WWYD. Goody my 1st WWYD

[bellebud]

I'd be so honored and I'd definitely do it, beaming with pride!

 

[NewRVLady]

Even if his Mom isn't at weddin get- will his other relatives be there?
Would they be offended by you playing the part of the Mom?
I guess it depends on why they threw the kid out and ignored him

 

[okeydokey]

When is the wedding? Things between the two boys may be different by then. I would be in the wedding as requested. This boy is a son to you.

 

[Skywalker]

If it were a very serious issue between them, I'd choose my kid hands down.

Just curious, what if "your kid" was dead wrong?

 

[MickeySP]

I'd be so honored and I'd definitely do it, beaming with pride!

Not beaming but personally proud that I help shape the man he has become. I have known since he was 11. Not the only kid we took in, my parents took in broken friends so I learned from the best.

Even if his Mom isn't at weddin get- will his other relatives be there?
Would they be offended by you playing the part of the Mom?
I guess it depends on why they threw the kid out and ignored him

They don't ignore him. He has a relationship with them albeit tense & aloof. It's more like pals.
He was thrown out because it was small house & he slept in what essentially a closed in porch. New husband wanted the space for his sports den aka man cave.

When is the wedding? Things between the two boys may be different by then. I would be in the wedding as requested. This boy is a son to you.

DING DING DING - we habe a winner. I am not taking this juvenile ridiculousness. I am planning a meet or sit down, intervention or come to Jesus meeting with the offended parties. Grow up, all of them. My belief is in the end all you have is family.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

ok, confession, I actually know what I'm doing. Heck, got married,had a baby, got divorced, bought a house & got recently engaged without DIS advice but I just wanna here perspective.

So I got a wedding invitation from a friend of my DS, he is more to me than that. We took him in for 6 year when his Mom's husband threw him out at 17. He stayed for through HS graduation, through trade school & I was present not his "parents" at both grads.

Problem - he and my DS are having a tiff. It is stupid to me, but to the young & dumb it seems to matter. He said something about DIL, my DS said something about his fiancée. None of which I know is true on either side.

Now dilemma, marrying guy wants me to essentially be mother of groom, aisle, dance, toast etc. My DS is being all - DON'T!!!! My DIL is acting 12, the fiancée is acting 16. They are all late 20s, one just 30.

Now WWYD?

I would tell son that I have taken all factors into consideration and decided to participate in XXX's wedding.

I would also say, I am sorry you are disappointed and angry with me and my decision however I hope that in time you can understand my position.

 

[MickeySP]

Even if his Mom isn't at weddin get- will his other relatives be there?
Would they be offended by you playing the part of the Mom?
I guess it depends on why they threw the kid out and ignored him

Also meant to say, really don't care if they get offended. When you dump your kid out for the new guy you lose your right to be offended. His father walked when he was a baby.

 

[NewRVLady]

They don't ignore him. He has a relationship with them albeit tense & aloof. It's more like pals.
He was thrown out because it was small house & he slept in what essentially a closed in porch. New husband wanted the space for his sports den aka man cave.
.

still the $65 Thousand dollar question is-
Will SHE be there?
I can NOT imagine the hurt she will feel if someone else is doing the Mom things.

nevermind.......you answered

there WILL be fireworks

 

[MickeySP]

still the $65 Thousand dollar question is-
Will SHE be there?
I can NOT imagine the hurt she will feel if someone else is doing the Mom things.

nevermind.......you answered

there WILL be fireworks

Honestly doubt fireworks, but I do love the 4th of July. It is about them, not her, same reason my DS needs to chillaxt.

 

[wenrob]

Just curious, what if "your kid" was dead wrong?

Who knows? There are about a million scenarios that could happen and there's never a 100% wrong or right in any given situation. If my kid was wrong in a very grievous way I'd let them know about it.

As presented this sounds like a petty argument and I'd tell my kid to suck it up, I'm going so get over it. But if they were truly hurt over something not so petty, I'm going to consider my kid first. These aren't siblings, they weren't raised together so *for me* that's what I would do. That's not to take away from the OP's experience, if she thinks of the friend as a son she might choose differently. The OP was "WWYD?" That's what I would do.

 

[cijay]

ok, confession, I actually know what I'm doing. Heck, got married,had a baby, got divorced, bought a house & got recently engaged without DIS advice but I just wanna here perspective.

So I got a wedding invitation from a friend of my DS, he is more to me than that. We took him in for 6 year when his Mom's husband threw him out at 17. He stayed for through HS graduation, through trade school & I was present not his "parents" at both grads.

Problem - he and my DS are having a tiff. It is stupid to me, but to the young & dumb it seems to matter. He said something about DIL, my DS said something about his fiancée. None of which I know is true on either side.

Now dilemma, marrying guy wants me to essentially be mother of groom, aisle, dance, toast etc. My DS is being all - DON'T!!!! My DIL is acting 12, the fiancée is acting 16. They are all late 20s, one just 30.

Now WWYD?

I would do what the groom is asking you to do. It has nothing to do with the rest of them. Even if they do get stinky over it for awhile, they'll get over it.

