Would you push the button?

[clutter]

 

[Cogswel_Cogs]

The reality is not every parent is in the right. We don't normally think it's a good thing for a child to run around creating a mess in a store, or a child to scream and scream and scream. I understand what you're meaning insomuch of giving some latitude towards whatever is going on and in real life most of us probably do this. But there's a line too where you can objectively see the parent isn't helping the child overcome, they are enabling the child. There's isn't one way in this elevator case for the parent to do. Another thing the parent could have done was seen that they were not alone in waiting for the elevator and stepped back to allow others to go on.

My cousin's child has a cognitive disorder due to a brain damage caused by a high fever. Mentally and emotionally she's several years younger than her physical age. Right now she's 21 but she isn't mentally that age. She gets latitude towards things, especially during the times when they've needed to adjust her medication. But she doesn't get to throw tantrums, even when she was quite young. One Christmas she was particularly agitated. As a consequence her, her brother, her father, and her mother did not come. My grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary (when she mentally would have been about 5 or 6) they left early because she couldn't handle it. She is very sensitive to people's emotions and that is the one part that has caused slight tension within our family. When my grandfather passed away in 2009 it meant grieving for my grandfather was difficult because I cried she cried and I emotionally didn't want her to feel that but I wished I hadn't done that because it stunted my ability to grieve. She was attached to my hip at that time and had her head on my lap during the whole wake, anytime I started to get emotional she flared up. In 2019 my mom was pressured to remove her thoughts on FB about her mom (my grandmother) entering hospice because my cousin's child saw it and broke down. My mom pushed back on that one and I was happy she did because that is an unfair request and an inappropriate one at that. My cousin's child has a difficulty in dealing with death and illness (even when it's someone far removed from her) but there is a point where that shouldn't become everyone's burden too.

In the OP's situation we're not really in that deep with this 2 year old in the elevator but in the grander scheme there's been a lot of times where you can see the parents are letting their kids run the show in an unproductive way. There's being sensitive and polite in the situation though so no need to be rude about it.

Up to I had my youngest I felt tis way exactly. Now having suffered through the things we did as a family, I have a different opinion now, and though I do think under many circumstances the parents are at fault, in knowing that I cannot tell the difference, I lean the other way now.
It is so hard dealing with a child with such conditions, and the effects that outside forces will have on ruining that kids enjoyment for the whole day/trip, I just side on the rather overlook than cause possible harm. People staring/glarring at my daughter would really effect her for long periods of time.
Luckily she is doing great now, but it was hard hard work to get her to the wonderful state she is know. And it was often setback by situations. Her first psychiatrist was amazed that low level of medication never plateaued and now she is medication free. She knows she has anxiety but she knows with the strength she has built as well as our and others help she can deal with it. Halfway through college I could not be prouder of her.
But like I said knowing, I cannot tell the difference from her outbursts and those of a possible bratty kid, I choose to do everything to help parent and not worsen kids mood.

 

[JFox]

... When you say you "motioned to push the button" do you mean like you reached out to push the 4 and the kid started screaming?...

The first delay was outside the elevator, before we even got in. The second delay was inside the elevator. Since the capacity is limited to 1 party or 4 people it was just them and us. My motion to select level 4 prompted the father's comment and the screaming.

I feel like I waited an appropriate amount of time before I made my decision. Since the car was not moving the door kept opening and closing waiting for direction. I'm sure the guests on the outside were wondering why we weren't moving. Nor could they call another elevator if there were what seemed like an open one available on the floor.

 

[LSUmiss]

You think a 2 year old can't learn? I have seen many well behaved young children. Sure every child has there moments. But the main factor here is the child was givin the chance to hit the button for a decent amount of time and didn't. It's up the parents to than handle it.

Yes a 2 yr old can learn, but all these ppl saying he needs a life lesson are ridiculous. Don’t think he’ll recall the time the lady/man in the elevator didn’t let him push an elevator button as a turning point in his life . Pushing the button is fine since it been so much time. The parent should have hurried the process. What’s absurd to me is the disdain ppl seem to have for this baby. Kindness goes a long way.

 

[Meglen]

Yes a 2 yr old can learn, but all these ppl saying he needs a life lesson are ridiculous. Don’t think he’ll recall the time the lady/man in the elevator didn’t let him push an elevator button as a turning point in his life . Pushing the button is fine since it been so much time. The parent should have hurried the process. What’s absurd to me is the disdain ppl seem to have for this baby. Kindness goes a long way.

I haven't seen much "disdain" more like, if this is the regular behavior which the dad makes it seem it is.. than they also don't take the child away to calm them down and let them scream in the eating area... That gives me red flags on how the child's raised. When my child is having a tantrum I would remove my family and try to remedy the situation or sit outside and try to calm them down. Just to just sit and let them scream... Idk just dosnt seem right to me.

