A Mother-in-Law Vent UPDATE pg 2. GFIL passed :(

[Marseeya]

MIL has me so angry!

DH's grandfather has been in the hospital for nearly two weeks now and she just now got around to telling DH about it and that "it might be serious." He was in tears all day after he found out because she never thought to tell him in the first place. He'd tried calling his grandfather this past week, but it's not unusual for him not to reach him, so he didn't think anything of it. What makes it worse is that in these past two weeks, we could have put aside some extra money so he could fly out there, or he could have arranged for some time off rather than using up his time on personal days at home. As it is, DH will have to lose some pay to take the trip, and it's going to be a financial hardship because we've been spending down to the last penny for Christmas. His grandfather had to go into surgery today and might not make it through, so DH never did get to talk to him. And don't you think the grandfather might be wondering why DH hasn't sent a card or called to wish him well??? Also, my BIL lives out there and even he doesn't know yet. MIL doesn't even have his phone number, so she asked DH to call him for her. Can you even imagine a mother not having her son's phone number?

This is just par for the course for my MIL -- very typical of her. I promised myself a while ago not to let her get to me, but I just can't let it go when she's hurting my husband! Thanks for listening to me vent.

 

[simba928]

I am so sorry for your husband.

 

[eeyore kelly]

Wow...

Hugs for you and your DH

P & PD for his grandfather

 

[escape]

Some people just don't think.

Hope your DH's grandfather is able to pull through.

 

[Zurealsoon]

Its possible that the extent of the illness wasn't apparent at first. Many people don't call all the relatives the instant someone goes into the hospital. Why be angry? This is her father who is ill.

 

[Keli]

I understand how you feel. It's easier to forgive someone that hurts you but much harder to forgive the person that hurts your spouse or your children.

I'm sorry your dh is going through this and that his grandfather is so ill. I hope he gets better and that your dh gets to take the trip to see him.

 

[robinb]

Also, my BIL lives out there and even he doesn't know yet. MIL doesn't even have his phone number, so she asked DH to call him for her. Can you even imagine a mother not having her son's phone number?

Yes I can. Not all families are perfect. I'm sure it kills her not to have his phone number. It would kill me. As for her father ... it's possible that she didn't want to "bother" her sons (one of which won't talk to her) unless she knows it is serious. Yes, she waited too long. Give her a break. Her father is dying.

 

[MoniqueU]

I can sort of relate. My mom would wait to tell me people I was close to were dying like a great aunt. Everyone else knew and it was imminent. People were sitting around discussing her funeral arrangements and so forth and I didnt even know she was that sick. I was mortified and so upset. Then my other great uncle that lived a bit far from me but that I always enjoyed seeing when I went to see my great grandma died and she didnt tell me because she didnt want to upset me. Well when she finally did tell me I was still upset. I don't get it. It makes no sense.

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope your husband gets there to spend time with his grandpa and that his grandpa gets better. I don't think it is right or fair to keep news like this from people.

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

Wow. That's terrible. And I thought my MIL was bad. She at least calls so we can feel sorry for her that some tragedy is in progress.

to you and your DH.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

 

[Marseeya]

Its possible that the extent of the illness wasn't apparent at first. Many people don't call all the relatives the instant someone goes into the hospital. Why be angry? This is her father who is ill.

They did know it was pretty serious.

I can understand not calling all the relatives, but this is her son -- the grandson. I can't ever imagine not knowing when one of my grandparents went into the hospital for even the most routine test.

 

[Marseeya]

I understand how you feel. It's easier to forgive someone that hurts you but much harder to forgive the person that hurts your spouse or your children.

I'm sorry your dh is going through this and that his grandfather is so ill. I hope he gets better and that your dh gets to take the trip to see him.

As of 2 a.m., he wasn't going to make it through the night, but we haven't heard anything at this point, so we're hoping. It's hard to be so far away and having to rely on the phone calls.

 

[Marseeya]

Yes I can. Not all families are perfect. I'm sure it kills her not to have his phone number. It would kill me. As for her father ... it's possible that she didn't want to "bother" her sons (one of which won't talk to her) unless she knows it is serious. Yes, she waited too long. Give her a break. Her father is dying.

I am giving her a break. Why do you think I'm venting on a message board instead of ripping her a new one? Like I said, this is very typical of her -- if she weren't already so hurtful to my DH and my kids, I'd be more inclined to cut her some slack. Sorry, but I'm not easily able to handle watching someone cause my loved ones pain, no matter what the reason.

