A newly divorced shower

[meandtheguys2]

As long as we seem to now be throwing showers for any which reason, I want to have one. I've been married for over 20 years and all my original stuff is either broken, dated, or just worn out. Can I have a Re-Shower?

Great idea. Every five years would be good. Appliances and towels aren't made to last forever...

The idea of buying stuff for someone who is obviously old enough to have a job, etc., just because of a divorce is just off, in my opinion. I mean, how many people here would ask people to purchase these items for them?

 

[mickeyfan2]

I have been invited to a "shower" for a friends sister who is newly divorced. I have never heard of such a thing. I was taken aback I must say. The reasoning is she is she is starting fresh and has nothing to call her own.
Part of me understands, but the other part is thinking WTH? I'm not sure if I am going, but wanted to know if this is a new trend?

I would not be going. She got things at her shower(s), if she has nothing now then she did not fight for her share of the assets.

 

[mickeyfan2]

As long as we seem to now be throwing showers for any which reason, I want to have one. I've been married for over 20 years and all my original stuff is either broken, dated, or just worn out. Can I have a Re-Shower?

Count me in too.

For many in 20 years they will have had many showers as they divorce and remarry. Why punish the ones who actually stay married.

 

[auntpolly]

Let's all take turns giving each other re - (newing our love?)-showers.

We could just skip the whole party and mail each other gifts!!!

I'm registered at best buy - my phone just broke!

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

I would not be going. She got things at her shower(s), if she has nothing now then she did not fight for her share of the assets.

this is a pretty unfair statement..we don't know what happened.. to assume that she didn't fight is a strech
maybe he had a better attorney, maybe they didn't have much to begin with..who says they got a shower in the first place...
I believe the original post was she had nothing that was "hers"..maybe every towel and sheet reminded her of his affair or him beating her...
conjecture isn't fair unless you know all the details

 

[caitycaity]

Umm..if she can't afford stuff, isn't that what alimony, a settlement, and court is for???

if she has nothing now then she did not fight for her share of the assets.

i hope you guys never have a family member who gets screwed in a divorce. it happens all the time. people who did nothing wrong and are the victim in situations don't always get what they deserve from the courts. furthermore, even if the court ordered support, there are people out there who don't pay and trying to get them to pay is not always an easy proposition. in my experience, these are some pretty unfair assumptions/statements.

 

[meandtheguys2]

i hope you guys never have a family member who gets screwed in a divorce. it happens all the time. people who did nothing wrong and are the victim in situations don't always get what they deserve from the courts. in my experience, these are some pretty unfair assumptions/statements.

But in those circumstances, they weren't inviting people to re-stock their homes. Those that were near, made sure they had what they needed, oftentimes used, because that was what we had. Or, they have been invited into our homes while they got on their feet. I think it is the "come and bring me gifts" as well as the celebratory idea of a "shower."

 

[Cool-Beans]

I think it is a great idea. Your friend needs material things and she needs the support of her friends. You can give her both all at once.

Unless you are convinced that your friend really wants to celebrate the divorce and isn't just putting on a happy face (who on Earth is really happy about a failed marriage?), I wouldn't call it a "Divorce Shower." Besides, the gifts aren't about the divorce. They're about the future. So I'd call it something like a "New Beginnings Shower." I personally would ask around for better titles, because I'm not creative.

But, anyway, I'd focus on what the shower is for, not why it was needed. We call it a "Baby Shower," not a "Whoops, Had Sex With a Stranger and Can't Find Him Now Shower." And we don't call a "Wedding Shower" a "She's Pregnant and They Have To Get Married Shower."

Good for you guys!

...but I don't want to see a trend where everyone who gets divorced now thinks they deserve presents for it.

 

[mickeyfan2]

this is a pretty unfair statement..we don't know what happened.. to assume that she didn't fight is a strech
maybe he had a better attorney, maybe they didn't have much to begin with..who says they got a shower in the first place...
I believe the original post was she had nothing that was "hers"..maybe every towel and sheet reminded her of his affair or him beating her...
conjecture isn't fair unless you know all the details

I have seen enought divorce to know how they go.

When my GF was getting screwed by her ex she did not have a party to get stuff. Those of us who were close to her stepped up and helped out in ways that raised her self esteem. A give me stuff party does not help with self esteem. I found it way more rewarding to do anonymous stuff for her when she really needed it. I would mow her 1 acre when she fell behind, go to the store for stuff for her and not tell her the real cost of the items. She would reimburse me what she could not what it cost. This was way better for her and the way a true friend helps.

 

[meandtheguys2]

But, anyway, I'd focus on what the shower is for, not why it was needed. We call it a "Baby Shower," not a "Whoops, Had Sex With a Stranger and Can't Find Him Now Shower."

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

This was way better for her and the way a true friend helps.

i am not saying I agree with a shower per se, i just don't think we should rush to say she didn't "fight"

 

[Cool-Beans]

i am not saying I agree with a shower per se, i just don't thing we should rush to say she didn't "fight"

I agree. For all we know, she could be in the process of fighting...but still, when you get out of the shower, you need the towel. Not the promise that when the court proceedings are over, you'll have one.

Besides, if your friends need stuff, you help them, right? You don't sit around and determine whether or not it is their fault or if they meet your standards, etc. That's for social workers, not friends. I think. Maybe I'm wrong.

 

[shirleyb]

I'd go to a "divorce party", but not a divorce shower. And if I had a newly divorced friend, I'd be happy to help them if they needed stuff, but the whole "shower" thing would be a turn off to me.

