Worried

[tigercat]

A little background. We have 3 children who are all in their mid to late 30's. We have 5 grandkids. 2 from 2nd dd (almost 21 and 16 yrs old) and 3 from 1st dd (2 dd's 9 and almost 5 and a ds 7), 3rd kid (ds) is not married or has kids and lives with us.

I have looked after all grandkids while their parents work. The older 2 until the youngest was 10. I still look after the other 3 when school is out.

My 2nd dd had her 1st dd when whe was only 17 and she lived at home for a couple of years until she met and married her now dh. She had no problems with me as long as I was looking after her kids. When the kids were old enough to stay by themselves that was the end of things. All of a sudden I was a horrible person who had done so many bad things to her. She started to tell my family (siblings) tall tales about things that never happened. And when she did something that would look bad on her she managed to turn it around as if it was my fault. She has always had her favourite child the 2nd dd and the 1st dd was treated horribly. When she turned 18 she threw her dd out of the house and she is now living with us.

My dd works for my db and my dsil and have told so many stories and they believe her. For instance when she threw her dd out she told my family that she really wanted her dd back but I was refusing to let her see her dd or speak to her. At the time I was suffering from 2nd and 3rd degree burns to the entire top of my leg. I wasn't in any shape to do anything like run to the door and refuse to let her in. It would have taken me at least 10 min. to get to the door.

This has been going on now for almost 6 yrs and is getting worse. I stay away from things, don't react to my db and dsil anymore as it really doesn't matter what I say. I haven't spoken to my dd for over a year as she made it quite clear she didn't want anything to do with me.

Now the problem. My dh doesn't see any of this and she never says anything in front of him. Even though my other dd and my dgrdd tell him he doesn't belive it. It is his 65th birthday in April and I thought it would be nice to have a little party with just a few friends. My oldest dd might be coming as well with her dh. My dh told me to invite my other dd. If she comes my ds will not come for sure as he was physically abused by her when he was younger. It will be very hard for my oldest dd, my dgrdd who lives here as well as me. I am all for trying to keep a family together but it is better if we are not in the same place at the same time as everything I do is information for her to turn around. I am so worried about opening my mouth at all, or doing something that she can make into something really horrible. I just wish that my dh had my back sometimes but I know that it will never happen. I am not sure what is going to happen or if she is invited if she would even come but the stress of it now is making my stomach hurt. I just wish this had never come up.
tigercat

 

[disneydee6]

Firstly, I am so sorry there is so much heartache in the family. This is tough for anyone involved.



I've never been in a situation like this, so feel free to ignore my advice here lol, My only thought here is being honest with dh perhaps. Let him know that if your 2nd dd does come, that she throws a wrench into the whole evening and that your other two children and your dgd may not attend or will be unhappy with her there and that all you will do is worry while she attends. It can't be easy with everyone so divided, but it is the reality. It seems unreasonable that your dh dismisses the fact that you, your other children, and your dgd all seem to have a problem with her, but would want to invite her as though all is perfectly fine. I don't think it's fair that he is turning a blind eye to how you feel simply b/c he hasn't experienced it firsthand, how absurd! If he isn't willing to help here, wants to pretend this is the Brady Bunch, then you need to be the one to draw a line in the sand here. This can't be easy and I'm sorry!

 

[FINFAN]

invite DD to go to brunch earlier that day with you and your DH~to celebrate his day but not to the party

 

[Handbag Lady]

Have a Come to Jesus talk with your husband.

 

[cjbcam]

How can your DH not believe anything with your granddaughter living with you? I guess you could invite her and heck everyone she lies to about you and call her out in front of everyone. I mean your granddaughter would be able to confirm somethings. Like the lie of you keeping her and not letting her see her mom. I know it would be a mess but maybe an eye opener would be the best Birthday present your husband could get.

 

[Skywalker]

I'd be saying "Sorry honey your party just got cancelled." Seriously you are the one who suggested the party and now he is insisting on inviting someone that is going to cause you anxiety? Not fair, and not worth it. Take him out to Olive Garden instead lol.

 

[Luv2Run]

You say, "I just wish that my dh had my back sometimes but I know that it will never happen" - have you expressed this to him? That you feel like he never supports you when it comes to dealing with family matters? I know that complicated family situations have the potential for blowups, but you need to tell your dh the things you've told us here. Everything. Do not leave anything out. You want him to have a clear pictures as to why you feel the way you feel (worried, alone in all of this, etc). Men are not mind-readers, so you have to be very specific and very clear to them, otherwise they're just going to think you're upset and not know why, and possibly assume that you're making a bigger deal out of this than he thinks it is.

If it comes down to it, cancel the party and take him out for dinner. You're in this relationship, too.

 

[eliza61]

Have a Come to Jesus talk with your husband.

