WWYD - long *Update in post#28

[NoSoup4U]

What a horrible woman. She has no right to call herself a mother. She abandoned her children without a care in the world and now wants to play mommy?

I'm with everyone else. Ignore her. She doesn't even deserve any acknowledgement. What you decide to do in your house with another adult is your concern. Not hers. I have a funny feeling that you wouldn't be able to trust a word that comes out of her mouth anyway.

 

[mom2girls1974]

Honestly (and very humbly) I would say that this "mother" is the family problem that she speaks of and that you are these twins mother -and that you have given them any start in life that they are going to get. I thank you for that -and hope that they have! You sound like a truly kind hearted person, and like others have said, ignore this person like you have never done anyone before! Go on doing what feels right in your heart, you have done a fine job so far, it sounds like, and be the mother to these young ladies that you have been. Thank goodness that they have you in their lives!

 

[AntePrincess]

I'll add my 2¢ to the pile and say ignore this woman. Whatever she is, she's not these women's mother and it sounds like she's just trying to poison the well against her own daughter.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

First, some background. When DD was a junior in high school two of her friends (twin girls) turned 18 at the end of April (also their junior year). We knew both girls really well as they spent quite a bit of time at our home. Their mother and step-father decided to move over 18 hours away and the girls were told “you’re 18 and adults now, you figure it out.” We ended up taking both girls in. They stayed with us for a bit over two years, through their first year of college. During this time frame mom never visited, helped with their support, nothing. She didn’t come for high school graduation, never sent birthday or Christmas gifts, nothing. There was some limited telephone contact.

After the two years, their mom and step-father moved back to the area. Both girls moved back in with them. A year later the mom and step-dad decided to move again, more than 30 hours away. At that time the girls went into a shared apartment/roommate situation. After a year mom & step-dad moved back again.

One of the girls got married during their year away (mom didn't come to the wedding). She’s no longer going to school, but is working full time and doing well. The other one moved back in with the mom and step-dad. The roommate situation didn’t work out well for her at all. It sounds to me like most everything was in her name and she got stuck with a bunch of bills.

The married twin is now pregnant and her husband lost his job. She and her husband moving in with the mom & step-dad who are now kicking the other twin out because “they don’t have enough room.” Evidently they’re in a two bedroom apartment. The kicked out twin has been looking for a place to go, but has been unsuccessful. She works two part-time jobs, is still in school, and has been trying to pay off all the bills she got stuck with. We live in a high cost of living area and she just can’t afford to go into an apartment on her own. She's been "couch surfing" for the last week or so.

We offered to have her move back in with us. It will be temporary as we plan to move out of the area ourselves next year, but it would give her a year to get her finances in order and save some money and hopefully find a roommate.

Yesterday I got a friend request from the mother on Facebook (which I almost never go on - I was alerted by e-mail) with a note that said “Before you get involved in our family situation you need to call me.” With her telephone number. My gut reaction is to ignore her. I really have nothing to say to this woman. I’ve never spoken with her before and I don’t think I need to now. I have no intention of involving myself in her “family situation,” I’m merely giving her child a safe place to stay. This is the woman who had 6 children, gave the first three up for adoption when they were 1 (twin boys) and 3 (boy) when she got divorced from the first husband because she couldn’t handle them and split up the twins, the 4th son from husband #2 is in jail, the girls are from husband #3 and she’s on husband #4.

So would you call her or ignore her?

Neither.

I would reach out to the twin and speak with her about the email you got from her mother.

Having her move in with you is going to come with baggage. It is up to you to be upfront about the living situation.

I am a "lay out all of your cards on the table" type of person.

 

[DipsyDoodles]

Neither.

I would reach out to the twin and speak with her about the email you got from her mother.

Having her move in with you is going to come with baggage. It is up to you to be upfront about the living situation.

I am a "lay out all of your cards on the table" type of person.

I agree with the above 100%.

 

[Aliceacc]

There are lots of things I would call her, but "a mother" isn't one of them.

Who kicks out their 18 year old kids and leaves them to fend for themselves??? Who doesn't call their kids for Christmas or birthdays? And she wants to speak to you "before" you get involved in their family situation?? Hasn't that ship already sailed????

You've been far more of a mother to these girls than the woman who gave birth to them. Go with your gut and ignore that woman.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd ignore the mother, block her on FB and ask the young woman that's going to move in with you what the deal is.

 

[Darcy03231]

Update:

Both young ladies came over last night (they're now 22). The pregnant twin is very upset at the thought of her sister being out on the street. She feels guilty that her sister is being thrown out "because of her."

The twin moving in is also a mess. "Mom" has convinced her that she's a failure at 22 because she "can't make it on her own." Mom doesn't want her moving in with us because "we don't like her (the mom)." Mom doesn't think that we're teaching our children to stand on their own two feet. She'd rather see her daughter in a homeless shelter than living with us. She at one point was crying and saying that she's really sorry, she knows she screwed up and should be able to make it on her own, but with her bills and what she makes she just can't. She asked to stay for a couple of months so she can pay off her bills and try to find someplace she can afford to live.