 

[smartestnumber5]

If a divorce shower is "asking people to support you" than so is a wedding shower and a baby shower. But nobody objects to those.

And I don't understand why one would assume that if a person could use some things to set up a new household, then they must not have tried very hard in a divorce. When my cousin got divorced she had a high school education and had been a stay at home mom (and babysitter for about 8 children) for 6 years and had two children under the age of 6. At this time she and her husband were scraping by. He had been working a low paying job at a Children's Home during the night shift which allowed him to do nothing most of the time he was at work; he was obtaining his MA during the day. Shortly after he got the MA, he left my cousin. She did get some alimony got to stay in the house for a short time before it had to be sold, but he was leaving the marriage with a master's degree and a full-time job and she had only a high school education and 6 years of not working. And since they didn't have much in the way of assets to begin with (they actually owed money on the house) there was nothing but dishes and furniture to split. If a couple didn't have much to begin with, then splitting it up into two households is definitely going to both them in a financial squeeze. Do you people making this accusation only have wealthy friends?

In any case, I think the idea of a divorce shower is fine. Most people I know who get divorced are far from wealthy and definitely could use some help and I don't feel like I'm supporting them anymore than I am supporting people when they get married or have babies. Also I'm sure in a lot of cases a boost to the morale is definitely needed.

As for whether a divorce is "something to celebrate." I figure it isn't the job of the person invited to the wedding shower or baby shower or divorce shower to decide that; if the person going through it thinks it's something to celebrate than so be it. After all, there are plenty of weddings that are the beginning of a disasterous marriage. Plenty of pregnancies that are more regretful than happy.

My only concern about a divorce shower is the money issue--especially since this just funnels more gifts to people who have usually already had other showers before. My divorced cousin is now remarried and has had another baby. So she has had 2 wedding showers, 2 weddings, and 3 baby showers. Though I would have been okay with a divorce shower, that is a lot of showers! Perhaps it would have been good if she had had the divorce shower but not had the shower for wedding #2 or baby #3. I was happened to see the episode of Sex and the City last night where Carrie loses her $450 shoes when a friend makes them take them off at her house. The friend offers to pay for them but balks when she hears how expensive they are telling Carrie "I shouldn't have to pay for your life choices." Carrie goes home and calculates that she's spent over $2000 on her friend's life choices--wedding shower, wedding, baby #1, baby #2, etc--but Carrie has not gotten a gift to celebrate her life choices since graduation, as if her choices are just as valuable or as important as her friends.

That's the way I look at it too. Perhaps there should be a lifetime limit on the number of these events one can have. Everybody gets 3 gift-giving celebrations total. Have them for any reason you want--wedding, baby, new job, new home, became a stripper, won the lottery, got out of prison--whatever.

Seriously though, just because it has become socially mandatory to celebrate other people's weddings and babies, I don't see those things as inherently any more worthy of celebration than any other choice a person makes. In any case, I pretty much figure I'll be in something like Carrie's shoes. My family will never see my choice to get a PhD as worthy of celebration along the lines of a wedding or a baby. And since GF and I are both women, when we do have a wedding or a baby we fully expect that some people in the family will refuse to celebrate those things with us. I figure at least then I won't have to bother sending them gifts for their celebrations anymore!

 

[azgal81]

I honestly don't see a problem with a divorce shower. It sounds like fun. The first time I heard about a divorce party was in us weekly. I forgot what celeb it was but her friends brought gifts and had a party. I'm sure there will be quite a few people there!

 

[Freyja]

I cannot think of any situation where a divorce is a cause for celebration. I think there are many divorces that are really the best option for all involved. And I can understand someone saying "thank God that is over". But, it's still the ending of promises made, the break up of a family. Even if it is for the better, it's not something that I think should be celebrated with a shower.

JMO, obviously people have the right to do whatever they want and feel however they feel about it. Just adding my opinion.

I agree! And asking for gifts on top of that...

 

[Aidensmom]

Under the right circumstances, I don't have a problem with it.

If it's a party for a woman who left her family to be with her new drug dealer boyfriend, then no I wouldn't go.

But if it's for the friend who left her husband for her own good & the good of her children, then I would definitely go.

I agree. I don't think this is something that has a black or white answer - it all depends on the details.

For example, if this is a woman with children with an abusive husband and she finally mustered the courage to get out, despite the fact that she hadn't been working and needs to find a job and has no other financial resources, I think a shower would be a wonderful, caring, thoughtful idea.

However, if this was someone on their third divorce just because she got tired of being married, with no children, and who would be getting enough alimony she had no need for a job, then, yeah, tacky would be an understatement.

 

[MainStMandy]

I can see in certain situations where it would be appropriate and i don't believe it to be tacky.

And although many would not agree with my reasons for divorce, and that's your opinion, I can say I walked away with nothing. Why? Because I refused to turn my life upside down and argue insesenttly with my ex over STUFF! So now I am forced to live at home with my parents as I slowly build up my savings account and restock my life with necessities (such as plates and silverware....I walked away with my clothes and a few personal items).

I can see this as a great way to help a friend get back on track.

 

[Jennasis]

I can see in certain situations where it would be appropriate and i don't believe it to be tacky.

And although many would not agree with my reasons for divorce, and that's your opinion, I can say I walked away with nothing. Why? Because I refused to turn my life upside down and argue insesenttly with my ex over STUFF! So now I am forced to live at home with my parents as I slowly build up my savings account and restock my life with necessities (such as plates and silverware....I walked away with my clothes and a few personal items).

I can see this as a great way to help a friend get back on track.

Same situation for me and I agree with you.

I left with my clothes and toiletries, and never looked back.