. Many (of course, not all) older children that are in the system are overly sexualized and/or more aggressive than other children (of course this depends on the reason they came into care). Please do as much research as you possible can to find out about the issues that many of the kids in foster care face (Reactive Attachment Disorder, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Bi-polar, sexually acting out, the effects of pre-natal drug abuse, etc.). The damage that the birth parents did to many of these kids is just heartbreaking. A great place to start is the forum at www.fosterparents.com to get an idea of what caring for older kids in care is really like. All of these kids deserve to have a loving, safe home - but unfortunately, for most of them, love is not enough to help them through their issues.

 

[DisTeach1]

For the poster that adopted the family group...What about the children that were 2 and 3 at the time...How have they adjusted? We are foster parents and have fostered a 2, almost 3 year old. Now the adoptive family has decided not to adopt him, and I'm wondering how he will fare in the long run.

 

[crisi]

For the poster that adopted the family group...What about the children that were 2 and 3 at the time...How have they adjusted? We are foster parents and have fostered a 2, almost 3 year old. Now the adoptive family has decided not to adopt him, and I'm wondering how he will fare in the long run.

A good book on toddler adoption is "The Weaver's Craft."

Many kids do just fine with nary a sign of attachment disorder. And its possible for bio children in stable homes to have attachment disorder (or something that looks a lot like it). However, the older the child is at the time of permanent placement and the more instability in their lives to the point of permanent placement, the more likely there will be issues.

 

[stacy6552]

Honestly, I think until you are in the place that says, "I am doing this and I dont care what anyone else has to say." you shouldn't do it. It doesnt sound like youre ready, imho.

 

[ERMama]

I disagree with Stacy. I do think ultimately it is you are parents that have to make the final decision. But I do NOT think you should take what others think and feel lightly. This is another human being we are talking about that has to live in your world, your society.

When we decided to finally adopt, we had to look at our family and friends honestly. We had to admit we did have family members who were prejudiced against a certain race. Sure its stupid and they would probably love our child no matter what. But I think its rude to expect a child to change how someone feels. Thats a pretty big job for someone so little.

When you adopt an older child you do have to take into account their background and how it will affect your WHOLE family. If you have children at home you have to ask their opinions. Allow them to be honest with their answers. Do not sugarcoat things. Some older adopted children come with their own families (be in grandparents, aunts, etc) who although may be unable to give complete care, want to still be in the childs life.

So no matter if you are a childless person/couple adopting their first, or a couple with child/ren already, whether it be a child of the same color/ethnicity or different than your own, you do have to consider what others think.
Sure it may not be the ultimate factor in deciding whether to adopt or not but I think it will make you a better parent if you talk about these things BEFORE adopting.

 

[asmit4]

Cost- it's a bit off topic but I was told that it's about 30K to adopt a child from several people. Is that the case with US kids too?

I have always felt the need to adopt a child- even when I was a teenager. I've just been drawn to it since I was around 12. We are a middle class family but we don't have 30K laying around and taking out a second mortgage on our house is not something I would consider.

 

[tchrrx]

We adopted our daughter when she was 5. The entire decision has been incredible. We've had her for 2 1/2 years now. Throughout the entire process we could totally see God's hand in it. The only problem we've had that our daughter is too much like me!

 

[crisi]

Cost- it's a bit off topic but I was told that it's about 30K to adopt a child from several people. Is that the case with US kids too?

I have always felt the need to adopt a child- even when I was a teenager. I've just been drawn to it since I was around 12. We are a middle class family but we don't have 30K laying around and taking out a second mortgage on our house is not something I would consider.

Cost is going to depend on MANY factors. Some U.S. states have free adoption for kids "in the system." Adopting your own grandchild is often a few thousand in legal fees. A baby through private adoption may cost $30k just in advertising to find a birth mother - plus homestudy fees, plus legal fees. I know people who have adopted for free, and people who have spent in excess of $80k.

 

[Wendybird55]

After losing 2 pregnancies a few few years ago I began looking into adoption as an option while deciding what to do.

Unfortunately I discovered that foreign adoption is probably better then US adoption. I went to a meeting regarding adopting a child from my area and soon discovered they were more interested in you being a foster parent first before being considered an adoptive parent. And as a foster parent the #1 goal is to get the child back with the birth parents. This can lead to becoming very attached to a child only to have to one day return him/her to the parents. Or if the birth parent(s) never give up their rights the poor child can be left in foster care indefinately being in a constant state of limo.

It is easier to adopt an older child or one with serious phyical and/or emotional problems in this country. Chances are the older child will have some emotional problems as they have been victims of uncaring birth parents and "the system".

It breaks my heart to say this, but many older children in the US that can be adopted have been through so much to get to this point, that you need to be prepared to deal with whatever may be. And I would think in many cases these are good kids who just need the love, understanding and security of stable parents, but it will take time. If it was just you and your husband that's one thing, but you also have your children to consider.

In looking into foreign adoption, the process I think is better. In many countries what is considered a physical problem is a simple matter or procedure in the US - such as cleft lip.
Also some adoptive parents brought up the fact that coming from a foreign country the desire to look for birth parents or that birth parents will come looking for them is much less.

From my reseach - foreign adoption can cost around $30,000-$40,000. If you're not doing a private adoption in US the costs are probably much less, but you probably will still need a lawyer and have to go through a lot of scrutiny and such.

You hate to reduce children to pros and cons when it comes to adoption, but it will have a premanent affect on your life and your children and the child you adopt.

When you give birth to a child you never know what type of person they will become, but you love them with all your heart and continue to do so no matter what. You need to have that same unconditional love for a child you adopt plus the support and willingness of everyone in your family to do so as well.