Regarding her son (my BIL), trust me, he'd like to talk to her but it's not his fault. Some people can only take so much abuse before they refuse to take any more. The only reason she has any kind of relationship with DH is because he's so forgiving. I don't think he's going to be quite so forgiving if he doesn't get to say goodbye to his grandfather, though. This just might be the last straw with him. I've never seen him so upset.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I'm so sorry, my friend. Please check your PMs.

 

[Marseeya]

I can sort of relate. My mom would wait to tell me people I was close to were dying like a great aunt. Everyone else knew and it was imminent. People were sitting around discussing her funeral arrangements and so forth and I didnt even know she was that sick. I was mortified and so upset. Then my other great uncle that lived a bit far from me but that I always enjoyed seeing when I went to see my great grandma died and she didnt tell me because she didnt want to upset me. Well when she finally did tell me I was still upset. I don't get it. It makes no sense.

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope your husband gets there to spend time with his grandpa and that his grandpa gets better. I don't think it is right or fair to keep news like this from people.

Oh my. How long had your great uncle been dead before your mother told you? Wow. That had to be tough to take.

I'm with you -- I don't think it's right to keep news like this from loved ones either. My family is far from perfect, but this kind of thing would be unimaginable to them.

From the sounds of it, all of DH's cousins have been rallying around because they've been in on it from the beginning. I can't even begin to imagine how much this is hurting DH to be left out of the loop, and all I can do is be here for him.

Thanks for giving me this outlet to vent.

 

[Marseeya]

I'm so sorry, my friend. Please check your PMs.

Thanks.

Looks like we're always on the same schedule!

Glad you're back.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am giving her a break. Why do you think I'm venting on a message board instead of ripping her a new one? Like I said, this is very typical of her -- if she weren't already so hurtful to my DH and my kids, I'd be more inclined to cut her some slack. Sorry, but I'm not easily able to handle watching someone cause my loved ones pain, no matter what the reason.

Regarding her son (my BIL), trust me, he'd like to talk to her but it's not his fault. Some people can only take so much abuse before they refuse to take any more. The only reason she has any kind of relationship with DH is because he's so forgiving. I don't think he's going to be quite so forgiving if he doesn't get to say goodbye to his grandfather, though. This just might be the last straw with him. I've never seen him so upset.

I understand that you are very upset. I also understand that your husband is probably in shock. You know that his mother is awful but when serious stuff happens it hits you HOW AWFUL the relationship is. Accepting reality stinks, when it comes to family. I think it is the hardest thing we do as people. Give yourself a break, and realize that the MIL is never going to be "normal", warm or fuzzy.

And if this is the last straw, then so be it. I would do alot of comforting as it sounds as if he is not going to make it. Don't let him wallow in his mother's antics, but help him remember his grandpa.
I have had my share of missing out on saying goodbye, it does feel awful. All of my grandparents are gone and now I have moved into the parent stage.
{HUGS}

 

[Marseeya]

I understand that you are very upset. I also understand that your husband is probably in shock. You know that his mother is awful but when serious stuff happens it hits you HOW AWFUL the relationship is. Accepting reality stinks, when it comes to family. I think it is the hardest thing we do as people. Give yourself a break, and realize that the MIL is never going to be "normal", warm or fuzzy.

And if this is the last straw, then so be it. I would do alot of comforting as it sounds as if he is not going to make it. Don't let him wallow in his mother's antics, but help him remember his grandpa.
I have had my share of missing out on saying goodbye, it does feel awful. All of my grandparents are gone and now I have moved into the parent stage.
{HUGS}

Thanks. You're right when you say when bad things happen, that's when you realize how awful things really are. My DH would give his life for his mother and it kills me that she doesn't appreciate what a wonderful son she has.

I've been trying to comfort him this morning. He's driving himself nuts because he wants to get out there where they live, but we have a big snowstorm coming and it's really not a good idea to chance it. If he'd been able to leave yesterday... so many what ifs and he's only going to blame himself. I've got to do this balancing act between assuring him that it's not his fault and not saying whose fault it really is, if you know what I mean.

 

[bananiem]

Thanks. it kills me that she doesn't appreciate what a wonderful son she has.

Do we have the same MIL? Seriously, I know what you're feeling. We've been in a similiar situation. to you and your DH.

 

[Marseeya]

Just wanted to post an update.

DH's grandfather passed this afternoon.

DH is absolutely devastated right now, and it's just killing him that we can't get out there right away. I wish so much that there were something I could do to comfort him. We can't leave until the weather clears, and that won't be until at least Saturday.

Please keep DH in your thoughts. This is going to torment him for a long time.