Would your feelings be hurt?

[Stacy9402]

Well, it's hard to say if my feelings would have been hurt. But if your feelings are hurt, then your feelings are valid.

What I see in your post is that you and your husband have VERY different ideas about anniversaries. Some people want a lot of flourish on wedding anniversaries and some people think getting all fussy on a specific day on the calendar is a little weird. Neither person is wrong.

A few things need to happen here. First, you need to figure out if your husband treats you well on the other 364 days of the year. Do you feel loved and cherished and happy in your marriage? If so, then maybe you need to realize that he's not going to be the guy who is going to make big plans on this day.

Or, you can tell your husband that anniversaries on the EXACT day are very important to you and it bothers you when he doesn't recognize it. It wouldn't be hard for him to try to make a special effort every year either.

You just need to figure out how you're going to communicate over this and get it out in the open rather than walk around feeling hurt.

I swear this is one of those things that needs to be addressed in pre-marriage counseling. People who require romance and attention on specific days should NOT marry people who find that stuff difficult to do and vice versa. It gets to be a real sore spot.

Usually I am ok with whatever and get over it very quickly. But we had been talking for at least 3 years about our 10th. That was when we was going to do something big - not just go out to eat. We both know that our daughters birthday does make it hard as we want to celebrate with her especially since she just turned 6.

But he knew what I wanted as I even reminded him couple weeks before of what I expected. But I think I am more hurt over the fact that he didn't even get me flowers or anything.

My birthday is this weekend and I do not expect anything from him as I haven't told him anything I wanted. Because if you do not tell him what you want then 99% of the time you do not get anything. Which is fine because if I truly want something - I can just go get it.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

My feelings wouldn't really be hurt. I know that my DH is not psychic. I tell him what I want to do for our anniversary and he pays for it. It works for us.

Your problem here is that you expected something of your husband but you never told him. And now he is trying to make it up to you but you don't like that either. What is going to make you happy? Figure that out and then tell him what he can do to fix it.

I had to smile when I saw your post because it took me a loooong, looong time and many hurt feelings to realize my husband was not psychic! The romantic in me just assumed he'd know what I needed /wanted and make it happen, but he was flat out clueless, even when I dropped not so subtle hints. Finally I got it! We are wired differently. I need love shown to me in a different way than my husband needs it shown to him. So I stopped beating around the bush and just started telling him what I needed. I am a lot happier and feel much more loved now that my husband knows what makes me happy.

 

[sksjasams]

I can understand your feelings being hurt, and my feelings have been hurt in the past too. But like these many PPs, I adjust my expectations and/or tell him what I would like.

My advice is to try to adjust your thinking and your attitude before your trip to NYC. This could be the little getaway you have been wanting! It all depends on if you are able to move past your hurt feelings and make a conscious decision to let it go and just enjoy your time together. Accept his peace offering of a trip to celebrate a belated anniversary and have fun!

 

[Jennasis]

Some people (men and women) don't "get" hints, or subtlety or take initiative. If YOU want something then TELL them. YOU plan it. After 10 years you must know your DH well enough to know where his shortcomings are in this regard.

That said, your feelings are valid.

 

[Christine]

Usually I am ok with whatever and get over it very quickly. But we had been talking for at least 3 years about our 10th. That was when we was going to do something big - not just go out to eat. We both know that our daughters birthday does make it hard as we want to celebrate with her especially since she just turned 6.

But he knew what I wanted as I even reminded him couple weeks before of what I expected. But I think I am more hurt over the fact that he didn't even get me flowers or anything.

My birthday is this weekend and I do not expect anything from him as I haven't told him anything I wanted. Because if you do not tell him what you want then 99% of the time you do not get anything. Which is fine because if I truly want something - I can just go get it.

Well, I am sorry that it sort of flopped. I guess I would be hurt since you all talked about it and it seemed that there was an understanding.

At this point, I would try to let go of the hurt feelings and actually GO on the trip that he is planning. I don't like to take the position that men are dummies and they need help to figure stuff out--that's just baloney; however, he is trying--even if it's after the fact. No need to slap him down when he's now making an effort. Go with it. And while you're on that trip, have a real heart-to-heart with him about this stuff. Tell him how important it is to you. Also make sure that you listen to him. If he finds this sort of stuff annoying and not enjoyable, then be prepared to accept that about him. Honestly, there's nothing worse (to me) than a forced gift or acknowlegement. If you marriage is happy otherwise, let it go if you can.

 

[crayon3448]

Well, it's hard to say if my feelings would have been hurt. But if your feelings are hurt, then your feelings are valid.

I agree with this.

Every relationship is different. My feelings would not be hurt because I know in our relationship- I am the planner. Sure, sometimes it would be nice to have him think of something to do, but I can't get mad that he doesn't because I knew he was like that before I married him.

