WWYD- Tired of Best Friend's Lame Excuses- Update Post #50, Final Post #76

[cabanafrau]

And if we're really honest with ourselves, we're not always perfect friends, either.

I tell my daughter this all the time.

OP, you never answered my question, but I see in a post above that you answered it indirectly; that your friend has changed.


Mental illnesses like depression are as serious and deserving of our empathy as any other illness.

I'd suggest you simply talk to your friend after the wedding is over, and listen to what she has to say. Ask her if she's depressed. You might be surprised to hear what she says. Maybe it will be therapeutic for her. Maybe it will be therapeutic for you. It sound like you've both been going through some difficult times, but apart, not together. After your talk you can think about it for a while and decide what you want to do. But ask the hard questions of both her and yourself before you walk away from a friendship of that length. Just my .02.

Enjoy the wedding.

This is the only rational reason I came up with regarding your friend's behavior.

Just do not see the motherofthebridezilla syndrome in OP that others do. I think the friend understood very well OP's state of mind and the circumstances of the wedding/how desired her presence was on multiple levels. If the friend is functioning well enough to be doing as much socializing as she has, and posting about it on Facebook, she's functional enough to understand she needed to suck it up for her friend. In the end what was being asked was to come celebrate the marriage of the daughter of a friend, both parties to whom she has been close for a long time. Part two of the ask was to enjoy a meal and some conversation -- two things her Facebook seem to demonstrate she is both capable of and enjoys. To suggest OP is being overly demanding and has no right to feel the sting here is nonsense.

A talk to clear the air isn't a bad idea. Let enough time pass to be ready to be "over it" on your own terms, without any input from your friend. Keep the conversation calm and on point. No alcohol involved. Make room for your friend's issues, but do not allow her to spin a cloak of woe exonerating her of any responsibility. Openly own up to your shortcomings. I'd lay odds your friend will do any and everything in her power to avoid this conversation if she realizes you're not going to cave into pity for her and you're not going to lose it and tell her off. Both of those options allow her the opportunity to make this your fault. If she senses you want to get anywhere close to the truth in a calm, reasoned way she will evaporate.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Agree with cabanafrau above.

For me personally this would be my "line in the sand" with this "friend".

Friendship is based in reciprocity. It is the core of what makes a friend a friend. It is someone that has your back.

A friend does not "stick it to you". I would consider someone who did that to me a "frenemy".

 

[Hrhpd]

You're right that no one has to travel to go to any wedding but I do think it's wrong to RSVP yes then back out at the last minute and use travel as the excuse.

But the friend said that her car was just in an accident and could not be driven at night. A car accident cannot be anticipated months or even days ahead.

The OP doesn't want accept that reason because she said the husband can use his car. None of the reasons are valid enough for the OP.

 

[cluvsdisney]

But the friend said that her car was just in an accident and could not be driven at night. A car accident cannot be anticipated months or even days ahead.

The OP doesn't want accept that reason because she said the husband can use his car. None of the reasons are valid enough for the OP.

I was under the impression the husband was invited to the wedding as well. If that's the case, then I don't see a problem with using his car. If that's not the case, I don't see a problem with using his car. But then my husband and I don't really have a my car/his car situation and neither of us would blow off a wedding we committed to going to unless there was an emergency. I also know that if it was necessary, he would drive me to the wedding even if he wasn't invited so I wouldn't miss the wedding and vice versa.

 

[NewRVLady]

But the friend said that her car was just in an accident and could not be driven at night. A car accident cannot be anticipated months or even days ahead.

The OP doesn't want accept that reason because she said the husband can use his car. None of the reasons are valid enough for the OP.

???? Why isn't that valid - they have a drive able car and husband was invited!?

 

[JanaDee]

I find some of these responses very interesting. How many times has it been said when a poster wonders over going to a wedding that an invitation isn't a summons and they aren't required to go? What's funny is it is some of the very same posters that are now saying how rude the friend is being for not going to the wedding.

 

[leebee]

I find some of these responses very interesting. How many times has it been said when a poster wonders over going to a wedding that an invitation isn't a summons and they aren't required to go? What's funny is it is some of the very same posters that are now saying how rude the friend is being for not going to the wedding.

The problem I have is that the friend said yes and then canceled at the very last minute. Yes, things happen, but from the OP's posts it doesn't sound like the explanations are necessarily valid. While I don't think that a wedding invitation is a summons to appear, if you say yes, you should try your best to GO.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

I'd be writing off this friend entirely. You are right OP, her excuses are not valid. I can't believe how much push back you are getting on this thread. If she's been your best friend for 25 years, and she's had the date for months, she should have set this date aside months ago. I'm wondering if she's already written off the friendship for some other reason. Friends don't treat others this way.

 

[cabanafrau]

The problem I have is that the friend said yes and then canceled at the very last minute. Yes, things happen, but from the OP's posts it doesn't sound like the explanations are necessarily valid. While I don't think that a wedding invitation is a summons to appear, if you say yes, you should try your best to GO.

That's exactly my problem with it. As I said upthread, I have no problem with not attending if you have replied you are not attending on the response card. I don't even have a problem if you've replied yes and then are unable to come if you have a suddenly ill child to care for, your doggie starts unexpectedly suffering seizures and you really can't leave him or you wind up with a blinding migraine. Oh my goodness, we're so sorry you couldn't be there, we'll really miss you.

Longterm friend with a daughter you've been close to her whole life, you respond yes, YOU whine about your financial issues and know that your friend is throwing a limited affair not to overspend her budget and then you back out with flimsy excuses knowing your friend has to spend a dime on your flakeout? You at least apologize to your friend and tell her you are so sorry you cannot come as you had planned, you cannot explain the issue at this time, and please accept your very deepest apologies. You don't evaporate, you give a sincere apology with sincere regrets.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I hope the wedding went well!
Congratulations!

