a request from a Real mom

[mamajoan]

ok.....DD is 13 almost 14....... and I realize that puberty is a rough time... as I have survived my other kids going thru it and they did come out of it..... altho it was scary at times

Sis has dealt with a boy in her class who is just a pain in the butt for the last 5 years.... his name is Shawn... He is a known bully.
Yesterday, Cam got a detention for talking in class... after another group of kids were goofing around.. this being Shawn and Denise who also got detentions..... at lunch Cam told them to stop complaining about getting detentions... so then the war started...... and Shawn, Denise and Jaleel wrote Sis a note that started...

Well at least I have a REAL mom......

Cam is adopted.... she knows about everything and usually has no problems telling people. She is comfortable with the whole idea So most of her classmates know she is adopted. But this note just tore her apart as it was mean and hurtful....... she came home in tears.... She responded to their note with....at least I have a mom and dad who love me very much......

Well I have had it with Shawn and his cronies crap.. this note was hitting below the belt.. so I called the jr. hi and spoke to the Assist. Prin.
He was angry and said.. "that is a load of crap" he is going to speak with the offending kids today. This made Sis feel much better.

I just wanted to say..... to everyone...... I know both sides of the adoption issue having been on both sides....... birthmom/adoptive mom

PLEASE! Do not ask parents "Which kids are your natural/real kids?" It is offensive ..... my answer is always.." ALL of them"
Please do NOT ask invasive questions about the birthparents, especially in front of the child... or voice your opinions regarding "HOW COULD ANYONE GIVE AWAY THEIR CHILD?" DEAR GOD!!! Have sense enough to keep your opinions to yourself....You have absolutely NO idea how much that HURTS a birthmom or their child. The facts behind any adoption vary a great deal.... I think it is ok to be open with kids about adoption. Honesty goes along way in nuturing strong bonds. TACT and KINDNESS go a long way too.
Discuss with your kids that families are made up of different combinations of moms, dads, kids....
Your kids mirror your attitudes.
Thanks for letting me vent. I appreciate your kindness.
Joan

 

[tkyes]

that's so sad. How incredibly mean.

{{{{hugs}}}}


Tamie

 

[KimRaye]

For you & Cam, Joan. I hope the school can put an end to Shawn's cruelty.

Thanks for letting us know.

 

[hipporina]

I too am an adoptive mom and I am so sorry that those children were so insensitive. I sincerely hope that my children will never face that. We finalized our adoption in August and my oldest, 8 now, is so proud to be adopted he tells everybody, including strangers in stores, "We just got adopted!" I hope he will always feel that way.

One of the neatest things I have read regarding the issue of being a child's "real" mom was a story of a woman whose young adopted son was told that his mom wasn't his real mom. He went to her and asked her if she was because someone else had told him she wasn't. She held out her hand to him and asked him to touch her hand and see if she felt real. The son told her yes of course and she replied, well I'm your mom and I'm real, so I guess that means I'm your real mom!

It's wonderful to hear that you dd is as comfortable and happy about it as she is. I think that says a lot about you and your family. Its just such a shame that other people don't teach their children about being kind to others. I will be so disappointed if one of my children ever pulls a stunt like those chilren did! Ugh!

 

[tmq2766]

Mean kids are mean because their parents allow them to be!!!!!!
I really hope that principal lays into those bullies.

 

[mamajoan]

Thanks guys!

I think Cameo had a rough day yesterday and the ignorant note just pushed her over the top.

Hipporina! Congratulations!!! WAY COOL!!!

 

[binny]

Im so sorry! that makes me so angry!!

My cousin is an adoptive mom too. And someday God Willing, we will be as well.


I hope that she knows that just because she is adopted doesnt change how much she is loved! All children grow in our hearts, too you know

 

[wdwoldtimer]

You'd think those Do's and Don'ts you mentioned would be plain common courtesy...sadly they aren't.

 

[Sonya]

Man I'm so lucky no one pulled that crap on me, at least no one that I remember. Hopefully she will forget about it too.
It never bothered me when people would ask about my "other"mom, I had those same questions. But I know it did my mom. People want to know for curiosities sake, most don't mean to be hurtful.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I am so sorry for your and your DD's hurt.

Kids can be so cruel. There are all different kinds of families out there but in the end they are all FAMILIES, and that is what matters.

P.S. I understand the "real" mom thing too. My DH has two kids from a previous marriage (I consider them mine, too), and people make comments like when you become a mom, or when you become a real mom...blah blah blah. Well I am a mom, I have two kids that I love, adore and worry about, and it's even harder cuz they don't live with us, and I don't know what is always going on.

 

[mamajoan]

again my thanks for all the support. It is greatly appreciated.


I am proud that Cameo is able to answer questions about her adoption as best she can.