It's our 5 year anniversary this year. I asked him (jokingly) "Are you gonna surprise me with a trip to Disney?" and he said (also jokingly) "No, I knew you wouldn't want a surprise trip because you love to plan everything, so I wouldn't want to take that away from you."

 

[nancygirl1]

After reading your second post...yes, I would be hurt. Obviously you didn't keep your expectations to yourself. I'm sorry that things happened that way.

We never celebrate except giving each other a card and occasionally I get flowers. Nothing big...

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I wouldn't have been hurt. But we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this year and all we did was go out to Chili's. Which I do like so I was fine with that.

And more than once we've had relatives visiting around that time of year so we could have traveled someplace for a night or 2 but it would never have occurred to my husband to suggest that. But then he's hard to travel with so I may not have enjoyed myself anyways.

There is an old saying if you want something done right, do it yourself. That applies to me definitely and it sounds like it may apply to you as well.

If you want to do something nice for your anniversary, you need to plan it yourself.

Since you are hurt, you need to sit down and explain to him why. Congrats on 10 years and enjoy NYC.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I'd be pissed! You have every right to be hurt.

Most men i've encountered are as clueless as your dh. I wanna know why? Why are men so dense with these things? How hard is it to get in your car, drive to the store, pick up a bouquet of flowers with a card, and give it to your wife! What goes thru their minds when they decide not to do anything special? "oh im sure my wife doesnt give a crap about our anniversary. I'll just not do anything, maybe she wont notice". Ok granted, some women dont care for gifts. In that case, get a card and make your wife a nice romantic dinner at home. Thats something i would prefer than to go out to a restaurant.

For the record, I realise not all men are like this, blah blah blah. Im sure every man on dis will claim to be the nice romantic guy.

 

[cobright]

I get into a lot of trouble forgetting things, I get distracted easily and I own that about myself. It's the cavalier attitude following the day that stood out for me.

What's on his mind? Is his job going okay? Someone in his family sick? Is he secretly a big-time drug kingpin?

He obviously feels pretty secure in his relationship, other wise as the saying goes: Treat her right, or someone else will.

 

[goofyintoronto]

i would of ordered myself flowers if that is what i wanted for my 10th! Men are not mind readers, we have to communicate to them in words what we want and how we feel to get through to them.

Thats the thing thou. The wife has to tell her husband that she wants a gift? I find that silly. For example: my exh never told me he wanted a gift from me but i give him one anyway. You shouldnt have to ask. For a 10 yr anniversary, a person you've been married to for 10 freakin years shouldnt have to ask to do something special. It doesnt even need to involve gifts. A nice romantic dinner at home would be nice. Anything that shows he put some thought into it and that he cares.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, in my book, that is not 'okay'.

And, at this point, you have probably enabled him, and gone along, and let him think it is okay to be thoughtless and disrespectful and 'do nothing'. You do not seem to have been very direct about "Where should we make reservations for our anniversary while grandma can stay with the kids..." NOTE: not 'if', or 'when', but 'where'. By saying nothing, you enabled him to do nothing.

IMHO, being born with a certain gender gives one NO excuses.

If you just go along with HIS desire to go to NYC, and pass that off as something that shows you that he respects you and thinks you are special. If he doesn't have to say, or do, anything, that let's you know that he loves you and is glad to celebrate ten years of marriage... This will just continue.

I would do a bit of research, find the most wonderful NYC restaurant, or whatever it is that would make YOU happy... and make the arrangements...

I would also hand my husband a paper with the name of the hotel front desk / concierge... and tell him "This is the number to call and request wine/champagne or flowers or whatever, for your room.

Yes, let's just say that some men can be 'clueless'....
But, like others are saying... If you go ahead and agree to help make arrangements (which you obviously didn't for your anniversary evening... just left everything hanging...) and if you let him know exactly what you feel would be nice... and he still makes no effort... Well, sometimes you have to hand a man enough rope, and see what the outcome is going to be.

PS: Been there, done that, with my husband.
OMG, the different reasons that we have just been unable to do anything much, if anything at all, on our anniversary over the years.

But, having said that, I know that If he even THINKS he can get off the hook, he will....

We are now making plans for our TWENTY-FIFTH anniversary...
We had seen an incredible special at an incredible, five-star, adults only, all inclusive, resort. It is booked...

Now, the time-frame on this special does not happen to fall ON our 25th... So, I agree to a point, that sometimes the exact date does not matter. When my husband mentioned something about the dates, I told him in very specific and very careful words... "THIS IS OUR ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION... SO, IF THERE IS ACTUALLY ANYTHING THAT YOU WANT TO SAY OR WANT TO DO (romantic card, flowers, special words, romantic private dinner, etc...) THEN YOU NEED TO DO IT."