OP, I am not seeing you as a mother-of-the-bridezilla!
But, I do see that there are some issues going on, where you expect and 'need' this so called friend to be there.
And, unfortunately, that doesn't always work out.
I am glad that you are moving forward, and are not trying to be over-involved and co-dependent and needy!

Having said all of that...
Some posters here are noticing how, perhaps, this friend has changed.
And changes like this do come with an underlying reason.

The thing that really comes up in my mind, the stongest, is that there could be some issues that involve her husband.
Could he be the cause of any financial, or personal, issues???
When I see a woman who can't seem to find the money and time or opportunity to take off and do something...
Something as simple as a friends wedding...
I might be WAY off the mark here.
But, the woman's SO comes to my mind.

 

[disneyeveryyear]

You most certainly can tell the caterer or the hall to pack up the leftover buffet food.

As far as everything else goes, text and FB is not going to help the situation. Sit down with her after the wedding face to face and talk things out if you feel a need to. Personally I think she would just stay in my rear view mirror...it's done.

As someone who has worked in the fine dining food industry for years, this is not necessarily correct. If you purchase a buffet meal at our place, we guarantee food for the party for the requisite period of time (unlimited), however, there are no carry-out meals allowed. Also, you pay for the number of people you guarantee. If more show up, you pay for them also, but you do not get a reduction in price for no-shows. We have ordered/prepared food for the number you guaranteed.

Some caterers are more lenient since they have no use for the left-over food, others are very strict. I suggest you look at your contract and politely ask your caterer. They may say no, they may allow it.

 

[NewRVLady]

OP- hope it's a beautiful wedding right now

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I find some of these responses very interesting. How many times has it been said when a poster wonders over going to a wedding that an invitation isn't a summons and they aren't required to go? What's funny is it is some of the very same posters that are now saying how rude the friend is being for not going to the wedding.

Yes it is not a summons. You decline the RSVP.

However if you RSVP you are going and bail 3 days before you are a bonafide jackhole. This is assuming that the bailout is not an emergency of course.

If the OP's friend could not make it because she had zero transportation then the OP has to be understanding about that.

 

[NewRVLady]

OP-I was thinking of this thread this weekend-and I REALLY see your point now

Invited close relatives to my son's engagement party-one declined due to 2 conflicting events and they live a big distance away, So I understood (Later with other conversations, I discovered those events really didn't conflict...oh well)

Then another was going to come. Then realized her DH's 2 teen relatives were visiting that week and asked if they could bring them-there was no way-it was close family and close friends only.
She said she would definitely "pop in for an hour or so". 4 hours before, she declined.
She has known my son from birth-30 years-we get together often-all holidays, she married her DH 10 years ago and only met these visitors a few times- I am very hurt.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhh, I can see how this is hurtful!!!
I am sorry that happened.
I am the one who posted about my son's best friend and his Eagle Scout Ceremony.

OP, I am glad that it seems that you enjoyed the wedding!
I agree with two of the posts above, and had mentioned earlier...
What you are describing does sound like there there might be some real issues going on with this friend.
I had thought of things like issues with her husband, some kind of addiction, etc.
When I hear descriptions of a woman who is acting this way, more than she has before, unless I see other signs of things like depression, the husband or SO immediately comes to my mind.

PS: We are planning a getaway to the beach again this Fall. We want to bring my son's best friend along! His mother, who we are also friendly with, is now really pining for this kind of vacation, and we want to make it a 'family' thing! We are paying for the accommodations, and beleive that, if all else fails, my son will son will have his best friend with him again this year... But, accepting the reality... Yes, we are fully aware that we can not count on his mother's commitment until we see her there with us on the beach. When one has realistic expectations, it is much less likely to be so disappointed!

 

[Hrhpd]

OP-I was thinking of this thread this weekend-and I REALLY see your point now

Invited close relatives to my son's engagement party-one declined due to 2 conflicting events and they live a big distance away, So I understood (Later with other conversations, I discovered those events really didn't conflict...oh well)

Then another was going to come. Then realized her DH's 2 teen relatives were visiting that week and asked if they could bring them-there was no way-it was close family and close friends only.
She said she would definitely "pop in for an hour or so". 4 hours before, she declined.
She has known my son from birth-30 years-we get together often-all holidays, she married her DH 10 years ago and only met these visitors a few times- I am very hurt.

Declining a few hours before an event is rude and I am sorry you are hurt.

But, she gave you many hints that she might not be able to make it. Saying you are going to 'pop in for an hour' is basically saying 'if I can get away.' If somebody told me they had out of town relatives as guests and said they were going to pop in for an hour, I would pretty much write them off showing up. You get busy with guests and things happen.

Many people that I know don't see the importance of an engagement party, they don't see the significance of it, even for relatives. They actually feel like they are just another gift grab in the many parties that are to come before the wedding. I know I would not feel as obliged to attend an engagement party as I would the actual wedding, especially if I had out of town guests. It wouldn't matter how many times I had met them, if they were relatives of my husband, they would take precedence over an engagement party. I would know there will be many more chances to celebrate the future bride and groom, so relatives from out of town, especially if we only see them a few times in 10 years would have to take precedence over an engagement party. Out of town relatives absolutely would not take precedence over the wedding of your son though.

Give her a chance to redeem herself to see if she attends the wedding and reception. Those are really the important celebrations!

And congratulations to your son and his bride-to-be!