Adolescent Boys and Lack of Interest in School ...

[justjulie]

OK for those of you who have walked this path before me - HELP!

What do you do with/for an adolescent (14) year old grade 8 student who has lost interest in the academics of school but not the social aspect of it? Although he struggles in some subjects there is no reason why he can't do better with an applied effort which is what drives me crazy ... he tells me he studies (and I believe he does) but my frustration is mounting. Do I (a) nag him to study; or (b) back off completely and let the chips fall where they may?

And what would you do if his final marks are just passes? His teacher concurs that he as a good moral compass but he enjoys the social aspect much more than the academic aspect of school.

Given this is his last year of elementary school do I call it a wash and hope for a better fit in high school or put him into summer school enrichment ... sorry for rambling but dealing with an emotional, hormone driven 14 year old boy is harder than I imagined and any advice will gladly be taken under advisement ...

 

[dbk1029]

Speaking as a once 14 year old boy, I wished my mom had nagged me more to study and get better grades in school. She did pester me and I am pretty sure she was feeling the same way you are now when I was that age.

I'm going to college now but can't help but think if I had worked harder in school I would have gone to college after high school and not waited until my early thirties. I would suggest talking to him about what he wants to do career wise later in life. Maybe give him examples of what he needs to achieve from an academic stand point to achieve his career goal.

 

[Shmily1]

Been there, done that. I can say to you and it does get better. DS is now 20 and doing great in college and is on the Dean's List.

My best advice is to hang in there... nag some, but not constantly and most importantly, choose your battles wisely. Right now, he's just learning to be social in an adult kind of way and it's not easy for him or you. Sometimes he says and does the right things and sometimes he doesn't. He's also pushing your buttons to see how far you will go before you break. I would explain to him that failing is unacceptable and comes with consequences. All grades must be above a __(insert your expectations, but don't make them unattainable) and when high school starts, all those grades effect what happens at college so be aware and plan accordingly. If he's planning on going to a great college where his friends would want to go, the grades have to reflect that.

Doing it that way, you are giving him a decision to make--they like decisions!!

Good luck!!

 

[justjulie]

It's good to know I'm not alone - and there are things I should be thankful for - he's not running with a gang, he's well-liked among his peers and has a strong moral compass.

There are some things, as you said, that are not negotiable and passing school is one of them. While I am by no means giving up on him, my question at what time do you say "you know my expectations, make your decisions but if the expectations are not met you reap what you sow" so to speak?

I'm not a big fan of elementary summer school (in fact I didn't even know they had such a thing until recently) but I also want him to head into high school prepared ...

 

[Foxhound3857]

If you believe he is studying and putting effort into his academics but is still not getting good grades, it could be a learning disability. Either it's something with him, or perhaps the subject being taught is too difficult for him, by either the books standards or the professor teaching it. I would research these things and try to isolate specifically what is causing his falling grades.

Few kids actually "want" to do the work in school. It's nothing to be worried about if he's not interested, hell I absolutely hated History in my school years. He doesn't have to like it as long as he gets it done and understands it.

Try to find out what is causing his drop in academic performance and then look for solutions to boost it. And if it is his lack of interest that is causing him to be lazy, you need to step up and address it.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I have a 13 year old, and we use the stick and carrot method. Good performance (not grades, but effort) is rewarded every day. Poor performance has consequences every day. It is a part of our lives.

My boys don't get to do what they want to do until they have done what is required of them. Such is life...

 

[justjulie]

He's easily distracted which is part of the problem and with his new found popularity kids are constantly trying to distract him - and he usually ends up getting caught for being the one talking. He says he finds it hard to focus - I spoke with is teacher on that and she indicated there is absolutely nothing to put him on the radar for assessment. I now pack an Instant Breakfast and a box of granola bars in is backpack so if he skips breakfast he can eat on the way to school or first recess - I'm hoping that helps with the focus issue. I'm also investigating some natural supplements to boost focus.

Keep the suggestions coming, folks, they truly are helpful ..

 

[luvmy3]

My dh was very much like that, the only pressure (requirement) from his mother was that he passed and graduated HS, which he barely did. He now has his PhD in physics. There is hope

 

[justjulie]

DisneyBamaFan - I have the same thought "once you've done what you HAVE to do, then you can do what you WANT to do". Trouble is I've said it so many times he finishes my sentence - you'd think he'd figure out by now that I'm not backing down ...