The teen years are dramatic enough with out having to deal with stuff like this from other kids. I told her that everyone gets teased about something... and if this is all those kids could think about to try to get her goat.. well then they sure did not have much to remark about...... she told me.. "that's right mom, and the rest of my true friends have been very supportive,.. LOL they want to kick those other kids butts"

Ya.. I LOL.. but I told her that the "kicking butts" was not appropriate........ even tho later on today I let myself smile at the idea......

 

[debster812]

Yeah--but do the little twerps realize that Cameo has roughly 50K 'Aunties' and 'Uncles' to back her up?? I bet not.

So terribly sad. We've actually just started havin an adoption conversation with our DS. One of his cousins was adopted as an inafant, and at his birthday party this past weekend, he was filling in DS on all the 'details' (as many details as a 7 year old can get). You can bet there were all sorts of questions on the ride home. I just tried to do the best I could.

 

[doxdogy]

No advice, just hugs to your daughter.

 

[C.Ann]

This makes me SOOOOOO angry!

Unfortunately, adults can be just as cruel, and as an adult adoptee, let me tell you, it hurts just as much..

A number of years ago I was at a party at my adult cousins house and the topic came up that I was adopted as an infant - and that years later, when I was 17, my parents adopted yet another child..

My cousin started laughing and said, "Yeah - if you have any kids you don't want, give them to Uncle Frankie.."

Wow - did that ever hurt! Like I was a stray dog they had taken in..

A couple of years after that I was at a baby shower and my aunt (this cousins mother) was introducing me to someone and said, "This is Frankie's daughter." - to which her mother (the cousins grandmother) - piped right up and said,"Oh but she's not really Frankie's daughter!!"

I know my parents loved me every bit as much as their biological children - and sometimes I honestly think my Dad loved me MORE - but it doesn't make those kind of remarks any less painful..

Please tell your daughter I know exactly how she feels - and give her a big hug and a kiss from me..........

C.Ann

 

[AZKathy]

Children can be so hurtful.

Our children are adopted also. We have been open and honest about it since they were able to ask questions and it is no big deal in our home. Megan, my 9 year old DD confided in her best bud in school about her being adopted and her friend told a friend and guess what? The whole class found out and a child said a hurtful thing about it to her.

Fortunately, her teacher has tried to set the class straight and the one child got in trouble for his comments. DD also told us that her teacher spoke with the class about his own kids are adopted.

This all happened this week and I plan on getting with the teacher after the holiday break to possibly go into the class myself and do some education about adoption. We'll see.

I was so angry and hurt that people can be so niave about this issue. I think the anger came from not wanting my children ever to feel hurt from things like that.

I appreciate your thread. I don't like those words "real" and such. Wrong words can make such a difference to making such a positive thing to a negative tone. Thanks for your post!

 

[Dan Murphy]

Nice thoughts, Joan. And as adoptive parents here too, we have been aware of similar comments over the years, but most times seemed fine here, thankfully. A big from a big guy here in Chicago for Cam, and so glad to have been able to meet her this past summer here.

 

[Val]

My aunt and uncle adopted their children many, many years ago. My grandparents raised my brothers and sisters and me, so we didn't live with our parents. In a way, all of us cousins got a little grief now and again about our parents. I will never forget what my littlest cousin (who is now in her mid 30's BTW) said as a retort: ""Hey, at least MY parents got to choose me. They picked the BEST kid. Your parents (meaning those with 'birth' parents) just got stuck with the luck of the draw- you!" Stuck with me all those years- and in a sense, there is some truth to it. Tell Cam that she was a wanted and chosen child and that makes her extra, extra special. And, in 20 years (okay, maybe it will take 30 years), she will be able to laugh about her junior high years!!!!

 

[pokiemomo181]

I was adopted also. I was always proud of it. Anytime someone tried to make an issue of it, I told them MY parents chose me, yours got stuck with you. Worked everytime. Have her reverse it on them with this. If nothing else it will make her feel better. Hugs to you and your daughter.


Pokie

 

[Jeafl]

Joan, your post brought tears to my eyes. Big hugs to Cameo.

Another thing I wanted to mention was that so many people completely ingnore adoptions. My neighbor whom I am friendly with, but not really close friends, just adoped a 4 year old girl from Russia. I brought over a card and some gifts for her when they got back from Moscow. Would you believe she told me that I was the ONLY person (other than her immediate family) who even acknowledged the adoption? She brought up a good point...she has attended over 50 baby showers in her life for people with newborns, but none of them even sent her a card. It really made me sad. I think any addition to the family, no matter how they get there, deserves to be celebrated. The whole thinkg just made me so sad for her. and her new daughter Tatiana.

 

[minniecarousel]

oh, MJ, {{{{{{HUGS}}}}} to your DD!

Hang in there Mom!