+1
Sounds like dh and you have been married for a while. time to sit homeboy down, get in his face and tell him, none so gently that he is to have your back.

Also ask him why he is having a problem believing you. All heck would break out with dh and I if he thought I was lying about some thing with the kids.

 

[antmaril]

Have a Come to Jesus talk with your husband.

+ 2. I really think the problem you have is with your husband. Why doesn't he believe you? Why doesn't he have your back? These are the questions you must ask yourself because he should believe you and he should have your back. Always.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

A little background. We have 3 children who are all in their mid to late 30's. We have 5 grandkids. 2 from 2nd dd (almost 21 and 16 yrs old) and 3 from 1st dd (2 dd's 9 and almost 5 and a ds 7), 3rd kid (ds) is not married or has kids and lives with us.

I have looked after all grandkids while their parents work. The older 2 until the youngest was 10. I still look after the other 3 when school is out.

My 2nd dd had her 1st dd when whe was only 17 and she lived at home for a couple of years until she met and married her now dh. She had no problems with me as long as I was looking after her kids. When the kids were old enough to stay by themselves that was the end of things. All of a sudden I was a horrible person who had done so many bad things to her. She started to tell my family (siblings) tall tales about things that never happened. And when she did something that would look bad on her she managed to turn it around as if it was my fault. She has always had her favourite child the 2nd dd and the 1st dd was treated horribly. When she turned 18 she threw her dd out of the house and she is now living with us.

My dd works for my db and my dsil and have told so many stories and they believe her. For instance when she threw her dd out she told my family that she really wanted her dd back but I was refusing to let her see her dd or speak to her. At the time I was suffering from 2nd and 3rd degree burns to the entire top of my leg. I wasn't in any shape to do anything like run to the door and refuse to let her in. It would have taken me at least 10 min. to get to the door.

This has been going on now for almost 6 yrs and is getting worse. I stay away from things, don't react to my db and dsil anymore as it really doesn't matter what I say. I haven't spoken to my dd for over a year as she made it quite clear she didn't want anything to do with me.

Now the problem. My dh doesn't see any of this and she never says anything in front of him. Even though my other dd and my dgrdd tell him he doesn't belive it. It is his 65th birthday in April and I thought it would be nice to have a little party with just a few friends. My oldest dd might be coming as well with her dh. My dh told me to invite my other dd. If she comes my ds will not come for sure as he was physically abused by her when he was younger. It will be very hard for my oldest dd, my dgrdd who lives here as well as me. I am all for trying to keep a family together but it is better if we are not in the same place at the same time as everything I do is information for her to turn around. I am so worried about opening my mouth at all, or doing something that she can make into something really horrible. I just wish that my dh had my back sometimes but I know that it will never happen. I am not sure what is going to happen or if she is invited if she would even come but the stress of it now is making my stomach hurt. I just wish this had never come up.
tigercat

Tell him no, I am not inviting the DD that is the abuser. She is not welcome here anymore.

 

[Mizzoufan]

What a tough situation. There are no easy answer.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Maybe it's best to forget about the party. Come up with something else for his birthday.

 

[tigercat]

Thank you for all the kind words. We have been married for 40 yrs. My dh hates conflict so it is easier for him to turn a blind ear/eye to things than to have to deal with it. I know this and have lived with it. He knows full well the things that are going on but deals with it by hiding his head in the sand. He just wants to get along with everyone. For some reason my dd hates just me and not him but I have learned to leave things and not say anything anymore to others as it really doesn't solve anything. I stay away from my db and sil now as he has lied right to my face about things. I don't have to deal with them much anymore thank goodness. That was hard though because he was my favourite brother and I loved my sil as a sister not an in law. But for my health I have let them go.

Now for the good news. I woke up late at night last night and remembered that my dd can't come to our house. When my dgrdd moved in she got a cat (that really is my cat now but that is another story LOL) and my dd is really allergic to cats. So problem solved. I told my dh he could invite her to the house but he needed to realize that she won't come and I am not doing anything with our cat. He lives here and has the right to be able to go where he wants.

As for taking her out for lunch if my dh wants to do that with her he can. I however, will not be going. I may eat something not right, move my chair the wrong way, talk to the wait staff the wrong way (and be aware that I am very nice and polite to the servers) or some thing that will be talked about later.
tigercat

 

[disneydee6]

Sounds like you are feeling a bit better.

"but for my health I have to let them go" honestly, that is the best thing you can do for all of this. Sometimes you need to be selfish. Many of us are guilty of trying so hard to appease everyone that we lose ourselves a little bit. No matter what you do, you can't please your dd. She's being selfish by blaming you for everything that goes wrong in her life, your DH (forgive me) is being selfish by pretending like everything is okay b/c his head is in the sand, and you are just trying to make everyone happy, by putting how you feel aside.