You just can't leave it hanging out there for the 'excuses', the 'one day', or whatever else....

Sometimes, a spouse just must come as first priority.

 

[mjkacmom]

Usually I am ok with whatever and get over it very quickly. But we had been talking for at least 3 years about our 10th. That was when we was going to do something big - not just go out to eat. We both know that our daughters birthday does make it hard as we want to celebrate with her especially since she just turned 6.

But he knew what I wanted as I even reminded him couple weeks before of what I expected. But I think I am more hurt over the fact that he didn't even get me flowers or anything.

My birthday is this weekend and I do not expect anything from him as I haven't told him anything I wanted. Because if you do not tell him what you want then 99% of the time you do not get anything. Which is fine because if I truly want something - I can just go get it.

Did you tell him you wanted flowers and a card? I know that if it's important to me, I have to be VERY clear. I do get how you feel - I used to feel the same way. Did you think he had a surprise trip planned? Maybe he thought the NYC trip (even though not on your actual anniversary) was the trip you wanted?

When you told him what you expected, were you crystal clear? With my DH, I have to say "please make reservations at this restaurant on this day at this time," and I've learned I have to make sure he does it in advance (once I asked him on a Wednesday what time our reservations were, at a popular restaurant, on Friday, and he was like "oh, I didn't make them yet."). Of course, we didn't end up eating there!

 

[Wishing on a star]

thats the thing thou. The wife has to tell her husband that she wants a gift? I find that silly. For example: My exh never told me he wanted a gift from me but i give him one anyway. You shouldnt have to ask. For a 10 yr anniversary, a person you've been married to for 10 freakin years shouldnt have to ask to do something special. It doesnt even need to involve gifts. A nice romantic dinner at home would be nice. Anything that shows he put some thought into it and that he cares.

amen!!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

once I asked him on a Wednesday what time our reservations were, at a popular restaurant, on Friday, and he was like "oh, I didn't make them yet."). Of course, we didn't end up eating there!

Ummmm, I believe that is called being passive-aggressive...
If I had given him that much rope... He would have just hanged himself right then and there!!!!

 

[mjkacmom]

Thats the thing thou. The wife has to tell her husband that she wants a gift? I find that silly. For example: my exh never told me he wanted a gift from me but i give him one anyway. You shouldnt have to ask. For a 10 yr anniversary, a person you've been married to for 10 freakin years shouldnt have to ask to do something special. It doesnt even need to involve gifts. A nice romantic dinner at home would be nice. Anything that shows he put some thought into it and that he cares.

I disagree (and have been happily married for a while). Don't sweat the small stuff. I think most married women can agree that a lot of men are just like this. It's very hard to change someone, much easier to change your expectations. If he is a good man otherwise, this shouldn't be that important.

 

[cobright]

I wanna know why? Why are men so dense with these things? How hard is it to get in your car, drive to the store, pick up a bouquet of flowers with a card, and give it to your wife! What goes thru their minds when they decide not to do anything special?

It is pure ego centrism. Men and women (generally speaking) are differently motivated yet each will often assume that the other will enjoy the same kinds of things that they themselves prefer.

I bought my wife a hair dryer for her birthday once. Nicest flapping hairdryer you ever saw. I know she needed one because three days earlier she said, "Man I could use a new hair dryer." Doghouse for me, not supposed to buy her gifts with a cord. By the same token, my wife still buys me flowers, despite me telling her I have no use for them and would prefer a book or a roll of solder, or Italian sausages with onions and peppers (I'm not hard to please).

You end up doing for the other what you would like done for yourself because you assume that the things you like are worthwhile (why else would you like them).

For the record, I realise not all men are like this, blah blah blah. Im sure every man on dis will claim to be the nice romantic guy.

Not romantic. But even in the absence of romance a husband can be thoughtful. Sometimes there is even some overlap. The last romantic thing I did was find a pair of earplugs for my wife when we went to see Ironman 3 (her choice of movie). She has sensitive ears and movies are always too loud. Whodathunk?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I suppose I just don't see a man who can't acknowledge his wife on a major anniversary as a 'good man'.

 

[mjkacmom]

Ummmm, I believe that is called being passive-aggresive...
If I had given him that much rope... He would have just hanged himself right then and there!!!!

How? Me expecting him to make dinner plans, without any guidance, would pretty much set him up for failure. The fact that I picked the restaurant, time, and date, and just asking him to make reservations, was not asking a lot. However, I did learn that I need to tell him when to make the actual phone call! I don't think I gave him that much rope!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I bought my wife a hair dryer for her birthday once. Nicest flapping hairdryer you ever saw.

At least you did SOMETHING!!!!!

NOTE: no, anything with an electrical cord, and emotional intimacy, do NOT go together...

But, you seem to be learning!!!