 

[Foxhound3857]

DisneyBamaFan - I have the same thought "once you've done what you HAVE to do, then you can do what you WANT to do". Trouble is I've said it so many times he finishes my sentence - you'd think he'd figure out by now that I'm not backing down ...

He's mocking you then. What you need to do is show him that you mean what you say. Find something that he enjoys doing in his free time and take it away from him until he starts doing his work. For example, deny him time on the computer or time hanging out with his friends, until he gets his work done. Negative Punishment.

If it's a matter of not being able to concentrate or do well for reasons other than laziness, it could be Dyslexia or some other learning disability then, and you should probably get him checked out by a counselor just incase. They can assess things like this fairly well.

 

[justjulie]

Now I'm interested to know how you reward effort every day - is it by verbal reinforcement, a trip to the ice cream store, extra computer time - I'm just curious because I'm not a big believer in paying for good grades or goals scored ...

I'm not so sure he's mocking me exactly - but he is identifying that he knows the rule and is trying to see if I'll give in - which I won't ...

 

[MrsPete]

So he's a good kid who just isn't motivated by the world of academia?

What DOES motivate him? Money? The lure of driver's ed class? A phone? Social time with friends? Summer camp? Video game time?

It'd be nice if every child had internal motivation and worked hard because it's the right thing to do . . . but there's nothing wrong with saying, "You can enroll in Driver's Ed class only when I see a report card with all As and Bs" or "You earn X amount of video game time for every A, B, and C on your report card."

 

[Foxhound3857]

Now I'm interested to know how you reward effort every day - is it by verbal reinforcement, a trip to the ice cream store, extra computer time - I'm just curious because I'm not a big believer in paying for good grades or goals scored ...

I'm not so sure he's mocking me exactly - but he is identifying that he knows the rule and is trying to see if I'll give in - which I won't ...

There are many ways you can reinforce desired behavior. The best method in my opinion is "variable reinforcement." What this means is that you reward him every time he behaves in the manner you want him to behave in for a set period, and then slowly start to ween him off of that reinforcement, but you don't remove it completely. So you'll reward him every day for a week, then after that week you'll reward him randomly, sometimes every day, sometimes every 2 days, sometimes not for four or five days.

The curve is that he'll never know when he's going to be rewarded next, but he knows it'll be coming at some point, and that will give him incentive to conform.

 

[justjulie]

What motivates him - that I can tell you - his skateboard!

So are you suggesting it's not necessarily a bad thing if I "coerce" him into buckling down with the promise of a new board?

 

[Foxhound3857]

What motivates him - that I can tell you - his skateboard!

So are you suggesting it's not necessarily a bad thing if I "coerce" him into buckling down with the promise of a new board?

It might be problematic for you in the future if you have to bribe him to get him to do what you want, specifically with something he should be doing in the first place simply because he has to. Whether or not he wants to do his schoolwork really shouldn't be an option for him.

If he has a skateboard, I would confiscate it until he gets his work done. Or, lock it up or put away somewhere that he can't get it, and only when his work is done do you give it to him and let him play with it, and take it away from him when he has more schoolwork until he does it.

It's strict, I know, but it's really the best course of action in my humble opinion. It's not hurting him, it's giving him incentive to do what he needs to do if he wants to do things he enjoys.

 

[MrsPete]

What motivates him - that I can tell you - his skateboard!

So are you suggesting it's not necessarily a bad thing if I "coerce" him into buckling down with the promise of a new board?

What I'm hearing is that he's motivated by the desire to ride YOUR SKATEBOARD.

He's a child, right? Who bought that skateboard? In whose house does it reside? You're allowing him to ride YOUR SKATEBOARD.

No, I wouldn't bribe him with a new skateboard -- he has the use of one now, so a new one isn't a very strong motivator. Instead, I'd tell him that his skate-time is now tied to his grades. All As and Bs = you're obviously managing your time well, so you get unlimited skate time. Cs = you need to spend more time studying; thus, your skate time is limited to X number of hours a week (or maybe weekends only). Ds and Fs in there = you need to spend significant time studying (yes, even in the summer -- good time to do some reading and some math tutoring), so that skateboard is going to be locked in the trunk of my car for the foreseeable future. Don't let me catch you on Next-door Johnny's board either. And since it's almost May, if I were him, I'd be all in a fuss to figure out just how I could get those grades up before summer break.

My kids would be 100% clear on the fact that I really would keep the skateboard all summer long . . . if those grades didn't come up.