I don't think anyone here is criticizing the child he's 2. More on how the parent handled the situation. And it's not on strangers to teach lessons or handle another person's child. Life is going to move on I can't worry about other people's family's when it comes to crying children I had my own and did my time of missing things to handle. If I have to wait around a min for a crying child to push a button.. and the parent does nothing than I will push is and not think twice about the child's reaction.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Up to I had my youngest I felt tis way exactly. Now having suffered through the things we did as a family, I have a different opinion now, and though I do think under many circumstances the parents are at fault, in knowing that I cannot tell the difference, I lean the other way now.
It is so hard dealing with a child with such conditions, and the effects that outside forces will have on ruining that kids enjoyment for the whole day/trip, I just side on the rather overlook than cause possible harm. People staring/glarring at my daughter would really effect her for long periods of time.
Luckily she is doing great now, but it was hard hard work to get her to the wonderful state she is know. And it was often setback by situations. Her first psychiatrist was amazed that low level of medication never plateaued and now she is medication free. She knows she has anxiety but she knows with the strength she has built as well as our and others help she can deal with it. Halfway through college I could not be prouder of her.
But like I said knowing, I cannot tell the difference from her outbursts and those of a possible bratty kid, I choose to do everything to help parent and not worsen kids mood.

I understand but that's also why I shared in my family's experience. I also have an autistic aunt although age wise she is the eldest out of everyone. I can be both sympathetic, empathetic and yet not only see one side. I have been around my cousin's child for 21 years, I have been around my aunt for 33 years. Other posters also have shared their family's situations with behavioral disorders (including parents of autistic children).

I would guess that most people when it comes to interactions in general with situations like the OP would try to error on the side of polite to a point before choosing another course (in this case most people eventually pushing the button) irrespective of trying to come up with all the reasons why the child may have a meltdown. And I think that's more fair than trying the route of just about any cost to let the parent do whatever because of a perceived connection to what that parent may be going through. Not every parent who is going through that will choose to let their child have that meltdown when they don't get their way (which several posters have discussed that, I shared about my family as well). I guess in a nutshell sometimes we make excuses for situations that don't call for that and not every situation calls for the excuse of "they have....." so I let them....

I do respect your outlook though didn't want you to think that I don't

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Covid isn't over. Are people really standing around in elevators with strangers waiting on someone to push the button?

I avoid elevators right now. Of course, I avoid elevators even when there isn't a pandemic.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Parenting issue. I would have pushed the button. I am the mom to three kids, my 23 year old is a child with special needs. We prepare him to live in the world, we are not preparing the world to live with him. Immaturity, excitement, disability etc whatever the REASON is for the child’s behavior the parents have chosen to EXCUSE it instead. Nope. If you bring your child into a situation where they MUST have their way otherwise all hell breaks loose then that is on you for not controlling the environment better.

 

[crazymomof4]

4 kids, now adults. Put me in the “you need to push the button now or I’m going to push it” camp. Knowing kids like to push the buttons, I think that's reasonable and fair. Beyond that... like standing there, just waiting for the kid to do it when HE wants to do it. No, I don't think that's reasonable. I can't imagine that I ever let my kids dictate a situation like that, where others are involved.
But I was also the type who took my babies OUT of restaurants, church, etc if the baby started fussing , so as not to disturb others around us. My kid, so I'm the one who gets inconvenienced. Not others! When they got older, no running around a restaurant, bumping into the chairs of others dining and servers carrying food... nope! I just went off of how I was raised. Parents drilled it in me to be respectful of others. Guess I'm old school. But, I never stressed about taking all four out to stores, restaurants, church, movies, etc. It was really a pleasure having them with us everywhere we went. Not a struggle like I see with many parents of young children in public. That's the benefit of setting boundaries early and being consistent with enforcing them. It's work upfront, but then it makes it easier in the long-haul.

(None of my kids had special needs. I won't even pretend to know what being a parent to a special needs kid is like.)

 

[crazymomof4]

Parenting issue. I would have pushed the button. I am the mom to three kids, my 23 year old is a child with special needs. We prepare him to live in the world, we are not preparing the world to live with him. Immaturity, excitement, disability etc whatever the REASON is for the child’s behavior the parents have chosen to EXCUSE it instead. Nope. If you bring your child into a situation where they MUST have their way otherwise all hell breaks loose then that is on you for not controlling the environment better.

Kudos to you! A parent who was thinking ahead and working toward a goal that was in the best interests of her child, long-term.

 

[Cogswel_Cogs]

I understand but that's also why I shared in my family's experience. I also have an autistic aunt although age wise she is the eldest out of everyone. I can be both sympathetic, empathetic and yet not only see one side. I have been around my cousin's child for 21 years, I have been around my aunt for 33 years. Other posters also have shared their family's situations with behavioral disorders (including parents of autistic children).

I would guess that most people when it comes to interactions in general with situations like the OP would try to error on the side of polite to a point before choosing another course (in this case most people eventually pushing the button) irrespective of trying to come up with all the reasons why the child may have a meltdown. And I think that's more fair than trying the route of just about any cost to let the parent do whatever because of a perceived connection to what that parent may be going through. Not every parent who is going through that will choose to let their child have that meltdown when they don't get their way (which several posters have discussed that, I shared about my family as well). I guess in a nutshell sometimes we make excuses for situations that don't call for that and not every situation calls for the excuse of "they have....." so I let them....