If he wants to see his dd, say okay, make plans to see her without the rest of your family b/c she will not be invited to the party. For your health, be a little selfish. Quit sacrificing your feelings to appease others. They can go to lunch, and you can stay at home and read a book/watch a movie/whatever you want.

 

[tigercat]

Thanks.
tigercat

 

[luvsJack]

There may be issues that I don't know about that stops you from doing these things, but I have 3 kids too and if this was one of mine here's what I would do:

1. Have a come to Jesus meeting with dd. I would sit her down and tell her that the drama stops NOW. And we would probably have it out but we would both know the issues each of us have with each other. And before I was through, she would know in no uncertain terms that she will stop bad mouthing you to your brother and that she is the reason your family cannot have a simple birthday party and the reason she is not welcome in your home until something changes.

You say she abused your son? How badly? It sounds like he doesn't want anything to do with her. Did she face consequences then? Does she have some emotional issues that have been or not been addressed? It sounds like she does have some serious problems and they do need to be addressed and I would strongly suggest that to her.

2. I would have a similar meeting with dh. Only it would include the rest of the siblings and your dgd. And let everyone tell their issue with their sister/mom/daughter. He just doesn't want to see it. It needs to be a family discussion and he needs to see the problems with your daughter.

3. After these two things are done, I would help dh come up with a way that he can spend some time on his birthday with your daughter without subjecting everyone else to her. And don't beat around the bush with her--let her know that you are making special plans for her and her father so that everyone else doesn't have to be subjected to her venom.

She needs to face up to the consequences of how she is treating others. If her own child and siblings don't want anything to do with her than there is a serious issue and she needs to see it herself. Your dh wanting to ignore it is not helping at all. And trying to be nice so that she doesn't tell more lies isn't helping her either. Don't worry about who believes her and who doesn't.

In the meantime, stop worrying. You cannot make anything happen by worrying. Take some action and then let it go. Put it all back on your dd to see what she has done/is doing. If she can't see, then its on her, you tried. If your dh can't see, then its on him, you tried. But you nor the rest of your family should have to put up with her BS.

 

[eliza61]

Thank you for all the kind words. We have been married for 40 yrs. My dh hates conflict so it is easier for him to turn a blind ear/eye to things than to have to deal with it. I know this and have lived with it. He knows full well the things that are going on but deals with it by hiding his head in the sand. He just wants to get along with everyone. For some reason my dd hates just me and not him but I have learned to leave things and not say anything anymore to others as it really doesn't solve anything. I stay away from my db and sil now as he has lied right to my face about things. I don't have to deal with them much anymore thank goodness. That was hard though because he was my favourite brother and I loved my sil as a sister not an in law. But for my health I have let them go.

I think a lot of folks are l like that. I live by the Jersey shore and there is a popular saying. "stick your head in the sand what are you going to do in the summer when the sand gets to hot".

Time to turn up t he heat in the sand to make him pop his head up.

40 years. you've earned the right to make him shoulder some uncomfortable times. why do we as wives always feel like everyone else doesn't get to go through hard times?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Others have given good suggestions. I just wanted to give you a and say I'm concerned about all the stress this must be causing you. Have you ever seen a counselor to help you deal with some of these burdens you have?

 

[tigercat]

I have gone to a counsellor and now that she retired we get together once a month at a coffee shop to talk. She has been great. I have let go of a lot of the anger but the hurt is still there. If it wasn't for her and my faith I am really not sure how I would be doing.

There seems to be a family trait that has the person thinking and saying things that never happened and making themselves a victim. My oldest brother and one of my younger sisters are like this. I have 7 siblings and those 2 have taken themselves out of the family with their stories. So far my dd has only convinced my brother and his wife of the stories. The rest of the family call me to confirm the story before just believing it. My dd doesn't tell them all the stories just my db and dsil and then they tell everyone else. It is faster than texting LOL. I have called my db to let him know that what was being said was not right but he just said that he never said it. I will never call again to tell them the truth as they won't believe anything I say anyway. It is a waste of my time and stressful. Let it go is my new motto LOL. I know this is confusing and I am sorry for that. I really am sad that I am missing the times I used to have with the 2 of them but life goes on.

Funny thing is though that the favourite grdd has now done a couple of things that her Mum didn't want her doing. Nothing bad but not what her Mum wanted. My dgrdd is finally talking to me again after several years of silence so that is nice. I never say anything bad about her Mum and I am glad I have done that. I really wanted to keep the line open just in case she did want to have a relationship with me again. We will see if she throws her out of the house on her 18th birthday like she did my oldest dgrdd. her sister. Probably not though. oh well. Let it go.
tigercat