 

[marcyinPA]

I can relate to your post, OP. I wish I had advice. My DS14 (9th grade) has had an awful year. His grades have been mediocre at best. He failed algebra last quarter. This quarter, he's got a low B in algebra (good test grades...A's and B's, but low homework grades...zeros and incompletes) , a high B in biology, and he's failing French. He's got a Phillies game at stake...he's supposed to go with a friend of ours on May 2. He knew from the get-go that he needs to make honor roll to go (a 3.0, completely do-able if he studies...) Now he's carrying on like an infant that he won't be able to go (quarter ends a week from tomorrow) and it's OUR fault. Excuse me? Who didn't study ENOUGH for the French tests? Who didn't go in for extra help? It certainly wasn't ME!

I've already taken away the PS2 and Wii more times this year than I care to remember. It gets to the point that you take EVERYTHING away and they still don't do their job. I tried the bribe route too....I told him I'd buy him an XBox if he went five quarters of a 3.0. He didn't make it past the first quarter. I even offered money. No go.

Now, I'm on to: These are your choices. You do your job well and go to college. You don't do your job, don't make it to college, and you move out upon graduation (and good luck with that, by the way), or you go into the military. You choose the path for your life.

I'm so done, I can't even begin to tell you. He does not have a learning disability. He has no drive and no internal motivation. He's a classic under-achiever. Until he faces the natural consequences of what he's doing, I don't think anything is going to change.

ETA: we're on block scheduling here, so he only has three academic classes this semester. He already finished History and English last semester. Got final grades of C in history and B in English. Passed history by the skin of his teeth.

 

[justjulie]

This is a hard age for parents and kids - they want their independence but they need to learn how to be respectful and responsible in attaining it. If you take away the one thing they look forward to and/or are good at - say hockey - you take away all their motivation and the battle spirals ... finding the right balance can be so hard sometimes.

Credit where credit is due, he gets himself up every morning and off to school which is a 25 minute walk with no busing and is never late. He doesn't hate school - he attends every class - he just enjoys the social component more than the academic component.

My friend was in the same situation once and the teacher told her - school is not worth losing your relationship with your son - some kids need to fail to succeed and while I'm not condoning it, it's the biggest life lesson he may learn so back off, regain your family and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[golfgal]

Speaking as a once 14 year old boy, I wished my mom had nagged me more to study and get better grades in school. She did pester me and I am pretty sure she was feeling the same way you are now when I was that age.

I'm going to college now but can't help but think if I had worked harder in school I would have gone to college after high school and not waited until my early thirties. I would suggest talking to him about what he wants to do career wise later in life. Maybe give him examples of what he needs to achieve from an academic stand point to achieve his career goal.

Hindsight is always wonderful but in 8th grade if your mom nagged you, what would you have done?

OP, it is a rare boy that is actually motivated by external means-money, skateboards, whatever. It needs to come from within. I do find that spending time at places where they may end up if they don't do well at school-like mucking out the bathroom at a convenience store, can provide the incentive to internally motivate ones' self. The reality is though, 8th grade it is more important to be social to most kids-it is a natural part of growing up. That doesn't excuse the behavior, just explains it.

I would make sure he understands that as soon as he gets home, homework is done before anything. That is really the best you can do for now.

My oldest was JUST like that in 8th grade--well actually he still is like that. When we went to his college orientation they said that a lot of boys don't "get it" until college.

 

[FINFAN]

This is a hard age for parents and kids - they want their independence but they need to learn how to be respectful and responsible in attaining it. If you take away the one thing they look forward to and/or are good at - say hockey - you take away all their motivation and the battle spirals ... finding the right balance can be so hard sometimes.

Credit where credit is due, he gets himself up every morning and off to school which is a 25 minute walk with no busing and is never late. He doesn't hate school - he attends every class - he just enjoys the social component more than the academic component.

My friend was in the same situation once and the teacher told her - school is not worth losing your relationship with your son - some kids need to fail to succeed and while I'm not condoning it, it's the biggest life lesson he may learn so back off, regain your family and let the chips fall where they may.

good advice, SO happy to read a teacher gave it. DH and I are raising HUMAN BEINGS not just students.....the school system gets them 16 -20 years..but they are going to enter the real world at some point, perhaps have kids of their own, know how to be productive decent additons to society...that takes a lot more than what educational curriculum teaches. The kid is 14...his brain is all over the place, stuff he has no idea is even going on up there. Hang in there, and remember, while the boards offer advice, you will know the best way to go day by day with your son. Our society likes to neatly fit everyone into a specific mold, but no one is the same, and he is in the process of learning how to deal with all of this, not an overnight deal. That's what life is, learning.