I do respect your outlook though didn't want you to think that I don't

I am not saying you or anyone else's decision is improper in any way. Or that you or anyone else is not an understanding person. I was just saying what I do and why, and its really cause I cannot tell the difference between a brat and a kid who has no control over it.

 

[aggiedog]

This could be posted on Reddit under "AITA" forum.

I'd've pushed it. On one of my better days, I would have given the kid a short time to do it himself, then pushed it if it didn't happen. On my not-so-better days, I would have smiled and pushed it right away. I'm not one to let a 2yo dictate my actions, especially one that isn't even my own kid.

 

[mrs. magoo]

As the parent of a child on the Autism Spectrum and a teacher of Autism students, there are many ways this could have been handled. I actually lost my ASD kiddo in the contemporary for about 5 minutes - had to call in security. It was a nightmare but anyway. When we got on the elevator my expectation for her would have been you need to press the button now or I will. She would have known the expectation before we entered the elevator and if she did not press the button I would have. We actually used the stairs most of the time when she was little due to a fear of escalators and elevators. She is now 20 and is finishing her 2nd year of college. I am not going to lie we still have issues and she still struggles with social situations but we have come so far.

 

[rlk]

I have raised two boys in a 32-story apartment building that has three elevator banks. I've seen my share of elevator meltdowns, including some with my own child. My oldest has sensory issues and had his share of meltdowns due to overload. Most residents are understanding as are most parents who do not want to inconvenience anyone in the elevator. Pre-Covid, when elevators were crowded and we didn't have up to 5-10 minute waits for a free elevator, people had more patience. Now, with a two-person limit, people are not as willing to wait an extra minute to reach their destination.

 

[Mysterian]

I would have allowed time for the child to push the button, before pushing it myself after he missed his chance .
Once the kid has displayed some Caillou-like behaviors which triggers my "I don't want to die from human bites today" spider-sense, then rules have changed. Then I'd use an object like an umbrella or a pen to push the button.

Make sure your shoes have good traction, because once the child's teeth are grappled onto the back of your neck or arm, you're going to want to run immediately once that door opens and begin bucking like a bronco.

 

[Darcy03231]

I would have pushed the button.

 

[disykat]

Where is the distain or criticism? No one is saying it's not perfectly normal for a child to have a tantrum over this. Most of us are not trying to make assumptions about whether the child has special needs. I would certainly hope most of us don't go around trying to ascertain whether someone in an elevator might have special needs before doing something as minor as pushing an elevator button.

The question was would we push the button. We're simply saying why we would. That doesn't mean we're trying to teach the child/parent anything or judge them. We're just living our lives. I'd guess most of us would literally give our lives trying to protect a stranger's child if they were say, about to fall into an elevator shaft. However, it's not our job to protect them from the simple life situation of not being able to push the button because they were throwing a fit. The parent will take care of that.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I'd guess most of us would literally give our lives trying to protect a stranger's child if they were say, about to fall into an elevator shaft.

You should make that a poll.

 

[dez1978]

I so would have pushed the button. I can’t stand when parents let their kids meltdown in public. Would have been a good lesson for the kid. One he probably isn’t getting at home.

lol I've never LET my child have a meltdown in public. There have been about 1 million meltdowns in public but never one I LET my kid have. A child having a meltdown is perfectly normal behavior and doesn't always equal lax parenting. Are there some parents who just let their kids do whatever? Sure. But believe me, if my kid is having a full on meltdown, I have used every tool at my disposal to try to prevent it.

Tho I suppose in this circumstance, maybe "let them have a meltdown" is the appropriate term. Bc if it was my kid I'd have said look buddy if you want to push the button heres your chance and if he didn't do it then too bad for him. A meltdown probably would have occurred, and he'd have missed his chance to push the button and probably whatever else we were on our way to do. Sometimes meltdowns or tantrums happen when they are learning a tough lesson. This is the crappy part of parenting. No matter what you do, someone thinks its wrong. If I try to keep my kid from throwing a fit in public by letting him push a button someone will think oh she doesn't discipline him enough. However, if I discipline my kid in public and a tantrum results because he lost something then people say I hate when kids throw tantrums in public.

 

[aggiedog]

lol I've never LET my child have a meltdown in public. There have been about 1 million meltdowns in public but never one I LET my kid have. A child having a meltdown is perfectly normal behavior and doesn't always equal lax parenting. Are there some parents who just let their kids do whatever? Sure. But believe me, if my kid is having a full on meltdown, I have used every tool at my disposal to try to prevent it.

My ds was adopted at 21 mos. He spent a year screaming. He had a full on melt down at Mt Vernon for no reason, and I had to carry him, sack of potatoes style over my shoulder, down the approximately 100 people lined up down the driveway to get into the big house on my way to the car. Boy did I get the gamut of looks from them, from understanding to disdain. Didn't bother me, because truly there was nothing I was going to be able to do to make it go away other than give him time. Sometimes, melt downs happen.

He's 15 and hardly ever screams now. LOL