 

[LJSquishy]

It's quite an honor to be asked to perform the duties that the actual mother would typically participate in...I would agree to everything and leave your son out of it -- this is really between you and the honorary son. You clearly had a huge impact on his life in a positive way so I would step up and be a part of this happy time. Your son should grow up (so should the other guy).

 

[littleblackegg]

Oh. I'd stay out of that. I'd just go to the wedding and refuse to participate in the foolishness. I'd agree to participate, but I'd keep referring those calls and other dramatic interactions back to the participants. It sounds like you are a "fixer." One of the drawbacks of being the family fixer is always being dragged into the middle of conflicts and having a difficult time setting boundaries. Let them handle it, and you get to go to the wedding and stand up in a parental role. A great honor! I wish you luck. I have a family full of dramatic reality TV types, but they were all on notice for my wedding, and I did not care if they thought less of me for it. I expected everyone to behave well and keep civil tongues in their heads, and my Disney wedding coordinator hired extra security in case we needed it. I invited some of these people out of respect to my mother, but I was going to quietly make sure everybody behaved. When it is clear nobody is going to provide a fertile environment for drama, the drama creators tend to leave early.

 

[NewRVLady]

Problem - he and my DS are having a tiff. It is stupid to me, but to the young & dumb it seems to matter. He said something about DIL, my DS said something about his fiancée. None of which I know is true on either side.

?

Honestly No one knows all the details of every thing that goes on between people-even THIS situation. To you it is stupid....it may NOT be "stupid" to them.

One of my brothers and his wife are not invited to my son's wedding. My son does not want her there. and neither do I.
If I tried to explain what happened most would think it silly. and it is. His wife has turned a trivial "non event" into this big melodrama thing. And in me trying to make amends-she further dissed my deceased Mother, twisting events into things that are only in her imagination. But its not just that-its a series of idiotic things she has done previously.

 

[MSLRAC]

still the $65 Thousand dollar question is-
Will SHE be there?
I can NOT imagine the hurt she will feel if someone else is doing the Mom things.

nevermind.......you answered

there WILL be fireworks

I personally wouldn't care how she feels since she threw her son out of her house as a minor to make room for her new man. Imagine how her son felt and where he would be now if it wasn't for the OP. OP, I'd do it and if you son has any issues I'd tell him that you support and care for the other boy unconditionally just like you do him and that you will be there to support him during this next journey in his life.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I wonder if his mom is even invited

 

[Wishing on a star]

At first I would say, this young man specifically asks you to do this, and to take a personal part in his wedding, no brainer... I can tell that you are close to this guy, so my first thought was, yes, I would do it.

But, then I started thinking. There is always more to these things than 'a little TIFF'.
There are probably some underlying issues.
Did all of this start before, or after, you got the invite.
Could your son somehow, in some way, be feeling slighted because of how vested you are in this other young man?
Feelings are not always rational!!!
But, everyone does have a right to their feelings. And usually, I think, they should be a addressed.

WHY is your DS emphatic about telling you, DON'T do it.

PS: I would have no problem at all if he were to say, "I wish you would not do this, because.... etc..."
But, just personally, I don't like feeling like I am being ordered around.

 

[gotomu212]

How incredibly sad that a mother kicked her 17 year old son out of her house and then ignored his high school graduation and the next 6 years of his life. This poor young man now doesn't feel like he'll have a parent representing him at his wedding and has asked you to stand in.

On the other side your son is mad (maybe rightly) at him and wants to deprive him of having a caring adult in the parent role at his wedding (for most people one of those most significant days of their lives). I think even if your son is completely justified in his argument, his punishment of the friend is going way too far. Plus he's trying to drag you into the middle of it.

These are adults in their 20s and you say they are all acting like teens. I think this is a great opportunity for you to model mature adult behavior and grace and forgiveness and refuse to make their argument into a family blood feud.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Our son was divorced when both his kids were young. (He cheated then walked out on them.) His former mother-in-law passed away and we helped our former dtr-in-law plan the funeral. I spent hours altering a funeral suit for our DGS who was about 8 at the time. Our son was not invited to the funeral -- former dtr-in-law specifically told him to stay away, so our son "requested" that we not attend either, to show our support of him. DH said no, our grand kids needed our support, so we went to the funeral.

Our children don't always make wise decisions, and sometimes we as parents need to decide for ourselves, even when it means we don't go along with what our children want.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wenrob, a man standing up for his wife is telling this friend that this was inappropriate, and if his wife were not comfortable, or welcoome, attending the wedding, then he would also, with his wife, not be attending the wedding. Extending this to the son telling other people, his mom, what she can't do... that goes far far far beyond.

I will repeat that I think there are some real underlying issues here.

The OP seems to have strong feelings about this. I am thinking that she thinks she can get these two guys together.
In reality, it might not be that simple.

Given all the issues between the guys, one of which is her biological son..., and in addition, the possibilities regarding the grooms biological family, etc... I feel that the OP can, and should, attend the wedding and really be-there in many ways, without actually stepping into the role as his mother. I think she should think more than twice and proceed VERY VERY VERY carefully.