Good Luck!

 

[TheRatPack]

I would second doing foster care first...seeing how things work with your family. We have 3 adopted children, they were 2, 3 and 4 when we brought them home and we've had them for a year now. We also have 2 older bio children, who were in on the decision to adopt, and very positive, even when we mentioned all the 'what ifs'.

The 2 year old showed some signs of trauma, as did the 4 year old....sadly the 3 year old has been the straw that broke the camels back since he came home He has attachment issues, and he's very superficial towards us (until you're out in public) and then he's downright mean......saying things that aren't true but when others hear the things he says you can just see their eyes light up. It's sad....all they've been through, all the moves they've made....they didn't know any other way to act. He says mean things because he doesn't want anyone to love him and he doesn't want to love anyone else, that way when he gets moved he won't be hurt as bad. Sadly it'll take years for him to ever understand that he's not being moved again....and he might never heal from those first few years of trauma, where that attachment bond was broken so early in life

While we all want adoption to be a positive experience, and the kids to love us and us to love them...it doesn't always work out like that. Sometimes we're meant to be a stable home, with love and room to grow until they are old enough to leave the nest.....and they may never feel close to us like a bio child would. I pray that our situation grows more positive over the years to come, but we've given up our preconceived notions of what we wanted our family to be and opened our hearts and minds to what it IS!

I would also suggest reading up on all the RAD books you can get, we were told that our children did not have attachment issues....but came to find out that a HUGE percentage of children in the system have attachment issues....even if they are just minor ones. Our children all went through that period of 'anger' where they broke everything we gave them, lied uncontrollably, crazy lies...etc And then as I said before...our middle one just keeps on going through all sorts of stages. So prepare for the worst and maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised when things don't go that badly

Some of the books that really opened my eyes were:
*Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control (this one helped me understand that just because I raised to healthy, well adjusted children my parenting skills would NOT work on these children the same way. I've had to readjust everything I do...from discipline to scheduling...etc.)

*When Love Is Not Enough (this one is written by a mom that has successfully raised RAD children, even ones that have killed...etc. Again....you'd be amazed what even some toddlers can do because of the broken link in attachment from birth mom and dad it truly is a tragedy...and then to be moved over and over because people didn't really research what they were getting in to, just compounds the issues they are already dealing with).

I'm not trying to scare you, and truly...these kids are a blessing to us and I love them more and more everyday. But it definitely wasn't what we expected, and most attachment issues won't show up until after the 'honeymoon' period....which is after you've finalized the adoption in most cases. Again, just go in to it with all the research in your mind....and be prepared with counselors that are educated in ADOPTION issues...not just kids in general. Good luck!!! Oh and a small note....if you adopted 1 it's probably way way easier LOL Adopting 3 was hard, we wouldn't change it, but still it was really really hard on all of us.

 

[Deffenm]

I will share my story but as others have said you must do your reasearch and do what is best for your family. We have 3 adopted children from the Foster Care System. We were not foster parents we did straight adoption because I would not be able to give the kids back if I was a foster parent. Our local children services agency is wonderful. They answered any questions we had and we got the best training possible to prepare us for adopting an older child. I will never forget the day I got a phone call at work saying that we were matched with a 2 1/2 year old boy. I fell in love with him before meeting him or seeing his picture. He is now 7 years old and is a typical child. We have not had any issues with him. When we decided we wanted to adopt one more child we knew we would go the same route. We talked to DS he was very excited about having a sibling. He wanted someone to play with him. Our request was to have a child younger then him as we thought that would be best. Well we saw a photo listing on our state website of a sibling group a 6 year old boy and 2 year old girl. We talked about it as a family and decided to see if we could be matched with them. Well we were and that was 1 1/2 years ago. DS is now 8 and DD is now 4 and they fit well into our family. DS8 has some development issues because he did not start school on time but he is catching up quickly and we have been told he will not nned special ed services much longer. DD4 is very smart and is a typical 4 year old. DS8 remembers birth mom and asks questions about her but that will happen with any adoption. None of our children have any contact with their birth families per the courts. DS8 is also bi-racial and we made sure our families would be ok with this. We are very blessed to have such loving and supportive family members as they love our children as if I gave birth to them. Adoption can be a wonderful experience but you must be prepared for the worst. We have friends who have adopted older children and they have had to remove all of the carpet from their kids room because they go to the bathroom on the floor. These children are older and they do this because they can't control what has happened in their life but they can control where they go to the bathroom. You also mentioned an adoption/photo listing website. As our caseworker told us you will most likely never adopt a child you see on those websites as they are hard to keep current and the children have usually been placed or they know who they are going to place them with. We got lucky with our state website for our 2 newest kids but with DS7 we never saw a photo of him until we were matched. Someone also asked about the cost. We did not pay anything for our adoptions the state took care of it because they were considred "special needs/ older child adoption". If you have any questions please feel free to PM me. Good luck

 

[ERMama]

(((ratpack))) to you and your family. i hope your son is able to work thru the issues quickly!!

our adoption cost about $35k from Guatemala. this did not include the trips we made to visit her (hubby once before pickup, me twice).
we did take out a home equity loan for most of the expenses.

to the person who said they wouldnt, its all a matter of priorities. if you truly are interested in adopting and want to add to your family in that way, no amount of money should stop you.
i know many one income families who have adopted several children internationally. there are ways to get the money (even if it makes "paying them off for years")

we have NEVER looked at any of our children, not even for a second, and thought of how much they "cost" to bring into our lives and what we "could have done" with that money.
#1 was "free"
#2 was 15k
#3 was 35+k
and you know what, they are ALL PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!