Evidently with the shared apartment situation she got stuck with bills of about $2500. Since March of this year she's paid that down to about $700. To me this is not an irresponsible young lady. She says she's learned her lesson about letting people take advantage of her and now knows who her friends really are.

I told them both about the Facebook message. Their mom wanted me to call so she could tell me that all the things the twins have told me about her aren't true. For the record they've rarely said anything about their mother. My opinions of her have been based on her actions. Even when they've said something it hasn't been said in a negative or complaining way. Just something factual.

DH and I decided that we want her to stay until we move and told her this. This way she can get her bills paid off (hopes to have that done by the end of next month) and save money so she has a nest egg when she moves out. She did this when she was here before and had quite a bit of money saved (both twins did) when they moved out, but needless to say that's gone now.

We also found out that the mom and step-dad are renting a 4 bedroom house (I was mistaken when I thought it was a two bedroom apartment). They want the pregnant twin to have the two upstairs bedrooms and bathroom so she can have a nursery - she's not due until September. Parents have the master bedroom downstairs and the other bedroom is the "dogs" room, which is why there's now no place for the other twin.

Thanks to everyone who responded. I have no intention of calling this woman or dealing with her in anyway.

 

[Darcy03231]

Neither.

I would reach out to the twin and speak with her about the email you got from her mother.

Having her move in with you is going to come with baggage. It is up to you to be upfront about the living situation.

I am a "lay out all of your cards on the table" type of person.

I know that it's not going to be all "sunshine and roses" as I've had her (and her sister) here before for two years. Overall, everything went really well but we did have some bumps in the road. Nothing huge, but there were some issues. I've also had some of the same issues with my own children. I recognize that and am prepared to deal with it. Some of the issues were between the two sisters and only having one of them this time around should alleviate that.

 

[Aliceacc]

If I were the pregnant twin, I would run as far and as fast as I could from that woman. I most certainly wouldn't let her anywhere near my child. Maybe I've read the news too often, but I would be very concerned about the security of my child in her home. SHe sounds like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen.

You're doing the right thing. And those two girls will spend the rest of their lives thanking God that you were in their lives when they most needed help.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Update:

Both young ladies came over last night (they're now 22). The pregnant twin is very upset at the thought of her sister being out on the street. She feels guilty that her sister is being thrown out "because of her."

The twin moving in is also a mess. "Mom" has convinced her that she's a failure at 22 because she "can't make it on her own." Mom doesn't want her moving in with us because "we don't like her (the mom)." Mom doesn't think that we're teaching our children to stand on their own two feet. She'd rather see her daughter in a homeless shelter than living with us. She at one point was crying and saying that she's really sorry, she knows she screwed up and should be able to make it on her own, but with her bills and what she makes she just can't. She asked to stay for a couple of months so she can pay off her bills and try to find someplace she can afford to live.

Evidently with the shared apartment situation she got stuck with bills of about $2500. Since March of this year she's paid that down to about $700. To me this is not an irresponsible young lady. She says she's learned her lesson about letting people take advantage of her and now knows who her friends really are.

I told them both about the Facebook message. Their mom wanted me to call so she could tell me that all the things the twins have told me about her aren't true. For the record they've rarely said anything about their mother. My opinions of her have been based on her actions. Even when they've said something it hasn't been said in a negative or complaining way. Just something factual.

DH and I decided that we want her to stay until we move and told her this. This way she can get her bills paid off (hopes to have that done by the end of next month) and save money so she has a nest egg when she moves out. She did this when she was here before and had quite a bit of money saved (both twins did) when they moved out, but needless to say that's gone now.

We also found out that the mom and step-dad are renting a 4 bedroom house (I was mistaken when I thought it was a two bedroom apartment). They want the pregnant twin to have the two upstairs bedrooms and bathroom so she can have a nursery - she's not due until September. Parents have the master bedroom downstairs and the other bedroom is the "dogs" room, which is why there's now no place for the other twin.

Thanks to everyone who responded. I have no intention of calling this woman or dealing with her in anyway.

Good update.

Just remember to be upfront with the twin with the living situation at all times.

Don't be freaked out when she is "close" with the parents and you are getting irritated and judgemental about it. It is going to happen so be prepared mentally for that.

She might go back and live with them even after all of this crap.

 

[Disney Doll]

You're nice people to do this for this kid.
She sounds like she needs a break and a little support from a couple of normal adults.

 

[dakcp2001]

They are very lucky to have you in their life. I do foresee the inevitable based on their (mom & stepdad) prior behavior - the pregnant twin ending up needing a place to live after the baby arrives. The plan for her to live with "mom" and I use the term loosely here, is not a good long term plan. Both girls need to start saving their pennies for the day when mom & dad kick out pregnant twin or twin plus baby. Then maybe the twins can be roomies and share expenses in their own apartment. The one living with you should have a good block of time to prepare.

I don't blame you at all for not contacting their so called mother. I'd avoid any contact with her at all. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. So the girls will want to plan for it when it comes.